Dh and 'his' money

[Wornout8]

Our financial situation is that I work part time (25 hours) and Dh is full time, he pays all bills and I pay for the childcare, dc activities and transfer money into our joint savings account each month. We have separate accounts and are left with the same amount each month for ourselves, however I find myself paying for 90% of anything that the dc need, if I need to make a big purchase such as school shoes I ask him for half, he gives me the money albeit grudgingly especially if I ask too often. We've had a huge row tonight as today dd and I took £4 out of 'his' change that he was saving, this is money dd was owed for pocket money and wanted to spend on a shopping trip today, pocket money is the only regular thing dh pays for for the dc at £4 a week, he often 'forgets' to do this and dd has to ask for it. DH was furious that we had taken this money and made dd cry and offer to pay it back and me livid that he had made her feel like that, I'm really cross about the whole situation and annoyed that he is making me out to be unreasonable.

If you divorce him you will have a lot more money and lose an abusive man child so win win

If you divorce him you will have a lot more money and lose an abusive man child so win win

I wholeheartedly second this.

Relationships should be equal, none of this "I work more so should have more money" crap. Any work, out of the house or in it, is an equal contribution that does not link to monetary value. He needs a good talking to!

If you, in theory, end up with the same amount of spending money, and have a shared savings account - what's the point of keeping everything separately? All this "I'll pay for this, you pay for that, and it'll work it proportionate"? Just pool it and draw from the same pot.

With your current arrangement, it's so easy for things to become muddied, especially as some men can be really unrealistic about how expensive kids are, and have an inflated sense of their own contribution.

He is clearly spending his cash on stuff he doesn't want you to know about, or he is simply a miser to an embarrassing degree.

DH earns six times what I earn. We have different attitudes to spending. Our salaries go into individual accounts then we each pay a % into a joint account for all household and childcare bills etc. The remainder of our salaries we are free to spend as we wish.
Be very careful, children get massively more expensive as they get older.

We have joint accounts to pay joint house/kids expenses plus joint savings and same money 'left over' for us each in our own accounts.

Lots of PP ask why wouldn't couples share all money?

DH will spend ALL his money if there is some showing in his account - he has lots of hobbies and loves books etc. I don't want him to have access to all our money as he'd just spend it! I like to have a buffer built in....

I'd tell him that the kids stuff needs to come out of the savings money from now on rather then out of your cash
This.
Simple.

I don't understand 50/50 split bills where one partner ear lns significantly more than the other. We split ours proportionately according to our income and give ourselves a set amount for personal spending (e.g. hobbies, clothes). Everything else comes out of a shared pot - holidays, car maintenance, days out, kids clothing and trips etc.

earns obviously.

We have a slightly different set up: two joint accounts - his salary goes into one, which he manages, mine goes into the other. So technically it's all shared, but we each manage an account - he earns more than I do because I work PT, so he pays absolutely all the bills, car maintenance, taxes etc etc.
I cover everything for the children and the household: food, holidays, clothes, .... pocket money. Although he pays the allowance to the student DC.
Re presents it tends to be the person who chooses it who pays - he bought DC1 a computer and DC2 an expensive bicycle - he paid.

If we go out for a meal either one of us pays.... or occasionally he can't be bothered to get off his seat so he gives me his CC to pay with.
It works for us - in an emergency [have you thought about how you would cope if your DP went under a bus or was in a coma?] either of us could access all the household cash, but we still have our "own" money as neither looks too closely at the account the other person manages, although the details are just a click of a mouse away.

Just put less into the savings each month. Instead of £150 each or whatever you both put in just drop it on your side to £50 a month.

Expenses for DC I.e. clothing, shoes, uniform, activities, school trips, hair cuts pocket money etc should be shared between you.
If you are having to dip into your 'Spending money' while his is for his own use I'd reduce the amount you contribute to the savings.

Is the cost of childcare shared? You aren't clear about that.

It sounds like you are paying for the children's needs from your 'share' after other bills. That isn't right or fair.

We'll live together, we'll get married, we'll commit to spending the rest of our lives together, we'll have children.... but it's your responsibility to pay for them.

Nope, I still can't get my head around it.
We have never had an argument about money, whether we were earning the same as each other or when he was earning and I was a SAHM. We're in it together.