To think SIL was out of order

[Raggydolly3]

Had issues with SIL ever since I met my DH, she ran out sobbing when we got engaged, plus loads and loads of other stuff. She is a single mum and her son is 8 and she can't be left out of anything,

MIL and FIL won't do anything with DH, DS and I without asking them and it has even got to the stage where we have to not tell SIL and nephew if we do anything with inlaws when nephew is a school or she will kick off and say it's not fair on nephew as he is at school!!!! (Inlaws asked us to not tell her)
DS had been invited to a party from his pre school, the pre school is attached to the school he will go to so trying to get to know mums and dads and make a good impression.
The party was today but DH and I where at a party tonight and we have to travel to get there so MIL very kindly offered to take over from me and DH half way through the party so we could get going, they are then having DS over night. I ring party mum beforehand to and if that is ok and yes no problem at all.
So literary 15 minutes into the party who comes throught the door but MIL, SIL and Nephew.

Party mum looks bemused at all these people turning up so I go and tell her through gritted teeth who they all are, she pats me on the shoulder and says "familys eh can't live with em can't kill em". She was really lovely and goes straight up to nephew and asked him to join in. Nephew says "no it is a baby party"
I know SIL will cause a scene if we say anything to her so I say to DH (who is also mad but like me knows she will make a scene if challenged) lets go as it is ridiculous having 4 adults and and older child to look after DS and it just looks like we are treating it as a family outing.

The looks we got from other parents as well- Not good
So I guess AIBU to think that SIL turning up with nephew was really bad manners and something you just don't do.

DH wants to have it out with her but that will just cause so much crap and FIL is not well at the moment but that won't stop her.
I have just said for the sake of peace we will just never ask MIL to take over at a party again (hopefully will never have to) and we need to be very careful when DS starts school to make it clear that if MIL and FIL are invited to thinks it does not mean that SIL and nephew can come as well.

She said she could only do second half of the party.
Which made them turning up 15 minutes in even more annoying.

She needs to be pulled up on it - she's just getting away with crap behaviour

What's the worst that can happen?

I think that you are overreacting slightly to this incident. If I was at a party and another family did this, it wouldn't bother me at all. If I bothered to think about it, I would have assumed it was a babysitting situation regarding your nephew.

Maybe your wanting to make a good impression with the other parents is making you more sensitive. Also it sounds as if she gets on your nerves, which is going to make it easier to trigger your annoyance. Actually, if your nephew is a handful, she is finding it hard to cope with him and is a single parent, I can understand why she wants to constantly have family company. I don't think people set out to have badly behaved children. It happens because they we can't cope or have inadvertently made mistakes. Also she got him at 18 months old, even if there were no obvious problems, it still may have had an effect on his development.

Please don't stress about the party, and the hostess clearly had the measure of the situation, and others would have done as well.

I think it is embarrassing for an entire gang to show up at a kids party - it also looks as if DN wanted to gatecrash the party.

If SIL can't parent her own child then she needs parents classes - it doesn't sound as if she takes advice from anyone anyway - what child expresses themselves kicking holes in gates?

"She said she could only do second half of the party.
Which made them turning up 15 minutes in even more annoying."

Oh

Not that it had anything much to do with anything, just it seemed an odd arrangement seeing as she was there anyway.

But if she was early after saying she couldn't go then, that's even odder tbh

Yep I would have preferred for her to do the whole party then there would have been no need for swopping about.

I think you were lucky to have a hostess who understands "family" so I wouldn't stress too much about your reputation as "that mum". I don't think you're overreacting about this incident though simply because of the drip drip cumulative effect of previous history with your SIL has given you a good reason to dread her inappropriate behaviour in any given circumstance.
We have friends (not family thank goodness) with an adult daughter like this. Her only saving grace is she as yet has no dc but she said insisted on coming along (even twice to ticketed events one of which was sold out so ended up with her parents leaving with her) to most outings we planned with her parents as a foursome and it threw a damper on us every single time. She didn't like the restaurants we chose or the attractions we were visiting or the scenic drive we took so we'd either change plans to suit her or put up with her sulks the whole time. We've just stopped going out with them unless it's as part of a larger group which is a shame since we like the same music, movies etc have many interests in common and they - without dd - are great company.

Don't beat yourself up too much about the party, the other parents would have been able to work out that due to you and DP leaving half way through they were only there to take over DS duties, who cares if they showed up a bit too early. Seriously it's only on MN I've encountered judgey party people.

You do have much bigger issues with SIL though that seriously have to be addressed.

Your situation sounds very hard. In your shoes I would rely on the aunt and uncle more and let your MIL and FIL know you will be doing this and why.

Please do not worry about the other parents at the party judging you, it's really unlikely to be an issue.

I hope you find some way to work things well with your inlaws. I do not think you are unreasonable to want to do things with just inlaws, and I think you do need to make it clear they are making this impossible. Yes, SIL is a problem and I would want to say the same to her, in a nice way, but your inlaws are allowing it, as you rightly say they are enablers.

Your SILs comments to you are awful and you have my full sympathy because she has said and done some very hurtful things.

Raggydolly although I do feel a lot of sympathy for your situation I find your postings about your SIL's adopted son really odd.

"He was a lovely little boy when SIL first got him"

Adopters do not usually say they 'got' a child (I'm an adopter), we usually say, when ds came to live with us.

"we could not believe she was approved" you sound like you really dislike her, I can understand why but surely that was over 6 years ago; I wonder if she can feel this dislike.

"She hit the jackpot, he was fostered from birth, no abuse or involved at all, he came to her at 18 months and settled straight in."

Again your way of talking about an adopted child joining the family is very odd. My son is brilliant but I've never said I 'hit the jackpot'; because his joining us involved him loosing birth family and a foster family. I am not saying you say this to your SIL but it just sounds quite odd to me. Like you think she got this perfect little toddler and somehow ruined him. Despite what he says, which may be his true feelings or not, adopted parents are not necessarily responsible for how their adopted children 'turn out.'

"Now he is just out of control, he spends most of his time with the inlaws."

Adopted children do sometimes go a bit 'off the rails'. This is not always because they are being parented badly, but sometimes because the damage done to them in the womb, in the first days/weeks/months of life are really very hard to combat with even very good parenting.

I hope you do not mind me mentioning this, it just stood out for me.

Hope things work out better.

Ok maybe my way speaking about nephew was a bit wrong.

He has always spent most of his time with the inlaws and not sister in law since she first adopted him.

It's hard to discribe when you don't see it but the way she is with him it's as if she wanted a child but didn't want to look after a child. He is a lot closer to MIL and FIL then her. I am not saying for one minute he would be better off in care then he is now.

It just makes me sad the way she is with him and that would be the same if he was adopted or not. She seems to be getting worse as he is getting older.

As I say when he is with us he is a different child and not only behaves but seems a lot happier. He always seems tense when around SIL

Sorry posted to soon
I think the behaviour is a way to get her attention as she is always on her phone or fading a magazine or asleep on the sofa. That's when are with her and inlaws. He always runs to FIL if he is hurt.

That's one of the reasons we have nephew round with us such as lot as he can play. SIL admits when it is just her and him she plonks him in front of the telly.

I'm new to mumsnet and get really confused when threads include DM or DS or SIL I don't know what they mean. Can anybody fill me in please

Raggydolly I am not disputing your side of things, of course, you know what you see. I guess I feel your 'issues' together as a family are quite deep. Is it possible your SIL has some mental health issues, problems etc?

I think you are totally within your rights to feel very pissed off with your SIL and her way of behaving, but I also think your MIL and FIL are really making this situation worse.

What does your dh suggest you do?

I am glad this little boy (your nephew) has people to care for him. In your shoes I would probably want to find a way to make things work for his sake.

I hate to keep harping on but I do feel your FIL and MIL hold the key, they need to back you both up but they may need to feel (and it may be the case) that it is really in SIL's best interests for MIL and FIL to restore some degree of 'discipline' and 'harmony' in the family. This could happen if they:
Set proper boundaries about what they will do - e.g. they will not tell SIL about a party or event not for her/her child
They will spend time with you and your dh and child and not see this as competition with their daughter and they will help her to see this too.

As far as the mean and nasty comments/actions of the past, I would try and forget these, forgive if you can, but decide that future comments/actions will be challenged and you will not 'play ball' with her crazy scenarios!

user1492722847 the use of 'D' denotes dear (or possibly darling).

So
dm - dear mum
df - dear father
dd-dear daughter
ds - dear son
dh - dear husband
dw - dear wife
dp - dear partner
dbf - dear boy friend or dear best friend
dgf - dear girlfriend

She sounds aweful op. I hope you can sort some boundaries with her. It seems very odd that she can't be on her own at all.

Your SIL clearly has issues and sounds like a nightmare. I would leave your DH to deal with it - it sounds as though he has the measure of her and at least you don't have to worry about him being an enabler too.

I wouldn't worry about how any of the parents at the party have perceived things. Apart from the host mum, I doubt whether the others would even have noticed. They'll be too busy worrying about their own social faux pas!

I do agree with Italian about feeling slightly uncomfortable reading the way you write about your nephew especially this: I wish we could take him. Obviously you don't like your SIL and you don't like her parenting style. But he is her son. The fact that he's adopted doesn't make him up for grabs.

Youre husbands family let him deal with it.

*your

I would get in touch with party mum, if you can, and apologise about the situation. Partly because I think it's something that should be apologised for (she doesn't know you weren't expecting it) and it will also clear things up and leave the party mum happier about the situation, and if nothing else it should stop you worrying about the impression you have left (which it sounds like you are at the moment)

It was right to tell DH not to say anything at the party, but I agree with PP that I would let him bring it up now.

It's not your fault, try not to beat yourself up about it, you just need to do damage limitation now then move on from it.

For those who posted and gave advice DH challenged SIL and MIL today. He tried to be gentle and explain our point of view.'
SIL shouted at him that as a single parent wherever MiL and FIL go nephew and her go too. She then stormed out shouting we had it easy as we are a couple and have my mum and dad as well and we also have friends who would help us out.

She also called me a bitch on the way out.
MIL then had a go at DH and me saying we have upset SIL and we know she is delicate.

DH has told MIL we won't be seeing SIL again until she apologised to me for calling me a bitch and if that means we don't see MIL and FIL then so be it.
It frustrates me as the Inlaws are getting older and SIL has no friends and has annoyed and insulted most of the wider family, so what do they think she will do when they are gone
Oh well that's that I suppose.
I have also had a chat with party host mum and the school gates and all was well. She said nephew just sat there sulking the whole time despite SIL trying to drag him up to join in the games. I bet poor nephew was board out of his skull.
Party mum has also had a word with some of the others mums and dads that were there and said it was obvious that DH and I had no idea that SIL and nephew would turn up. Apparently they all feel sorry for us

Plus it is great to know DH has my back.

^SIL shouted at him that as a single parent wherever MiL and FIL go nephew and her go too. She then stormed out shouting we had it easy as we are a couple and have my mum and dad as well and we also have friends who would help us out.
She also called me a bitch on the way out^

Wonder why she has no friends then ?

Although I think your dh was a bit overdramatic building it into some ultimatum. I'd have just left it that sadly you wouldn't be able to ask you MiL (+ FiL?) to anything that SiL wasn't invited to in future then, which seems a shame, but it is her choice. SiL has to grow up and understand you can't just gatecrash places you aren't invited to. MiL has to understand she's not doing SiL any favours by pretending it's OK.

Non contact with her/them then. Shame but you need to follow it through. She's "delicate" eyeroll
They have given in to her too much but you know that already.
As for playing the Lone Parent card, there are many on MN, some of whom have no support whatsoever...she is lucky that your in-laws are so supportive but they appear to be enabling shitty behaviour from someone who adopted/became a single mum by choice at the time in her life she did (if I have understood correctly and she did not have a dp leave during the adoption process).