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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry that DH wont sort out his erectile dysfunction

52 replies

user1475002412 · 22/04/2017 23:31

So so fed up. I am only 30 and but have been forced into a life of celibacy.

DH is 40 and has not had an erection for almost 2 years. He cannot get an erection when he masturbates.

I am so sick of talking about it with him. I used to enjoy sex and am sick of the nagging shrew I have become, literally begging DH to seek medical advice.

Sick of feeling guilty and ashamed that I want to have sex with my own husband.

I have researched it online and there could be medical reasons (he has low chloesteral for eg) and I have told him again and again to see the doctor.

I feel like he doesnt take it seriously. It has now become normal that he is asexual and we are friends rather than lovers. Fine if he was a friend but he is my husband.

I just dont know what to do. Should I never have sex for the rest of my life because DH cant?

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2017 03:47

Super but it isnt just about her. He clearly wants to sort this out otherwise he wouldnt bother buying viagra online, but the one easy (and free) way to do that, seeing a doctor, he wont do. That must be very frustrating from the OPs point of view, especially as it could be something relatively simple and easy to treat. And if it isnt, then at least they both know what they are dealing with and with some counselling they may be able to find other ways to have a sex life that suits them both. As it is, there are none of these options available to either of them, because of his refusal to see someone.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/04/2017 04:33

Super she hasn't said she's admonished him for something he can't control. She's admonished ("begged" and "nagged" is what she's actually said) him for the thing he can control - seeking help.

steff13 · 23/04/2017 05:20

The OP says they haven't had sex in two years, and that it's become the norm that her husband is asexual. That makes it sound as though he isn't offering her any intimacy at all. I don't think that's acceptable in a marriage, unless that's the arrangement you've agreed to.

I get he might be uncomfortable discussing it with the doctor, but that's something most of us have to deal with at one time or another in our lives, discussing something with a doctor that makes us uncomfortable or scared.

rizlett · 23/04/2017 05:34

Maybe take the pressure off and have sex by yourself for a bit?

TheStoic · 23/04/2017 05:43

Honestly, OP, you sound awful whether you intend to or not. To suggest that he should put aside his embarrassment and shame because of you is every bit as selfish (and more) as you're suggesting his actions (or inactions) are.

Disregard projections like this, OP. You are not even slightly unreasonable to be upset at your situation.

TheTabardOfDoom · 23/04/2017 06:05

I don't think you would be unreasonable to leave in these circumstances. He is showing total disregard for his wife here. It will eat away at your self respect and self esteem long term OP. I would be giving an ultimatum around about now too.

DeadGood · 23/04/2017 06:42

Rizlett I'm sure you think you're being very racy and risqué, but it's been two years, and I have no doubt that the OP already is.

scaryclown · 23/04/2017 06:43

I read something online about someone who had previously had ed including not getting a full erection when masturbating, and it was both a psychological issue (deaths in the family, loss of job) and lack of sleep issue, combined with the fact that masturbating without an erection had become a habit that seemed to have trained him out of needing one. In that one, porn had become an issue, as he was using it to try and supercharge, but that meant that he lost the ability to be aroused by intimacy and usual stimulus.. (and reading between the lines had started to use porn/sex as a self-care for avoiding things rather than as a relationship thing)

They did recover to full erections, but it was giving up porn, and regular masturbation, lots of exercise, really healthy eating, sleep clinic, and counselling about feelings of numbness after bereavement. I think it was on a nofap website or anti-porn one.

I also know someone locally whose older than me (58 or so) and her friend had a partner who did have some serious blood pressure concerns, or was on low blood pressure medication or something similar, and he didn't get erections at all as a result - they were very open about how depressing they both found it. I know they had lots of creative sex, but they did miss it, so its not unreasonable that you feel bad, even if you are considerate about it.

There is one thing certain, he should certainly seek help, and treat it honestly otherwise he will both internalise it as normal and probably deep down feel worse and worse about it.

Are there any obvious issues that could really damage his self esteem or security hanging around?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2017 06:46

Buying medication online sounds risky and unreliable. I'd consider making him a GP appointment at a time you know he can attend. Might persuade him into action.

scaryclown · 23/04/2017 06:54

Oh I also remember reading about testosterone therapy on here somewhere - that was via a GP - it was for fatigue, but I'm pretty sure one result was morning erections coming back.

Yes I agree, he should seek help. All he has to do is rehearse the phrase 'I'm not really getting the erections I'd like to get and its affecting my relationship'. or even 'Do I have blood pressure problems doctor?' as a start-off.

scaryclown · 23/04/2017 07:00

Oh and re viagra, you can get proper viagra from boots, which would be better than taking a pill that may or may not be real to judge.
Viagra doesn't give you an erection, though, what it does is turn low-stimulus into a full erection that stays - its a myth that you take it and get an erection simply from taking it (blame comedy for that), but if you are really not into having sex, you can still lose an erection on viagra.

Have you tried making bloody sure he is eating a good diet re testosterone/zinc etc?

Nanna50 · 23/04/2017 08:03

OP you describe your OH as asexual suggesting that he has no interest in sex, perhaps this is why he refuses to go to the GP as he believes that any visit may show he is fit and well or that the erectile function could be treated.

For me it would be the lack of effort on his part, the refusal to rule out medical reasons and the not talking about ways to still enjoy sex that would cause me concern and make me question whether he actually wanted sex?

Have you talked about his lack of interest in sex, rather than the impotence, is he impotent because he is asexual and has no interest or vice versa. Or has it got to the stage now where sex is a word that sets off feelings of resentment on both sides so you can't talk about it? Would he try counselling?

Oh and I agree that MN always has double standards on these issues, a bloke on here moaning about not having sex and his wife not caring would no doubt generate different replies.

Original poster

user1475002412 · 23/04/2017 10:02

I really dont think I sound awful because I want to have sex with my husband. I am 30 not 80 and it is pretty nornal to have sexual needs!

DH will not sort this problem out, he has made no effort to see a doctor or try counselling.

Sex is important to me. For 2 years I have been forced into celibacy. For 2 years I have been supportive with DH, remaining positive, suggesting advice etc.

I have now reached my limit. I dont want to never have sex again just because DH has decided he is happy not too.

OP posts:

katronfon · 23/04/2017 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hillfarmer · 23/04/2017 10:17

Super - you are either spectacularly missing the point or you haven't RTFT.

It's not that he has erectile problems per se, but the fact that refuses to seek help to resolve the issue. It is his stubbornness/ denial and ultimately lack of care towards the OP that makes her wonder whether she should leave him. He is fobbing her off, despite her being supportive and helpful..

Your DH having penis problems is one thing, denying sexual contact in a loving relationship is quite another. He is not even being sensible about it - buying internet 'viagra' is pretty stupid. Not plucking up the courage to go to the GP at the request of your beloved who shows you care and concern is not just stupid, it is also uncaring and dismissive of her important feelings as well.

gamerchick · 23/04/2017 10:19

I wouldn't leave my DH because he couldn't have penetrative sex. But I would consider it if he wasn't prepared to try to fix the problem or if he wasn't prepared to try to have a good sex life without penetrative sex. Because that shows a complete disregard for my feelings and needs and that's not really What I think marriage is all about

Yep.

If a man came on here saying his wife won't have sex and they haven't for years and she doesn't care I would tell him to leave her. Makes no odds on the gender. Intimacy is important in a relationship, without it it dies eventually. Not even addressing the issue is unacceptable.

steff13 · 23/04/2017 17:37

I don't think you sound awful, OP. You and your husband could potentially be married for 40 more years. That's a long time to go without some kind of intimacy.

CPtart · 23/04/2017 17:52

Low cholesterol wouldn't be a problem, but high cholesterol would. If his arteries are clogging up leading to reduced blood flow to his penis, chances are they're clogging up unbeknown to him elsewhere (heart, brain). Does he smoke? Has he been checked for diabetes? A recent blood pressure check?

Original poster

user1475002412 · 23/04/2017 17:53

We had yet another conversation about it today. He has said he will ring to get a doctors appointment this week. I just hope this time he means it and isnt trying to fob me off again for a quiet life.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1475002412 · 23/04/2017 17:56

cpart sorry it is high cholesterol he has not low, my mistake.

But, he is a non drinker, non smoker who runs 4 times a week. Apparently his resting heartbeat is equivalent to athletes. He is that fit. So maybe it is nothing to do with his physical health?

OP posts:

steff13 · 23/04/2017 18:26

Are you sure he can't get an erection? Not even at night while he's asleep? If he's capable of getting them while he's asleep, that would seem to indicate the problem is not physical.

AngelThursday · 23/04/2017 19:00

My DH and I nearly separated after over ten years of no intimacy due to my reluctance to accept there was something wrong with me ie I was the one not interested in sex. In the end he took the deceitful option and had a long term affair. One of the reasons excuses he gave was my refusal to get help (the fact he never asked me is a different issue)
With the benefit of hindsight, you are right to urge him to get help. I regret now not taking the physical and intimate side of my marriage seriously and whilst we are working on rebuilding our relationship there is huge hurt now on both sides. Act now before it's too late

Hilaolmos · 01/09/2017 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GingerLemonTea · 01/09/2017 19:40

balsamicbarbara · 01/09/2017 19:53

He could have health anxiety after his father's heart condition? Especially if he has high cholesterol. Getting healthy may be a key first step before thinking about sex as he may be scared he'll keel over doing such strenuous exercise.

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