to consider home educating my DD because she's happier during school holidays?

[Hoptastic53]

My DD is 6 and in year one. She's been under a paediatrician for two years as I think, and her nursery thought, that she has autism. I thought sending her to school would aid diagnosis and get her some support but there's been no progress. Any problems in the first year were attributed to settling in. Then this year to a new class, then to her teacher changed, then her paediatrician was ill on the day of her last appointment so we saw a different one who then wanted to leave it six months for a review. It's taking forever, and in the meantime DD is unhappy and I hate to see her this way.

The difference in her during the almost three weeks of Easter holidays has really made me think that I should just home educate her. During the holidays, she'd get herself up and dressed. She'd go to the toilet by herself, ask for particular hairstyles, be polite and much more chatty than usual, she ate a lot better than usual and slept through at least half of the nights. There were probably only 3/4 meltdowns over the entire holidays.

Fast forward to this week and it couldn't be more different. I start trying to get her up at 7.30. I wake her then go off to do jobs so she isn't under pressure as she doesn't respond well to immediate demands. She groans and thrashes around and won't get out of bed. Eventually she starts screaming and crying that she doesn't want to go to school and I have to physically lift her out of bed. I try persuading her to get ready but she generally screams more. Occasionally she'll let me dress her but mostly not. She screams like she's being murdered throughout having her hair and teeth brushed that it hurts. I have to lift her to the toilet because she refuses to go. She won't eat breakfast. She's a bit better once out of the house as she likes scooting but still needs constant encouragement to keep going.

After school she usually wets herself on the way home because she won't use the toilets at school. She barely eats any lunch. She runs away from anyone who tries to talk to her at lunch break (her teacher sees this as being playful ) and complains constantly about the noise. She usually has a meltdown within half hour of arriving home. She barely eats any tea and is withdrawn or else upset all evening. She struggles to settle to sleep and then is up at least three times a night screaming hysterically. She is like a different child.

She doesn't have any friends and doesn't want any. She is miles ahead academically and not being challenged. I don't think changing schools would help though - she'd hate the noise/toilets/expectations anywhere. I think she'd be happier at home by a mile, but am I doing her a disservice if I decide to home educate?

DP is on board but my DSIS says she'll never learn to be sociable without being thrown in the deep end and that she won't get diagnosed without school agreement so it'll limit the support she can access.

AIBU to just want her to happy and home educate on this basis?

Sod everyone else. What is your opinion and your husbands?

You want to home school her? Do it. If it's best for your kid.

Maybe give it a trail run?

My husband did a PDA training day recently. He's a teacher but asked for permission to go on the course because of our son.

It's changed our whole way of doing things.

It sound like school isn't great for her and it sounds like life at home for you all with the fallout after school is pretty stressful. I'd take her out now rather than wait. I wish we'd done it sooner for one of ours, but kept thinking oh next year is Mrs Such-and-such, she's supposed to be nice, hopefully next year will be better, but it never was.

NB
As an aside, I'm impressed by the way with the sheer number of 'yes what a good idea to HE' responses on this post. Either there are rather a lot of HE parents on here, or else even mainstream parents are increasingly aware that school isn't the only option re education these days when child is struggling, unhappy and/ or the school isn't catering for the child's needs.

Has anyone home educated and still managed to get a diagnosis?

I did not home school, but I did manage to get my children a diagnosis, a statement and then a place at a special school. I did this without any help from the current school or the professionals involved in the school system. I just collected as much evidence as possible and made my case. It wasn't easy by any means but it was possible, and then doing it again for another child was by far easier. I should say this was done after the educational psychologist at their current school said they did not "qualify" for a statement because they could read well. They could read well certainly, but just not able to get to the right classroom or pick the right book to read in the first place. It's a few years ago now, but if I can help in any way please feel free to message me.

My children only started the assessment process once they were out of school. School were, in our case, beyond useless. DD in particular had been refused any help at all because she was so compliant and quiet that they didn't see any problems.

It's been a bit of a battle getting the process started and then the paediatrician was a bit nervous - basically they didn't have a protocol for how to progress with HE kids, because normally their next step was to ask teachers for their observations. But we got round it by giving the forms to various club leaders instead (they do a lot of extra-curricular stuff now because being free from the stress of school they are better able to cope with it). Actually the paediatrician did say she was getting a lot more HE kids through her door. Says a lot TBH. Lots of my kids' HE friends have ASD/ADHD etc and have been pulled from school because it was so wrong for them

I would home school...I wish I had with my daughter...this sounds a lot like what I've gone through...now finally at 13 she's been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder-this was at her first appointment.

Good luck op.

Definitely home ed for a bit if you can. We took DS out of school when he was 8 as he was so very unhappy and struggling (we have just about got an ASD diagnosis).
I also had a toddler at the time.
Within weeks he changed and became happier and calmer. We took our cues from him and based English and Maths etc around his interests as well as lots of trips out to museums etc then he'd write about interesting things we saw. Joined home ed groups and he was actually much more able to socialise without school pressures.
After 6 months we found him an amazing school and he's now back in full time education happy and academically ahead of his peers. So I'm short - go for it!!!

Meant to say that finding the right school makes such a huge difference

I think you might be fine homeschooling and pursuing a diagnosis at the same time. I work in a school office so know nothing about child development /autism etc but I do see processes and admin and people get diagnosis with very little to no involvement from school. If you could ask the school to keep a diary for 2 weeks and fill out a boxall profile it might help you. You need to keep a diary for ye same 2 weeks.

Go for it. You sound like a lovely mum and would do a great job. All we keep hearing about these days is how rubbish schools are and how shit teachers are. I think people are mad to use state schools atm

• HE or Private if you can. Shame not all parents have those options, but I think you would be doing the right thing for your daughter to get her out of that awful environment.

Our ds2 is out of school after years of struggling. He has aspergers as it turns out.

He now goes to an online school and is like a different person - so much happier and gaining confidence by the day.

littlepinkmouse

From reading the posts, I think a number of people on this thread agree with op yet still have dcs at mainstream school. My dd is one of them. I think HE is a lot more common these days. My dd is much better at school than HE because she wants to be surrounded by friends and people all the time. She always asked me at pick up: "What are we doing, where are we going, who are we seeing?" And there are children at the opposite end of this, who struggle with the social and/or structural elements. These days, I think a lot of people recognise this not to be a failing of the child or their parents. Schooling is a a type of "institutionalisation" and not all children will thrive under these conditions. I have met a number of parents, who HE. The way HE is set up and the way groups interact and teach the children sounds amazing. I have CFS/ME so this would never be an option for me, which is why I'm really glad dd loves her school. I also think parents are far more aware that children should be happy at school, perhaps because many of them, myself included were miserable at school. I was not a good fit for any of the schools I went to apart from the one, I went to for one term aged 4, which I truly loved and then my parents moved and I hated the schools from then on. I struggled forever even through I am very intelligent and managed to get a good degree despite my poor schooling. Being sensitive to our children's needs and the needs of other children is very important for me and thank goodness sounds as if if resonates with a lot of people.

Do it.

I HEd my DS for a period when he was pretty much exactly the same age. He had become a selective mute, with many ASD-like behaviours, and school was starting down the ed Pstch route.

We had a wonderful time. DD was a couple of years younger, in part-time pre-school, so we did the 'formal' learning while she was out, then the three of us did anything and everything the rest of the time. After a while, he got well enough to go out and about with the local Home Ed group - initially he found it too unstructured and became very scared, and tbh he always preferred their trips to places rather than the regular meet-up.

He carried on Beavers and sports clubs, and managed to talk there in a way he couldn't while he had been at school, even though the children were the same.

In the end, it became apparent that what DS was suffering from was actually acute anxiety, not ASD - I won't bore you with what had been happening to him at school, but it wasn't great.

We moved, and he did then go back into (a different) school - I well remember standing in the playground thinking 'if he comes out not speaking again, then that's HE forever' - and absoutely flourished. The HE period was one of healing for us all, and although it turned out to be temporary, that didn't mean it wasn't exactly the right thing to do at the time.

It felt like SUCH a big decision to take him out of school initially, but if i were to give advice to someone in the same position, it would be to do the right thing for your child at this point, see how it goes, and then take further decisions as and when you need to / your child needs you to.

I can't see her ever taking part in extra curricular activities to gain their leaders thoughts for the paediatrician, though. She watches longingly as her sister takes part in activities and sometimes she says she wants to do them too but when it comes to it she's overcome with anxiety and has a total meltdown.

I appreciate all your support and the 'do the right thing for now' comments but my other DD will still be at the same school for another three years and it's too dangerous to walk alone even in year 6. If I take 6 yo out then it's highly likely she wouldn't get back into that school if she went back to mainstream school so then she'd be stressed by a double school run which would begin the anxiety before she even got there.

Her current school has a new SENCO starting on Monday so I'm going to ask to meet with her and explain that things are so drastic I'm considering removing her. Hopefully that could spur them into being more helpful.

She watches longingly as her sister takes part in activities and sometimes she says she wants to do them too but when it comes to it she's overcome with anxiety and has a total meltdown.

If the main source of her anxiety were removed, and she learned that she didn't have to spend all day desperately trying to cope with an intolerable (for her) situation, you might well find that her anxiety levels come way down. Then, you may well find that she's got more reserves to tackle her anxiety about things she'd like to do.

I would agree with that. DS could do relatively unstructured out of school things like Beavers once he was HE in a way that was simply impossible before.

You know your DD better than anyone - better than your sister and her teachers.

From what you describe I would not hesitate to try home education. As others have said, this would be an irreversible decision and her anxiety might alleviate to the point where she is able to take part in clubs, etc.

I feel for you both. Wishing you well .

littlepinkmouse - my children are NT, no additional needs and we have no experience of HE. They enjoy school - both the education experience and the social side of things. But it is patently obvious from how the OP has described her daughter's experience that her DD's attempts to cope with the school environment and all the challenges it poses for her are damaging. There must be lots and lots of children who have similar difficult experiences but whose parents for different reasons are not in a position to be able to offer another option. For the OP, who is able to offer a HE experience as an alternative to the struggle which school obviously currently poses for her daughter, it seems like a no-brainer .

• I meant NOT be an irreversible decision (tired)

I would love her to feel happier so she could do things she'd like to. It made me sad today as her sister was going to a party and her friend has a sister in DDs class. Her sister said "oh you're friends with her sister aren't you?" and DD said "she's in my class but I'm not friends with her. I'm not friends with anyone."

Oh bless her heart, of course yanbu.

I have a dd with ASD in school and I repeatedly toy with the idea of HE. FWIW she (and ds) got a diagnosis before she ever set foot in an educational establishment. Dd has a statement and 1 to 1 support but school is a source of constant stress and anxiety. She is due back to school on Monday after two weeks off and the change in her mood since Friday is awful after two weeks where she has been happy and calm. At six I wouldn't hesitate to HE knowing now what lays ahead. Maybe for us this year will be the year we optout as well tbh.

Your DSIS clearly doesn't understand much about autism. If your dd us autistic then she's never going to be sociable in an NT way (as your dsis imagines) anyway. It sounds to me like you should home educate as long as you're happy to do so.
I too am struggling with this dilemma.