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AIBU?

To have checked 15 year olds FB.

93 replies

SallyCanWait · 19/04/2017 21:57

Ds (15) asked to stay over at his friends tonight. I know the boy and his parents so that was fine. I felt he was acting a bit shifty and just had a feeling that there was something going on.

Anyway, rightly or wrongly I managed to access his FB that he was still logged onto on his laptop after he left.

It turns out he's going to a get together with all his friends and messages I have seen on Messenger between him and his friends are arranging where they will get alcohol. This is at his girlfriend's house so it looks like he is planning to stay the night and this friend is just a cover up.

In one of the messages he asked one of his work colleagues (weekend job) if he can get him beer and cider. This person said yes and arranged to meet him at 7pm tonight.This is the last message sent.

I know it's a total invasion of privacy but what the hell do I do from here?

I don't want to go all guns blazing like a neurotic mother but thinking worst case scenarios in my head.

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mummytime · 20/04/2017 12:11

The one good thing is you know that his "friend's Dad" is not a responsible adult and is not to be trusted.

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SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 12:18

I've actually taken screenshots of the conversation between them about the dad covering for him. Also of the work colleague arranging to buy the alcohol. This person is early 20's and I think sees ds as a younger brother maybe.

There was also another message from ds to my other ds (18) asking him to buy the alcohol. His reply was "not a chance in hell".

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Boonegirl · 20/04/2017 12:46

I read in a book about raising teenagers that the best you can hope for is that they truthfully tell you where they are, and you must not forbid them to do anything (within reason!). So if they decide they are going out to a friends house on a school day (for example) and will be out late, you have to say "ok, but remember you have to be up for school the next day.'' If they decide to stay out late then they will feel rough the next day and next time figure out that wasn't such a great idea. Also, you tell them that if while out their plans change they must let you know, so (again, for example) if they are going to an early evening cinema with friends and say they will be home straight after but decide to go round someones house they must text you, and you have to just say "okay, thanks for letting me know". It takes the excitement out of pushing the boundaries, makes them realise they are responsible for their actions, and they are being treated like adults. Now, of course, if it all starts to get crazy like staying out all night on school nights then you have to change tack, but it worked for my two teen boys, now in their twenties. You have to trust that you taught them well, and they can be sensible. They no longer have to show bravado in front of their mates by pushing the boundaries as you are cool as long as you know where they are. In addition to that, I would make sure your 15 yr old is fully aware of contraception responsibilities, statutory rape, the dangers of getting drunk etc. Glad it all turned out okay, you never stop worrying!

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GrumpyOldBag · 20/04/2017 12:56

OP, they sound like good lads. You sound like a great Mum.

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User75478973479 · 20/04/2017 13:02

You beer do anything like this when you were younger.

Let him Be! Don't all teens do this?

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SparklyUnicornPoo · 20/04/2017 15:21

well done to your other DS, I have younger siblings and they can be a right pain when you say no (they've taken to asking 19yr old sis these days thankfully)

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UppityHumpty · 20/04/2017 15:55

He already doesn't trust you if he's gone to such lengths to cover up the party. Do you have an open relationship? If not maybe start trying to have one. At 15 he needs to understand why you're saying no and it has to resonate with him.

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SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 15:58

I spoke to him earlier. He said he lied as he knew I wouldn't let him go. I told him that he didnt know that for sure and he needs to be honest from now on.

He apologised for his behaviour and is currently on his way to his friends mum with a box of chocolates and to apologise to her and thank her for driving him home.

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SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 16:03

We do have an open relationship. He is very comfortable talking about his feelings etc. He said he just really wanted to go and he knew I wouldn't let him.

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Chattymummyhere · 20/04/2017 16:13

It a stage pretty much all teenagers go though and the more you say no or bring him back in the better they get at hiding it and making up things to do it.

You best bet is like a PP said pretty much ok to everything but that you want to know where incase they want picking up and to let you know if they will be later than said. You stand a much better chance of knowing the truth that way.

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picklemepopcorn · 20/04/2017 16:42

I find it really helpful to never reveal my sources. I say things like 'it's a mum thing. We have a sixth sense for when our DCs are up to no good!' I also say it is his job to try it on, and mine to show him it won't work. I say it with a wink, and he knows that I will always have his back, won't yell if he slips something past me, but it probably isn't worth the effort of trying.

I'm really lucky though, I've never been put to serious test in the teen parenting stakes, my boys have been pretty sensible. My best moment was when I warned him about porn at a sleep over, he came home next day with 'guess what!' Totally spilt the beans about his mates raiding the mum's drawers, playing with her vibrator and blowing up condoms.

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EZA15 · 20/04/2017 18:23

Sally I think you've handled the situation really well. If I'm in the same situation when my LG is older then I hope I handle it the same way!

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OffOut · 20/04/2017 18:43

OP, I think it's all find and that you handled it well. Id be dissapointed about him fibbing but it's not the end of the world either.

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OffOut · 20/04/2017 18:43

Fine not find

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Me624 · 20/04/2017 18:50

I was a very good teen but I still lied to my parents about where I was on occasion when I knew they wouldn't approve (and yes alcohol was usually involved). It's pretty standard.

Does he have an iPhone? Set up find my friends so you can track him! My DS is only one but that's what I plan to do the minute he's old enough to go anywhere alone with a phone!

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SallyCanWait · 20/04/2017 23:06

Thanks everyone for the advice etc.
He managed to make it to his football match tonight. New team that he's just signed for, I was surprised as he was looking very bleary eyed.

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Spoog1971xx · 21/04/2017 01:38

Did you not do this at 15? If he's not talking about guns and class A drugs let him have his fun and make him suffer a hang over from hell

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Hekabe · 21/04/2017 17:33

This has really made me think about how I will deal with this in the future! Well done thought OP. Tough situation these days with social media.. (thank GOD it wasn't around when I was a teen).

My mother was quite the wild child herself back in the day, so I could never do anything that she wouldnt know how to deal with. She was sensible as a Mum - but had been there, done that as it were. I remember going to a party at 16 and she hunted me down and took me home. Nothing was said - but she came in with alka seltza and a pint of ribena in the morning... and laughed at the state of me after vomiting all night. Cruel... but taught me a lesson. I think we all have to have that first time don't we?

She did teach me before hand what was safe, and what wasn't. What was a 'safer' drink, and how I should stay away from mixing anything... or drinking spirits. I knew about alcoholism and binge drinking as it's in the family so I was wary. She used to drive me to the pub at 15... and pick me up at midnight so she knew I was safe and sound. I think it stopped me drinking or going all out crazy as I knew she'd be there, and I could tell her anything really. Plus she'd grab me a kebab!

Still though, how does one handle the situation when the kids lie. I had better get my game plan in action... or send them to Grandma.