Am I not taking a hint from a friend or AIBU

[bbsamsmam]

DH and I are very good friends with another couple, we both grew up with the guy from primary school and he moved 3 hours away when he was 16 but we've stayed in touch since. We got married, he married a girl from where he is now and we both have young children, they're god parents to our eldest and vice versa, we've been on big holidays together, go away for weekends together ect (you get the picture) all was the same until last august we were all talking about booking a big Christmas holiday to the Caribbean. They are a lot better off than us financially but we try our best to keep up when they want to be a bit more extravagant (but do say no if we can't go) so went along looking for holidays with them. We told them from the start our budget was about half of what there's was and that I'm big on xmas so would fly any day Boxing Day or afterwards but didn't want to be gone for xmas day, time wise didn't matter to them so we agreed to try to find a happy medium. It took weeks of back and forthing when they came up with a holiday that was more there budget than ours and which also flew 3 days before Christmas and didn't get back until after the new year. DH said that Christmas was a deal breaker for me but he liked the hotel they found so would look for other dates and get back to them. I spoke to her 2 days later to arrange a day out meeting with the kids and I said we can finally get this holiday sorted as well and she was like oh... he's already booked ours? Did I not know? She was under the impression that when he spoke to my DH about the deal he found that he told him he was going to go with it but that's not how it was left our end. Anyway my DH got a bit peed off and said for me to make my excuses for the meet up as he was annoyed with them. We eventually met up child free a few weeks later for a night out just the 4 of us and there was no atmosphere or tension or anything, everything was fine but that's over 6 months ago and we haven't seen them since? Which is very unusual! I send her kids little gifts all the time, sent a big Halloween hamper as I felt bad I wouldn't see the girls to give them any sweets, sent valentines gifts and cards to the girls (which we usually do for each other's kids) but received nothing for my DCs, sent her youngest a birthday present, let her know it was on its way and when I checked to see had it got there she said oh yes we did receive a rocking horse a couple of days who but didn't know if it was from you or someone else who said they were sending something. I speak to her every other week at least and try to arrange a meet up but there's always an excuse. I spent £45 on an egg hamper for her kids at Easter and she sent a little egg each for mine. I'm not being ungrateful at all, if it had been that on its own I wouldn't have even noticed but with everything else it's stood out to me.
The only thing it could be other than the holiday is Christmas presents. They sent mine presents before they left but I haven't sent theirs yet as they're much too big and heavy to post (a big Costco doll house and all accessories for it) which is why I've been so desperately trying to arrange a meet up to give it to them! But I think it was the holiday that kicked it all off as normally we'd have met up loads before Christmas. I didn't get a birthday card which I always do, Yesterday was our anniversary and they always send flowers and a card and this time they didn't even send a text. Its not about what they're not sending, if they would agree to meet up it'd put my mind at rest that everything's okay but what's bothering me is that's right now it's all one sided. It's their anniversary in 2 weeks and normally I'd send flowers and a card but am I just making a fool of myself pushing myself on them when they're looking very disinterested in us? But then I don't want to seem petty for not doing what I'd normally do in case there's other reasons for their distancing themselves from us? I'm upset about it as they are our closest friends and DH is getting more annoyed with them and telling me not to bother but I'm not like that? What should I do? I don't want to out and ask them if there's a problem as I know they'll say no regardless? AIBU to be thinking like this?

I absolutely agree with Pictish-the presents you send them is utterly bizarre and way overboard. You've sent them a rocking horse (?!), Halloween hamper, valentines gifts and £45 eggs in the last 6 months?!

You sound like you were close friends. You need to have it out. It's going to be an awkward conversation but if you are close friends it's doable

This just confirms my feelings about friendships op. Absolutely superficial and pointless. When it comes down to it, if they can't even discuss what has obviously pissed them off then it was never a genuine friendship in the first place as far as I'm concerned.

All this passive aggressive huffing and ignoring birthdays is just ridiculous.

Life's far too short to waste another penny on these people. They sound very much like 'The Jones's' and trying to keep up with all that wasteful spending is just ludicrous.

Concentrate on your own family and forget about these people. Actions speak louder than words, they've already checked out.

This friendship sounds more about who's giving the best gifts. I don't know anyone who sends Halloween or Valentines gifts. And a big Costco dolls house? Isn't that something you'd buy for your own children, not someone else's?

I can't see they would be annoyed about you not going on holiday with them if they understand your finances aren't as much as theirs. Maybe wires just got crossed somewhere, or maybe the friendship has run its course? Sometimes, the less you see people, the less you feel you actually want to see them.

I would arrange to drop the Christmas presents off as soon as possible then leave the ball in their court.

I'd send a text saying what's happened? I feel you are avoiding me or similar

Agree with what muffin said actually - suspect the DHs have fallen out in fact

I'm not really sure why people are getting so hung up on the gifting.

Yes it is a lot, bordering on obscene. But the OP has said time and time again that up until very recently this was reciprocal - in fact it was started by the other couple. So it's not as if the OP has been behaving in a way OTT manner and suffocating this other couple, it was previously normal for the friendship for them both to do this.

I also don't agree with the suggestion that the other couple are just trying to back off a bit from the gifts. If that was the case, then instead of sending flowers for the anniversary as previous, they would just have sent a card or at least even a text. Not to acknowledge something at all that you'd previously sent an extravagant gift for is a fairly deliberate snub in my opinion.

But to be honest, I'd just ask directly. You need to get to the bottom of this.

It was reciprocal in the beginning, maybe when their children were younger and there were fewer children in their lives, and lives were less busy.
As time goes on and things change, you get to know more people and their children, maybe there are nieces and nephews to think of too, and then buying to this level for friends is no longer a nice thing but an extra chore.

So maybe it started as reciprocal and even instigated by them, but it is no longer appropriate for anyone anymore.

Is that you Emma?

Send a text and ask, have we done something to upset you! At least then there is an opportunity to sort this out. Leave it too long and that's a friendship ruined

Is that you Emma?

I think you need to ring up and say, we really need to meet I've still got the kids Christmas presents which are way too big to post!

On the flipside, I have the wedding present of my dd godmother still. She got married about five years ago but my dd got swine flu so we couldn't go. Only contact is her saying she's too busy to meet...

A Halloween hamper and fuck off Easter basket is a bit mad, to be fair!

Sorry, but reading between the lines, I think you have outgrown this friendship, or rather, THEY have. It seems they disregarded your brief for the holiday, and that to me is saying 'we are going to do our own thing'. Doesn't sound like she has made much in the way of effort to keep the friendship going, and ....ooo.....here goes..... you sound a bit needy... like you depend more on this friendship than her? sorry if thats hurtful, but that is the way it's coming across. I read your story twice, I really did, and the same vibe comes through each time.
Plus, sorry again, but pet peeve of mine... the abbreviation for 'et cetera', meaning 'and so on' is ETC.

I don't quite understand how you can contemplate an £8000 holiday, send a Halloween and Easter Basket, a rocking horse etc etc but can't afford to courier the doll's house to them?

I have to say if anyone ever spent these amount of gifts to my children I would find it both overwhelming and terrifying. I wouldn't do this for my own children even if I had the money.

I think your DH attitude to the holiday and subsequent meet up is at the heart of this. The rocking horse, Easter gift hamper etc. also seems excessive, especially in light of your inability to send the dolls house too but I can see how you were carrying out what was a reciprocal giving of gifts. Is it possible that they have run out of space for such massive toys and don't want to accept another?

If this was reciprocal though then I'm dying to know what gifts your DCs got from them?!!

OP, hopefully the other woman is a Mumsnetter and, if you hang on, she'll pop up with an explanation soon. You've certainly given enough detail to be identifiable. These sorts of things can happen, and have happened to me though on a smaller scale! It is sad and I'd much prefer if people were up front and said 'Nah, don't want to play anymore' rather than all this wondering what's going on.

What Jellie said. Asking if something's wrong isn't confrontation! It's being an adult. The gifts sound completely ott and you need a rethink on showing affection by spending money. And the whole dolls house too dear to courier and the rocking horse fine, it's just not consistent. Here's how it could all look: you dig your heels in about ONE Christmas Day. They decide to book their holiday and don't mention it because you've made such a song and dance about ONE Christmas Day. Your DH sulks and cancels the next meeting. Which they'll have guessed. Then you don't send your Christmas presents. Then you overcompensate by over-gifting, like you're now regretting your strop. Speak to them and be honest. I should imagine they're tired of the drama.

I think your DH attitude to the holiday and subsequent meet up is at the heart of this.

I agree. The present giving is really OTT too. I get sending the first ones but to continue to send them when you aren't getting any contact/thing back is daft. You have taken forever to get the hint.

I'm worried that you are having pregnancy complications and this friend is not rallying round. That doesn't seem very nice to me. It sounds like they wanted to be able to do more extravagant holidays and going together wasn't working for them anymore. And it also sounds like you worked yourself into a situation with way too much gifting going back and forth. I would send her an email asking if something is wrong on the basis that they seem to be avoiding you, and let the holiday and gift exchanging go.

Did you call your friend today OP? It is a horrible feeling to think someone is trying to distance themselves from you without r ally knowing why but if you can at least have a conversation about it, that may make you feel better about it, even if the end result is the same. It does depend on you being courageous and asking her what's up as well as her being behave and honest. Good luck, I hope you resolve it somehow.

Well, if you're still reading OP I think Cassandra had the best response if you want to pursue things -

OP, if I was you I would phone up your friend and be honest

Try to arrange a meet up, and if you are given excuses again, say "Please be honest with me, X. We haven't met up for over six months, and every time I suggest it you find a reason not to. Is there something going on that I don't understand? Are you cross with me or is your DH cross with mine?"

Then stop talking and give her time to answer. Don't fill in any awkward pauses. Don't mention the lack of presents / cards as that makes it seem like you're pissed off about it. Just focus on the lack of contact (as that's the thing that is upsetting you).

If she fobs you off again, say "OK, fair enough, but if there is anything you would like to tell me I'd rather know the truth."

After that, I would take the hint and step back from the friendship

Alternatively you could say nothing, simply ignore their upcoming anniversary and wait for your friend to make the next contact and then let her make arrangements/suggest meeting up and see where things go from there.

And re the Xmas presents, just send them, for crying out loud, just send them. Stick a note on to say who they're from unlike the rocking horses (and honestly, who, apart from doting GP's, actually sends rocking horses as a present.......) and just say "Wow, sorry we haven't managed to hand these over in person yet, still, better late than never!" and leave it there.

I'd send the christmas presents in case that is the issue (Hermes is a really cheap way of sending stuff) and then I'd wait for them to contact you. If they don't then you know you've been dumped. Friendships do change over time and if they can't be honest and say what's upset them, then you may never really know.

Could she be avoiding you due to your pregnancy??

Wow. Easter baskets, anniversary flowers, Halloween presents. What do you do for the dogs birthday?

Seriously don't send anything else and ask your friend.