Am I not taking a hint from a friend or AIBU

[bbsamsmam]

DH and I are very good friends with another couple, we both grew up with the guy from primary school and he moved 3 hours away when he was 16 but we've stayed in touch since. We got married, he married a girl from where he is now and we both have young children, they're god parents to our eldest and vice versa, we've been on big holidays together, go away for weekends together ect (you get the picture) all was the same until last august we were all talking about booking a big Christmas holiday to the Caribbean. They are a lot better off than us financially but we try our best to keep up when they want to be a bit more extravagant (but do say no if we can't go) so went along looking for holidays with them. We told them from the start our budget was about half of what there's was and that I'm big on xmas so would fly any day Boxing Day or afterwards but didn't want to be gone for xmas day, time wise didn't matter to them so we agreed to try to find a happy medium. It took weeks of back and forthing when they came up with a holiday that was more there budget than ours and which also flew 3 days before Christmas and didn't get back until after the new year. DH said that Christmas was a deal breaker for me but he liked the hotel they found so would look for other dates and get back to them. I spoke to her 2 days later to arrange a day out meeting with the kids and I said we can finally get this holiday sorted as well and she was like oh... he's already booked ours? Did I not know? She was under the impression that when he spoke to my DH about the deal he found that he told him he was going to go with it but that's not how it was left our end. Anyway my DH got a bit peed off and said for me to make my excuses for the meet up as he was annoyed with them. We eventually met up child free a few weeks later for a night out just the 4 of us and there was no atmosphere or tension or anything, everything was fine but that's over 6 months ago and we haven't seen them since? Which is very unusual! I send her kids little gifts all the time, sent a big Halloween hamper as I felt bad I wouldn't see the girls to give them any sweets, sent valentines gifts and cards to the girls (which we usually do for each other's kids) but received nothing for my DCs, sent her youngest a birthday present, let her know it was on its way and when I checked to see had it got there she said oh yes we did receive a rocking horse a couple of days who but didn't know if it was from you or someone else who said they were sending something. I speak to her every other week at least and try to arrange a meet up but there's always an excuse. I spent £45 on an egg hamper for her kids at Easter and she sent a little egg each for mine. I'm not being ungrateful at all, if it had been that on its own I wouldn't have even noticed but with everything else it's stood out to me.
The only thing it could be other than the holiday is Christmas presents. They sent mine presents before they left but I haven't sent theirs yet as they're much too big and heavy to post (a big Costco doll house and all accessories for it) which is why I've been so desperately trying to arrange a meet up to give it to them! But I think it was the holiday that kicked it all off as normally we'd have met up loads before Christmas. I didn't get a birthday card which I always do, Yesterday was our anniversary and they always send flowers and a card and this time they didn't even send a text. Its not about what they're not sending, if they would agree to meet up it'd put my mind at rest that everything's okay but what's bothering me is that's right now it's all one sided. It's their anniversary in 2 weeks and normally I'd send flowers and a card but am I just making a fool of myself pushing myself on them when they're looking very disinterested in us? But then I don't want to seem petty for not doing what I'd normally do in case there's other reasons for their distancing themselves from us? I'm upset about it as they are our closest friends and DH is getting more annoyed with them and telling me not to bother but I'm not like that? What should I do? I don't want to out and ask them if there's a problem as I know they'll say no regardless? AIBU to be thinking like this?

OP, if I was you I would phone up your friend and be honest.

Try to arrange a meet up, and if you are given excuses again, say "Please be honest with me, X. We haven't met up for over six months, and every time I suggest it you find a reason not to. Is there something going on that I don't understand? Are you cross with me or is your DH cross with mine?"

Then stop talking and give her time to answer. Don't fill in any awkward pauses. Don't mention the lack of presents / cards as that makes it seem like you're pissed off about it. Just focus on the lack of contact (as that's the thing that is upsetting you).

If she fobs you off again, say "OK, fair enough, but if there is anything you would like to tell me I'd rather know the truth."

After that, I would take the hint and step back from the friendship.

This is so weird.

Perhaps they're wondering why you (from perspective) said you can't afford a holiday with them, yet you've got lots of cash to be splashing out on incredibly expensive gifts for non-events Halloween/valentines day etc?

TBH it sounds like they got fed up and wanted to go on holiday without you. A Christmas holiday is generally one that incorporates christmas surely! And who spends £45 on chocolate for someone elses kid at Easter? What on earth do you spend on your own? Why do you give halloween hampers and valentines gifts? I think them not sending stuff back should be telling you that you have gone waaaay over the top and they perhaps can't find a nice way to say it. Stop sending ridiculous gifts and for goodness sake courier the dolls house, its not that expensive! It would be less than £45 easter chocolate thats for sure.
Then call your friend and if they still don't want to meet up, just move on.

Curious is it always you phoning her or does she phone you?

Honestly, the holiday thing just sounds annoying and exhausting. You wanted the cheaper holiday but you also wanted something that would fly AFTER xmas, which would prob be more expensive anyway. And then instead of your DH just SAYING HE WAS ANNOYED, he started blowing them off. Then you bought a gift that required a meetup and are now stressing them for one.

I think you guys sound like a ton of work but it just could be an exhausting friendship all round. Maybe they just want to reset to something less tiring and more normal. I don't think I could take all the present buying you guys are doing.

Also: your DH sounds like a child. His response to everything is to drop contact! I would call the wife and speak to her. If you've been friends 10 years, just have a conversation.

mumsnet are weird about this because they have this idea that relationships are all about power. And if you ever have an open conversation you are giving up your power because you blinked first. So if you think someone is mad at you, you should immediately cut them off. Occasionally there are "i have no friends" threads on mumsnet and many many people who preach this doctrine turn up on those threads. Throwing away 10 year friendships over one argument is a luxury many people don't have so I would be wary before taking this advice. You don't have to grovel but there's no "power lost" in an adult friend asking another adult friend to be honest.

@Greyponcho

OP said they did agree to go on the holiday, but just couldn't agree dates.

@OP, think this may actually a good thing in the end. You have been spending more on holidays and presents than you're comfortable. This will allow you step back. Even if the friendship is resumed, scale back holidays and presents. Just because they have more disposable income, it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice savings and other things.

I've said things to her on the phone like "I can't believe it's been so long long since we saw the kids anyone would think we'd fallen out" and she laughs and says she says the same to her DH so I really don't think we'd have a straight answer if I asked her, I was kind of giving her an opportunity to say something?

You need to stop with all the vague hints and speak about it like an adult.

Agree that a Christmas holiday should surely incorporate Christmas. Your reluctance to be away on Christmas Day is probably a fly in their ointment and ultimately they found it a deal-breaking pain in the arse.

Also agree that £45 on an Easter hamper for their kids is preposterous. Our kids all got a lovely egg each...think I spent £30 on the three of them to include a Lindt bunny each and a little egg hunt for the garden.
Did you actually spend more on their kids at Easter than your own?

We're in a very lucky position to be able to spend a bit more on ours and families gifts, both DH and I do very well for ourselves financially just the other couple are still better off than us. I wouldn't make myself skint to keep up with buying things for someone else's kids, I spend it on them because I get pleasure out of it not to keep up appearances or anything like that. Like I said the friendship means more to me than the material things

"Maybe they just want to reset to something less tiring and more normal."

That's what I think. They need a break and a reset.

If it had just been that sending things back and forth that stopped but seeing them had stayed the same I wouldn't have thought twice I'd have just cut back and stuck to normal things like birthdays but it feels like banging my head against a wall to find a new normal ground with us.

She calls and texts still but I admit contact does come more from me than her now I think about it?

Pictish I think so too...

Op

You said that after a discussion about the fact they booked a holiday you were supposed to meet her but didn't because your dh was annoyed???

^^^^ that was imo what offended your friends

The thing is - you could have flown out after to join them.

Send them an email and ask them straight out if there is a problem and if so, what. Lay out your position, tell them you miss them, then back off. They'll either be straight with you, you can apologise for whatever it was and move on, or they'll continue to play silly buggers and you'll have no choice but to leave them to it. No point in second guessing what may or may not have happened. Just be honest. You'll be glad you did.

Mm. I think scale back the presents, following her lead, but in a way that makes you not look like you aren't being petty. So maybe still get presents but smaller ones, or send a card with a nice message. Keep it friendly so that the door is open.

But you have to meet up too. Maybe there is something going on in their lives? Does she want to be pregnant again? Could she have miscarried? Could be anything I guess, but I don't think I would want to just let this intense friendship just evaporate like that without getting some sort of closure. The way you handled it before on the phone was too around the houses, be more forthright. And it needs to be face to face too.

Drifting away will be strange and leave you with too many unanswered questions. Also, it could be due to some stupid misunderstanding which would be a complete waste.

Could their financial circumstances have changed since you last saw them, such as job loss? Could they be struggling for money now? Has your DH spoken to the DH or met up with him in the six months?

Definitely stop sending stuff and don't bother with their anniversary. It does sound like you have gone way over the top - just buying a rocking horse and a massive dolls house (even though you've still got it) within a few months of each other, let alone the Halloween, Easter and Valentine's stuff is way too much.

can't you just meet just with her and just openly talk about it.

i also agree with QuiteLikely5 that if i was sending gifts, flowers, presents for kids and had been such a great friend for 10 years and your DH blew off the meeting over this holiday that i'd be pissed.

did he often do that? did your DH constantly refuse to meet with him if he was annoyed at some slight or injustice on their part?

And I think the friends husband was tasked with telling your own dh they had decided to book.

Maybe he chickened out of going that far or there was a misunderstanding between the two husbands?

You guys can't expect people to accommodate your needs always

We were more than happy to fly on different dates I should have said that had been discussed with them, it was the fact that they had booked without telling us and probably would have left it that way if I hadn't mentioned the holidays. As far as we were concerned we were all on the same page about the holiday just waiting on finalising the hotel itself. I think there were some major crossed wires at the time

Just go and talk to her. Face to face. Really, if she's been that good a friend, you should be able to just talk to her

True Friends are too important to lose without a proper conversation to solve problems .
Arrange a face to face meeting. Look her in the eyes and ask straight out . Tell her you're worried that its something you've done ,and that you need to talk about it .
Hopefully its just a misunderstanding, but if you don't ask you'll never know .
Good luck

Can't be that good or close a friendship if you are unable to pick up the phone and just ask, and trust the answer you are getting. Real friendships don't rely on reading the runes like some medieval seer!!!

I reckon your friends knew you well enough to know you didn't want to miss Christmas at home, but they particularly wanted to be away. They gave you the details to join them if you wanted to, then went ahead and booked the deal they had found rather than to-ing and fro-ing with dates and hotels. It would be easy enough for you to book the same place, different dates and even different hotel if you wanted to join them after Christmas.

You sound like a very kind and generous person. Would it work for you all if you decided to make a holiday kitty together rather than all the gift giving over the year? The children would benefit and it would save the hassle of buying and posting gifts throughout the year. That might be a good ice breaker.

I get the difficult position you're in. But frankly, the friendship is clearly in a rocky patch and I would take the lack of meeting up and gifts as a hint. I really think you need to send them a message and ask them outright what's up? At the end of the day, you're going to feel worse now, constantly second guessing what you've done, never knowing when to send a gift, than if you just ask them. At least then you'll have closure.

Do you think it's cos you're pregnant? Is she trying? Miscarried?