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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Friend only wants me for my son?

91 replies

HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 09:53

Long time friend, 9 years+. Met at Uni and have been close since. I only have a few friends where as she has lots and spreads herself thin. Recently our contact has reduced a lot due to work pressures and as mentioned above spreading herself thinly and making too many plans.

I haven't seen her in person for 3 months and she hasn't joined in on the group message for about a month. But we are all busy so this isn't out of the norm. She did cancel plans we had about 3 weeks ago by text for work reasons and didn't respond to requests to rearrange so I just left it to her to make contact.

She loves children, in particular my DS (4) and occasionally takes him out for the day. She is single and childless and DS looks a lot like her and has said before that she loves it when people call her his mum.

So today I have a text from an unknown number asking to take DS out for lunch. I know it is her from the style of text. It just said "is DS available for a lunch date tomorrow? Xx" I replied asking if it was her and why the number was different and she confirmed she changed it but didn't give an explanation why she hadn't given it to me.

Now I'm at a loss. She was a very good friend and loves DS, and he loves her. But it feels as if she is only in contact for my son. I'm working tomorrow and she knows this so it would be only seeing him. I feel a bit uncomfortable with it but on the other hand I don't want to lose the friendship as we used to be close.

How would you respond?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/04/2017 10:29

I'd probably try a softer approach and say 'Tomorrow's no good but it would be nice for us both to meet up with you soon'. She may think she's doing you a favour or have got a bit carried away with playing mum. If she keeps refusing all options to meet you as well, you know it's a friendship to drop.

pictish · 21/04/2017 10:31

Love Clem's but would send Sunset's.

In this situation I would always be cool and detached rather than wear my heart on my sleeve...but that's a pride issue owing to having been hurt by friends in the past. I wouldn't let anyone know that they had the power to wound me. I'm a bit fucked up that way.

Clem's message is honest but leaves you open. I'm hurt and angry!

Sunset's message conveys an element of calm control. We are not at your disposal and your shiteness has been noted.

Your response depends on who you are. I'm a Sunset.

Timeforteaplease · 21/04/2017 10:34

Sunset's text is perfect.

Cagliostro · 21/04/2017 10:35

"I don't think DS would feel comfortable going out with you when he hasn't seen you for a while."

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/04/2017 10:37

If you feel even slightly uncomfortable, then don't let her.
She may like people mistaking her, for his Mum, but it appears that there isn't really much of a friendship there.
Either agree a date, whereby you all meet, or not at all.
Your DS hasn't seen her for ages, he'll be fine with his Daddy.

Original poster
HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 10:45

Ok so I have drafted a message, a mix of the above suggestions....

I'm sorry but I feel a little uncomfortable with the idea.
You changed your number and didn't let me know, you hardly ever reply to the messenger thread and I haven't seen you for months because you cancel plans.
I know you are going through some stuff and are extremely busy with work but you can not just borrow DS like you would a pair of shoes. At the moment he barely knows you.
I'm happy to meet you with him some other time and I will keep suggesting dates we are both free, it is up to you if you want to.
Xx

Gwen group message is on Facebook messenger, she reads but doesn't respond Sad

cornettoninja I also work full time, just two of those days are weekend days. I'm also on my arse with tiredness but still try and make an effort suggesting evening meetings and the odd day when we are free.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 21/04/2017 10:48

Take out the "i'm sorry"

What have you got to be sorry for?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/04/2017 10:50

I like that message, you've let her know you're not a walkover but kept the door open for the friendship.

haveacupoftea · 21/04/2017 10:50

It's a bit Single White Female isn't it Confused

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/04/2017 10:51

Yes delete the sorry bit.

pictish · 21/04/2017 10:52

Honestly? Too needy and subservient for me. I wouldn't tell her I'd keep suggesting dates that she can bother with or not. Sorry if that's blunt.

Level75 · 21/04/2017 10:53

Horse, I think you're going to ruin the friendship with that message. Sunset's is better.
Some people are just crap at keeping in touch and don't really think through how things come across. There's a good chance she just had some free time, thought of your DS and suggested taking him out. It's fine for you to be uncomfortable with that but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

pictish · 21/04/2017 10:55

Agree to go with Sunset's message. It's perfect.

PeaFaceMcgee · 21/04/2017 10:56

Stop trying to buy her friendship with your son. She doesn't care about you. Do NOT let her know that you're hurting.

A simple "that doesn't work for us" will suffice.

I really recommend you invest your energies in making better friends tbh. This one ain't good.

puddingpen · 21/04/2017 10:57

I agree with PP - there might be no coming back from that message. It sounds a bit weird I agree, but if you work weekends and she works all week then maybe it is hard for her to meet up with you. Maybe she is trying to continue the friendship by making sure your son has nice outings etc. (i.e. trying to help). I think you should try and establish this first before you burn all your bridges.

brassbrass · 21/04/2017 10:59

To my mind there's no room for her to come back to that message with anything other than being defensive and possibly retreat even further.

You know her better though and how she will take it.

hollyisalovelyname · 21/04/2017 11:00

Take out the 'I'm sorry'
Otherwise it's a great reply.

contrary13 · 21/04/2017 11:03

Y'know, I have taken my friends children off their hands for a few hours, here and there, to give my friends a slight respite... and not once has anyone referred to me as being their mum. Even though some of them look like me (same colouring) and mostly behave as they would do if they were with their parents (because they've known me their whole lives). The fact that your "friend" is bragging about being called your son's "mum"... to you... well, that's just... let me think of the right word... oh. Yes. Got it.

Creepy.

I'd hazard a guess that she is telling people that she is your son's mum. That she isn't just treating him to an afternoon out (and you to an afternoon of peace), but that she is actively pretending to be you. And I don't just mean nagging him to put his shoes back on, or wiping chocolate from around his mouth/off his forehead. I mean being mum. Referring to herself as his mum. Your poor son must be horribly confused if that's happening... and he might not tell you about it. He might simply be turning it over in his own mind and letting it fester (my own DS went through something similar with his stepmother when he was not much older than your son is, and he was too worried about upsetting me to tell me what had happened until it all boiled over in his own mind and came out in a torrent of fear one night when I'd asked him if he'd had a nice afternoon with his Daddy... months later).

If your "friend" cannot be bothered to be your friend, then she cannot expect to be able to spend time with your child/ren. That's not friendship. That's bordering on downright creepy, I'm afraid.

As Sugarpie said, if you have any doubts at all, then don't agree to it. Your son will be perfectly happy/content with not spending any time with her - and if I'm right, then he might be a lot happier if she never re-enters his sphere at all. Just make sure that your little one knows, without any doubt, that you are his mummy and not your creepy friend who has probably been introducing herself to random people as such!

pictish · 21/04/2017 11:11

I don't know that she's not a 'good' friend but I think it's apparent that OP is more focused on the friendship than her friend is.
Some friends are just to enjoy as and when. They are nice-to-knows. I think that's how OP's friend sees OP and how OP should regard her friend.

eddielizzard · 21/04/2017 11:11

" sorry we're busy"

i wouldn't be happy with this

Original poster
HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 11:11

Ok noted. I changed it to sunsets with an added.

I'm happy for us all to meet up soon if you want to suggest some dates.
I'm a bit surprised you didn't let me know you had a new number.*

She is very blonde and fair with blue eyes. DS is very blonde and fair with blue eyes. I am olive skinned, black hair and dark brown eyes... no one in public would assume I'm his mother over her.

OP posts:
PaulDacresFeministConscience · 21/04/2017 11:12

Take out the "I'm sorry" - otherwise it's a great reply.

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 21/04/2017 11:13

I think Sunset has got it just right with the reply and you'll be able to gauge the state of your friendship by her reply or lack of.
Tbh honest if you sent me the bit about about treating you son like a pair of shoes I'd be majorly pissed off especially if you hadn't told me /her that I'd upset you.
I think your message while definitely getting your point across is a bit accusatory and stroppy.

Original poster
HorseDentist · 21/04/2017 11:14

Shit added names... have reported. Please mumsnet towers respond!

Should have put

  • DS and EX already have plans tomorrow. I'm happy for us all to meet up soon if you want to suggest some dates. I'm a bit surprised you didn't let me know you had a new number. *
OP posts:
MickeyRooney · 21/04/2017 11:14

Is she using your son as bait to help her meet guys?

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