AIBU to think MIL's grief is a step too far?

[PandaEyes25]

Bit of a long one but please bear with!
2.5 years ago my MIL left FIL for another man. It turns out she had been having an affair with him for about 6 months (that we know of, I suspect it was longer).
Other man was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years before she left FIL for him. Despite knowing that he had less that 18 months left, she moved out of the family home and set up on her own.
They split the week by living together partly at hers and partly at his home.
They were engaged less that a month after she left FIL.

I know I'm going to sound awful here but when he died she sort of went a bit OTT and grieved somewhat unaturally.
She postponed the funeral so that she could "spend more time with him" and visited the Chapel of Rest everyday for up to 6 hours at a time. This was at the height of summer and used to joke about when the staff told her they must "put him back in the freezer before he started to defrost".....
She moved all of his belongings from his house over to her small flat and hung up all his clothes in her wardrobe. She has refused to get rid of anything and now her flat is full of boxes( literally floor to ceiling). You can't sit on her sofa as it's got all of his books/ newspapers etc on it. She sits on a dining chair in the middle of the room infront of the TV as that's the only place that's free from the junk.
She has printed off photos of his body from after he died in hospital and has got them plastered all over the walls.
His son has asked for his ashes to be buried but she has denied him having any say in what happens to them. They are currently sitting on her bedside table as she "doesn't like to sleep alone".
She has now had part of his ashes made into earrings.
I know everyone grieves differently and that they should have the right to act/feel/do what they see fit but I feel like after 10 months it is not getting better and that she is wallowing in it.
She laughs about constantly turning up late for work and missing staff meetings because she struggles to leave the house in the mornings. I'm seriously concerned that she will start to jeopardise her job.
She also demands to meet us every weekend-sometimes twice. And then cries/strops if we say we are busy as she doesn't like to be alone.
DH agrees that her grief is unnatural but just thinks we should leave her to it. MIL and I have had a somewhat stressed relationship as of late but I am getting seriously concerned that she is on a downward spiral of self destruction.
Any advise would be highly appreciated!!

I agree with pps that there's no limit on grieving. But I'd suspect most people have to go back to work within a month unless they're retired/own income/inheritance/out of work, so not a high proportion.

I have never heard of such inconsolable grief and behaviour before - even with only loves of 10-50 years standing who grieved deeply, never remarried and always remembered the love of their life every day. I do think the OPs DC need to ask her what's going on and what they can do to help without letting DM/MIL's crisis take over their own lives.

And hording is not a way to live a life.

If I understand it correctly, your mum meets and has an affair with a man who has already been given a diagnosis of terminal cancer. If so, do,you think that their relationship gave her a new purpose in life. Ie. To care for him? Or did he have some control over her? Maybe now he has died, her purpose has gone.

Although if agree that 10 months isn't long, I do agree that her behaviour is bizarre, especially the part about the photographs. She needs some sort of help to come to terms with it all. It all,happened after she left her marriage. I presume mil and fil,were married for quite a while, so maybe theirs some gulit at what has happened tied up in it all.

How is th son? He must be devastated at the loss of his father, and at the turn of events. The son probably has more righhts to his dad's belongings than mil does.

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. I had so much sympathy for her until I read about her cutting her husbands son out of any decisions, I'm sorry but only a heartless cunt would deny the deceased's son any input into what happens with his fathers ashes. To keep everything of his including the ashes, that she was fine with turning into earrings but wouldn't bury them for the sake of his child is disgusting and has made me feel sick.
I'd stop going to see her and tell her what she is doing to his son is awful and I hope she does the right thing, she has her earrings now do the right thing!

I feel sorry for his son, How selfish of her to with hold his ashes!

Your poor FIL and MIL

Okay so the affair aside (which was completely wrong)

This woman is grieving and I don't mean to sound harsh but it's none of your business how she deals with it. I can understand in ways where you are coming from I.e the ashes, that mans poor son must be heartbroken. I would be so angry if someone refused me my dads ashes etc.

It sounds like she may need help tho? Maybe by seeing a councillor or extra family support? You and your DH will be mad at her for what she done to FIL but remember she is going through something terrible, try out your feelings to the side xx

She clearly doesn't like sleeping alone! 2 at the same time now she has no one! She's probably feeling the worst kind of guilt! I'd go off my head if I was the son of that man.

She was his wife though so it was up to her how the ashes are dealt with. If anything happened to dh, then it would be up to me to deal with his remains. Id listen to what dc thought, but ultimately, if I didnt agree with them, or didnt want to part with them, then I'd deal with them as I saw fit. Especially if dh and dc weren't on speaking terms.

"...it's none of your business how she deals with it. "

It is because she expects her and her immediate family to make every single weekend available to her grieving needs.

I can't believe people are seriously justifying her actions, and completely missing out where she has denied her husbands son any say it what happens to HIS fathers ashes.

What they said 👆🏽

She sounds awful. She had an affair, she was married to this man for 7 days, yet she has taken all of his possessions, she is holding his ashes to ransom and she willingly saw his son written out of his will. What a horrible person. I'd be leaving her to wallow, I don't think I could bring myself to support someone like that.

His poor son. I hope she does the decent thing and allows him closure over his father's death.

I'm sorry words she was his wife for 7 days while knowing he was dying, she could have been decent and let his son be apart of things seeing as she understands what grief is. Instead she is a selfish nasty cow.

The whole situation is made up of conflicting ideas and emotions.
I want to be there for mother in law but all my efforts so far have been thrown back in my face.
My DH doesn't want to keep dropping everything for her but then on the other hand is concerned what she'll do if he denies her as she's often saying he's all she wakes up for in the morning and all she has left.
Her landlord did a yearly inspection in February and told her that she has to sort the place out and gave her 3 months to do so. It's still a pig sty but she refuses to throw anything out that has a memory.
Her kitchen calendar is still on the month he died last year.
Trying to involve her in everyday outings for example has ended up in her becoming interfering and full of catty remarks.
As soon as we stick to our guns and say no, we'll meet next weekend.. she cries, says how low she's feeling, then hangs up and doesn't answer the phone when we call back to make sure she's okay. We're stuck between being genuinely concerned for her and (yes, I know, I'm a bitch) leaving her to deal with it in her own way.
I truly feel like we can't carry on anymore trying the help her but still trying for the sake of my DH as it must be awful to see your mum like that.
We can just see what a downward spiral she's on with her being completely oblivious.

I have also tried to reach out to his son to ask if there's anything we can do but we have no contact details for him- MIL has deleted and blocked his number. The only time we've seen him was at the funeral but that was not the time nor the place.

married 7 days, no one know how long she was partner for. Also I assume she was executor/beneficiary, as per her husband's dying wishes. So final say is up to her. If the husband wanted his ashes to go to his son, he should have specified in his Will.

You've got nothing to lose by sending her details of bereavement counsellors or links in her area. Or you could have a word with her GP but not sure what they might do. Failing that you can talk to adult social care about your concerns. But not sure if any thing could be done.

I don't think you or your DH are being unreasonable here.

As pp said, she is probably still dealing with the collapse of her marriage (presumably of several decades) which she put on the back burner while she threw herself into the new set up and caring for her ill partner.

But this was a relationship of at most, a few years. That doesn't trump the wishes of the bereaved son though, and it is desperately unfair on him for people to be pandering to her.

Compare this to the thread last week from someone who's brother had been killed in a car crash, and his girlfriend of 6 months was hounding the family for details. The near-unanimous advice on that thread was to block the GF and concentrate on the family and their grief
Grated this was a slightly longer relationship, but not by much

Why didn't you call him her husband in your op?
That would have avoided confusion about how she had his ashes and belongings etc
I do feel so sorry for her, I don't think anything will hasten her processing the grief but obviously counselling could be valuable.

Seven days does not a marriage make. Added to which, she destroyed her family for this man, has destroyed a son's right to grieve for his father, and has made this all about her with absolutely no consideration for the lives she has destroyed in going after what she wanted.

I wonder whether this is actually about grief or whether in fact it's more about a realisation that she has thrown everything which was actually worthwhile away for something which never had a chance, and now that she's on her own she has realised that.

She should be grateful that her son is still speaking to her anyway after the way in which she left his father.

Did this man have money per chance? Because I am wondering whether it really was about love or whether she saw an opportunity and marrying him and then cutting out his son and blocking him has left her in a position where she was entitled to everything he owned.

If this was truly about her having lived in an unhappy marriage for years and leaving because the marriage was no longer working for her, and her then losing the partner she had fallen in love with so soon afterwards I would feel sorry for her. But the fact that she has had no consideration for anyone else here apart from herself, and is continuing to manipulate people towards her way of thinking while cutting out the man's son who should have been a far more important part of his life I have very little sympathy for her.

TBH OP if I were your DH I would simply say that he is no longer prepared to tolerate her manipulation. That he realises that she's sad and grieving her loss, but that he cannot be held responsible for that. And then I would walk away from her if I had to.

She doesn't deserve your sympathy and understanding. I can't believe she has blocked her DH's son. What a fucking bitch. He must be distraught. Poor man.

My MILs DH left her a few years ago. I saw it as karma tbh. She was very upset. We were understanding, she visited (she hardly ever did before), wailed, we let her, she phoned us crying, a lot, I encouraged DH to visit her as she was struggling. She was texting all the time. If DH didn't reply she would phone or put guilt on him for not replying (he was usually in work fgs) But the more we did this, the worse she got. She was incredibly needy even though she wasn't really interested in us when she was with her H. In the end we both got fed up and backed off and left her to it more. If DH ever sent a short reply, she would text that he made her cry. She said she had started self harming (she wanted attention, whether she ever self harmed or not I don't know but if she did it was a very short term, attention seeking move). She eventually got on with it. But it was definitely a case of the more we fed it, the worse she was. So we stopped giving it so much time and she had no choice but to get on with it.

Your dh needs to have a serious word with her. Yes, she'll cry, manipulators do that, and so do the self indulgent, and he has to keep on anyway. Small pause while she sheds a few tears and then he needs to continue telling her that she needs bereavement counselling, her treatment of the son is disgraceful and unkind, that she has to stop indulging herself. He needs to bring home to her the damage she has done to people, and the damage she is in danger of doing to her job and her flat.

Hang on a minute - the son fell out with his dying father and the deceased chose to disinherit him. The wife in the case has a legal and moral right to determine what happens to the remains. If the deceased hadn't wanted that, he wouldn't have married her.

She sounds like she needs sectioning under the mental health act.

When my DF died I only took 3 days off work. Threw myself into sorting out all finances etc for DM. Everyone thought I was coping great.

Then after about 9 months I heard an item on the radio on the drive to work that reminded me of my Dad. I just burst into tears and couldn't stop. Took me an hour to compose myself enough to walk into the office but soon started again and I had to go home. This has happened every day since and has frequently made me late for work though I have managed to get through the day.

I think the numbness finally wore off and all the emotion I had been holding back suddenly hit me. It is very common according to the grief counsellor I am seeing.

I think you will need to involve social services, because she's in imminent danger of becoming homeless unless she sorts out all the stuff she's hoarding.