Was I U to tell this boy off?

[Mycutiemarkisrubbish]

(NC as this is quite identifiable if the parents happen to be on here)

There is a boy who lives on our street who is 5 like my DC. We know the parents well, have known them since the kids were babies, often walk too and from school together, are good enough friends that we have looked after the children in emergencies.

Boy is very friendly and can really be very sweet, but he is also very, very lively and often is far too rough playing with the other children (including DC), runs off while walking home, doesn't listen to his parents etc. Normally I would say this is none of my business - and am prepared to have it handed to me here that it really isn't - but he does influence my DC to run off too, or upsets them by pushing and hitting while playing. Obviously this is my issue to talk to my DC about the explain that just because one child does it doesn't mean they do.

Anyway, after a few recent incidents including running into my house after my DC and shutting the front door on us, the other day we were all walking home after school, and he was another family member rather than one of his parents. Kids ran down the alleyway towards our garden, which is normal. Then they ran into the garden - not an issue in itself. However when I tried to get him to leave and go back to his adult he refused to, and ran off into my garden and hid behind the shed. He refused to come out and in the end I had to take his hands and encourage him out. I had told the adult he wasn't coming out and they said he would come out eventually. I had my two DC, including a hungry baby, and really needed to get into the house so I managed to encourage him out from behind the shed.

I put my hands on his upper arms to get him to stand still and went down to his level and asked him what he should do if a grown up he knows asks him to do something. He pulled himself away and ran off. He was tantruming when he got back to the adult and nearly crying. I said goodbye to them all nicely and told him to have a nice weekend but he just ran off.

The reason I'm worrying now is that I know his parents dislike other people telling him off (I have seen them 'tell off' coaches at a sports club both our DC attend for upsetting him). I like them and don't want this to spoil our friendship. However I'm worried he will tell them that I told him off. It might sound silly but I'm now questioning whether I was right to tell him off? I really wouldn't have batted an eyelid if anyone had done the same to my DC if they were behaving like that.

(Sorry this was long just trying to explain the full situation)

But monkey the carer allowed the child to run off, the parents will not manage the child's behaviour.
Whatever the issues the parents have that responsibility.

Its not the same as judging a parent for not keep their child quiet or allow it to fidget or even swear. Some things occur even when parents put tons of effort in.

Does it really look like these parents are putting that effort in?

Kids with SN deserve to be kept safe. Its bloody hard work to teach them 'the rules' but if we don't try they are more likely to get labeled the naughty kid and to be excluded.

Don't doubt yourself OP. He was on your property, without supervision, therefore it is down to you how you see fit to deal with the situation. I think you did the right thing, that poor child obviously needs some discipline in his life. If the parents comment on it then simple state the area of the garden he was standing in was unsafe, and he was not listening so you had to physically move himself rather than leaving him to have a serious accident.
Also I wouldn't worry about him being a bad influence on your DC, I'd say it's a great learning opportunity for them. Don't worry about saying out loud in front of the boys parents, everyone parents differently. I.e. Said boy is running off down a busy main road - call your DC back and get down to their level and explain there and then 'it is unsafe to run across this busy road, and you must walk safely close by an adult'. It may even make her evaluate what she lets her son do, if she hears you correcting his behaviour to your own DC.
Personally I think being friends with a parents that allows their child to get away with everything would drive me mad! Also I'd worry about the care my DC were receiving if left in her care, if said boy is hurting them.

I am well aware of this Mrsdv.

But whether is there in considering the issue of additional needs and discussing it on threads about behaviour, even to disagree?

From personal experience I am just so wary of parent blaming

Whether =what harm.

I am glad the thread has become a broader discussion than what crappy parents they are, even if the conclusion is that they are.

Must mention that I have a child we can't actually let go of outside at any time

Personally I would not have put my hands firmly on both arms. I would have encouraged him out once or twice whilst getting into my house. If he didn't come out I would have left his carers to get him. I never touch other folk's children and I wouldn't expect people to put their hands on mine. I have a daughter with ASD and we use other strategies rather than restraint, but I know of friends who do use restraint on their child with ASD - their child, their choice.

Are you worried deep down because you put your hands on him and think that may have upset him?

It sort of is if there is a friendship between the OP and the parents. I'm talking about being able to discuss the broader picture, that's all.

I think so, Sparkle. To me its a natural way of parenting when my child is being unruly and i need them to call down and listen to me but I don't think its normal for him

Yanbu. You didn't yell or speak harshly, you just removed him from behind the shed and tried to talk to him, a bit like supernanny methods I suppose. I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

Of course you weren't being unreasonable. He's 5, not 2. He's not learning how to behave - he knows how to behave and needs to know when he's crossed boundaries. At school he would be given chances and then sanctioned. I teach and yes, when a child has been given chances and knows they are doing the wrong thing but chooses to continue, my tone changes. I don't "shout" but am firm as you were OP. I actually think it'd have been worse if you'd ignored it - as the adult close by he would think he could get away with things.

If the parents say anything tell them it was dangerous behind your shed and you were worried for his safety. Make sure they know the other relative did nothing to intervene. If neither of you had done anything their child could have been injured.

If it was me, I'd have probably yanked him out if he didn't come willingly when asked the first time.
I won't put up with nonsense from my DS or other people's if I'm looking after them. My gaff, my rules.
Luckily, my DC's have friends whose parents are mostly farmers and very matter of fact. There's no special snowflake parenting around here.