to consider home educating my DD because she's happier during school holidays?

[Hoptastic53]

My DD is 6 and in year one. She's been under a paediatrician for two years as I think, and her nursery thought, that she has autism. I thought sending her to school would aid diagnosis and get her some support but there's been no progress. Any problems in the first year were attributed to settling in. Then this year to a new class, then to her teacher changed, then her paediatrician was ill on the day of her last appointment so we saw a different one who then wanted to leave it six months for a review. It's taking forever, and in the meantime DD is unhappy and I hate to see her this way.

The difference in her during the almost three weeks of Easter holidays has really made me think that I should just home educate her. During the holidays, she'd get herself up and dressed. She'd go to the toilet by herself, ask for particular hairstyles, be polite and much more chatty than usual, she ate a lot better than usual and slept through at least half of the nights. There were probably only 3/4 meltdowns over the entire holidays.

Fast forward to this week and it couldn't be more different. I start trying to get her up at 7.30. I wake her then go off to do jobs so she isn't under pressure as she doesn't respond well to immediate demands. She groans and thrashes around and won't get out of bed. Eventually she starts screaming and crying that she doesn't want to go to school and I have to physically lift her out of bed. I try persuading her to get ready but she generally screams more. Occasionally she'll let me dress her but mostly not. She screams like she's being murdered throughout having her hair and teeth brushed that it hurts. I have to lift her to the toilet because she refuses to go. She won't eat breakfast. She's a bit better once out of the house as she likes scooting but still needs constant encouragement to keep going.

After school she usually wets herself on the way home because she won't use the toilets at school. She barely eats any lunch. She runs away from anyone who tries to talk to her at lunch break (her teacher sees this as being playful ) and complains constantly about the noise. She usually has a meltdown within half hour of arriving home. She barely eats any tea and is withdrawn or else upset all evening. She struggles to settle to sleep and then is up at least three times a night screaming hysterically. She is like a different child.

She doesn't have any friends and doesn't want any. She is miles ahead academically and not being challenged. I don't think changing schools would help though - she'd hate the noise/toilets/expectations anywhere. I think she'd be happier at home by a mile, but am I doing her a disservice if I decide to home educate?

DP is on board but my DSIS says she'll never learn to be sociable without being thrown in the deep end and that she won't get diagnosed without school agreement so it'll limit the support she can access.

AIBU to just want her to happy and home educate on this basis?

I'd go for it. It's a reversible decision; it's not for life. You can change your mind

I home educate my 6 year old. She learns differently from how children learn at school. She leads, and I follow. We can cover far more one on one than a teacher trying to get 30 children to learn something.

Every family is different, each child is different. Some children thrive at school, and some do not.

The internet is abundant with information.

But, my god, happiness is everything.

Lots of luck with your decision x

It sounds like a no brainer to me OP.

The school are very oversubscribed and so won't accept part time.

To be fair to the school, DD does seem to mask it well. She hasn't had any accidents there and just keeps herself to herself so they presume she's shy and sensitive.

Sounds to me like she needs shelter from the world right now. If that's what she needs then that is the right thing to do. Maybe when she is older she will cope better.

There may be some ways to help once she is ready for school, making sure the acoustics aren't terrible in her classroom is one of them, and routines are another.

Masking is exhausting.

Wouldn't hesitate in your situation.

I have home edded and flexi schooled my 4 dcs and am so glad I did.

You know your own dd best, but it sounds like school is such a stressful environment for her.

I always chuckle at the socialisation criticism about home ed, as we couldn't possibly fit in all the home ed opportunities on offer for my dd9 in my local area. Also, my ds, who has ASD was very lonely in school, so not much socialisation went on there for him.

One on one, you will be able to bring her on educationally so much better, because she won't be stressed and overwhelmed by the noise and you can do it in a fraction of the time. There are so many resources available now to help you.

Take the plunge. You won't regret it.

I would OP, at least for the time being. It doesn't sound as though this school is right for her and, if you try HE and it doesn't work for her/you, you won't be in any worse position if you need to start looking for a new school than you are now.

You and DP know her best so I wouldn't worry too much about DSIS's concerns, it's not her having to watch her DC go through what you've described before school in the mornings or the effects when she gets home is it? There will be a way round the issues she has mentioned and the HE community is very supportive so you won't be short of help.

Do the FB search Velvet recommended and join your local group, you may well find other families on there who've been exactly where you are now and are happy to talk it through with you so you feel you're making an informed decision.

I always knew my DD wasn't 'school shaped', she's 8 now and has been HE from the start, no regrets. Hope you manage to come to a decision you're happy with and that things improve for your DD

I'd go for it in a heartbeat in your situation op. She will probably learn to be sociable much more easily at home and in smaller, calmer home ed meet ups with your support. And she could always rejoin school when she's older and has those skills under her belt. At the moment it just sounds like she's having an awful time

Give HE a try she might do better at home with 1:1 support from you but research it all before you jump in also have you looked in to SN schools they might be a better school environment for her if she's struggling with mainstream school. My nephew ended up at an SN school because mainstream schools didn't want him because in their eyes he was hard work he thrived in an SN school the smaller classes and kids that where at the same level as him really helped him he still has melt downs but at least now he's at a school that knows how to deal with him. Good luck whatever you decide to do you know your DD better than anyone.

Has anyone home educated and still managed to get a diagnosis? Her paediatrician made it sound like an impossibility when I was considering not sending her to school at all but I feel like a fraud without a diagnosis and like her needs won't be recognised until it's formally acknowledged as autism.

Yes my close friend, it was easier as there was no longer a school claiming her ds was " just fine".

If she's not in school she probably won't need one and it's not an awful lot of help ime even when they are in school. Focus on her strengths and helping her with what she struggles with.

There is a SN school locally but I think she'd struggle there too, but in different ways. We went to look at the nursery there and DD sat and made a repeating pattern with about eight colours of beads and a boy came and jumbled them and she was so Distraught that we had to leave. At least in mainstream school most DC leave her be with things like this.

Home Education UK is a good starter group on Facebook. There will be people on there who can give advice about getting diagnosis when HE.

"I think my DSIS thinks I'd be sheltering her from the real world but actually she's more sociable away from school."

I think that is a key observation you have made. Your daughter is able to interact better elsewhere than in school.

School isn't "the real world". It is a small subset of the real world, but it isn't a microcosm of the larger world. In some key respects school is quite different from most other environments your daughter will encounter in her life. If school is inhibiting your daughter's social development then it is not a healthy or necessary place for her.

I've one with autism who I home educated for 9 yrs...and one a bit older than yr dd who's about to be diagnosed with autism.and if things get worse at school I will home educate him to...do as you see fit.you are the parent .you know your child best.good luck x

She sounds just like my son. He is 9 now and has autism. I ignored my instincts although he was diagnosed by the time he was your daughter's age. But school were a bit rubbish. We removed him at the end of year two. We then relocated 250 miles away and he has just started back at school in January into year 4 and i know this is the right school, the difference in him is amazing.

But do not regret doing what we did. DH is also a teacher.

I wouldn't worry about doing a good job, I did absolutely nothing at my sleepy little prep school in the 70s. We mainly read books, sewed and played netball. I turned out fine.

I don't think you need a diagnosis to justify this, just follow your instincts and experience,

DP is on board but my DSIS says she'll never learn to be sociable without being thrown in the deep end and that she won't get diagnosed without school agreement so it'll limit the support she can access

As someone who has home educated a girl with Aspergers right through from age 8 to 16, your DSiS is totally wrong. To throw an autistic child in the deep end, into a situation they can't cope with, is asking for trouble.

DD never socialised at school. She hated it. She hated the other children. If she was invited to parties she would hide the invite so she didn't have to go. She got so distressed she started saying she would never leave the house as an adult and do all her shopping online.

We took her out at 8. For 6 months she refused to do any activities outside of home. We just took time and let her recover. Gradually she agreed to start going to home ed activities (there are hundreds). She turned into a really sociable little girl. Home ed children are so accepting of differences, unlike any children I'd ever met before. There was no bullying or unkindness, just acceptance. She's 17 now and has a long term boyfriend and lots of friends. I never thought that would happen. I'm willing to bet had I left her in school it wouldn't have done. At home they can go at their own pace, they're not forced. They can start by seeing others for a really short time and go home when they get overloaded. You can't do that at school.

As for the diagnosis and support, you can get that out of school, though it's harder. But, having known a good few home educated children with autism of varying degrees, you may find you don't actually need it. The support is there to try to help push your square peg child into the round hole that is school. Once you're out of school and don't need to to that, you may well find no support is needed.

By the way, we took DD out with the plan of just one year with the full intention of putting her back in school. She stayed at home until A levels at 16, and her older sister ended up coming out too. That's how successful it was. They are 21 and 17 now and both say it's the best thing I ever did for them. You have very little to lose by trying it. You can always put her back in school if it doesn't work.

Her school sounds a bit crap TBH.

Mainstream schools vary massively in how SN friendly they are.

I honestly didn't know this, I thought they were all roughly the same.

I was in a similar situation to you, DD deteriorated rapidly in her first school. In the end we moved her and the difference is unbelievable, we have glimpses of the old DD back

There's nothing particular to this school that she doesn't like though so I don't see how changing school would improve things? She doesn't like being around people. She doesn't like demands. Her teacher has minimised immediate demands but DD is still very unhappy.

Im a teacher and l would say do it. You know her best and can find ways to make it work. Remember a little bit every day is best. Maybe you could get a volunteer tutor from a child education course who is looking for experience to do some aspects..do it.

I have three adult children with autism. If I had the chance to go back I would have home educated two of them, certainly through the primary school years where their problems were similiar to your daughters. I found those problems with school/behaviour/unhappiness only increased as the years went by, as they were expected to conform in certain ways that they were unable to. Also the gap between them and the majority of the other children increased over the years. Two of my children never really made friends in school and were never invited to parties and so on, so as far as socialisation it would have made little difference. Though ironically they made friends out of the school environment. As your daughter is so bright you could devise a curriculum that would interest and challenge her. She could "fly" in a way that may not be possible within the school environment.I sadly found schools teach to the average child, and both the very bright or those with learning disabilities can miss out (a gross generalisation perhaps, but from my children's experience it has been true).

I wish you good luck whatever you decide to do, but if I was you I would go for it, as you can always return to the traditional school route if it does not work out.

Lots of ASD diagnostic pathways will involve gathering information about how a child presents in a social setting with peers but that could equally be done by observing them in an HE group as it could be by observing them in a classroom. In some areas as part the assessment services set up social groups for children and use that as a way to gather the info. So there is certainly more than one way to skin a cat iyswim and I don't think that should put you off HE if that's what you think is best for your dd.