AIBU to think MIL's grief is a step too far?

[PandaEyes25]

Bit of a long one but please bear with!
2.5 years ago my MIL left FIL for another man. It turns out she had been having an affair with him for about 6 months (that we know of, I suspect it was longer).
Other man was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few years before she left FIL for him. Despite knowing that he had less that 18 months left, she moved out of the family home and set up on her own.
They split the week by living together partly at hers and partly at his home.
They were engaged less that a month after she left FIL.

I know I'm going to sound awful here but when he died she sort of went a bit OTT and grieved somewhat unaturally.
She postponed the funeral so that she could "spend more time with him" and visited the Chapel of Rest everyday for up to 6 hours at a time. This was at the height of summer and used to joke about when the staff told her they must "put him back in the freezer before he started to defrost".....
She moved all of his belongings from his house over to her small flat and hung up all his clothes in her wardrobe. She has refused to get rid of anything and now her flat is full of boxes( literally floor to ceiling). You can't sit on her sofa as it's got all of his books/ newspapers etc on it. She sits on a dining chair in the middle of the room infront of the TV as that's the only place that's free from the junk.
She has printed off photos of his body from after he died in hospital and has got them plastered all over the walls.
His son has asked for his ashes to be buried but she has denied him having any say in what happens to them. They are currently sitting on her bedside table as she "doesn't like to sleep alone".
She has now had part of his ashes made into earrings.
I know everyone grieves differently and that they should have the right to act/feel/do what they see fit but I feel like after 10 months it is not getting better and that she is wallowing in it.
She laughs about constantly turning up late for work and missing staff meetings because she struggles to leave the house in the mornings. I'm seriously concerned that she will start to jeopardise her job.
She also demands to meet us every weekend-sometimes twice. And then cries/strops if we say we are busy as she doesn't like to be alone.
DH agrees that her grief is unnatural but just thinks we should leave her to it. MIL and I have had a somewhat stressed relationship as of late but I am getting seriously concerned that she is on a downward spiral of self destruction.
Any advise would be highly appreciated!!

[PandaEyes25]

We have tried being sympathetic as naturally we were very sorry for her. I have cooked for her for months, taken her round food, invited her round for dinner as she doesn't eat if not with company. It's just very difficult to continue being sympathetic and caring when someone throws every effort back in your face (something which I know is down to her grief).
We were expecting her grief to slightly fade over time- it's been nearly 11 months since he died. But it seems to be getting worse as she's just clinging on to everything they shared together.
We are stuck between wanting to help but also from living our own lives. My DH and I both work 60 hour weeks so the weekend is the only time we get to spend together. I know this is incredibly selfish but I don't want her to become dependent on us and I want time to ourselves.
My DH struggles sympathising with her loneliness as in his view, she wouldn't be living alone if she hadn't have left his dad.
She also has her sympathy cards still on display and has only just thrown out the flowers people sent her after his death. So after 10 months they were pretty much just mulch.
I think seeing a councellor/GP is the best option but we have no idea how to suggest it as she just shuts herself off when anything like that is mentioned.

[FairytalesAreBullshit]

I think it's a hard difficult time for MIL and she truly loved the guy. Not ideal for FIL, but these things happen. I'm wondering whether you're judging her on the affair, getting with a guy she knew was terminally ill. I think it's one of them things, you can't help who you fall in love with. She's grieving very badly, she needs some form of support, perhaps reduced hours at work, to help her whilst she goes through this.

There are organisations that help, maybe DH could look into some and suggest that MIL look into them too.

I understand it's conflicting for DH since the circumstances affected his DF, so he may not feel as empathetic. But at the same time she's his Mum and support needs putting in place, so hopefully she can have the support to help her move through the stages of loss.

I don't know if you would say she's still in denial. I don't know if DH & yourself believe it's self inflicted.

Either way she needs help.

[squoosh]

Shes actually doing well to be working at this stage at all

After ten months?

[brasty]

What about suggesting she goes to a group for widows/widowers? Cruse run many such groups. That might be a way in to her getting better support.

[halcyondays]

10 or 11 months after a bereavement isn't very long, in fact it can hit people harder months down the line. It's difficult for your dh given the circumstances and perfectly reasonable to want some time for yourselves. Has she any friends, hobbies or anything else that could distract her a bit?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If you address the subject of counselling I wonder if you could phrase it less about her getting help than perhaps, "talk to someone about {her DP}" ie acknowledging loss. She is so preoccupied I am surprised she has so far kept up her job. She can't turn back time but she is doing her utmost to stay at a fixed point.
People used to use the phrase 'mad with grief' and this is impacting on her day to day life.

[CardinalCat]

The OP does not sound horrible! Bloody hell, how on earth did you get that impression?

It all sounds very difficult. On the one hand you need to be delicate and give her space to grieve this out her own way. But on the other hand, there has to come a point where the bereaved tries to at least open the curtains and think, 'what now'.

I would really recommend that she gets counselling, How on earth you get her to do this, I do not know. Is there a bereavement group you or your DH could offer to take her along to? She clearly does not want to relinquish any of her memories of him, but some of the hoarding behaviour sounds like there may be a mental health problem.

[echt]

I've not heard of unnatural grief as a counselling term. Complicated grief, yes. In fact I've just googled it and it does not appear to be a thing, unsurprising as it's a tremendously judgmental term.

Not sure why putting pictures of her husband's dead body on the wall is counselling-worthy. I've got a shitload of my late DH full of tubes, very dead, in his coffin, on my phone. I look at them a lot and think I'm pretty normal. And I've still got dried flowers from his funeral wreath in a vase in the front room.

Back to the MIL. 10 months is nothing in terms of grief, exactly where I am now as it happens, however it does look like she needs so

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I have no sympathy for her. If a man had cheated on his wife and left her and ended up in this situation, people wouldn't be saying poor him. She is disgraceful for denying his own son the ashes. What a cow. It's all about her isn't it. It doesn't sound like they were even married? So her son should not let her get away with it.

My MIL was having an affair when her H died. This was before I met DH but she once made a comment about losing her husband. I had no sympathy for her as she had been bloody cheating on him then set up home and made DH homeless.

[brasty]

No 10 months is nothing in terms of grief. But the MIL seems to have very little support outside of the OP and her son. I doubt she has the level of support she needs. So bringing in help through Cruse would benefit her.

[Somerville]

*We were expecting her grief to slightly fade over time- it's been nearly 11 months since he died. But it seems to be getting worse..."

In the run up to the first year anniversary of the death the grief often gets worse. Given what you have expressed about her current reactions, I would anticipate her increasingly being unable to cope as that gets closer, unfortunately.

There are ways to talk about grief counselling that might help her consider it. So introducing it as an essential for people who utterly loved their partner. And never ever mentioning it as a way to learn to 'move on' (which is upsetting and unrealistic and not a phrase that should be used.)

I can't offer any advice on how to spend less time with her, because unfortunately the main thing that will help her to learn to keep on going without him is loads of loving support and distractions, as I said before. So spending less time with her is probabaly going to increase her inability to cope (sunless she has loads of support from elsewhere).

[echt]

Pressed too soon.

The MIL looks like a candidate for counselling in one way, but the very demonstration of her grief makes it look like she might not accept it. Her demands of the OP are not reasonable, and as they are the only things the OP can control, they are a way forward. Try making proposal of coming round on X weekend and if she throws a tanty, stick to your guns.

[Beeziekn33ze]

A year and a day is considered a significant mourning period by some professionals. Then all the first anniversaries, birthdays, religious festivals, have passed and the bereaved move into a slightly less intense grief. Or so I was told by a psychiatrist.
Hoarding can be considered a fire hazard. Some fire stations provide counselling groups.

[stumblymonkeyreturns]

It's considered to be more than the natural grieving if grief is really interfering with living your own life after more than 12 months after the bereavement.

I'd expect this isn't suddenly going to change in the next two months so it would really be best for her to consider some counselling, ideally someone who specialises in complex bereavement.

She's probably in a great deal of pain and I suspect there's much more to this than bereavement alone.

[ArtemisiaGentilleschi]

Just a point about the photos.. Would people think it was odd/abnormal etc if it was a baby? Stillborn?
They might, but they wouldn't automatically assume the grieving person was mentally ill and in need of intervention.
Wrt the ashes, his son needs to make his wishes known. A compromise needs to be found, maybe asking each other what the deceased man would have wanted.

[stumblymonkeyreturns]

I think Somerville's ideas of how to introduce the concept sound good. Definitely avoid using 'moving on' as she won't want to move on.

[OkPedro]

beezie I wonder if that psychiatrist had been through grief themselves.. A year and a day? My parents died four years ago within four months of each other. I'm still grieving, not the same gut wrenching grief but I still miss them and get upset often that they aren't here anymore

[Somerville]

After ten months?

I didn't get the impression she's just returned to work.
But yes, she's doing well to be working after 10 months.

Brasty I know many people have to return to work soon after losing a spouse. I did myself. It can make it much harder to cope. Lots of grief counsellors say it is ideal, if finances allow, not to even thinking about working again until after getting through the first year anniversary.

And I've never heard the term unnatural grief, and have had a fuck tonne of grief therapy.

[Seeingadistance]

I'm a church minister, and so am regularly in contact with the bereaved and grieving - both at the time of the death and in the months and years afterwards. I have not come across anything as extreme as this, and agree with others that counselling and support are required. I also suspect given the other circumstances - the affair, leaving her husband for the other man etc, that there is much more going on here than grieving for the death of a partner.

OP - please don't listen to those who are dismissing or being disparaging of your concerns. You are right to be worried about your MIL. She needs help.

[gillybeanz]

There is no natural behaviour when grieving, so certainly nothing unnatural.
If she isn't hurting anyone then let her be and in her own time she will improve.
It sounds like she loved him very much to have left her husband for such a short time to be with him.
If it gets worse or continues for much longer she may need help, however I'd try to get her out of the house as often as you can so she can see everyday things happening and that give her a sense of reality in the here and now.

[ChasedByBees]

Did they marry OP? It's sad that's she's not allowing the son a say in his father's affairs.

[C0RA]

I agree with all the good advice about tactful ways to raise couselling with her.

I agree that she does sounds troubled and needs help.

I also think that you and your DH have been very good to her, please don't be upset by some of the comments here.

Also if she has control of the ashes then she must be executor, her partner must have put this in his will. So she is entitled to follow his wishes ( for her to make decisions about this ) and not those of his son.

I'm sorry if that upsets people, but that's how the law works. Some things are done by next of kin and others by the executor. That's why it's best if these two people agree on what's to happen, so think carefully what you put in your will.

[Somerville]

Somerville not printing out photos of the dead body to put on the wall? That's unusual to say the least.

How many widows and widowers do you know? I've discussed thing like this with more than 50 in the last 3 years, at support groups. Most of them have photos of the body of their deceased spouse - taking hpotos is actively encouraged these days. And many of those have had them in places they can easily see them (included potentially on display) at some point or another.

That is a person who needs counselling.

I don't disagree with you there - but I think that almost everyone who loses a spouse needs grief therapy to help them afterwards.