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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not care that he's a 'different man now' (triggers sexual assault)

64 replies

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 01:42

So when I was 14/15, on and off until I was 17, I was dating this awful guy. He hit me fairly frequently, and once attacked me at our school gates. I finally managed to steel myself to end things when he raped me (not violent, blackmail, so I was told it wasn't actually rape, so I'm super sorry if that's the wrong word to use, but I was seriously coerced).
Cut to 7 years later, he's just tried to add me on Facebook. I've been married for two years, and had been working hard on dealing with my past, the abuse from this boy being part of it.
I thought he was blocked, but apparently not, and he messaged me explaining that we should put the past behind us, that no one was to blame for what happened (this is thematic of him, he always says it was my fault too because I 'teased' or I 'made' him angry). He says he's grown up and engaged and is different now.
AIBU to not give a flying fuck that he's different? Even if he is, I still get the final say on who is in my life right?
Sorry for typos/formatting, I'm on mobile.

OP posts:

Chavelita · 21/04/2017 09:03

He's obviously not 'different' -- what he's doing is still trying to coerce you into agreeing that he wasn't an abusive, violent partner and a rapist. The pattern of coercive behaviour continues. It's outrageous that people around you are trying to minimise this because it didn't happen last week, but not uncommon, sadly. You should feel absolutely justified in not agreeing that's he's all lovely and reformed now because some people who didn't suffer the consequences of his behaviour think so.

FloatyCat · 21/04/2017 09:29

Do not engage with him at all on any level. It will be detrimental to your mental health.

nachogazpacho · 21/04/2017 09:41

He's still harassing you which clearly shows he is still the same. If he respected you at all he would leave you well alone.

Just some Facebook advice (that you didn't ask for...Sorry) if you're a teacher I would use your first name and middle name rather than surname so that people can't search for you or tag you randomly. Might not have helped you avoid this keen harasser but it would give them one more hoop to jump.

ChristmasFluff · 21/04/2017 10:18

That 'no-one was to blame' shows that he hasn't changed, otherwise he would be taking full responsibility. His contacting others around you when you have refused contact shows he hasn't changed, otherwise he would be respecting your decision. Trust yourself. Even if one day he did change (and he won't), you still owe him nothing, not even a further moment of your time. If he ever did really change, he would accept that.

Original poster

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 12:14

Thank you so much everyone.
Small update, his fiancée has just messaged me, and said he's devastated, he's worked so hard to recover from that part of his life, and that it'd really help his mental health if I became friends with him.
I don't know what, if anything to reply.
And thank you for the advice, I think I will change my name on Facebook

OP posts:

EnidColeslaw771 · 21/04/2017 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2017 12:21

I would write back to his girlfriend saying, "He should have served a prison sentence for the rape and physical attacks on me. If he doesn't stop contacting me I will contact the police and report everything."

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 12:21

Small update, his fiancée has just messaged me, and said he's devastated, he's worked so hard to recover from that part of his life, and that it'd really help his mental health if I became friends with him.

Good news, OP. I've just managed to hire the Hubble Space Telescope, and with that and a highly skilled NASA crew, I have managed to locate a violin of appropriate size to sing this tale of woe.

In other news, fuck him, fuck her, and anyone unfortunate enough to look like him and her.

FrizzBombDelight · 21/04/2017 12:21

Unbelievable! Ignore her too!

Lasthurrah · 21/04/2017 12:25

Jesus christ what a controlling prick.

'I have also worked hard to recover from him, he was abusive and violent. We will never be 'friends' and if there is further contact I will be making a police report.'

Chavelita · 21/04/2017 12:27

The fiancée is behaving outrageously. Your role in life is not to enable him to let himself off the hook for his past behaviour. And of course she has a vested interest in you agreeing that 'no one was to blame' -- she doesn't like the idea that she's engaged to someone that at least one person still considers a rapist and a violent abuser. You're blocking her ability to feel good about her choice of partner, and she's prepared to pressure you out of purely selfish reasons. Block and ignore.

The best and only way not have someone consider you an abuser and rapist is, of course, not raping and abusing anyone.

GeekLove · 21/04/2017 12:27

You're not his frigging therapist! More that he cannot man up and face the consequences of his own behaviour.

Reminds me of the time I dumped my BF at high school when he stopped washing and moaned ALL the time about my GSCE results. They said I should've gone back out with him 'cause I was 'good for him'?

Like my need weren't important.

Send her the message that any further contact will be treated as harassment, tell her that this recent contact has been logged and block her too.

Chavelita · 21/04/2017 12:28

And this, obviously.

Good news, OP. I've just managed to hire the Hubble Space Telescope, and with that and a highly skilled NASA crew, I have managed to locate a violin of appropriate size to sing this tale of woe.

LagunaBubbles · 21/04/2017 12:33

if there is further contact I will be making a police report

This.

Original poster

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 12:33

I'll have to ask NASA for that violin. I can't imagine it would cost much to post to him!!
I just don't understand any of them. I'm ASD so people are reasonably confusing anyway but this takes the MN right?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 12:38

The violin took some finding, I can tell you. However, even with the Hubble Space Telescope and a crack squad of NASA scientists, we still couldn't find this prick's conscience or human worth.

mumofthemonsters808 · 21/04/2017 12:41

This experience must be horrendous for you, it's bad enough hearing from him, but then for his OH to pop up must be terrible. They both want you to make his life easier and would be delighted by a response which assures them everything's forgotten. In this life, some things are too terrible to be forgotten, so let him chase his demons whilst his OH panders to the notion that he is a changed man.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't let your mind slip back through the years, you are a happy, successful woman despite what he' did and you will continue to prosper.

RhodaBorrocks · 21/04/2017 12:42

I believe you OP.

He's not changed and you have dealt with this brilliantly. Block the fiancee and take the advice that PP have offered on board. I can't add anything else except that I think you are amazing, strong and courageous.

humblesims · 21/04/2017 12:53

Block her and block him. Dont engage. If he/they persist then report them to the police. Maybe do that anyway just so that it has been noted that they are harassing you. Massive well done to you for getting your life on a good track, it must have been very difficult for you. Dont let those shitbags drag you down.

confuugled1 · 21/04/2017 12:54

I think I might be tempted to write out a reply. Probably not to send it but to get it out of my system.

I don't know who told you that because you were coerced rather than forced it means that it wasn't rape but I think you've been misled - whether it's brute force or coercion to make you have sex when you don't want to, then that's rape.

Added to that there's the blackmail, the sustained abuse, the coercion and I'm betting there's more...

I'd be very tempted to send something back along the lines of:

He raped me.

He coerced me.
He blackmailed me.
He hit me. Repeatedly.
He gaslighted me.
He only ever thought of himself.
He never took responsibility for anything.

He is still not taking responsibility for anything.
He harrassed me.
He is now harrassing me by using you to harrass me.

I have worked very hard to try recover from that part of my life. It would significantly harm my mental health to make friends with the person that raped and abused me. He has never shown any understanding of his evil actions or remorse for them.

Any further contact from either of you will be reported to the police for harassment.

... part of me would hope that he would then be stupid enough to apologise so that I then had the evidence to go to the police when I returned to the UK. Most of me would hope that I never heard from either of them again. part of me would also be tempted to post something on his and her walls along the lines of 'You raped me. Why the fuck do you think I want to be friends with you/your girlfriend?'

But while it's useful to think about doing things like that, it's best to leave it as thoughts and ignore them.

for you - for being so brave going through this, getting away from him and getting on with your life.

Obsidian77 · 21/04/2017 13:00

He hasn't changed. He may have pulled the wool over his fiancee's eyes for now but you owe him nothing.
Block and ignore the pair of them. Their behaviour is bullying and manipulative.
Be proud of the strength you have found in yourself and how hard you have worked to overcome the abuse you have suffered.

dustmotesinthesun · 21/04/2017 13:10

Honestly OP I don't have ASD and I don't understand people like this.

I guess it's so much easier to be a victim and to feel hard done by than to own up to being an abuser and feel the guilt that would come with that.

You owe these people nothing. My abusive ex crops up every once in a while. I had blocked him but unblocked him because I wanted to monitor how often he was attempting to contact me. He just sent me a breezy e-mail 4 months after informing him I'd contact the police if he was in touch again, because he was harassing me. In his mind, I'm going to come to my senses, agree to meet up and live happily ever after with him. It's very upsetting but I find threatening to go to the police worked wonders (or at least it has done for the last 4 months)

for you. It sounds like you've come through a lot. This man has no right to take any of your hard won peace

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 13:19

Oh I absolutely understand people like this. They haven't got the courage or decency to make a genuine change in themselves (which might include a very humble request for forgiveness from their victims, and a respectful backing off if this is not granted) and they can't stand the idea that there might be someone out there who's not buying into the new identity and narrative they have carefully constructed around themselves.

So instead of said humble apology, they try to spin it in such a way that the person they wronged is, guess what, still the bad guy. They won't let go of the past. They are responsible for the abuser's mental health. Whereas, of course, if the abuser really were the person they were pretending to be, they would understand that their victims owe them nothing.

I understand it completely, and it's cowardly and shitty.

GeekLove · 21/04/2017 13:23

I think you are awesome - particularly since you don't need the support of your parents. You own him and them nothing.

GeekLove · 21/04/2017 13:25

He reminds me of Mark Wahlberg's ID of 'I'm not a big racist honest' image.

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