AIBU to think MIL's grief is a step too far?

[PandaEyes25]

Bit of a long one but please bear with!
2.5 years ago my MIL left FIL for another man. It turns out she had been having an affair with him for about 6 months (that we know of, I suspect it was longer).
Other man was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years before she left FIL for him. Despite knowing that he had less that 18 months left, she moved out of the family home and set up on her own.
They split the week by living together partly at hers and partly at his home.
They were engaged less that a month after she left FIL.

I know I'm going to sound awful here but when he died she sort of went a bit OTT and grieved somewhat unaturally.
She postponed the funeral so that she could "spend more time with him" and visited the Chapel of Rest everyday for up to 6 hours at a time. This was at the height of summer and used to joke about when the staff told her they must "put him back in the freezer before he started to defrost".....
She moved all of his belongings from his house over to her small flat and hung up all his clothes in her wardrobe. She has refused to get rid of anything and now her flat is full of boxes( literally floor to ceiling). You can't sit on her sofa as it's got all of his books/ newspapers etc on it. She sits on a dining chair in the middle of the room infront of the TV as that's the only place that's free from the junk.
She has printed off photos of his body from after he died in hospital and has got them plastered all over the walls.
His son has asked for his ashes to be buried but she has denied him having any say in what happens to them. They are currently sitting on her bedside table as she "doesn't like to sleep alone".
She has now had part of his ashes made into earrings.
I know everyone grieves differently and that they should have the right to act/feel/do what they see fit but I feel like after 10 months it is not getting better and that she is wallowing in it.
She laughs about constantly turning up late for work and missing staff meetings because she struggles to leave the house in the mornings. I'm seriously concerned that she will start to jeopardise her job.
She also demands to meet us every weekend-sometimes twice. And then cries/strops if we say we are busy as she doesn't like to be alone.
DH agrees that her grief is unnatural but just thinks we should leave her to it. MIL and I have had a somewhat stressed relationship as of late but I am getting seriously concerned that she is on a downward spiral of self destruction.
Any advise would be highly appreciated!!

[brasty]

Yes I know taking time off work after losing a partner is ideal. I have known people though having to return to work within a week of losing a partner,as that is all the paid time off they were entitled to.
In fact the only people I know who have not had to work for a year, are those who were close to retirement anyway. My FIL who ran a business with his DW, had only days off off, although everyone did extra work to help him.

I do think MIL's reaction as a whole, is more than normal. The extreme hoarding so the only place she can sit down is one chair, is not normal.

[Somerville]

There is some real bollocks being written on here about grief lasting a year... or specifically a year and a day - WTF?!

Echt and Squirrels and any other recently bereaved people on this thread - personally at your stage I would have needed to hide this thread, because it would have increased my worry about being weird for "still" feeling the agony of missing DH1 x months on. I think you're both amazing for taking the time to offer advice to OP.

Lots of people on here have some very out dated views and could do with a refresher. Here is what Cruse recommends:

Do:

Be there for the person who is grieving - pick up the phone, write a letter or an email, call by or arrange to visit.
Accept that everyone grieves in their own way, there is no 'normal' way.
Encourage the person to talk.
Listen to the person.
Create an environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front.
Be aware that grief can take a long time.
Contact the person at difficult times such as special anniversaries and birthdays.
Mention useful support agencies such as Cruse.
Offer useful practical help.

Don't:

Avoid someone who has been bereaved.
Use clichés such as 'I understand how you feel'; 'You'll get over it ; 'Time heals'.
Tell them it's time to move on, they should be over it - how long a person needs to grieve is entirely individual.
Be alarmed if the bereaved person doesn’t want to talk or demonstrates anger.
Underestimate how emotionally draining it can be when supporting a grieving person. Make sure you take care of yourself too.

[user1492528619]

I'm sorry both for you and your partner and for your FIL and MIL and his son. Everyone's lives have been turned on their heads.

I appreciate that your husband wants to be there for both of his parents and that he must feel very bitter towards the situation as it was the break down of his family unit. You are all grieving in very different ways.

Her grief sounds like she has gone into full mourning mode and reminded me of Miss Havisham out of Great Expectations and as cliched as it sounds you cannot rescue someone who does not want help. MIL must admit that she herself needs the help of the counsellor, GP, family etc.

Your own time with your husband is sacred and is being put into jeopardy by MIL's mental illness, she sounds as though she has had a break down. Unfortunately, aside from suggesting counselling there is not much else you can do aside from support her. Can you call social services and raise a vulnerable person report? Could she be suicidal?

All you can do is try to ride this out, time is the greatest healer, the pain will somewhat get easier, not as raw. However, she has to acknowledge this herself. Does she have any siblings/Relatives who she would listen to? Perhaps hearing this from her son/daughter in law is not what she wants to hear as acknowledging to her children that she has had a breakdown also forcing her to recognise she has lost her lover but also let her children down.

What has FIL said? As much as it hurts he has known and loved her the longest. How was she after the death of her parents etc? Has she suffered from mental health problems before?

and love to you all.

[Bluebell66]

There is a form of grief known as "complicated grief". I have been diagnosed with it. It's called "complicated" for a reason. I actually found the second and third years harder, so I too think your MIL is doing well to be working after 10 months. A lot of people on here clearly have absolutely no experience or concept of grief whatsoever - lucky them. It is a very, very long, lonely road and cannot be rushed just to suit other people as you seem to be wanting OP. This will only put more pressure on your MIL when she is clearly suffering enough. I would advise her to contact CRUSE with a view to some bereavement Counselling.

[B1rdonawire]

She's in pain, and your sense that she is "stuck" may be right. But you can't hurry through grief, and ten months really is nothing at all (although everyone grieves differently). You can gently keep suggesting that when she's ready, organisations like Cruse provide an excellent expert space for grieving people to talk about the person they miss. If she's a reader, you could try her on C S Lewis "A Grief Observed" or Virginia Ironside has written really well on this too.

[MrsWhiteWash]

Her demands of the OP are not reasonable, and as they are the only things the OP can control, they are a way forward. Try making proposal of coming round on X weekend and if she throws a tanty, stick to your guns.

^^ This.

You could suggest counselling, GP or find support groups local to her but she would need to agree to go.

I suspect because it stared as an affair she doesn't have a lot of support or people to perhaps talk about whole situation to.

[brasty]

I have experienced grief, including grief from family members being murdered and a suicide of a close friend. Many people have no choice but to work after a bereavement. Homelessness does not help grief.

[echt]

Echt and Squirrels and any other recently bereaved people on this thread - personally at your stage I would have needed to hide this thread, because it would have increased my worry about being weird for "still" feeling the agony of missing DH1 x months on. I think you're both amazing for taking the time to offer advice to OP.

Somerville, lovely thoughts about potential hurt for the recently bereaved.

I posted too soon in my earlier responses, to include the :o and
It made me laugh, not feel odd, though I can see how some might feel so.

[PandaEyes25]

Thanks everyone you're all being really helpful.

They did marry while he was ill in hospital as they were told if they wanted to get married they'd have to do it asap. They were married for about a week when he died.
I just feel like I've done everything I can to help her and that pandering to her needs (for example dropping our plans to meet her etc) is actually making her worse. It's like she is transferring her grief onto being clingy with us. As I say, I've tried providing her with hot meals, taking her out for meals/coffees, days out to the sea side and the like to try to take her mind off it but it's just becoming such a drain and is actually putting our relationship under pressure.
She thinks she is more entitled to the ashes than his son due to them having a slight fall out before he died. The husband ended up writing the son out of his will and putting MIL in as the sole beneficiary. I don't blame the son, I'd be raging too! Especially as she's now basically keeping his fathers ashes hostage. He won't be able to have closure as he hasn't put his father to rest. We've tried explaining this to her but she's basically told us to mind our own business.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Oh my god she sounds dreadful! What an awful woman, who does that to a grieving child ! I would have words with her about how she's treating his son, I couldn't stand by and watch that. She is just in the wrong, grief or no grief.

[GabsAlot]

she dos need help but shes wrong to cut the son out

i personally dont think10 months is a long time the first year esp is the hardest-losing my mum was the mot gut wrenching pain ive ever felt

u never get overe it i dont even remember the first year as i was in a dazee most of the time

[llangennith]

Sympathy with you OP and your MIL. Nothing else to add other than MIL has no right to the ashes as she was not legally next of kin.

[BodyformForYou]

OP you are unbelievably negative towards another human who is going through the worst thing that could ever happen

Some of the words and phrases you use '' Pandering / Clingy / Drain / Entitled / Raging / Unnatural Greif / ''She thinks she is'' / Stressed / my relationship is under pressure ''

You seem surprised that she is still grieving after ten months.

Just stop and imagine how her life is. Put yourself in her shoes. and then imagine someone slagging off your reaction to it

[Somerville]

It's absolutely okay for you to only offer as much support as you can manage without putting your own lives/jobs/relationship under pressure.
I'd put the focus on helping her to understand that an outlet to talk about her late DH would be good for her. Because counselling might also help her come to her senses over how she is treating her step son. (Something I thought about A LOT due to grief therapy was what my late DH would want for me - and for other people who he loved.)
If I was your DH I would assure the step-son that anything that can be done to make the situation fair after MIL passes, will be done. Passing over the ashes and the estate from the late father, for E.G. And that you're encouraging her to get help and will keep raising it with her.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

Sorry just jumped to the end because I wanted to ask a question.
Do counsellors really still use the term 'unnatural grief?'
I have never heard it and would certainly challenge it if I did.
Complicated grief, yes. Unnatural grief, no, no,no.

[user1492528619]

I can appreciate MIL's pain and the OP's frustration.

But the ashes is too far. and injustice and shame on her (and her late husband) for treating the son this way. He is grieving too and her grief does not make her more important. If she isn't careful she will push everyone away. This sounds as though it's beyond grief and has escalated to clinical depression, which many sufferers are notably selfish and lacking in empathy for others (understandably but not excusably).

I have both suffered from and had close family who have had depression and I reiterate OP, despite others' suggestions, you can't save her. You can't be there for her 24 hours a day. It will never be enough. If it has reached a point where you truly feel you have done all you can you must protect yourself and your husband.

MIL knows where you are and keep extending the arm of support and friendship, but if she wants you to mind your own business suggest you do just that. You can't save her. What does your DH say?

[Scaredycat3000]

TheFirstMrsDV You will get your answer if you RTFT.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I just did and I appear to have missed the answer.
A poster said it was a counselling term.
One person said they had not heard of it (nor have I).

[Ceto]

Was the new will signed after the wedding, or before? The marriage would have nullified any previous will.

[MrsLupo]

What an indescribably sad story. I have very little experience or understanding of grief, so I'll keep my opinions to myself. Just to say that whatever support you and DH (for whom it is obviously more complicated) can offer MIL is a wonderful thing, and I think something you will look back on with satisfaction.

[brasty]

You will find the term "unnatural grief" or "pathological grief" in some text books. I don't know anyone who actually uses the term with people they counsel though. It simply means complex grief, usually because there are complicating factors.

[ilovegin112]

10 months as said before is not long, it took me a couple of years to take go through the wardrobe with my Dh clothes in, grief can make you do strange things

[Devilishpyjamas]

I don't think 10 months is very long either - and she may never 'get over it' (do people ever get over someone dying?) but she does sound unwell and as if she needs additional support. And you are not the people to provide it. Her actions will also be impacting on her late husband's son as well (another reason for the counselling). You cannot force counselling on her though. What a sad situation.