Am I not taking a hint from a friend or AIBU

[bbsamsmam]

DH and I are very good friends with another couple, we both grew up with the guy from primary school and he moved 3 hours away when he was 16 but we've stayed in touch since. We got married, he married a girl from where he is now and we both have young children, they're god parents to our eldest and vice versa, we've been on big holidays together, go away for weekends together ect (you get the picture) all was the same until last august we were all talking about booking a big Christmas holiday to the Caribbean. They are a lot better off than us financially but we try our best to keep up when they want to be a bit more extravagant (but do say no if we can't go) so went along looking for holidays with them. We told them from the start our budget was about half of what there's was and that I'm big on xmas so would fly any day Boxing Day or afterwards but didn't want to be gone for xmas day, time wise didn't matter to them so we agreed to try to find a happy medium. It took weeks of back and forthing when they came up with a holiday that was more there budget than ours and which also flew 3 days before Christmas and didn't get back until after the new year. DH said that Christmas was a deal breaker for me but he liked the hotel they found so would look for other dates and get back to them. I spoke to her 2 days later to arrange a day out meeting with the kids and I said we can finally get this holiday sorted as well and she was like oh... he's already booked ours? Did I not know? She was under the impression that when he spoke to my DH about the deal he found that he told him he was going to go with it but that's not how it was left our end. Anyway my DH got a bit peed off and said for me to make my excuses for the meet up as he was annoyed with them. We eventually met up child free a few weeks later for a night out just the 4 of us and there was no atmosphere or tension or anything, everything was fine but that's over 6 months ago and we haven't seen them since? Which is very unusual! I send her kids little gifts all the time, sent a big Halloween hamper as I felt bad I wouldn't see the girls to give them any sweets, sent valentines gifts and cards to the girls (which we usually do for each other's kids) but received nothing for my DCs, sent her youngest a birthday present, let her know it was on its way and when I checked to see had it got there she said oh yes we did receive a rocking horse a couple of days who but didn't know if it was from you or someone else who said they were sending something. I speak to her every other week at least and try to arrange a meet up but there's always an excuse. I spent £45 on an egg hamper for her kids at Easter and she sent a little egg each for mine. I'm not being ungrateful at all, if it had been that on its own I wouldn't have even noticed but with everything else it's stood out to me.
The only thing it could be other than the holiday is Christmas presents. They sent mine presents before they left but I haven't sent theirs yet as they're much too big and heavy to post (a big Costco doll house and all accessories for it) which is why I've been so desperately trying to arrange a meet up to give it to them! But I think it was the holiday that kicked it all off as normally we'd have met up loads before Christmas. I didn't get a birthday card which I always do, Yesterday was our anniversary and they always send flowers and a card and this time they didn't even send a text. Its not about what they're not sending, if they would agree to meet up it'd put my mind at rest that everything's okay but what's bothering me is that's right now it's all one sided. It's their anniversary in 2 weeks and normally I'd send flowers and a card but am I just making a fool of myself pushing myself on them when they're looking very disinterested in us? But then I don't want to seem petty for not doing what I'd normally do in case there's other reasons for their distancing themselves from us? I'm upset about it as they are our closest friends and DH is getting more annoyed with them and telling me not to bother but I'm not like that? What should I do? I don't want to out and ask them if there's a problem as I know they'll say no regardless? AIBU to be thinking like this?

wow you spend an awful amount of money on these people! If you can't afford the courier (which is completely reasonable, don't get me wrong), it sounds like you haven't got an unlimited budget.

Going on holiday with them was not a good idea at all. When 2 families have different budgets and expectations, it is not going to go well. You should have at least agreed on flying at different times and meeting them there. They were right to book without you, no argument, and end of possible discussions.

I think it was up to you to bring them the Christmas presents, you chose it, it's very kind of you, but why should they have to pick it up? They didn't ask you for a massive gift.

Have you still got that thing? You should drop it at the weekend, we are end of April!

Goingtotown the presents were started by their side, like I say they're better off than us so they usually send more extravagant things than we do but I get that it looks like I'm trying to buy them because that's now how it feels with it all coming from my side.

Think I'll take the hint, get the xmas gifts to them then leave the ball in their court. If they want to stay friends I'll let them make the move

Sounds like a very high maintenance friendship. Dh and I don't even get each other an anniversary present, let alone anyone else.

Also, I suspect all this gift giving is down to the wife who was not part of the original friendship group.

Too much. What a waste of time, effort and money. I am guessing she is relieved at the great reduction in her workload.

Friendships really shouldn't be about gifts.

If you are pleading poverty as a reason for not booking the holiday and then lavish huge presents and unecessary hampers on their children I can understand them being a bit miffed.

I think you have to pull on your big girl pants and talk, preferably face to face, but at least a phone call.

@2014newme

I think you're being quite hard on the OP. She's already explained numerous times that she has tried to give them the presents. I'm sure if they asked OP to drop the presents by, OP would do so. Give her a break.

You faffed them about regards the holidays, and they ended up going alone. You sound like hard work, refusing to go three days before Christmas when they found a deal that was good, making Christmas a "deal breaker". You sound like you are trying too hard to "keep up with The Joneses" when you cant really afford it.
I am not surprised they are distancing themselves after you blew them off on the holiday and your dh had a strop about that meet up.

The Christmas presents are a red herring. IF this friendship is as close as the OP says then they wouldn't cool it just over some late Christmas presents.

Besides which OP has been trying to arrange a Meetup since new year and they've been cancelling, added to which they didn't say they couldn't meet to exchange presents, the first the OP knew about it was when a package arrived.

It's clear that they want out of this friendship so I would seriously just back off.

@OP, definitely agree that you should leave the ball in their court.

However, if they're still being difficult about taking the presents, then don't die in a ditch about it, just keep them for your own or other DC.

@chloe84
No, nothing has been done to deliver the massively cumbersome Xmas presents that the op herself chose. The pre Xmas meet up was cancelled. 4 months in the op has done jackshit to get the presents to them but has sent large rocking horses and £45 egg baskets. All very odd.

I think the tide changed back last August.
The get-together six months' ago seemed to go well but something shifted.
Maybe one or both felt slightly suffocated and having a holiday by themselves was enjoyable and they thought let's step back but didn't actually tell you guys?
If you have stated how special an occasion Christmas is to you, won't they have been puzzled when no gifts for their DCs materialised?
Now with your birthday and anniversary having gone by unmarked, the friendship has changed. Are you in touch on social media? Give up spending money and focus on time to chat.
It may be they have devoted time to other friendships at the cost of yours.

Could you text her and arrange to meet up, just the two of you? You can then give her the present and maybe talk about things?

But yes dropping out of the holiday and the op dh huffy behaviour are perhaps more the issue

To be fair re the holiday, they said that Christmas wouldn't work for them but instead of saying that they would book the holiday anyway the couple booked the holiday and didn't tell OP and her DH that they had done so. Presumably that was why the DH was put out.

@2014newme
No, nothing has been done to deliver the massively cumbersome Xmas presents that the op herself chose. The pre Xmas meet up was cancelled. 4 months in the op has done jackshit to get the presents to them but has sent large rocking horses and £45 egg baskets. All very odd.

OP has said she has been 'desperately trying to arrange a meet up to give it to them'. The pre Xmas meet up was cancelled by the friends, not op. So Op has been trying to give them the presents. The present is a big doll's house so can't be posted.

If the friends won't meet up, not sure it's the OP's responsibility to deliver the presents to them, but it may be better to do this and get closure on this friendship that appears to have run its course.

Oh, sorry, I missed the bit about her not wanting to meet up (paragraphs would really help!). Maybe she's embarrassed about the back and forth over this Christmas holiday thing? it sounds like a total ballache for everyone involved, the booking and not booking, and the waiting, and the 'dealbreakers' and your DH being in a huff.

Only you can take the temperature of the atmosphere between you - random internet people can't really judge it. In her defence, I know it's April but time really does whizz by - most of our weekends this year have been munched up by house selling/viewing, family commitments, work... it's very easy to let a few months go by without seeing friends, esp if you speak to them on the phone and feel like you're 'in touch'.

It does seem as if you just need to clear the air and embark on a new friendship level ( without all the gifty things) I would try and arrange to see her. Coffee or something mid way between you and take the Christmas gifts. Talk about the holiday, saying hope they have a fantastic time, just as well you didn't book as now pregnant etc and hope they have a great time. Could they find the pregnancy difficult?

Read the OP.

They talked about booking the holiday in August. OP and her DH said then that they wanted to be at home for Christmas but the couple came up with a holiday which flew three days before Christmas. Instead of saying "we really want to be away for Christmas so actually think we're going to do this holiday on our own instead," the DH booked the holiday without mentioning it. In fact presumably it wouldn't have been mentioned if the OP hadn't made reference to sorting out the holiday to which the wife replied that they'd booked it without them.

If they'd spent weeks looking for holidays, hotels etc and the husband booked the holiday of his choosing without actually communicating this fact to the OP and her DH then I can absolutely see why the DH was put out about it.

I'd take the hint. Maybe it has all become too much for them...it does sound awfy intense all these presents and cards and flowers and holidays and best friends and well...maybe they just want some space.
I believe they have always been willing participants and even instigators in the dynamics of the relationship but it seems they've had enough now. Perhaps the to-ing and fro-ing about the holiday was the catalyst for change. Not that you did anything wrong...but just that it was a trigger for them to pursue their own holiday according to their own preferences and budget and your dh being huffy about it made them feel a little controlled or stifled by the friendship.

Courier is less than petrol.

Maybe they are having personal problems and don't want to have to see you and divulge them?

P.s Not saying I agree with them...should have made that clear. Just that it's fairly obvious they have backed away somewhat.

With regards to the holiday DH and I had had done a lot of running around trying to find something that matched what we both wanted, they were very keen for us to go at first but maybe ended up having second thoughts but the end shot was that although DH agreed to move more into their budget (which was coming well upwards of 8k) so we could go they went and booked it anyway without saying they were doing so until I brought it up with them. If that makes sense? Seemed to my DH that although we agreed in the beginning to meet in the middle that they weren't prepared to - which was fine it was their holiday to start with - but it would have been nice for them to tell us before they booked as we were still spending time looking for things.

And honestly I know I sound materialistic but the gifts really don't bother me it's the friendship that does, we agreed when our kids were born that instead of getting nice things for one another at occasions that we would instead spend it on each other's kids and that's how it's been for years. It's only the sudden stop of this paired with the making excuses not to meet that's been a red flag about the friendship. If yeh gifts were to stop and the visits continue that would be PERFECT for me lol honestly just want to see her and the kids

You can't afford this friendship. The level of gift-giving for anniversaries, Valentines, Easter (!) is completely out of proportion. You are buying these children more gifts than some people on here buy for their own children. A friendship shouldn't depend on matching giving. You said yourself that they are a lot better off than you and you are trying to keep up - why? Spend an amount you are comfortable with and if that seems to affect the friendship then so be it.

As regards the holiday, it sounds like they just got fed up of the to-ing and fro-ing and decided to book before they lost the holiday. From your explanation, I actually thought you meant that they were going to travel anyway on those dates and you and your DH would come out after Christmas if you found suitable dates. Perhaps all the changing around got lost in translation?

Also, had a friend I was close to cut contact recently. Was very much a local friend Mum as in circumstance rather than genuine friendship but we had fun, both instigated things. Family were in wider circle of our friends. They moved 20 miles away so obviously not so local and things would've naturally been more sporadic but she cut contact with everyone except her cousin locally. Was a bit put out but accepted it was her issues and not mine and moved on. But new job meant I would end up seeing her professionally so needed to make contact to ensure there would be no animosity. So I have we met in a group which was a godsend ( could you do this with your friend? ) and won't need to see here again other than small talk if I run into her over work related matters.

Well call her today and,arrange something then.