Was I U to tell this boy off?

[Mycutiemarkisrubbish]

(NC as this is quite identifiable if the parents happen to be on here)

There is a boy who lives on our street who is 5 like my DC. We know the parents well, have known them since the kids were babies, often walk too and from school together, are good enough friends that we have looked after the children in emergencies.

Boy is very friendly and can really be very sweet, but he is also very, very lively and often is far too rough playing with the other children (including DC), runs off while walking home, doesn't listen to his parents etc. Normally I would say this is none of my business - and am prepared to have it handed to me here that it really isn't - but he does influence my DC to run off too, or upsets them by pushing and hitting while playing. Obviously this is my issue to talk to my DC about the explain that just because one child does it doesn't mean they do.

Anyway, after a few recent incidents including running into my house after my DC and shutting the front door on us, the other day we were all walking home after school, and he was another family member rather than one of his parents. Kids ran down the alleyway towards our garden, which is normal. Then they ran into the garden - not an issue in itself. However when I tried to get him to leave and go back to his adult he refused to, and ran off into my garden and hid behind the shed. He refused to come out and in the end I had to take his hands and encourage him out. I had told the adult he wasn't coming out and they said he would come out eventually. I had my two DC, including a hungry baby, and really needed to get into the house so I managed to encourage him out from behind the shed.

I put my hands on his upper arms to get him to stand still and went down to his level and asked him what he should do if a grown up he knows asks him to do something. He pulled himself away and ran off. He was tantruming when he got back to the adult and nearly crying. I said goodbye to them all nicely and told him to have a nice weekend but he just ran off.

The reason I'm worrying now is that I know his parents dislike other people telling him off (I have seen them 'tell off' coaches at a sports club both our DC attend for upsetting him). I like them and don't want this to spoil our friendship. However I'm worried he will tell them that I told him off. It might sound silly but I'm now questioning whether I was right to tell him off? I really wouldn't have batted an eyelid if anyone had done the same to my DC if they were behaving like that.

(Sorry this was long just trying to explain the full situation)

Yeah ok monkey its just sometimes reading the judgment on MN in relation to this some people give the impression that by early childhood their children are trained up like performing seals.

Parents go around telling coaches they can't tell their child off. Says everything you need to know.

Their child is badly behaved.

You have every right to not want him in your garden without permission.

The child could have cried because he's 5 or because he knows that his parents will take his side on everything and go 'there there' and excuse his behaviour.

We're only on page 2 though. By page 5 no doubt we'll have self diagnosed education psychologists telling us the child clearly has an additional need and how dare the OP expect the child to behave. People will say "but the parents aren't giving boundaries and are undermining other adults" and it'll become a bun fight "my child has X and can't follow rules and you're suggesting that I've caused it by bad parenting". Can see it now. Any thread about poor behaviour goes that way at the moment.

I don't think he has any additional needs. His parents haven't mentioned any and we talk a lot so it's unlikely they wouldn't have said.

If it happened the way you say without excessive force or aggresive shouting/intimidation I don't see a problem.

Personally I would have told the adult with him I would take my dc into the house and leave them to it so the dhild wasn't getting the attention he was looking for.

Noone ever says they definitely have an additional need.

Some people are aware of the possibility usually, and need to consider all causes, and rightly so.

Are you suggesting its wrong to ever briefly consider any reason for behaviour other than crap parents maisy? Surely not

YANBU OP. Most adults would be mortified if their child did this and certainly not angry with any third party. Asside from issues about manners and boundaries, they are putting him at serious physical risk if they don't take steps to give consequences and correct this particular behaviour. Running into places he has been told not to and refusing to come out is dangerous-suppose next time he decides that a building site rather than a garden looks inviting?

TheMonkey where does it say that the OP gave him a bollocking?

It was fine. You did nothing wrong

Of course it's possible he has additional needs. Sometimes parents are not quite ready to accept it themselves or tell others, but you can only do what you can with the information you have. And your reaction was fine

I don't see a problem with telling him off. However you should have just gone in the house with your kids after letting the relative into your garden. You could have also told the relative that you don't let your DC go near the shed because it's dangerous - therefore giving the relative full responsibility and knowledge. In reality how dangerous is the shed. If it's not life death dangerous, best left him learn about natural consequences to silly behaviour

I have an immature 9yo boy with some social and behavioural difficulties/needs who would quite possibly do as this 5yo did. I think you handled it perfectly to be honest! I do set boundaries and enforce them etc etc but he's unpredictable, strong, and fast and I would appreciate any adult who felt they needed to react to him doing something dangerous or unwanted if I couldn't get there first. Stop doubting yourself OP, you did just fine!

It's quite common for SEN to be diagnosed between 7 and 10 years. Very complex needs I'm sure will be picked up earlier.

Monkey - it gets that way by the end of threads.
Either that happens or your you get "oh so your children are perfectly behaved all the time" comments.

The child may have another need, but I'm fairly sure that the biggest factor in OP story are parents who don't discipline at all and tell the coach off etc. Hardly giving boundaries and structure for the poor child. And it's the child who'll end up suffering if he gets a 'naughty' reputation etc when he's probably a lovely child who over time gets upsrt/cross when there's inconsistency or boundaries in place because he's not used to it.

Well it wouldn't if people were open and sensitive.

A thread about a child with behavioural issues should be able to be a broader discussion than just "what a brat with crappy parents " in an ideal world

And that's my point.
There's nothing to suggest this child DOES have behaviour issues. There is evidence of his parents telling coaches off for giving him boundaries. There is evidence of them letting him behave how he likes.

People are very quick to assume behaviour issues and then allow parents to continue doing nothing.
(Which is how you get threads like 'yes the child has been violent to other children but how awful are school to move my child out of class')

Yet when you look at a previous posters who has a child with needs they've said that the way the OP responded was perfectly fine. That boundaries would work well.

Stop worrying. You didn't do anything wrong at all.

It's getting beyond a joke now, this generation is being brought up as if they'll melt if someone looks at them side ways. It HAS to stop.

NotYoda that can be true, I find myself telling everyone that DS2 probably has ADHD (CAMHS don't seem to agree with me or the school), as they judge me for the way I deal with him.

Should add. I've worked with kids with behaviour needs over the last 10 years

Massive difference between parents who are on board, support school, put strategies in place at home and parents who don't, challenge school and clubs and think that any behaviour should be accepted because 'there's a reason'.

You didn't do anything wrong.
Even if the child had an 'additional need' you dealt with it in an appropriate way.

Getting down to the child's level, holding gently to ground them, speaking clearly and firmly...all those things are great for a lot of SNs

If he has got SNs his parents need to up their game. They won't help him by ignoring his behaviour.

thefirstmrsdv You've put it better than me.

OP was just fine.
And yes, whether there are needs or not his parents need to step it up.

Possibly or maybe they could be struggling to cope with it? Who knows

I don't think the OP necessarily did anything wrong but I hate how these threads always must just go straight to parent blaming and everything a lack of discipline, with no thought for the wider issues which can be involved with behavioural problems.

My only point is we dont know they are blithe . Coming from this from a perspective of knowing many parents who were unfairly judged when struggling. Definitely not always the case but it shouldn't be anathema to consider it either.

It's a general point, not particularly directed at OP, although if she is friends with these people she may welcome hearing about all sorts of experiences.