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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have checked 15 year olds FB.

93 replies

SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 21:57

Ds (15) asked to stay over at his friends tonight. I know the boy and his parents so that was fine. I felt he was acting a bit shifty and just had a feeling that there was something going on.

Anyway, rightly or wrongly I managed to access his FB that he was still logged onto on his laptop after he left.

It turns out he's going to a get together with all his friends and messages I have seen on Messenger between him and his friends are arranging where they will get alcohol. This is at his girlfriend's house so it looks like he is planning to stay the night and this friend is just a cover up.

In one of the messages he asked one of his work colleagues (weekend job) if he can get him beer and cider. This person said yes and arranged to meet him at 7pm tonight.This is the last message sent.

I know it's a total invasion of privacy but what the hell do I do from here?

I don't want to go all guns blazing like a neurotic mother but thinking worst case scenarios in my head.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 19/04/2017 22:29

Call the contact number, and tell them that you need to speak to your son urgently.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/04/2017 22:30

Is there such a thing as 'contributing to the delinquency of a minor' in the UK? Because I'd call this dad, raise merry hell, and threaten him with the police for being willing to 'cover' for a minor. Where is this boy's mother? Can you get in touch with her and let her know what her husband/partner is doing?

DH and I found out our DS2 was smoking weed when he 'butt dialed' us when out with his friends. We called him and just said 'Get your happy-ass home NOW. No we don't need to tell you why, just do it!!'. That's what I'd do with your son. Tell him the jig is up, get home, and it's none of his business how you found out.

user1474439326 · 19/04/2017 22:31

Ha ha love it! What will you say when he rings back??

Storminateapot · 19/04/2017 22:33

My teenagers gave me their passwords for social media when set up & know that I may or may not check at any time. Those are the rules. I'd just tell him he left his account open & you know what he's up to.

My 17 y/o I don't check on & wouldn't, she's probably long changed her passwords by now and that's up to her - she's a woman entitled to privacy.

My 14 y/os I would check if I felt I was being lied to & I wouldn't worry about letting them know if I found something like this out.

You're his Mum, not his friend.

Crumbs1 · 19/04/2017 22:37

I think you have an absolute right to access your children's social media accounts- no, sorry an absolute responsibility to do so for this very reason. All this 'privacy' codswallop results in appalling risk, bullying going undetected and parents not have clue what their kids are up to.
If you know address, I'd go round and drag him out by the scruff of his neck. If you have the patents number I'd call it. If he's embarrassed all well and good.

GrumpyOldBag · 19/04/2017 22:37

You need to nip this in the bud.

I caught my DS out in a similar lie about who he was going to be with a few months ago. Now if there's a sleepover, I always text or email the parents of the other kid "to check they're OK with it." Even if I don't know them.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2017 22:42

Sally sorry this is hard.

"Anyway, rightly or wrongly I managed to access his FB that he was still logged onto on his laptop after he left."

"Rightly" I say, he is still a child, your child.

Agree with TrollTheRespawnJeremy "... you called the other parent and he's not there so where the fuck is he?" You worked out he would be at girl friend's house etc.

I personally would not say 'minor family emergency'. How would you substantiate that?

I'd just say I wanted to check he had everything he needed or what would be happening tomorrow etc.

Then I would do an AuntMabel and "...drive there, text him and tell him you're outside and he has 5 minutes to come out before you're coming in?"

Totally agree with cceaser " Pile on the guilt if only he'd told the truth you may have considered it now you can't trust him. Don't tell him about FB."

But one of the consequences of this 'stunt' could be a future agreement that you might check his Facebook status in future after this!

StarryIllusion · 19/04/2017 22:44

"I was not born yesterday. I know people. I also know where you are, who you're with and what you are doing. Get home. Now."

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 22:49

Acrossthepond I'm really angry about that. I would never dream of covering for anyone s children. The boys mum has just recently moved out so I don't think she will have a clue about this.

You're right Storm. I don't need to justify myself or how I know.

I'm not sure User, possibly 'the emergency is someone has been telling porkies and thinks I was born yesterday so get your backside home now '

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/04/2017 22:49

It would be a family emergency when I got my hands on him!

I have made it clear to all of my lot that the one thing that I will not tolerate is lying. And that if they have lied to me about where they are and they need me then how will I be able to get to them?

Would you have let him go to this get together if you had known where it was and perhaps agreed to collect him at a certain time? If so then you should tell him that to make it clear that he is in the shit for lying and not the rest of it.

user1472298115 · 19/04/2017 22:50

"I was not born yesterday. I know people. I also know where you are, who you're with and what you are doing. Get home. Now."

This.

Avocuddle · 19/04/2017 22:50

Starry I was 15 when I first got drunk in very similar circumstances to OPs son and really thought I'd got away with it! My friends dad was also willing to "cover up". Got home and my mum knew and would never tell me how. Turned out a girl I vaguely knew had seen me in the shop at 7am the next morning buying breakfast, who told her mum, who told my mum! Didn't find this out for years afterwards and was very convinced my mum was omnipresent for a long long time 😳

SaltedCaramelEverything · 19/04/2017 22:51

Love your justification of the emergency Grin

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 22:53

Sorry cross posted with a few posts there.
You're all right. I don't even care how he knows. I will be telling him I'm having access to his FB as he obviously can't be trusted.

I'm going to drive round to his girlfriend's street and text him that I'm outside waiting.

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 19/04/2017 22:55

I agree with starry's message.

lazydog · 19/04/2017 22:59

Don't tell him you have access to his facebook!! The mum of a friend of my son did that and now, according to ds1, that kid has his old facebook account, used occasionally, as a decoy, and a new main FB account, with his mum blocked.

ViveLesVacances · 19/04/2017 22:59

He's 15. He's seriously breached trust here. I'd go and kick down knock on the front door.

AndNowItIsSeven · 19/04/2017 22:59

I don't know a single parent who doesn't - with their dc knowledge have all social media passwords until at least age 16.

Garlicansapphire · 19/04/2017 22:59

I'm probably one of those trying to be cool Mums..... But, is it a school day where you are? I wouldn't agree to a sleepover on a school night. And I wouldn't like to be lied to.

But on the other hand I wouldn't go bonkers about drinking as its normal teen behaviour - so within reason I don't go ballistic about it. This means that my kids (a little older) have always been open and honest about what they are up to (and happily do much less than their friends - most of whom seem very druggy in this part of London).

So I'd focus on the lying not the nature of the crime. And I probably wouldn't drag them home if I thought they were safe. Yeah, I know, get the flame throwers out...

Fuxfurforall · 19/04/2017 23:01

He is 15 and still your responsibility. He is not an adult yet. Does he not have school tomorrow?

ViveLesVacances · 19/04/2017 23:02

Ah also agree with the PP. You don't need to say how you found out. Let him think you are all seeing and all knowing. Grin If he knows it was through fb he's just likely to cover his tracks better next time.

CuppaTeaTeddy · 19/04/2017 23:03

Make sure you let him know you know where he is and what he's doing but don't tell him how exactly you found out! All he has to do is make a new Facebook account/delete messages to cover his tracks next time x

Storminateapot · 19/04/2017 23:04

You go girl! His entitlement to social media privacy ended when he tried to take you for a fool.
Privileges are earned and privacy is a childhood privilege earned by trust.

Original poster
SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 23:04

Still the Easter holidays in this part of scotland.

I've obviously dropped the ball on the whole access to FB with his knowledge. We live and learn. It's hard to know how to deal with these situations. I want to trust him, I don't want him keeping things from me like this.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 19/04/2017 23:06

I wouldn't be so sure the Dad would actually cover for your son either. Just because his swaggery mate bragged about how cool his Dad is doesn't mean that's what would actually happen.

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