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Original poster

To have checked 15 year olds FB.

93 replies

SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 21:57

Ds (15) asked to stay over at his friends tonight. I know the boy and his parents so that was fine. I felt he was acting a bit shifty and just had a feeling that there was something going on.

Anyway, rightly or wrongly I managed to access his FB that he was still logged onto on his laptop after he left.

It turns out he's going to a get together with all his friends and messages I have seen on Messenger between him and his friends are arranging where they will get alcohol. This is at his girlfriend's house so it looks like he is planning to stay the night and this friend is just a cover up.

In one of the messages he asked one of his work colleagues (weekend job) if he can get him beer and cider. This person said yes and arranged to meet him at 7pm tonight.This is the last message sent.

I know it's a total invasion of privacy but what the hell do I do from here?

I don't want to go all guns blazing like a neurotic mother but thinking worst case scenarios in my head.

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 19/04/2017 23:06

Your family emergency is surely 'you weren't where you said you were so I thought something terrible must have happened' really lay it on thick.

I wouldn't tell him how you found out, every time my mum caught me out and I asked how she used to say 'because I was a teenager once too, i invented these tricks' or 'you'd be surprised what I know' drove me mad, or worst of all 'my friends like gossip too' for years I believed she had friends reporting back what i was up to, its only recent years I discovered it's because my brother was a sneaky little tell tale.

Avocuddle · 19/04/2017 23:09

Sparkly my mums pretty creepy favourite line was that she had eyes everywhere! The eyes were my younger sisters Grin

user1471548375 · 19/04/2017 23:10

If you want him to trust you and not keep things, then consider very carefully your reaction. It doesn't sound like he's unsafe. I'd wait till he returns in the morning and talk about it sensibly. Why it was wrong and expectations going forward.

Screeching round there all guns blazing just means next time, there won't be a trail to follow.

Starlight2345 · 19/04/2017 23:16

I thought my mum was a witch because she found out all sorts about what I should or shouldn't of been up to..You don't need to tell him how you found out in fact better you don't..Simply let him think you are eyes and ears everywhere.

Travelledtheworld · 19/04/2017 23:19

My son did this to me last year.

So you know where he is, who he is with ? I would leave him there. He will be home in the morning with a hangover and when he has sobered up you can give him a hard time over the lying.

You also need to have a serious discussion with him about contraception and under age sex. Are the girlfriends parents in the house ?
And also be prepared to drag him back to the Party house to clean up and pay for any damage that may have been done.

Try not to worry OP.
And as for the Facebook page I think you are fully entitled to see this at his age. Snapchat is worse as the messages disappear so you don't know what they have been telling or showing each other.

Garlicansapphire · 19/04/2017 23:23

I dont have my DCs social media passwords anymore - those days have long gone. But they are very open with me.

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 23:27

I'm unsure what to do. I'm waiting for dh to get home as I have dd here with her friend so I can't go anywhere until dh gets in.

I know who he's with and would say he's safe. As far as I'm aware he's never been drunk before. Hes a good lad generally, his group of friends are very close. Never been in trouble, good school grades.

This is the first time I've had to deal with a situation like this.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 19/04/2017 23:28

So he's lied to you, might be having underage sex and asked an (older?) friend to break the law by buying alcohol for a minor.
Unless you're the coolest mother on the planet you will bring him home now.

keeplooking · 19/04/2017 23:33

This is the first time I've had to deal with a situation like this.

Is it the situation i.e. the partying/drinking that's worrying you, or the cover-up?

Dairymilkmuncher · 19/04/2017 23:35

This sounds no different to the stunts me and my friends pulled years back, don't worry too much op you've made him sound like a decent lad and not acting too different for any other kid that age

I agree the really cool parents are so bloody annoying when it's your kid they are being cool for and sometimes can be irresponsible but they are also sometimes the parents that know where there kids are, who they are with and what they are drinking

Hope he gets in touch soon

Voice0fReason · 19/04/2017 23:46

I'm so glad Facebook wasn't around when I was a teenager!
I would never have had any fun Grin

I'm surprised he's even using FB to arrange things, my teens binned it years ago.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2017 23:55

I have to say that I agree with the PP who said that they wouldnt go nuts about the drinking. Better in a safe environment with friends that in a park or at a big party with people he doesnt really know. I would be doing a drive by to check that it really is a small get together though.

One thing that my sister and I are grateful for is that my parents turned a bind eye 90% of the time that we drank under 18, and the times they didnt was when we were fall down plasterered, in which case they just made our hangovers a little bit worse! It meant that by the time we were 18 we didnt feel the need to go on complete benders just because it was legal. We knew the effects of alcohol, we knew how to behave in pubs because in order to get an underage drink you had to behave yourself and keep your head down. I cant help feeling that this is why so many kids get out of control once they hit 18, because they have no previous experience.

Also, they knew we were safe. We were with others that could be trusted and that trust was never ever broken. And we were honest about where we were going and what we were doing. That played a big part in their trust in us. If we had lied or other parents had lied for us then we wouldnt have had the freedom we did. They wouldnt have lied for another persons child either and I think that the father is an absolute asshole for doing that.

For me the issue is the lie.

MammaTJ · 20/04/2017 00:04

Invasion of privacy is irrelevant age 15. That is clear to my DC now.

Do what you need to to stop this happening,

Solo · 20/04/2017 00:08

lazydog has it right. My Ds 'allowed' me his password to his fb account and several years later he told me he'd not been actively using that one and had another set up so that I couldn't spy on him!

Trifleorbust · 20/04/2017 06:52

I would go and get him and tell him I 'just had a feeling something was wrong'. Lads already think their mums are sort of quasi-mythical beings so I doubt he would question it! He is drinking at 15, so not 'safe' in any sense at all (I know, I did it!).

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 07:41

He was dropped off just after midnight by one of the other girls mums (I know her she's a friend)
Ds girlfriend's grandad turned up at the house and threw them all out last night and they all (10 of them) turned up at her house. Poor woman was cleaning up sick at 1am.

DS went straight to bed, he is going to have a rough day today...

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 20/04/2017 08:43

So is it all out in the open where he was?

MrsJayy · 20/04/2017 08:52

Good for you getting to the bottom of this and getting him home teenagers think we are buttoned up the back , dont tell him you got the info from messenger he doesn't need to know your source keeps them a little bit wary Grin,

Dairymilkmuncher · 20/04/2017 08:59

Agreed not to let on about Facebook because he can just start deleting incriminating messages or setting up another account.

You could also set up find my phone on his phone to put your mind at rest for future

Solo · 20/04/2017 09:21

Grin I hope you were making a lot of noise either side of your update OP. Glad he got home safe and sound.

Gingerbreadmam · 20/04/2017 09:31

no worse punishment than a really bad hangover. offer him a fried egg sarnie with runny yolk the minute you get chance Grin

fwiw he sounds like a good lad who is pushing the boundaries like most teenagers. I would tell him you expect honesty in future and if he acts like a grown up you will treat him like one.

OffOut · 20/04/2017 11:25

I would be cross about being fibbed too. That's not on.

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 11:51

I've woke him up, he's in shower so will be having words. I'm not going to mention the FB thing. I'll just be telling him that I know and that's all he needs to know. I know it's easy saying that I should have his passwords but then he could just mske new accounts on Snapchat or WhatsApp.

I'm going to focus on the lying. He needs to be honest. I know it's experimenting etc but I need to be able to trust him. I think I give him enough freedom, I'm not overly strict, he knows the boundaries he has just pushed them in this occasion.

Having a look at FB now the girls are all flapping about their parents finding out. (Boys were all delivered home) they have all said basically "what were we thinking"
Sounds like they have realised it wasn't the best idea in the world.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 20/04/2017 11:54

He's still a child. You suspected something was happening and you took steps to find out. That's what parenting is about.

GrumpyOldBag · 20/04/2017 12:10

Yup. The lying is the thing. And I agree it doesn't pay to be overly strict and make it clear that you need to know where they are and who they are with and a bit of alcohol under adult supervision is OK.

One of DS's friends had to go to hospital to have his stomach pumped BEFORE his party had even started.