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AIBU?

Dh and 'his' money

64 replies

Wornout8 · 21/04/2017 21:32

Our financial situation is that I work part time (25 hours) and Dh is full time, he pays all bills and I pay for the childcare, dc activities and transfer money into our joint savings account each month. We have separate accounts and are left with the same amount each month for ourselves, however I find myself paying for 90% of anything that the dc need, if I need to make a big purchase such as school shoes I ask him for half, he gives me the money albeit grudgingly especially if I ask too often. We've had a huge row tonight as today dd and I took £4 out of 'his' change that he was saving, this is money dd was owed for pocket money and wanted to spend on a shopping trip today, pocket money is the only regular thing dh pays for for the dc at £4 a week, he often 'forgets' to do this and dd has to ask for it. DH was furious that we had taken this money and made dd cry and offer to pay it back and me livid that he had made her feel like that, I'm really cross about the whole situation and annoyed that he is making me out to be unreasonable.

OP posts:

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Voice0fReason · 22/04/2017 10:54

We'll live together, we'll get married, we'll commit to spending the rest of our lives together, we'll have children.... but it's your responsibility to pay for them.

Nope, I still can't get my head around it.
We have never had an argument about money, whether we were earning the same as each other or when he was earning and I was a SAHM. We're in it together.

SpringTown46 · 22/04/2017 09:28

Is the cost of childcare shared? You aren't clear about that.

It sounds like you are paying for the children's needs from your 'share' after other bills. That isn't right or fair.

Thinkingblonde · 22/04/2017 09:14

Expenses for DC I.e. clothing, shoes, uniform, activities, school trips, hair cuts pocket money etc should be shared between you.
If you are having to dip into your 'Spending money' while his is for his own use I'd reduce the amount you contribute to the savings.

bakingaddict · 22/04/2017 09:02

Just put less into the savings each month. Instead of £150 each or whatever you both put in just drop it on your side to £50 a month.

Kobieta · 22/04/2017 08:48

We have a slightly different set up: two joint accounts - his salary goes into one, which he manages, mine goes into the other. So technically it's all shared, but we each manage an account - he earns more than I do because I work PT, so he pays absolutely all the bills, car maintenance, taxes etc etc.
I cover everything for the children and the household: food, holidays, clothes, .... pocket money. Although he pays the allowance to the student DC.
Re presents it tends to be the person who chooses it who pays - he bought DC1 a computer and DC2 an expensive bicycle - he paid.

If we go out for a meal either one of us pays.... or occasionally he can't be bothered to get off his seat so he gives me his CC to pay with.
It works for us - in an emergency [have you thought about how you would cope if your DP went under a bus or was in a coma?] either of us could access all the household cash, but we still have our "own" money as neither looks too closely at the account the other person manages, although the details are just a click of a mouse away.

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2017 08:20

earns obviously.

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2017 08:20

I don't understand 50/50 split bills where one partner ear lns significantly more than the other. We split ours proportionately according to our income and give ourselves a set amount for personal spending (e.g. hobbies, clothes). Everything else comes out of a shared pot - holidays, car maintenance, days out, kids clothing and trips etc.

SomethingBorrowed · 22/04/2017 08:17

I'd tell him that the kids stuff needs to come out of the savings money from now on rather then out of your cash
This.
Simple.

SummerSazz · 22/04/2017 07:47

We have joint accounts to pay joint house/kids expenses plus joint savings and same money 'left over' for us each in our own accounts.

Lots of PP ask why wouldn't couples share all money?

DH will spend ALL his money if there is some showing in his account - he has lots of hobbies and loves books etc. I don't want him to have access to all our money as he'd just spend it! I like to have a buffer built in....

CPtart · 22/04/2017 07:27

DH earns six times what I earn. We have different attitudes to spending. Our salaries go into individual accounts then we each pay a % into a joint account for all household and childcare bills etc. The remainder of our salaries we are free to spend as we wish.
Be very careful, children get massively more expensive as they get older.

DeadGood · 22/04/2017 07:07

If you, in theory, end up with the same amount of spending money, and have a shared savings account - what's the point of keeping everything separately? All this "I'll pay for this, you pay for that, and it'll work it proportionate"? Just pool it and draw from the same pot.

With your current arrangement, it's so easy for things to become muddied, especially as some men can be really unrealistic about how expensive kids are, and have an inflated sense of their own contribution.

He is clearly spending his cash on stuff he doesn't want you to know about, or he is simply a miser to an embarrassing degree.

Sunnyjac · 22/04/2017 07:00

Relationships should be equal, none of this "I work more so should have more money" crap. Any work, out of the house or in it, is an equal contribution that does not link to monetary value. He needs a good talking to!

LonginesPrime · 22/04/2017 04:32

If you divorce him you will have a lot more money and lose an abusive man child so win win

I wholeheartedly second this.

dingodon · 22/04/2017 03:44

If you divorce him you will have a lot more money and lose an abusive man child so win win

ilovechoc1987 · 22/04/2017 01:32

Wow sorry but your husband is a loser.
It's a shame so many women are put in positions where they have their babies and then have no choice but to work. My partner is proud of the fact he supports his family, even when I have worked.
Of course if women want to work then that's great, but I'm a traditionalist and if the man is the breadwinner then they should be just that, and support their family.
He should be ashamed of himself.

notangelinajolie · 22/04/2017 01:20

Sigh. The whole his money my money thing ... I really don't get it. You are married - why isn't it our money? Why don't you share?

user1492232552 · 22/04/2017 01:02

This happened to me and it didn't and still hasn't ended well. Mine felt perfectly entitled to use his money to book hotel rooms for extra martial and then when it came to the divorce he was able to show that he had made the mortgage, bills etc for 12 years and there was me highlighting boots and marks and spencers which according to his lawyer could have been for "anything". I was really really lucky i got as much as i did.
You do need to sort out joint accounts asap or at least set up a DD for half the mortgage each and the bills too, the bank will be fine with that.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 22/04/2017 01:02

I am constantly baffled by threads like these, how can finances in a marriage, or any relationship with children be so separate?

I've been a SAHM for ten years, when the DC were younger it was a mutual decision as DH worked away a lot, and as they got older it became apparent that DD had significant additional needs so I haven't been able to work. I did however bring a huge chunk of capital into the marriage as a result of the financial settlement from my first marriage (no children involved).

At NO point has there been any discussion about whose money is whose, it's family money, held over a few accounts that we both have access to, if there's to be a significant purchase we'll discuss it, but that's as far as it goes. In fact 90% of DH's earnings go straight into my current account because I deal with the day to day finances and DH is quite happy to get personal spends, access to accounts for bigger stuff and to know that everything else is running smoothly. So there's a huge level of trust there.

I couldn't live like that OP.

TroubleinDaFamily · 22/04/2017 00:42

We have a joint account, and I have my own sole account. The reason being that we have always worked on the basis that you should have more than one line of credit, proved when the NatWest system crashed a few years ago. However the point being that my sole account is there solely to pay for my gym membership and and Amazon purchases, everything else gets swept into savings once my account hits £1,000.

He sounds financially abusive.

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2017 00:30

Yes I'm another one here that whilst recognising couples can work their finances differently will never understand arrangements like this...share a bed, share bodily fluids, share a house, share children yes but money??

Pentapus · 22/04/2017 00:17

There are so many threads like this.

It amazes me that there are so many people out there who apparently commit their lifetime, yet not their cash. How baffling.

Biffsboys · 22/04/2017 00:09

All money into a joint account , dh earns 4x my wage . We just spend as we need and discuss big purchases .

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chastenedButStillSmiling · 22/04/2017 00:08

We have separate accounts, but we make sure DD is paid for fairly.

If you're paying for the school shoes it implies you're doing the shopping for them. Try saying to him "DC need school shoes, can you take them?" or "Can you take DC to club tonight" (at the beginning of term when the fees need to be paid!). Then you don't have to ask him for the money... it comes from the source!

PopGoesTheWeaz · 22/04/2017 00:01

We share money. And I would have no problem with DH helping himself to 4 quid from my purse, or, even less so from the coin jar as it sounds like was the case here, ESPECIALLY if it were money I owed DD.

I'm really sorry, but I'd be seriously re-evaluating my relationship if DH got furious with me about anything, let alone something so trivial.

Voice0fReason · 21/04/2017 23:54

I cannot understand this way of splitting costs. It makes no sense. Family costs are joint, how can it possibly be fair to divide them up and define who pays for what? Split costs between you if you need to have separate money, but split the total costs fairly and proportionately. Savings should be included in costs.

Personally, I don't understand separate finances in families but if you are going to do it, it has to be fair.

Arguments over £4 are absurd.

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