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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry that DH wont sort out his erectile dysfunction

52 replies

user1475002412 · 22/04/2017 23:31

So so fed up. I am only 30 and but have been forced into a life of celibacy.

DH is 40 and has not had an erection for almost 2 years. He cannot get an erection when he masturbates.

I am so sick of talking about it with him. I used to enjoy sex and am sick of the nagging shrew I have become, literally begging DH to seek medical advice.

Sick of feeling guilty and ashamed that I want to have sex with my own husband.

I have researched it online and there could be medical reasons (he has low chloesteral for eg) and I have told him again and again to see the doctor.

I feel like he doesnt take it seriously. It has now become normal that he is asexual and we are friends rather than lovers. Fine if he was a friend but he is my husband.

I just dont know what to do. Should I never have sex for the rest of my life because DH cant?

OP posts:
TheElephantofSurprise · 22/04/2017 23:33

No. If he won't do anything about it, you will have to leave him.

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:34

Nope it would be a deal breaker for me.

There are other ways to have sex. Does he make a mission to keep you satisfied without penetration.. plenty of intimacy?

If not then the options I would be putting to him are splitting up or opening the marriage which comes with its own risks and may end up with a split anyway.

OnlyWantsOne · 22/04/2017 23:34

YANBU

However, if you don't like it - you'll either have to accept it or leave him.

insideoutoutsidein · 22/04/2017 23:35

Sorry, not sure if this is any help regarding your sex life but I have heard from some medical professionals that erectile disfunction could actually be the first sign of heart disease. So he might want to check that out. It's almost like a canary in the coal mine. Hope things improve for you!

Wando1986 · 22/04/2017 23:35

If you can't live with it and you can't find a compromise (treatment, therapy, other forms of intimacy, open marriage etc) then leave him. No other options available really other than sitting at home feeling unloved/undesired/unwanted. I'd rather be on my own than live with that level of rejection from my 'husband'.

I mean... there is always an affair, but that would be decided by your own moral compass.

gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:37

I must admit I would be really fucking annoyed at the disregard for his health. That shit could mean something serious and he's ignoring it!

Original poster
user1475002412 · 22/04/2017 23:40

inside I have read that too. Infact I gave DH a sermon about this on Weds night. His dad has had a heart attack so potentially hereditary.

He says all the right things "I will ring doctors" but never follows through. He gives me a glimmer of hope just I think, so I dont mention it for a few days.

I have even offered to go to doctor with him, have suggested he write symptons down ans pass to the doctor if hes embarrassed (which he obviously is).

His solution is to buy viagra online. Except last time he took a pill even that didnt give him an erection.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 22/04/2017 23:41

Is there a reason he won't go to the Dr ? Is he embarrassed or something?

Original poster
user1475002412 · 22/04/2017 23:44

I think he is embarrassed but surely the fact it is affecting me means he should just go and get it sorted!!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/04/2017 23:49

Make an appointment for him. Tell him if he doesn't attend with you then you'll be sorting out parting ways. If he's scared then fair enough but sometimes you have to weigh up the cost.

Original poster
user1475002412 · 22/04/2017 23:50

If we didnt have dc I would have left him by now.

OP posts:
steff13 · 22/04/2017 23:51

40 is young for ED. I mean, every once in a while is one thing, not being able to perform ever is quite another. And if the Viagra didn't work, that suggests there's something else going on. He has to go to the doctor. If he won't, you have to decide if you can live that way. I couldn't.

BarneyRumbleton · 22/04/2017 23:55

If he's agreed to go but hasn't sorted it, can you ring and book an appointment? Obviously the ideal would be for him to own this, but since he's making the right noises without any action you might need to give him a nudge.
Next time it comes up in conversation, say 'great, I'll ring for an appointment then.'

Algebraic · 22/04/2017 23:59

I think that your DH is really scared. If he took viagra and that didn't help then it shows there's a physiological reason rather than an emotional/psychological one. Perhaps he is actually terrified to find out what is wrong so is living in denial. I do understand your frustrations though, have you approached this in a delicate way or just from an annoyed 'sort yourself out' way?

Moanyoldcow · 23/04/2017 00:12

So sorry you are going through this. My DH went through some performance anxiety last year which is obviously much less serious than your situation but it led to about 6-9 months of no sex and when we tried he lost his erection.

We had a serious conversation one night and he asked if I was going to leave him. I said that for as long as he tried to solve the issue I'd be there and be supportive but I couldn't ignore it any longer. I was like you, willing to go with him to doctor/counselling etc.

He made a GP appointment and counselling session next day. Within a month things improved massively and we're better than ever.

You need to make it clear that you aren't staying married if there is no commitment to trying to solve the problem.

Does he wake up with erections ever? It does sound to me like he may have a medical issue.

Much luck OP - it's such s trying time but it CAN get better.

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite · 23/04/2017 00:13

I do think he is really really scared.

So, I guess you could just try really really showering him with positivity etc...?

Maybe also help him make an appointment?

Moanyoldcow · 23/04/2017 00:14

Btw - viagra only works when the person is turned on. It not working is not necessarily an indication of a physiological disorder.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 23/04/2017 00:28

He needs to book a drs appt

helpmesusan · 23/04/2017 00:35

I feel really sorry for both of you. It's not the poor guy's fault he has ED!

Jeez, I hear all the time on MN about an entitlement to sex. I get that sex is part of healthy marriage / relationship, but sometimes for whatever reason (mental or physical) your partner may struggle to provide that for you. God help you if the unaffected one is on MN - if they are he / she will be met with a chorus of LTB! You are entitled to a sex life!

All of that said, I think the OP's husband's fault lies not in his ED, but in his refusal to see a doctor. That is very annoying, and very unreasonable.

katronfon · 23/04/2017 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 23/04/2017 01:08

I agree with katronfon I think it's really harsh to threaten to leave because sex isn't happening, what if it can't be fixed, would you leave him? If sex is this important, would you want to leave?

Blueskyonthehorizon · 23/04/2017 03:05

Make the GP appointment yourself OP. If DH refuses to go with you then go on your own, tell the GP about the problem and discuss what can be done. Go back to DH armed with this info and make another appointment for him. And insist on him going/go with him. Don't take no for an answer. As PP have said, it could be life threatening.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/04/2017 03:32

I wouldn't leave my DH because he couldn't have penetrative sex. But I would consider it if he wasn't prepared to try to fix the problem or if he wasn't prepared to try to have a good sex life without penetrative sex. Because that shows a complete disregard for my feelings and needs and that's not really What I think marriage is all about.

SuperBeagle · 23/04/2017 03:40

Honestly, OP, you sound awful whether you intend to or not. To suggest that he should put aside his embarrassment and shame because of you is every bit as selfish (and more) as you're suggesting his actions (or inactions) are.

If a man came on here suggesting that he was angry with his wife because she couldn't have sex for whatever reason, and he was going to leave her over it, he'd be flamed. This is no different. Be supportive; don't admonish the bloke for something that he can't control.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2017 03:42

I agree that leaving him wouldnt be about the lack of sex but his refusal to seek any form of help about it. The ED is not his fault but not seeing a doctor is.

Add into that the fact that it could be an indicator of other, potentially very serious, medical issues that could have a huge impact on him the OP and their DC, then it is incredibly stupid and selfish to not get it looked into.