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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Friend only wants me for my son?

91 replies

HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 09:53

Long time friend, 9 years+. Met at Uni and have been close since. I only have a few friends where as she has lots and spreads herself thin. Recently our contact has reduced a lot due to work pressures and as mentioned above spreading herself thinly and making too many plans.

I haven't seen her in person for 3 months and she hasn't joined in on the group message for about a month. But we are all busy so this isn't out of the norm. She did cancel plans we had about 3 weeks ago by text for work reasons and didn't respond to requests to rearrange so I just left it to her to make contact.

She loves children, in particular my DS (4) and occasionally takes him out for the day. She is single and childless and DS looks a lot like her and has said before that she loves it when people call her his mum.

So today I have a text from an unknown number asking to take DS out for lunch. I know it is her from the style of text. It just said "is DS available for a lunch date tomorrow? Xx" I replied asking if it was her and why the number was different and she confirmed she changed it but didn't give an explanation why she hadn't given it to me.

Now I'm at a loss. She was a very good friend and loves DS, and he loves her. But it feels as if she is only in contact for my son. I'm working tomorrow and she knows this so it would be only seeing him. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but on the other hand I don't want to lose the friendship as we used to be close.

How would you respond?

OP posts:

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 21/04/2017 11:14

Oops cross post, your second message is much better.

user1492769514 · 21/04/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dencar · 21/04/2017 11:25

I agree with

Horse, I think you're going to ruin the friendship with that message. Sunset's is better
Some and don't really think through how things come across. There's a good chance she just had some free time, thought of your DS and suggested taking him out. It's fine for you to be uncomfortable with that but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I agree with Level because I am absolutely crap at keeping in touch with people. Things happen in life & we don't get to update people as often as perhaps we should or even want to.

Your new message is much better than the first. The first is needy, tough and just wipes her off without any idea of what's happening for her.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 21/04/2017 11:25

Reported the ridiculous spam message.

ClopySow · 21/04/2017 11:25

Me too. What a fanny.

pictish · 21/04/2017 11:28

She'll say "Sorry, only just got it." and there's nowt you can say to that.
So I'd eliminate the bit about the new number.

babybubblescomingsoon · 21/04/2017 11:31

Will be interesting to see how she acts around you if you do actually meet her at some point... you seem better off though op

metalmum15 · 21/04/2017 11:34

OP with regards to her not responding to messenger group messages, I have a couple of friends who never respond to them, even though they have quite clearly read them. I just put it down to laziness and ignorance. Maybe your friend is the same?

metalmum15 · 21/04/2017 11:34

M0nica · 21/04/2017 11:35

You can't be friends with a child and not their parent really odd. Id just ignore it

Original poster

HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 11:36

Message sent. And now we wait for a reply.
She won't reply, she goes weeks without replying. I'm so sad.

OP posts:

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 11:41

she goes weeks without replying

She'd be an acquaintance of mine at that rate.

SecretNortherner · 21/04/2017 11:45

She likes it when people mistake your ds for her ds? That's incredibly odd! If your at work just say you've arranged childcare for ds and it's impolite to cancel at such late notice but your free on x date and would love to go out for food.

shellhider · 21/04/2017 11:45

I think that her behaviour is very odd, but that's probably because I'm reading [[www.amazon.co.uk/Emmas-Baby-Abbie-Taylor-ebook/dp/B0031RS7RW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492771478&sr=8-1&keywords=emma%27s+bab&tag=mumsnetforum-21y]] at the moment

shellhider · 21/04/2017 11:45

link fail, sorry

www.amazon.co.uk/Emmas-Baby-Abbie-Taylor-ebook/dp/B0031RS7RW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492771478&sr=8-1&keywords=emma%27s+baby&tag=mumsnetforum-21

shellhider · 21/04/2017 11:46

bloody hell, I give up.
It's a book OK?!

ohfourfoxache · 21/04/2017 11:48

Not sure I'd trust her around DS ever again

Floggingmolly · 21/04/2017 11:56

Why would she change her number, as if you'd be more inclined to send your ds off with a complete random than her!??

CrochetBelle · 21/04/2017 12:00

I think the text you've sent is good.

I've reported your message for you, hopefully MN will get it deleted as it's been up 45 minutes so far!

BigGrannyPants · 21/04/2017 12:05

OP ditch this person, I know you don't like to lose friends, but you have to change your mindset, she is not your friend. Worse than that, she's using you to get close to your DC.. that's just disturbing. My friends like my kids, but when we make plans, it's for all of us to meet up. Her behaviour is odd and concerning and she is a total bitch to you. She has treated you terribly, which you know, I think you're in denial

XsaraHale · 21/04/2017 12:14

Could this in any way be a 'breaking ice'/ carrying on as normal thing, as she feels guilty for not spending time with you?
If there has not been the common decency of a prior text with new number, maybe even a 'we can meet up at later date but miss your DC'...then no, YANBU.

Maybe saying what pp have suggested either a no/not work for us...will make friend reevaluate her behaviour...maybe!

Wedrine4me · 21/04/2017 12:25

Awaiting the reply.
She wanted him soon so if a reply doesn't come before then, then ditch her completely as she would obviously communicate with you immediately to finalise plans if you'd said yes.

It doesn't sound good TBH.I know its hard to let go of hope but her actions don't really reflect any interest in your friendship do they?

charlestonchaplin · 21/04/2017 12:41

This woman has behaved poorly in a number of ways but it is really sad how suspiciously she is being viewed because she is pleased that someone (mistakenly) believes she is a mother. She would probably be pleased to mistaken for anyone's mother. It is unlikely to be specific to OP's child.

Why did many of you choose to become mothers? Some at least made a conscious decision, believing it to be something that would enhance their lives. She just wants to experience a tiny bit of that and she is being viewed as some sort of child manipulator/stealer. An extra blow for women who desperately want to be mothers but are unlikely to be.

YrHenGi · 21/04/2017 12:47

This friend obviously isn't giving the best impression of herself but I feel rather sorry for her - when you're busy with work, it's easy for the weeks to turn into months between seeing friends. She cancelled one plan and didn't rearrange it, possibly because she couldn't commit to a future date at that point, and now she is getting in touch, three weeks later, you're all but writing off the entire friendship and PP are suggesting she can't be trusted with your son and that she's using him as 'bait' for blokes?!

When I want to see my friend with her toddler, I usually joke about whether 'he's' free, since his social life is positively packed, compared with ours. It's a given that she'll be coming along too. Are you absolutely sure she was excluding you from the meet-up?

Can't you phone her and talk to her in real life for a catch up, instead of pinging texts back and forth - this really does sound like one of those situations that spirals out of control thanks to ambiguous text tone. If she then says she wants to take your son out alone, it's much easier for you to say, 'No, I'd rather we all meet up together' - and it's harder for her to say, 'Actually, I'm not interested in meeting you, just your child' - if that's what she's thinking.

OstrichRunning · 21/04/2017 12:50

The message you sent was good - cool and strong and collected - way better than the previous version.

OP, I know how hurtful it can be to lose a friend and I know this sounds a cliche but there are new friends out there to be made. It can be hard, especially with dc, but can you join a group or something? Put your energy into meeting new people instead of trying to change your relationship with this woman back to what it once was. Maybe in time things will get better there but it sounds like for now anyway, she's being selfish and careless of your feelings and you deserve better than that.

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