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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh and 'his' money

64 replies

Wornout8 · 21/04/2017 21:32

Our financial situation is that I work part time (25 hours) and Dh is full time, he pays all bills and I pay for the childcare, dc activities and transfer money into our joint savings account each month. We have separate accounts and are left with the same amount each month for ourselves, however I find myself paying for 90% of anything that the dc need, if I need to make a big purchase such as school shoes I ask him for half, he gives me the money albeit grudgingly especially if I ask too often. We've had a huge row tonight as today dd and I took £4 out of 'his' change that he was saving, this is money dd was owed for pocket money and wanted to spend on a shopping trip today, pocket money is the only regular thing dh pays for for the dc at £4 a week, he often 'forgets' to do this and dd has to ask for it. DH was furious that we had taken this money and made dd cry and offer to pay it back and me livid that he had made her feel like that, I'm really cross about the whole situation and annoyed that he is making me out to be unreasonable.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/04/2017 22:27

Whats odd about £4?!

skerrywind · 21/04/2017 22:28

Horrible situation.

We share all money.
One pot.

HashiAsLarry · 21/04/2017 22:33

DH an I do it the other way. We have a family account which everything is pooled into and comes out of, then we allocate spends that are solely ours. Of course we may over it some months, and others it may be spent on the kids but then that's our choices not an expectation. DC pocket money comes from family account too.

Tenerife2015 · 21/04/2017 22:33

Sorry but I wouldn't be happy with DH helping himself to my money from my purse! But he was a dick to be annoyed with DC, he should be annoyed at you.

The way you split costs is a separate issue that needs resolving too.

OverOn · 21/04/2017 22:39

I agree with ThreeFish on splitting money fairly.

The DC spend should come out of the joint money, before you allocate to both your personal spend.

lbsjob87 · 21/04/2017 22:40

My OH does have "his" money - sort of. He inherited a reasonable whack when his dad died, which sits in a joint account. I say it's "his" money because it was left to him, (although, legally it's ours, I guess) and I don't think it's fair for me to spend it without asking him, but he's never once refused. That said, it mostly sits there, but we've used it for a couple of bigger purchases that we would make joint decisions on anyway, but when he was away on a work course a while ago, I asked him first before replacing the packed-up dishwasher, but I think that's normal.

His wages go into the joint account- he's rubbish at remembering to pay things, and he earns much more than I do, so it makes sense. He also went though a stage many years ago where he couldn't control his spending (he was depressed for a while).
He pays for school uniform, childminder etc, purely because I don't earn enough.

My wages and the CB go into my own account, I use it for day to day stuff, days out, pocket money, lunches, clubs etc but if I need more, I just use the joint account.

I personally would worry if £4 caused him that much of an issue - if you can afford to save £300 a month, you're obviously not struggling for every penny so there must be another reason, maybe the problem is with him.

highinthesky · 21/04/2017 22:50

Marriage is a committed union, and you're supposed to be working as a team. There should be no "his" and "yours", otherwise where does the counting of favours end?

His behaviour is not a revelation to you, is it OP? It sounds to me like this is the final straw. I bet he is selfish in lots of other ways.

Benedikte2 · 21/04/2017 22:52

OP I was in the same situation as you way back. Only I worked full time and earned more than my exH. We ended up with same amount of "personal" spending money though I complained that my need as a woman for toiletries etc was more expensive. When we had DC he refused to agree to my getting more though I "kept" DC out of my spending money and bought all DC's Christmas and Birthday gifts -- my requests for help were denied. His money he spent solely on himself.
Work out the average amount you need to spend on your DC to meet their needs and subtract that from the money you put in the savings account. Tell him this in non-negotiable because you just can't afford to continue to contribute to the DC the way you have been.
Get him to set up a direct debit for your DD's pocket money -- then she can be sure it will paid.
This is a power game that some men love to play
Good luck

Lynnm63 · 21/04/2017 22:59

He's out of order. He 'forgot' to give dd her pocket money so you took it from his change. Unless it was money he'd counted out and put aside to pay the milkman or takeaway delivery which meant he looked an idiot when he handed over the incorrect amount he was totally out of order. He'd still be out of order being cross with dd in that instance but not with you iyswim.
I hate meanesss more than most character traits. All dc expenses should come out of joint money not your personal spending.

MumsGoneToYonderLand · 21/04/2017 23:03

i have a married friend whose husband will not tell her how much he earns. very odd. and they have been together since uni and my friend has a director level job similar to her husbands.

Since the day DH and I moved in together (20 years ago) we have had only joint accounts. Sometimes I think we should have 2 separate personal accounts where an equal amount is direct debited into each month. just so that when DH buys me an expensive gift I don't think 'I wouldn't have bought something this expensive for myself (with my own money).' He never moans what I spend but sometimes I question what he buys!

When we got engaged he bought me a seriously expensive ring . I had no idea he had been diverting all his wages for 6 months into a ring fund! I didn't even notice!
But living this way, acting like house mates about money, questioning £4, that is an alien concept for me and does not sound healthy. Each to his own but it ain't for me.

wheresthel1ght · 21/04/2017 23:06

DP and I don't have a joint account - my wages go into mine and his (about 5x mine) go into his. He pays his maintenance and all house hold bills. I pay all childcare and most of our child related costs, parties/gifts/xmas etc but if I need anything and have run out of money I have free access to his account either via paypal or by asking for his card. It took me a long time to accept that this was something I could do (and he never said no or begrudged me it was just my pride). It took some posts on here for me to see that the advice I was given was correct and I shouldn't be worried about asking.

OP you need a conversation with him about it and child related costs need to be split or as suggested about you need to work out how much you are spending and reduce the savings accordingly

MrsBB1982 · 21/04/2017 23:11

I never understand the way people who are married have such separate finances.

For a while I earned more than DH and since I've gone part time after kids I earn far less. We put ALL our money into a joint account and spend from that. There's no your money/my money in this household....it's our money....for all four of us.

Surely the whole point of marriage is sharing. For richer and poorer and all that

PeppaIsMyHero · 21/04/2017 23:15

We also have our salaries paid into the joint account, and both take an equal amount of money out each month for ourselves. All bills (including ex-wife maintenance for DH) are paid from the JA.

We are a partnership: we share the cash.

Wineandrosesagain · 21/04/2017 23:19

FFS OP - he's a right tight fisted twat. Why are the DC costs all yours? And as for his treatment of your DD - What sort of dad does that? I wouldn't tolerate this in a million years. Meanness is such a horrible trait.

I rally struggle to understand why so many posters put up with this type of shit.

Voice0fReason · 21/04/2017 23:54

I cannot understand this way of splitting costs. It makes no sense. Family costs are joint, how can it possibly be fair to divide them up and define who pays for what? Split costs between you if you need to have separate money, but split the total costs fairly and proportionately. Savings should be included in costs.

Personally, I don't understand separate finances in families but if you are going to do it, it has to be fair.

Arguments over £4 are absurd.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 22/04/2017 00:01

We share money. And I would have no problem with DH helping himself to 4 quid from my purse, or, even less so from the coin jar as it sounds like was the case here, ESPECIALLY if it were money I owed DD.

I'm really sorry, but I'd be seriously re-evaluating my relationship if DH got furious with me about anything, let alone something so trivial.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 22/04/2017 00:08

We have separate accounts, but we make sure DD is paid for fairly.

If you're paying for the school shoes it implies you're doing the shopping for them. Try saying to him "DC need school shoes, can you take them?" or "Can you take DC to club tonight" (at the beginning of term when the fees need to be paid!). Then you don't have to ask him for the money... it comes from the source!

Biffsboys · 22/04/2017 00:09

All money into a joint account , dh earns 4x my wage . We just spend as we need and discuss big purchases .

Pentapus · 22/04/2017 00:17

There are so many threads like this.

It amazes me that there are so many people out there who apparently commit their lifetime, yet not their cash. How baffling.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2017 00:30

Yes I'm another one here that whilst recognising couples can work their finances differently will never understand arrangements like this...share a bed, share bodily fluids, share a house, share children yes but money??

TroubleinDaFamily · 22/04/2017 00:42

We have a joint account, and I have my own sole account. The reason being that we have always worked on the basis that you should have more than one line of credit, proved when the NatWest system crashed a few years ago. However the point being that my sole account is there solely to pay for my gym membership and and Amazon purchases, everything else gets swept into savings once my account hits £1,000.

He sounds financially abusive.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 22/04/2017 01:02

I am constantly baffled by threads like these, how can finances in a marriage, or any relationship with children be so separate?

I've been a SAHM for ten years, when the DC were younger it was a mutual decision as DH worked away a lot, and as they got older it became apparent that DD had significant additional needs so I haven't been able to work. I did however bring a huge chunk of capital into the marriage as a result of the financial settlement from my first marriage (no children involved).

At NO point has there been any discussion about whose money is whose, it's family money, held over a few accounts that we both have access to, if there's to be a significant purchase we'll discuss it, but that's as far as it goes. In fact 90% of DH's earnings go straight into my current account because I deal with the day to day finances and DH is quite happy to get personal spends, access to accounts for bigger stuff and to know that everything else is running smoothly. So there's a huge level of trust there.

I couldn't live like that OP.

user1492232552 · 22/04/2017 01:02

This happened to me and it didn't and still hasn't ended well. Mine felt perfectly entitled to use his money to book hotel rooms for extra martial and then when it came to the divorce he was able to show that he had made the mortgage, bills etc for 12 years and there was me highlighting boots and marks and spencers which according to his lawyer could have been for "anything". I was really really lucky i got as much as i did.
You do need to sort out joint accounts asap or at least set up a DD for half the mortgage each and the bills too, the bank will be fine with that.

notangelinajolie · 22/04/2017 01:20

Sigh. The whole his money my money thing ... I really don't get it. You are married - why isn't it our money? Why don't you share?

ilovechoc1987 · 22/04/2017 01:32

Wow sorry but your husband is a loser.
It's a shame so many women are put in positions where they have their babies and then have no choice but to work. My partner is proud of the fact he supports his family, even when I have worked.
Of course if women want to work then that's great, but I'm a traditionalist and if the man is the breadwinner then they should be just that, and support their family.
He should be ashamed of himself.

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