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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL was out of order

82 replies

Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 22:32

Had issues with SIL ever since I met my DH, she ran out sobbing when we got engaged, plus loads and loads of other stuff. She is a single mum and her son is 8 and she can't be left out of anything,

MIL and FIL won't do anything with DH, DS and I without asking them and it has even got to the stage where we have to not tell SIL and nephew if we do anything with inlaws when nephew is a school or she will kick off and say it's not fair on nephew as he is at school!!!! (Inlaws asked us to not tell her)
DS had been invited to a party from his pre school, the pre school is attached to the school he will go to so trying to get to know mums and dads and make a good impression.
The party was today but DH and I where at a party tonight and we have to travel to get there so MIL very kindly offered to take over from me and DH half way through the party so we could get going, they are then having DS over night. I ring party mum beforehand to and if that is ok and yes no problem at all.
So literary 15 minutes into the party who comes throught the door but MIL, SIL and Nephew.

Party mum looks bemused at all these people turning up so I go and tell her through gritted teeth who they all are, she pats me on the shoulder and says "familys eh can't live with em can't kill em". She was really lovely and goes straight up to nephew and asked him to join in. Nephew says "no it is a baby party"
I know SIL will cause a scene if we say anything to her so I say to DH (who is also mad but like me knows she will make a scene if challenged) lets go as it is ridiculous having 4 adults and and older child to look after DS and it just looks like we are treating it as a family outing.

The looks we got from other parents as well- Not good
So I guess AIBU to think that SIL turning up with nephew was really bad manners and something you just don't do.

DH wants to have it out with her but that will just cause so much crap and FIL is not well at the moment but that won't stop her.
I have just said for the sake of peace we will just never ask MIL to take over at a party again (hopefully will never have to) and we need to be very careful when DS starts school to make it clear that if MIL and FIL are invited to thinks it does not mean that SIL and nephew can come as well.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 23/04/2017 23:01

Somebody let this lunatic adopt an innocent child? Shock

KC225 · 23/04/2017 23:01

I think your MIL is also at fault here. It was arranged by you and DH she should have said 'no' to SIL. It's just odd behaviour to turn up at a party. Have you asked your MIL about it?

Don't be too sure your name will be mud. At three you spend most time at parties trying to keep your child alive or stop it throttling or being throttled by another child.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 23/04/2017 23:01

Also to clarify I am not implying you DN is going to be an entitled brat because he is adopted, more that her behaviour and manner of bringing him up will cause this.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 23/04/2017 23:01

*your

EweAreHere · 23/04/2017 23:02

She sounds unhinged and immature.

Your DH and his parents need to be the ones to put a stop to her insistence on being at everything, regardless of appropriateness. Good luck!

Original poster
Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 23:03

DH has had it out with her many a time only for inlaws to crash down on her side every time. My MIL and FIL are definite enablers.

DH and I are always the bad guy, I am pleased to say that DH does always stand up for me.
It's got to the point were we hardly see SIL or the inlaws as they are always with her. DH was so happy when MIL offered to take over at the party and then have DS over night. We both should have known better.

DH will end up having it out with her again as he wont be able to keep it in. We actually have a really close relationship with DHs aunt and uncle who are currently not talking to inlaws after they asking nephew to stop kicking a hole in their gate.
SIL kicked off saying he was just expressing himself

OP posts:
Original poster
Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 23:05

He was a lovely little boy when SIL first got him (we could not believe she was approved). She hit the jackpot, he was fostered from birth, no abuse or involved at all, he came to her at 18 months and settled straight in. Now he is just out of control, he spends most of his time with the inlaws.

OP posts:
DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 23/04/2017 23:06

Leave your PILs and SIL to it and enjoy your relationship with the wider family.They have an unhealthy dynamic going on there that they will probably never see what else they have missed out on because of it. Do let your DH have it out with them. They do need reminding each and every time that this is not normal behaviour. Continue low contact and when asked why they don't see you much tell them it is because of bonkers SIL, bratty DN and their enabling behaviour.

ijustwannadance · 23/04/2017 23:07

She is a spoilt, jealous, attention seeking gobshite.

She will continue if everyone carries on indulging her behaviour.

GoodDayToYou · 23/04/2017 23:07

YANBU. Your sil sounds very needy and, frankly, weird. Kid gloves will need to be used with her I think. (Maybe get your dh to speak to her gently but clearly.)

I would definitely contact the party host to apologise and explain discretely. Lots of people have in-law problems so with any luck, you might find you fit right in. Try to treat it lightly, maybe have a little laugh about it to the host. (If you make it a heavy, troubling thing so early on, it could single you out as 'one to avoid'.)

Good luck with it!

ShoesHaveSouls · 23/04/2017 23:09

Yeah, that's embarrassing, but don't worry about it. Don't apologise again to the party mum, she was very gracious and understanding at the party - just draw a line under it now. Make sure just one of you goes to the next party!

As for what you do about your SIL in the future - god knows. You have my sympathies. Confused

Original poster
Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 23:10

Thanks
Yes I have posted about her before. Poss a few under a different name
The thing is MiL and FIL are not doing her any favours, they are getting old and one day she will have to cope without them. The way she is going no one will want anything to do with her.
We really try with nephew, we have him hear quite a bit despite not really having a relationship with SIL and he is a different child when he is with us. Sometimes I wish we could take him. I feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
Hulder · 23/04/2017 23:11

Let your DH say something. Apologise to party mum who sounds like she clocked what was going on straight away.

And then chalk it up to experience and have a lot less to do with MIL, FIL and SIL and a lot more to do with Aunt and Uncle.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 23:11

he was just expressing himself. When he kicks her in the face, she'll be thinking again. What a loon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 23:12

Posted too soon. Definitely let your dh speak to her. Not doing so is also enabling her.

GoodDayToYou · 23/04/2017 23:12

X post. She really sounds like a nightmare.

TitaniasCloset · 23/04/2017 23:13

Wow.that poor boy.

I agree with Dolores leave them to it and spend time with the wider family. Your Pil have caused this by enabling her. Your mil should not have allowed her to come along. I can't even imagine just turning up at my nephews friends house for a party where I don't know anybody. She does it to make a point.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/04/2017 23:15

She sounds absolutely barmy. What grown adult goes to a childrens' party they haven't been invited to? Nuts. Can you ask her why she came?

BackforGood · 23/04/2017 23:15

Of course YANBU - don't think there can be any doubt about that.

Yes, you should definitely let your dh carry on and have it out with her

Yes, you ought to phone the other Mum and apologise (or apologise when you see her, if you are likely to)

What I don't understand is how SiL knew ? Why would MiL a) let her know she was helping you like that then b) if she let it slip accidentally, allow her to come along. Surely MiL has to take some responsibility, and maybe your dh should speak to her about that aspect.

TitaniasCloset · 23/04/2017 23:16

Yes do ask her. I would love to hear her mad reasoning.

Original poster
Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 23:16

Oh it's always
"He is expressing himself"
"He is pushing boundarys"
"He is tired"
"He is overwhelmed"
"He is overstimulated"
"He is hungry"
Etc etc etc. As I say when he is with just DH, DS and I, he is a different kid.
Not saying we are perfect with kids, not by a long chalk but he knows he can't get away with it with us.

He once said to me "you and uncle Raggydolly really care about me don't you, even though I am not your little boy, DS is lucky I wish you were my mummy" sob sob Sad

OP posts:
user1486915549 · 23/04/2017 23:18

Your PIL are to blame for her behaviour too.
Why did they tell her about / invite her to the party ?
Can your DH have a conversation about it with his parents first ?
Sounds like they are all scared of her.

tabulahrasa · 23/04/2017 23:21

Your SIL is a PITA...

But, why would you do a handover to your MIL halfway through a party? Why did she not just take him to it for you?

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 23:21

Should've asked Auntie - in fact do that!

Let PIL know that Auntie is ding X Y and Z

Please let your DH speak to her she's not normal

Original poster
Raggydolly3 · 23/04/2017 23:22

Oh MIL will have told her about the party, then SIL would have said I am coming with you and MIL would not have been able to say no.

I am going to let DH do his worst, he is following this thread with me as we drive home. He is driving I am reading.

He says he will ask MiL but he knows what the answer will be- she wanted to come as she wanted to spend the day with me (SIL can't spend any part of the weekend on her own but I thought she might plonk herself on FIL)
I really can't believe DH is related to them, I think he was swapped at birth

OP posts: