to resent the lack of time I get with my DC?

[Hoptastic53]

I have three, soon to be four DC. They are 2, 6 and 8. I recently went part time because of childcare difficulties due to DP working unpredictable hours. I was looking forward to having more time with the DC but I still feel like I hardly get any quality time with them.

Yesterday, for example:

7 - I get up, make packed lunches, shower, feed dogs.

7.35 - wake DC, get 2 yo dressed and ready, then begin the battle to persuade school hating 6 yo to get ready.

8.10 - downstairs to breakfast
8.30-9.10 - walk to school and back
9.30-11 - toddler group
11.15 - 12 - food shopping
12.15-1.15 - put shopping away and lunch
1.15 - 1.30 - stories with DD
1.30 - 2.15 - walk DD to sleep while walking dogs
2.15 - 3 - hang washing out, hoover, tidy while DD sleeps in pushchair
3-3.40 - walk to school and back
3.40 - 4 - get kids snacks and unpack bags
4.10 - leave to collect DD from after school club
4.30 - dentist appointments for DCs
5.00 - exercise dogs while DCs play at park
6 - arrive home and Cook tea
6.30 - 7.15 - eat tea and wash up
7.15 - 7.45 - get washing in and put away, get uniforms ready for the next day
7.45 - 8.15 - get all DCs showered
8.15 -8.35 - bedtime stories
9 - all DC asleep

This is typical of a day though 9 was actually an earlier bedtime than usual. So in total I probably had half hour quality time with my two year old during the entire day, and none with the older ones. Yes, I see them more but I'm always busy and never have time to just focus on them like I want to. DP thinks I'm lucky to be part time but actually he probably gets more time with them even though he's full time. Am I really badly organised or do other people find they have little quality time with their DCs?

[Lim0ne]

Always - Having one ten year old is hardly the same as 3 DC under 10, one of whom may have special needs. No comparison at all. Wait until you have multiple children.

[thinkbarcelona]

You have a lot more time with kids than I do (I work FT)
First of all, do shopping online! I have no idea why people choose to waste 2 hours a week by going to a supermarket.

Also, what does quality time mean to you?

[TheNoodlesIncident]

I do think saying "But you chose all those kids and the dogs" is inherently unhelpful, seeing as the OP has posted more for suggestions/advice rather than a big stick to beat herself with.

If the 6 yo has sleeping difficulties, melatonin may help - worth asking the paediatrians involved with the assessment for a prescription? It is very common in children with ASD (along with difficulties coping at school) so it shouldn't come as a surprise that it's an issue. One child sleeping badly affects the whole family.

There does seem to be scope for the dc to engage with you while they're at home - like while you're making the dinner? Would you not count that as quality time because you don't have 100% of your attention focused on the child? I would still think of that as reasonable-quality-time, especially if there is only one child present to chat with at the time. The same with all the other things you have to do with them - if you are talking with them, listening to them, paying attention to what they have to say, won't they (and hopefully you) find that satisfactory?

(I remember as a child telling my mum about my day, she usually just mumbled "Hm-mm"; clearly she wasn't actually listening and wasn't that interested. It made me sad that she didn't care. As long as you are interested in your dc then they will feel cherished, even if they don't get a lot of your time individually.)

[PegLegAntoine]

It sounds like they are getting plenty of time. Stuff like walking the dogs, tidying up and putting the kids to bed, THAT is what families are built on, the everyday, dare I say boring, stuff. Not a magical one-to-one hour doing Pinterest craft - not that there's anything wrong with that! I just think there's too much pressure for families to prioritise that kind of thing.

And it does get easier as they get older. The kids can pitch in more - even little things like moving the washing to the dryer makes a difference to me. And as they learn to do more chores it also becomes more family time. Not magical 'quality' time but actual time living as a family and all helping to run the home together. Plus it does them a huge favour for later in life if they get used to this stuff younger.

I'm sorry your 6yo is hating school. My two are under assessment for ASD too and when DS was school refusing it was horrendous and the guilt is massive. It must be colouring every day for you. 💐 I have no answers as my solution was to home ed but I know that's not possible for every family.

Agree about online shopping (something else the kids can help with as they get older, choosing items, putting away etc), we don't drive anyway and I have a disability so it was an essential for us.

And Simplicity Parenting is a fabulous book, I agree with that recommendation.

[Starduke]

I agree with PPs that it might your perception of quality time.

DH takes our DSes to the shops every Saturday morning for fresh food. They all really enjoy this moment together - it's their time.

I like snuggling up to them to read them bedtime stories and staying with them until they're asleep.

What would you like to do with your DC that you don't do?

[TelephonicsSuper]

Sounds normal! On the weekdays that i work chucked in commute-work in there from 7.30am till 6pm. too.

I get up earlier though, at 6am which gives me a bit of a breather, to walk dog, stick a load on etc. DP does the same before work. Kids get up at 6.30 - 7am as they hate to be rushed in the mornings, and actually breakfast time can be quite pleasant, chatting etc. while I bobble around the kitchen. They go to bed 7-7.30pm though. Which also gives me a DP a couple of hours without them to relax a bit ( or do work, or read or do more sodding laundry).
Weekends are more fun...

[TelephonicsSuper]

Oh - and do your shop online! It saves loads of time and you don;t end up buying a load of crap you don;t need

[thedcbrokemybank]

Part of the reason some of us have a small family is because we want to spend more time with each of them.

I'm sorry if that is unpalatable.

Yes it's unpalatable because it's judgemental and goady.

We all make our choices in life. Let's hope your circircumstances don't change so that your clearly superior choices aren't compromised. You can be a shit parent with two kids too you know!

[sathyags]

Help Needed in Edinburgh : Dear Friends, We had been to Edinburgh last Saturday and my daughter left her bag in a bus on our way to the zoo. The bag has been returned to the collection centre in Falkirk. We can't collect it as we are back in Darlington, any suggestions/help please?

[Rangirl]

I think you have to ask yourself if you are happy with your working pattern
Do you want to reduce hours/give up work

You are getting a lot of people saying your day sounds normal or better than normal but it really comes down to if you are happy with it rather than whether a random bunch of people thinks its ok

If you are not happy,can you change it.A lot of pp seem to be saying you are lucky to be part time ,and part time is often seen as the holy grail.However there is a counter argument that it is the worst of both worlds .

With 3 kids and dogs and a new baby on the way you are under pressure and fwiw that is likely to get worse in the short term

I certainly found it difficult when my 2 were at different stages,and easier when they were both at nursery/both at school

But I have a small age gap between 2 DC,with 4 you are alwaus going to have some at different stages

Would taking a couple of years off help
or cut your hours

I have always worked part time,but if you are unhappy you should look at all options

I have always needed an hour at night when they are all in bed ,kitchen is tidy etc to chill,if I was you I would get them to bed earlier,but i am not you,you must work out what works best for you


My SIL has 4 kids ,2 dogs,high powered careers,exotic holidays and a huge fuck off house

Everytime I see her she moans about how busy she is

YOLO

[BoboChic]

Four children plus dogs with no home help is a recipe for a very busy life. You chose it...

[FloatyCat]

Sounds Like a completely normal day to me I'm a bit jealous as I would love to go PT but can't, never mind
Whatever your choices are I think we are all wracked by guilt for something.
You could grab some time back by online food shopping, doing housework, lunches, shower etc when kids are in bed. Or failing that chose something which you consider quality time then drop the hoovering and do it.

[Greenlamb]

OP I think you've had a lot of unhelpful advice on this thread.

I agree with a pp part time can actually be harder than ft especially if dp cannot step up or share . Could he condense hours to 4 days or wfh one day etc? Will you be going back to work after mat leave?

Do you already have a dog walker for the days you work? I hope you get help back in return for taking DN to the toddler group that could work well.

I have 3 dc , 2 with additional needs and a high spirited terrible two and we got a dog last year so I completely get where you are coming from . The school run twice a day is so stressful and emotionally upsetting due to my two with additional needs and thats driving . No way could i walk with them ! I chose a large busy family however that doesnt mean it is easy.

Online shopping or use this as 121 time with one of you and one of the children alternate this each weeek.
Sounds daft but have a rota for some special time with each child even if that is a dog walk or out for tea coffee hot chocolate or kids showing at cinema etc.
Get a cleaner if possible . Do oven dinners once or twice a week or picnic tea , beans and toast etc.
Set the alarm even 15 mins earlier to get a head start on the day and most of all be kind to yourelf

[Hoptastic53]

This baby wasn't planned, I was waiting to be sterilised after deciding I wanted to focus on the existing DC, particularly my 6 yo. But it is what it is and we'll make it work.

I'm strongly considering home educating after seeing the difference in her during the Easter holidays compared to this week. She's been under a paediatrician for two years now and I only sent her to school to try and aid diagnosis and get her some support but nothing much has changed, except she's unhappy and everyone else is affected by that. She's awake many times per night which is why I'd struggle to get up earlier. The GP won't prescribe melatonin and DD won't accept DP going to her. Even if I got up earlier, she would then wake and it'd just leave more time for her to get upset about going to school.

I can't afford a cleaner and I only do the bare minimum. My DSIS walks the dogs when I'm working in exchange for looking after DN when she needs a break, I can't afford a dog walker and don't really see it as a chore anyway - we all enjoy it.

DP cleans the car and other pets. He hoovers and washes up sometimes. He sorts the garden and any DIY.

Weekends are more chilled, particularly as 6 yo is happier, but this weekend for example we're going to an adventure playground after school with friends tomorrow, swimming Saturday morning then taking 8 yo to a sleepover in the afternoon. She has a competition on Sunday so her sisters and I are taking her to that and then on to a party. I know I could refuse to ferry to parties and things but it wouldn't be fair on her.

[PegLegAntoine]

Do PM me about home ed if you'd like Hop it's made the world of difference to my two.

[Screwinthetuna]

Plenty of the the things are you doing can be classed as 'quality time' though. What do you mean, playing games/cuddling? Skip toddler group and play with her alone, then sit her with you in the kitchen while you prep food for dinner, so when your eldest 2 are home, you can just turn it on and cuddle with them on the sofa or play a board game/do homework.

I chose to have 2 children so I didn't have to spread myself any thinner. I'm a SAHM so obviously have more time but when I take my youngest shopping, I talk to her the whole time and so that's 'quality time.'

[witsender]

We home ed our two. My 6 yr old is NT, bit found school hugely stressful and it had a massive impact on the family. We are all happier now.

Please don't listen to all the frankly ridiculous comments about how you chose it so shut up, why have so.many kids etc. If you had the choice to send one back then they might have a point! Your issue isn't​ the number of kids,but the number is hours in the day. Have a look at what flashpoints you have in the day and how they can be reduced. School eats a lot of the day

[FrenchJunebug]

less activities for the kids?

[Annahibiscuits]

My 6 yo was being referred for 'assessment'; sensory issues and school refusal, which was very stressful. We changed schools as she was being bullied and all her 'issues' are resolved. So, if you can't Home Ed, could you change school for your school refuser?

[JigglyTuff]

You can but melatonin otc in the States. My GP won't prescribe (too expensive) but is very happy for me to give it to my DS. It's really helped.

[ElisavetaFartsonira]

Could DP realistically do more? You say his hours are irregular, but not how long they are.

[TheFogsGettingThicker]

My DS has ASD and has trouble going to sleep at night. He stays asleep once he's off though. He has a melatonin tablet a couple of hours before bedtime.

The community paed confirmed melatonin would be helpful, and sent a prescription through to the GP to be signed by them.

I don't know if all areas are the same, but in mine the GPs definitely don't prescribe it themselves.

[Hoptastic53]

The GP was completely unsympathetic and said I should just leave her to it.

Thanks Peg, I will

I don't think changing schools would make things better for her, unfortunately. Plus logistically it'd be very difficult as her older sister is very happy at school and so I wouldn't want to move her and getting to two schools in the morning would make things more stressful for 6 yo.

[Annahibiscuits]

The schedule you describe sounds like you have plenty of quality time with your kids. Do you think you are unhappy with something else actually? Are you depressed/anxious? Do you wish you were still working? Etc

I'm a SP to 2, I work nearly fulltime, we have a cat, a dog and a horse...I feel that I have enough quality time, even still. I think your perception is skewed/or you are projecting discontent about something else? The routine maybe?

Have you read a Squash and a Squeeze by Julia Donaldson. Great philosophy which I often remember in times like this