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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I U to tell this boy off?

88 replies

Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 22/04/2017 20:13

(NC as this is quite identifiable if the parents happen to be on here)

There is a boy who lives on our street who is 5 like my DC. We know the parents well, have known them since the kids were babies, often walk too and from school together, are good enough friends that we have looked after the children in emergencies.

Boy is very friendly and can really be very sweet, but he is also very, very lively and often is far too rough playing with the other children (including DC), runs off while walking home, doesn't listen to his parents etc. Normally I would say this is none of my business - and am prepared to have it handed to me here that it really isn't - but he does influence my DC to run off too, or upsets them by pushing and hitting while playing. Obviously this is my issue to talk to my DC about the explain that just because one child does it doesn't mean they do.

Anyway, after a few recent incidents including running into my house after my DC and shutting the front door on us, the other day we were all walking home after school, and he was another family member rather than one of his parents. Kids ran down the alleyway towards our garden, which is normal. Then they ran into the garden - not an issue in itself. However when I tried to get him to leave and go back to his adult he refused to, and ran off into my garden and hid behind the shed. He refused to come out and in the end I had to take his hands and encourage him out. I had told the adult he wasn't coming out and they said he would come out eventually. I had my two DC, including a hungry baby, and really needed to get into the house so I managed to encourage him out from behind the shed.

I put my hands on his upper arms to get him to stand still and went down to his level and asked him what he should do if a grown up he knows asks him to do something. He pulled himself away and ran off. He was tantruming when he got back to the adult and nearly crying. I said goodbye to them all nicely and told him to have a nice weekend but he just ran off.

The reason I'm worrying now is that I know his parents dislike other people telling him off (I have seen them 'tell off' coaches at a sports club both our DC attend for upsetting him). I like them and don't want this to spoil our friendship. However I'm worried he will tell them that I told him off. It might sound silly but I'm now questioning whether I was right to tell him off? I really wouldn't have batted an eyelid if anyone had done the same to my DC if they were behaving like that.

(Sorry this was long Blush just trying to explain the full situation)

OP posts:
brasty · 22/04/2017 21:55

Don't think twice, what you did was fine.

Although I am the stranger who does tell off other people's kids.

NotMyPenguin · 22/04/2017 21:57

My DD (age 3) was desperately upset with her dad for "doing angry talking" and was in hysterical tears when they met up with me shortly afterwards.

He'd just shouted at her to stop running across the road in front of a bike and taxi. Soooooooo unreasonable ;-)

Of course you were right to do what you did.

foxyloxy78 · 23/04/2017 00:35

Don't over think it. If the parents have a problem, it is their problem. You did the right thing.

Trifleorbust · 23/04/2017 06:39

Old wood is often full of old, rusty nails.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 07:01

What's with all the threads about giving small kids bollockings until they cry?

5 is very little

Fabulousdahlink · 23/04/2017 07:15

Your house and garden your rules. Lock your front door and bolt for your gate. Tell him ( and his carers)you will do the same thing everytime he runs off and goes in your house or garden without an adult as it is not safe for him, and then do it. You will be doing him a favour in the long run, giving him boundaries he can understand. You can bet he follows school rules about running off or areas that are out of bounds...
If it is that he isnt and subsequently he turns out to have some sort of additional need..he still needs boundaries and simple rules to keep him safe.
Tell his carers thatyou are worried about his safety and tell him too. He is old enough to understand that you want to keep him safe because you like him and the rules are to keep him safe.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2017 07:25

TheMonkey

I don't think op was harsh. Some children just cry when told they're doing something they're not supposed to. Doesn't sound like a bollocking to me.

If you are concerned, send them a text saying you were worried about him as he was hiding in a dangerous place. Hope he didn't hurt himself as he was very upset when he ran off.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 07:28

I suppose my gut instinct was that it just wasn't a great place to leave a small child unattended

Well exactly if you hadn't sorted it quickly and he'd hurt himself then they'd be complaining about that.

I have 4 reasons for tackling DC other than my own:

  • something that is clearly dangerous
  • behaviour that could cause damage to property
  • water pistols and nerf guns pointing at me when leaving house
  • if I see them being clearly unpleasant to one/ other children.

It is very rare I have had to say anything, I don't enforce my own stricter than their parents rules but if I need to say something I will. I don't tell them off it will be an instruction eg 'I wouldn't shoot that gun if I were you', 'put down the stones', 'take x back to your house' etc etc..... If the parents don't like it then they need to actually supervise themselves.

Believeitornot · 23/04/2017 07:29

As a parent of a boisterous child, I think it's important that other adults are allowed to tell them off if they piss about, and I'm not there to deal with it. Or I'm not close enough to deal with it.

It takes a village.

So yanbu op.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 07:31

Some children just cry when told they're doing something they're not supposed to.

^^ this. As someone said upthread 5yo is incredibly young and they react to lots of things by crying. It doesn't equate to the OP being unduly harsh.

jarhead123 · 23/04/2017 07:34

What a nightmare, he sounds like he needs some discipline! You definitely did the right thing.

shinynewusername · 23/04/2017 07:36

If the parents complain, explain about it being an unsafe area where your own DC aren't allowed to go. If they still think YWBU, then you're better off without them. The fact that they are telling off coaches at clubs for 5 year olds for upsetting him is a massive red flag.

WateryTart · 23/04/2017 07:59

You did the right thing. I would avoid that child from now on, though. If he can't behave let your DCs play with DCs who can.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 08:02

Yes..write the kid off at 5 snd let him have no friends Hmm

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 23/04/2017 08:07

I think he probably cried because his parents never discipline him firmly, and he was probably quite frightened. I understand why you did what you did (and I'd do that with my DCs if they behaved that way), but in future I'd hand over to the parent or relative, especially as the you know the parents don't like other people disciplining him.
And, tho it seems like you shouldn't have to, if you have other peoples kids in the garden, I'd make it reasonably safe (I.e clear out behind the shed, or put up a barrier that stops them). You're likely to have a lot more kids home from school without parents present as he gets older, and they won't all be well behaved all the time!
Just to reiterate, I don't think you were too harsh or anything, I just think you have to respect the way other parents bring their kids up (even if you think they're misguided). You may find you spend less time around them due to this difference, its difficult..

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 08:09

It doesn't sound like the child is the problem. Most 5yos do daft things because they are erm 5. It's how adults react (or don't) that causes issues and in the end avoidance of playing with some children.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 08:10

Also its not always just lack of discipline behind behavioural issues. I hope it is and then the parents arent getting judged unfairly, but you never know.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 08:12

Loverly my 7yo would have cried in this situation for the record but she wouldn't if I'd said it (and would have taken more notice of the OP than me). I don't think you can conclude the reason for it through MN.

Original poster
Mycutiemarkisrubbish · 23/04/2017 08:13

It's reassuring to read that other people don't think I was harsh. There were probably better ways to deal with it in hindsight but it was a bit of a culmination of him doing things he shouldn't be doing.

OP posts:
Increasinglymiddleaged · 23/04/2017 08:14

Monkey the only behaviour issue is that when the child ran off the adult did nothing. The child is 5 ffs they don't all walk around with books on their head, well not in real life anyway. I think MNetters' children are seemingly more perfect than any RL ones.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 08:15

Oops sorry..wrong thread..will ask for deletion

miserableandinpain · 23/04/2017 08:17

I think you did the right thing. Too many soft parents. I have 2 seperate families do this except the child ran into my house. One of the families had 4 run in Confused and instead of going in to get them and me saying sorry i need to sort dinner etc.... they stood chatting about crap and half heartedly calling their names throigh the door. In the end i walk in and say ok thank you everyone we will sort out a play date another time. Other adult loves the sound of this. But then im too wary of them coming and never leaving i never organise anything! Yanbu

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 23/04/2017 08:17

Increasingly. Well possibly, but sounds like he has some behavioural difficulties in general, from what OP said. Hopefully its just immaturity or lack of discipline, but its not always.

Crumbs1 · 23/04/2017 08:17

If he's misbehaving on your property you have a right to be cross with him. I'd probably have been firmer still but I am also one of those people who tells children off in street/at beach if I see them misbehaving either unaccompanied groups or with parent whose ignoring behaviour that is impacting on me or others.