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AIBU?

To not care that he's a 'different man now' (triggers sexual assault)

64 replies

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 01:42

So when I was 14/15, on and off until I was 17, I was dating this awful guy. He hit me fairly frequently, and once attacked me at our school gates. I finally managed to steel myself to end things when he raped me (not violent, blackmail, so I was told it wasn't actually rape, so I'm super sorry if that's the wrong word to use, but I was seriously coerced).
Cut to 7 years later, he's just tried to add me on Facebook. I've been married for two years, and had been working hard on dealing with my past, the abuse from this boy being part of it.
I thought he was blocked, but apparently not, and he messaged me explaining that we should put the past behind us, that no one was to blame for what happened (this is thematic of him, he always says it was my fault too because I 'teased' or I 'made' him angry). He says he's grown up and engaged and is different now.
AIBU to not give a flying fuck that he's different? Even if he is, I still get the final say on who is in my life right?
Sorry for typos/formatting, I'm on mobile.

OP posts:

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MrsTwix · 21/04/2017 17:51

Well done, you've handled a very difficult situation so well.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 17:46

I wonder if his fiance knows he's still making claims on his ex.

You handled it perfectly, OP. Now dump the pair of them like the load of shit that they are and stride on ahead with your promising life. Godspeed.

AristotlesTrousers · 21/04/2017 17:21

Well done The KrakenSmith, you're a star.

So sorry you encountered such a cunt. I have a similar person in my past (although we were never in a relationship). He even had the cheek to go to our school reunion last year and trades on being a 'nice guy'. These people are the scum of the earth.

Just make sure to look after your own wellbeing and leave him to fester in his own guilt.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2017 16:11

How arrogant of him. Typical abuser behaviour, he's not changed one bit. If he had he would leave you well alone, or apologise. He's been asking about you through your friend. Nasty man.

Florida28 · 21/04/2017 16:04

Are u sure it was his fiancé who sent u that message? No possibility of it being him? Anyway u've blocked both. Well done you I hope he is crippled with guilt and both u and ur husband have a fantastic future without that freak bothering u

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 15:53

They seem to have given up bar a message to my friend that 'She's more mine (abusive wanker) than she'll ever be yours (my friend)'.
Does that make anyone kinda squicky? Like there's some dude, miles away from me, that still somehow sees me as his property?? What even. My friend has blocked him now, as has my husband, pre-emptively. Thank you for all the support, it feels amazing to be validated.

OP posts:

ItsCakeTime · 21/04/2017 15:10

@TheKrakenSmith that is the prefect reply

NavyandWhite · 21/04/2017 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confuugled1 · 21/04/2017 14:18

Fantastic reply OP. Here's hoping it shuts them both down completely.

SmileEachDay · 21/04/2017 13:51

Great reply TheKraken - you've efficiently and honestly closed that down.

Do something particularly nice for yourself today.

FloweringDeranger · 21/04/2017 13:47

You are doing magnificently, not just ok!

Crazycatladyloz82 · 21/04/2017 13:44

If the cockhead had of got in touch to beg and plead for your forgiveness and owned up to his behaviour maybe it would be a different conversation. As the survivor of an abusive childhood I can assure you silence hurts far more than words. Ignore dickface and his unfortunate fiance who is probably his latest punch bag and under his spell. x

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 13:44

I'm feeling much better now. I replied saying,
your fiancé is a rapist. He attacked me and blackmailed and threatened my well being and sometimes my life for three years. I am not here to help his guilt, if he feels any. He has not told you the truth, because I don't think he understands the truth. If you continue this relationship, understand you are doing so with a rapist. If you find any other way of contacting me I will be instructing a solicitor.

The solicitor bit is true, actually, because I have several friends who could do that for me, I believe he knows this and I'm sure someone could knock out a scary looking letter for me.
Thank you for the words of support, it means the world. I feel like I'm doing OK for my age, I just want to draw a line over my childhood and make the best of now.

OP posts:

FloweringDeranger · 21/04/2017 13:35

He can't take the violence in your past away, and saying that "it was no one's fault" doesn't even try to cut it. Block, ignore, anyone who thinks his violence was perfectly excusable is no friend to you and should be similarly blocked and ignored.

GeekLove · 21/04/2017 13:25

He reminds me of Mark Wahlberg's ID of 'I'm not a big racist honest' image.

GeekLove · 21/04/2017 13:23

I think you are awesome - particularly since you don't need the support of your parents. You own him and them nothing.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 13:19

Oh I absolutely understand people like this. They haven't got the courage or decency to make a genuine change in themselves (which might include a very humble request for forgiveness from their victims, and a respectful backing off if this is not granted) and they can't stand the idea that there might be someone out there who's not buying into the new identity and narrative they have carefully constructed around themselves.

So instead of said humble apology, they try to spin it in such a way that the person they wronged is, guess what, still the bad guy. They won't let go of the past. They are responsible for the abuser's mental health. Whereas, of course, if the abuser really were the person they were pretending to be, they would understand that their victims owe them nothing.

I understand it completely, and it's cowardly and shitty.

dustmotesinthesun · 21/04/2017 13:10

Honestly OP I don't have ASD and I don't understand people like this.

I guess it's so much easier to be a victim and to feel hard done by than to own up to being an abuser and feel the guilt that would come with that.

You owe these people nothing. My abusive ex crops up every once in a while. I had blocked him but unblocked him because I wanted to monitor how often he was attempting to contact me. He just sent me a breezy e-mail 4 months after informing him I'd contact the police if he was in touch again, because he was harassing me. In his mind, I'm going to come to my senses, agree to meet up and live happily ever after with him. It's very upsetting but I find threatening to go to the police worked wonders (or at least it has done for the last 4 months)

for you. It sounds like you've come through a lot. This man has no right to take any of your hard won peace

Obsidian77 · 21/04/2017 13:00

He hasn't changed. He may have pulled the wool over his fiancee's eyes for now but you owe him nothing.
Block and ignore the pair of them. Their behaviour is bullying and manipulative.
Be proud of the strength you have found in yourself and how hard you have worked to overcome the abuse you have suffered.

confuugled1 · 21/04/2017 12:54

I think I might be tempted to write out a reply. Probably not to send it but to get it out of my system.

I don't know who told you that because you were coerced rather than forced it means that it wasn't rape but I think you've been misled - whether it's brute force or coercion to make you have sex when you don't want to, then that's rape.

Added to that there's the blackmail, the sustained abuse, the coercion and I'm betting there's more...

I'd be very tempted to send something back along the lines of:

He raped me.
He coerced me.
He blackmailed me.
He hit me. Repeatedly.
He gaslighted me.
He only ever thought of himself.
He never took responsibility for anything.
He is still not taking responsibility for anything.
He harrassed me.
He is now harrassing me by using you to harrass me.

I have worked very hard to try recover from that part of my life. It would significantly harm my mental health to make friends with the person that raped and abused me. He has never shown any understanding of his evil actions or remorse for them.

Any further contact from either of you will be reported to the police for harassment.

... part of me would hope that he would then be stupid enough to apologise so that I then had the evidence to go to the police when I returned to the UK. Most of me would hope that I never heard from either of them again. part of me would also be tempted to post something on his and her walls along the lines of 'You raped me. Why the fuck do you think I want to be friends with you/your girlfriend?'

But while it's useful to think about doing things like that, it's best to leave it as thoughts and ignore them.

for you - for being so brave going through this, getting away from him and getting on with your life.

humblesims · 21/04/2017 12:53

Block her and block him. Dont engage. If he/they persist then report them to the police. Maybe do that anyway just so that it has been noted that they are harassing you. Massive well done to you for getting your life on a good track, it must have been very difficult for you. Dont let those shitbags drag you down.

RhodaBorrocks · 21/04/2017 12:42

I believe you OP.

He's not changed and you have dealt with this brilliantly. Block the fiancee and take the advice that PP have offered on board. I can't add anything else except that I think you are amazing, strong and courageous.

mumofthemonsters808 · 21/04/2017 12:41

This experience must be horrendous for you, it's bad enough hearing from him, but then for his OH to pop up must be terrible. They both want you to make his life easier and would be delighted by a response which assures them everything's forgotten. In this life, some things are too terrible to be forgotten, so let him chase his demons whilst his OH panders to the notion that he is a changed man.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't let your mind slip back through the years, you are a happy, successful woman despite what he' did and you will continue to prosper.

PoorYorick · 21/04/2017 12:38

The violin took some finding, I can tell you. However, even with the Hubble Space Telescope and a crack squad of NASA scientists, we still couldn't find this prick's conscience or human worth.

TheKrakenSmith · 21/04/2017 12:33

I'll have to ask NASA for that violin. I can't imagine it would cost much to post to him!!
I just don't understand any of them. I'm ASD so people are reasonably confusing anyway but this takes the MN right?

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