to resent the lack of time I get with my DC?

[Hoptastic53]

I have three, soon to be four DC. They are 2, 6 and 8. I recently went part time because of childcare difficulties due to DP working unpredictable hours. I was looking forward to having more time with the DC but I still feel like I hardly get any quality time with them.

Yesterday, for example:

7 - I get up, make packed lunches, shower, feed dogs.

7.35 - wake DC, get 2 yo dressed and ready, then begin the battle to persuade school hating 6 yo to get ready.

8.10 - downstairs to breakfast
8.30-9.10 - walk to school and back
9.30-11 - toddler group
11.15 - 12 - food shopping
12.15-1.15 - put shopping away and lunch
1.15 - 1.30 - stories with DD
1.30 - 2.15 - walk DD to sleep while walking dogs
2.15 - 3 - hang washing out, hoover, tidy while DD sleeps in pushchair
3-3.40 - walk to school and back
3.40 - 4 - get kids snacks and unpack bags
4.10 - leave to collect DD from after school club
4.30 - dentist appointments for DCs
5.00 - exercise dogs while DCs play at park
6 - arrive home and Cook tea
6.30 - 7.15 - eat tea and wash up
7.15 - 7.45 - get washing in and put away, get uniforms ready for the next day
7.45 - 8.15 - get all DCs showered
8.15 -8.35 - bedtime stories
9 - all DC asleep

This is typical of a day though 9 was actually an earlier bedtime than usual. So in total I probably had half hour quality time with my two year old during the entire day, and none with the older ones. Yes, I see them more but I'm always busy and never have time to just focus on them like I want to. DP thinks I'm lucky to be part time but actually he probably gets more time with them even though he's full time. Am I really badly organised or do other people find they have little quality time with their DCs?

[AppleOfMyEye10]

OP so you are already feeling resentful about the limited time you spend with your kids........so you are having another.

I must be missing something here.

This!!

Also tbh I think you waking up at 7 is quite late. Wake up at 6 and get so much more of the housework, lunches and you could even prep for lunch in this hour. You are very lucky that your kids all go to bed at 9!
My day starts at 5:30 and DS has a problem sleeping so we are up till 10 or past that every night. And then it's constant wakings during the night.
How are you going to fit in time for the new baby ?

[skerrywind]

OP you spend 2 hours food shopping and putting away?

[Pinkandwhiteblossoms]

I do think OP is getting a hard time here but then I have to admit I know women like this in real life, who chose 3/4 children and spend every waking moment complaining about how stressed/rushed off their feet they are.

I do think that with every child you have, a bit of you is diluted. There are pros and cons to this but you might just need to accept you won't get much quality time with them until they are all that bit older.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Agree with everyone who is that you don't feel you get enough time with the three kids you have... so you're having a fourth

Do grocery shopping online when DC are in bed. Don't go to toddler group if you don't want to. Don't do all the after school stuff if you don't want to. It's about making choices that work for you and your kids.

[oblada]

I think you need to redefine what is 'quality time'. For me most of your day seems quality time. The walk, the playgroup, shopping even, lunch, playing in park, even after school activities.. I don't know but for me quality time also includes seeing my children have quality time. It doesn't have to be me and them having a game on our own, it includes seeing them have fun whilst I'm there to supervise or day to day activities like walking, eating, shopping etc it's just about being together really.

[fiorentina]

I think you're getting a hard time but you could simplify things by ordering food online for delivery once they are in bed and asking them all to help you with jobs so you're working as a family. Quality time together isn't all days out and excitement but living life together. I'd love more of that but work full time. Getting the older ones to help with new baby too so that you all spend time together.

[ElisavetaFartsonira]

I have more quality time than you, but that's with fewer kids and no dogs. And tbh, this is one of the many reasons I'd not consider a time consuming pet. But as you're clear you're going to keep them, realistically you have to expect they're another drain on your already limited time and potentially something that will get in the way of quality time.

However, no I don't think you're really unorganised. You as a family seem to prefer the kids out doing stuff, activities that typically involve them doing a lot of physical exercise while you watch. That means you won't be interacting with them, but I don't see it as a bad thing. Suits some kids much better.

I'd also be interested to hear how much housework DP is doing, and the 8 year old at least could manage a few basic chores.

[skerrywind]

Part of the reason some of us have a small family is because we want to spend more time with each of them.

I'm sorry if that is unpalatable.

[WorldShutYerMouth]

Honestly, OP - you're being too hard on yourself. Sounds like your kids have a lovely life. Just being around you and each other (and the dogs) is quality time. What's your husband's contribution - other than financial?

[musicposy]

Home educate the 6 year old? It might transform your life, and that of the 6yo. It certainly did for me and my DC. You'll be amazed how relaxed the day feels when you're not tied to school schedules and all that hands on learning you do makes for amazing quality time together.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

Sounds like a normal kind of me today.
I think a change of mindset in the way you value your time would be helpful. Much of the day is on mundane tasks which is healthy and normal. Until comparatively recently, most mothering was being in the background doing household work but still available for children, and I think we undervalue that in favour of the more glamorous "quality" time. Your younger child is getting that too with parts of the day like the story. They've also got their needs met at the toddler group.

It's not an exciting day, but you're doing what needs to be done and meeting your family's needs.

[PuckeredAhole]

I wouldn't go shopping alone with my kids. Can you not get an online shop?

[thedcbrokemybank]

Op your life sounds very similar to mine. I have 4 dc and two large dogs. I am a SAHM at the moment but currently doing an Msc part-time.
I'd like to say it gets easier but it doesn't. It is relentless and you never feel like you do anything well as it is all done in a rush as someone needs something or needs to be somewhere. I feel like I spend my life looking after my family rather than enjoying them. My dc are asleep by 9/9.30 but by that time I am a so knackered I am incapable of doing anything.
I think the only way to go is try and accept the guilt and let it wash over you. Lower your standards too.

[solittletime]

It also sounds like you have one child that is taking a lot more if your attention because of potential additional needs and this is making you feel guilty. I'm sure if you posted something around those lines people would have been more sympathetic.

Honestly. If you can afford it get extra help and focus on 6yr old until that is sorted and you know where you are. There's enough time in a family's life for everyone to have their turn at getting attention eventually. Sometimes one person has to take priority over others.
Maybe try posting in the larger families topic?

[witsender]

You have plenty of time together, you're just having a shit day because you expected it to feel different when you went to part time. There is nothing wrong with having 4 kids, and your kids sound like they have a lovely life, the issue is in your head.

I too would consider HE, we have all the time in the world with ours because of it.

[Xmasbaby11]

I think that's what you get with lots of dc Nd dogs.

I work 3 days a week and my days off are nothing like yours. I just have a 3 and 5 year old.

Having said that I don't have as much quality time with the 3 yo as I'd expected. In your shoes I'd drop the playgroup and do something one on one.

[Marmalade85]

How are you defining quality time? I think you have a large family plus pets so have to expect a hectic lifestyle. I'm a single mum working full time and I see my son a little bit in the morning, a little in the evening during the week but weekends are all ours just one on one.

[BeansMcCready]

Online shopping - order and get delivered after bedtime.

Your two year old has a long nap, mine is 26 months and is on the edge of dropping nap but only has an hour when she naps - I know all kids are different but try waking her up earlier and see what happens.

Time spent watching other kids activities can be quality time. You can do drawing, or read books or chat.

Time spent doing jobs is quality time, you can sort socks and count pegs, cook together, Hoover together - we have a toy Hoover which both kids love.

Evaluate everything you do and work out what is most important- gymnastics or time with you. It's ok to choose you sometimes.

What can you do in the evenings? I do most serious cleaning and household tasks when the kids are in bed, paying bills, cleaning bathroom etc

It's overwhelming but this is what life is like for kids, it's real life and things need to get done and being played with 24 7 isn't great either

[PoppinsMoppins]

Not trying to be mean op, but you get a lot more time than most. a lot of us have to do all the things you do AND work full time. I actually think you have loads of time with them and are really fortunate!

[endofthelinefinally]

When I was pregnant with dc3 DH did all the grocery shopping. He worked shifts over a 60 hour week.
Sometimes he did an online shop and sometimes he went to the 24 hour supermarket.
What does your DH do to help?

[Gottagetmoving]

This is just your life as it is right now based on choices you have made.
You have three kids and one on the way plus dogs, so of course it's busy at the moment.
Life isn't like the movies.
Any time you spend with your kids can be quality time. It depends on how you deal with it. Children have to school and we have to get them there.
All you can do is re-evaluate how you do things and plan your schedule.
Basically, it's life...many people's lives are similar.
The more children and pets you have, then the less time you have to spare.

[JigglyTuff]

You basically spend all day with your children. I'm not sure what 'quality time' is.

[Dozer]

If you're not married, be careful not to cut your working hours further.

Two parents WoH with 4DC and no family support seems hard, but being a SAHM and not married is inadviseable.

Perhaps with 4DC and both your jobs to consider DP should get a job with more stable hours.

[Lim0ne]

4 DC is not necessarily "too much". It totally depends on the personalities of the DC! Two children can be too much if they're constantly whinging or awkward.

I think the issue here is the school-refusing 6 year-old. OP, if the mornings are a battle, you feel drained and guilty and this sets the mood for the whole day. Also having a child assessed for autism is very stressful.

OP, I totally sympathise as I also have 4 DC. Mine are all school age now. Please believe IT WILL GET EASIER AND YOUR BEST IS GOOD ENOUGH!

I think people put unrealistic expectations on themselves about how much "quality 1:1 time they need to spend with their DC." I've always been a SAHM and do you think I spent endless hours doing play dough or jigsaws with mine when they were pre-school? No I did not.

The benefit of a larger family is that they are never bored and entertain each other. My younger two are much less "precious" than the elder two. They were always happy to sit in the baby chair and just be entertained by the others. They hear the chaos before they come out if the womb and just kind of fit in once out! They grew up much more independent as well and not expecting the world to revolve around them.

Your kids are lucky to have their mum around at the beginning and end of the school day. Even if you're busy in the house doing other stuff, they know your there. Family life is busy but the rhythm of life is reassuring in itself for kids. Having the dogs is wonderful too. My DC's lives wouldn't be the same without our cats!

You can only do your best. You don't need to be supermum, just good enough.

Could you get a cleaner in maybe? You need to make some space for yourself or you will burn out. Think of it less as a luxury, but more of a necessity with 4 kids and dogs.

Or could you use dog walkers at key times in the week?

Presumably you'll drop the part-time job anyway for a while once the baby comes?

I hope your 6 year olds issues can be resolved and can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. Be kind to yourself.

[liquidrevolution]

My day is something like this:

7am wake DD up
7.15am pin her down and put clothes on her/she gets dressed herself
7.30 drop at Childminder (2 days) drop at nursery (rest of week)
7.35 drive 1.5hrs to work
4pm leave work, sit in traffic for aaages
6pm arrive home. DD already home as collected by DH
6.05 cook dinner with DD screaming and clutching my leg (mostly) or helping (rare)
6.45 dinner over, play with DD while Cbeebies bedtime story is on
7pm DD bath and bedtime. Alternate days with DH.
8-10pm more work to make up for my short day because of childcare drop off time

Its depressing. But you get more time midweek with your DD than I do with mine. And you definitely have a cleaner house.