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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to arrange child contact

55 replies

ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 07:18

long story short..

violent, emotionally abusive ex. have 2 dc together at toddler and baby stage. he got a conditional discharge and restraining order in january for an assault against me. there were incidents involving the children but nothing i can proof apart from some messages where he is apologisung and saying he never meant to do it to us.

now he wants to see the kids and will be taking me to court to do so. i havent got it in me to fight against him when ultimately he will one day end up with unsupervised contact anyway... but would i be unreasonable to cut out the middle man and somehow arrange contact for the kids.

cant work out if im just too broken down to fight against him having any sort of contact or if i know deep down there is no real point as i dont have a hope in hell of protecting them long term and the uncertainty of everything really badly affects my anxiety so would rather just get it over and done with.

OP posts:
fourandnomore · 20/04/2017 07:29

I can't really offer advice but I didn't want to read and run. I think if I was in your position I would let him take you to court as you would have the opportunity to ensure it is all on record and state your case for him not having access. Messages apologising are proof that something happened he regrets so they may help. The priority should be to keep your children and you safe and it will at least delay things. I understand your anxiety and I'm sorry you have had such an awful time. I hope things work out for you.

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2017 07:33

I think you do need to fight the road to unsupervised contact can be long and making it official gives you more rights (when returning them etc)

endofthelinefinally · 20/04/2017 07:34

Communicate only by text or email.
Keep everything.
Explain your concerns re unsupervised contact.
Let him take you to court.

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 07:40

theres a restraining order and hes only allowed to contact me through a solicitor.

i just want the best for my children and cant wirk out if im letting my fear interfer with what is best for them. wpuld have thought after 3 months he wouldnt still have my scared and controlled but apparantly so

OP posts:
Gallavich · 20/04/2017 07:42

No, you should not just allow contact. You're not thinking straight and you're putting them and you at risk.
You must let him take you through the courts.

endofthelinefinally · 20/04/2017 07:44

In that case he should not be texting you. Keep any texts he sends.
You should probably get advice from CAB or Womens Aid.

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 07:45

sorry. my heads a mess as had the police here again last night as he is hell bent on ruining my life but hes just about technically on the right side of the line so they cant do anything. i know how to make him stop which is allowing access

OP posts:
CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 20/04/2017 07:48

Please continue communication through your solicitor. He will take direct contact with you as another way to abuse you.
It's not a popular opinion but I don't believe abusers should have any rights to see their children.

Marmalade85 · 20/04/2017 07:48

Hi OP, I'm currently in a similar situation. Go through court. The best he will get will be supervised contact in a contact centre if anything at all since he is seriously abusive to you and your children's safety is at risk.

Have you got a non molestation order? Do you qualify for legal aid? It's hard but you CAN do this.

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 07:49

hes not texting me.

hes addressing letters/cards to our 2 year old which are actually a message for me but they cant do anything about it.

there have been 6 malicious nspcc reports about what an awful mum i am who wont allow access in 6 weeks.

he followed me round a shop but technically he just bumoed into me.

his mum has been sat outside mine twice in a week.

two seperate neighbours heard someone in my flat when i went on holiday and bith approached ne direct to warn me.

he is scaring me and the only thing i can do to stop it is to sort out contact

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 20/04/2017 07:50

You must protect your children.
Inform the police every single time he harrasses you.

endofthelinefinally · 20/04/2017 07:53

Report his mum too.
That is stalking.
You can get internal security cameras quite cheaply.
Change your locks.

ClopySow · 20/04/2017 07:56

Sorting out contact won't stop him trying to control you, it's just what he's using at the moment. Once you give him contact he'll use that to try to control you. If it's court ordered, he can't fuck around with it.

Dig deep, stick to court, keep reporting. You will find the strength.

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 07:58

the problem is as the police said that until something is provable they cant do anything so he is able to just get away with it.

they did do a door to door last night reiterating to all my neighboirs that any concerns or sightings to call 999 but they are all scared of him too as they used to hear what he did to me and know what he is capable of

OP posts:
ADayGivingMeHope · 20/04/2017 07:59

Move away! You need to do everything you can to protect your defenceless children from a violent dad prick who doesn't deserve to see them.
Please do NOT allow him the chance to harm your precious babies!
Write everything down, keep notes and texts / letters etc, keep everything and if he does somehow find you (get off social media too and only tell people you really trust where you've moved to) when you move then you have something to take to the police.

feathermucker · 20/04/2017 08:01

If you know that there were incidents involving the children, then don't do anything to help contact.

DaysLikeThis1 · 20/04/2017 08:02

I feel for you, it is a frightening and emotionally exhausting thing. When my child was young I didn't want my ex to have unsupervised contact until my dc was old enough to tell me if they were unhappy with anything he did. He started court proceedings but then dropped the first case by the time he did get unsupervised contact, never overnight,(and which turned out to be sporadic) my daughter was, indeed, old enough to tell me of any problems.
It will be tough, but I would fight. Good luck.

Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 08:19

i was offered a place in a refuge 250 miles away but i turned it down because i needed my family and friends. biggest mistake i have made other than putting up with him. now i dont have the funds or means to move.

i want to fight it, im just so scared that im just going to be called a liar and be cross examined by him etc and ultimately loose my kids thanks to him

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdeaeyme · 20/04/2017 08:21

and then what happens when the currently 6 month old baby that he told me he wanted dead more than once, assaulted me.multiple times during that pregnancy including stamping on my belly at 36 weeks pregnant is let lose with him, he hates our son he only wants him to get to me

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 20/04/2017 08:24

Go to the refuge they can help there you will be safe there

user1471462115 · 20/04/2017 08:27

And once he has contact , he will find another way to get tot you, as he doesn't want contact really, he wants you to be scared of him.

Let him go to court......... Bet you a ton of money he won't actually do this.

needsahalo · 20/04/2017 08:28

You are not going to lose your children. I know it's frightening and a very real thought but try and have some faith in the system.

Do you have a solicitor?

Ohb0llocks · 20/04/2017 08:30

Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2772037-ex-wants-to-see-ds-after-a-year-of-no-contact

I've been in the situation, although he has not taken me to court. YET. I received some great advice. Worth a read through.

SpringLake · 20/04/2017 08:30

Can you ask again for a placement?
You need to keep fighting! But, I can understand the need for family support... you'll still be able to call them, right? Are you renting?
I agree with PPs... if you step out of the legal system, your saying he's not a threat to your kids, which could undo what you've achieved so far.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/04/2017 08:34

Im in the same situation

Get a non molestation order it can umbrella the dc- if he then contacts via the kids hes in breach and can be arrested.

You sound like you have loads of evidence and non mol orders are available on legal aid

Wait and let him take you to court. It will cost him and so he may not bother

Court will appoint cafcass/social services to prepare reports on what is best for the children. Request indirect contact first letters etc.. then supervised through a contact centre.

It all takes time. Many men give up as its never actually about the dc but more about controlling you.

Stand your ground.

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