to arrange child contact

[ohdeaeyme]

long story short..

violent, emotionally abusive ex. have 2 dc together at toddler and baby stage. he got a conditional discharge and restraining order in january for an assault against me. there were incidents involving the children but nothing i can proof apart from some messages where he is apologisung and saying he never meant to do it to us.

now he wants to see the kids and will be taking me to court to do so. i havent got it in me to fight against him when ultimately he will one day end up with unsupervised contact anyway... but would i be unreasonable to cut out the middle man and somehow arrange contact for the kids.

cant work out if im just too broken down to fight against him having any sort of contact or if i know deep down there is no real point as i dont have a hope in hell of protecting them long term and the uncertainty of everything really badly affects my anxiety so would rather just get it over and done with.

You will get support in a refuge.
It doesnt need to be forever.
Just to give you a safe place to sort out a longterm plan.

Please go and see a solicitor. I understand that you're worn down, but caving in is not the answer. You may well qualify for legal aid and then you'll have qualified experienced professionals to fight your corner. You're right that there may well be contact in the future, but it's in your interests to delay/control it so that you have some time.

You can ask for a refuge place again. You don't have to stay in that area forever but you need to get away from that house.
Do NOT allow contact. You are 'fortunate' in that there is a lot of evidence of his abuse of you. Let him take you to court.

Take yourself out the equation. What would he be like with the children? If they aren't at risk then why is there no contact? If you think he could harm them then absolutely you must fight through the courts. In all probability, If he's wanting to get at you he won't bother turning up for contact if you agree to it without a fight.

People who abuse their partners or ex partners are harming their children. Making them live in a fearful environment.
So yes these children are at risk.

he used to take my phone off me every single time he assaulted me to prevent me calling the police and then when he calmed down and gave it back he would remind me every single time without fail he will never ever let me go and he sure as hell wouldnt let the kids go.

as for taking me out of the equarion. reality is he watched them both alone just once for an hour and i came back to them all in the garden in their pjs because he hadnt noticed the toddler going in the kitchen and "cooking" a plastic pot so they flat was uninhabitable from smoke and fumes.

he cant keep calm with them, he shook our baby at a few weeks olf and then a few weeks later i walked in from a shower to him screaming at the baby with a clenched fist and he was shaking all over. 90% of the time he is a good dad but the other 10% he is violent and emotionaooy abusive. he has also been using his 9 year old daughter to get at me and he will use these two to manipulate me too.

but this is all so tough to prove

What do your dc benefit from being left with this man. If the answer is nothing or he is a danger to them which from what you have said is the case then you can't possibly just hand over contact. Without a court order in place without wanting to frighten you there is also no firm boundaries of returning them on time etc. Also without a court order supervised visits are very hard to get and you will likely have to pay for them yourself. Let him take to you to court, I suspect it's all bluster, it's another way to frighten and control you.

In the mean time collect all your evidence, you do have evidence you have police reports etc and though no charges have been made everything is logged.

I'm Assuming ss contact you after police are called as they have a duty to when dc are involved. So they should have everything logged to.

I strongly advise you ring domestic violence, they will find you a refuge. Although not nice to begin with you will be safe and as long as you don't tell people where you are he won't find you. They will try and rehome you in the new area asap.

I know it's a very scary time for you and the easy answer is to just give him what he wants but you know that's the worst possible thing for you and dc. You are their mum and you need to protect them the best way you can. You will get lots of great advice on here, please take it.

The most important things you do now is to log everything, report everything and either video or voice record what you can. You also need to recall domestic violence and get yourself moved asap. I know that's distressing and you are leaving behind a life and friends and family but your inner circle can contact you, you and dc just need to be safe and away from this man and family. That's gives you more time to evidence everything, write a timeline, you can rebuild, you are strong, you ltb so you can do this.

Please get the help you and dc need to escape this man, yes it will be hard at first but I assure you life will get better and you know when your dc are older they will understand and they will see what you did for them. As adults they will not thank you for the future this man will give them. They seriously won't. But they will be proud of their strong mummy for getting them out when she did. Sending you and strength. You have already done the hard part of leaving him, see the rest through and give yourself and your dc the safety and stability you all need.

sorry to hear this op

I would push for supervised contact and definitely through court, (can he afford a solicitor)
as you have been the victim of DV you will get legal aid,

as pp said it is best to go through court then there are terms in place that he has to abide to, such as having them home for a certain time, etc & it will definitely give you more peace of mind knowing that he has a court order that states he has to bring the children back to their mother.

sorry just read through your thread properly,

you say 90% of the time he's a good dad?

no good man/dad would shake a baby and do the things you have said!

move away, change your number, or if he sends you something write back not at this address and shove it in the post box?, make him think you've moved away even if you can't right now?.

put a post maybe on fb like 'can't wait to move into my new house!' and make sure he sees it!

As their dm it's your duty to protect them. . Fight every step of the way to keep him away from them or you are failing them!!

he does love her and is capable of being a good parent he just has a temper and is bloody lazy.

i did start down the route of a solicitor for a prohibited steps and a cao for residency but he threw me when he said i was going to need to provide graphic detail of everything, including the sexual assaults the incidents with them, what they have witnessed etc etc and when i started to form a list (got up to 40+ incidents) it was too much to handle. hence now being under a perinatal mental health team for pretty severe depression and anxiety!

my 2 year old is being assessed for a suspexted attachment disorder. this is all such a mess

and i want to protect them, i just see so much about how contact with fathers trump everything else that i dont see how in the long run i will be allowed to kee0 them safe

Call Women's Aid. Contact does not sound like it would be in your child's best interests. If it goes through court you may be able to insist on it being in a contact center.

Re read your own post.

"He shook our baby. . "
He isn't a good dad. .

He is a monster. .

Contact with the father does not trump it in these circumstances but its exactly why they require you Im afraid to list it.

Did you show the solicitor the incidents you wrote down, I dont think everything may be needed in this case but you will need to go down a prohibited steps order and a residency order

i showed him as far as i have got but he kept pushing for more and more detail because its what i will have to do when/if it goes to court.

out of interest when doing messages and stuff as evidence.. do i just need the relevent bits or the entire conversations? theres about 90 pages of just relevent bits. i have been trying to get as much organised as possible.

i have 3 neighbours who have all said they are willing to make statements for court as long as they are protected.. would they he allowed to make statements that are kept anonymous from him?

i know i need to fight it im just so broken down its hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel

Contact with fathers isn't automatically granted at all. There is a big drive recently with women's aid and cafcass to really assess the impact of contact with abusive fathers on children.
If he's 10% abusive that makes him 100% abusive.

It's time to go to a refuge sweetheart. Far away from him.

thank you. im going to fight him, i will start a new thread in one of the other forums soon because im goig to need a major hand hold.

am i bad mum for honestly not wanting him anywhere near my children? im so nervous that the first thing thay will happen is i get told how i dont have their best interests at heart by pushing for no contact woth their dad

I didnt have to go into graphic details at all. Just put an outline in my statement.

The judge never asked for details either.

Social services/cafcass ruled no contact at all. I've been pleasantly surprised with all the professionals so far.

Don't be scared. It can be done.

thank you.

can i just ask.. how do you know that emotionally contact would not be in a childs best interest without trying it first?

my toddler is 2. she has a significant speech delay, and is undergoing the first stages of assessment for her behavioural. she has been described as being an 'angry little girl' and showing 'clear distress' in front of professionals. we dont know its because of him but it may well be.. would they likely take the chance it is him?

You don't know for certain, but based on everything you've written about him, i would say it's pretty safe to assume that contact won't benefit her.

Its very difficult. I bet you feel torn. I know I did. I listened to allegations that I was a woman scorned. Using the dc as weapons....

Its all a smokescreen to hide their own inadequacies. To deflect blame from their own behaviour. I should have followed my gut instinct and moved to protect my dc far earlier but for me the turning point was when health professionals began to make observations. I took her to the gp for nightmares and it snowballed from there.

I felt strengthened sufficiently by the independent advice to fight for what was right.

If your dc is showing signs of distress/anxiety related to contact then cafcass will take that into account. Ask for a CYPS referral.

i think the problem with my dd is that she is 2 so a lot of the suspected issues wont be confirmed until she is a bit older. she cant talk to tell me why she wakes up screaming in clear distress several times a night, she cant tell me why she hits her hand against the wall so much it swells and bruises. her speech is non-existant, currently theres no medical explanation but that doesnt mean its down to the trauma. she has really bad stranger issues with no sense of danger, if she is sad or hurts herself she goes to anyone even if they are a complete stranger in the street.

we have had TAC meetings to try form an action plan and its quite specifically stated in them that she presents as being significantly distressed at times. but she cant talk to tell us why.

its so tricky