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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give birth alone . . . ?

67 replies

Flowers54 · 19/04/2017 21:10

DH works away; the plan was for him to relocate nearer to home prior to DC4 being born in a few months. He's told me today that he probably wont have a job near to home by the time the baby comes so for him to make the birth it would need to fall on his odd weekend home or a long labour (10+ hours) to allow him to leave work & get home etc . . . I blame myself a bit because if I wasn't so laid back he might have tried harder to look for other work however it is what it is.

My issue now is whether to have someone else at the birth. My mum passed away, so have MIL, aunties, friends, cousins etc who would step in BUT i actually don't know if I want anyone there. (Most are overbearing or i just dont feel naturally comfortable with the thought of them there) Previous births were not straight forward; DH was there and despite his best efforts didn't give a huge amount of support (im probably being harsh because I unfairly compare to how fab my mum would have been). But, childbirth is not dignified; im a prude, im 99.9% only interested in whst midwife / Dr has to say, so is there any point in having anyone else?? I dont want to offend anyone but I know they will think Im mad 'you cant do it alone / ill come / you need somebody with you'.

By the time I've got to the end of this post, the fear of child birth has set in and Im thinking do I need someone with me. Hmm

Has anyone done it alone? Any experiences or just any advice / suggestions?? [I'll be another left over Easter egg while i await your responses] Smile

OP posts:
SleepWhatSleep1 · 19/04/2017 21:13

My Dh was looking after our other children when i had dc3. It was good! I didn't have to worry about his reactions to anything - could be totally selfish and focus on what i was doing and being assertive with the midwife all by myself.
If i had another child i would have it just me and a midwife again.

Leeds2 · 19/04/2017 21:14

I have never been in your position, but I think I would probably wish to be alone too.
Get the inlaws/siblings organised to look after your other DC.

bigmac4me · 19/04/2017 21:15

Oh Flowers, I feel for you...and indeed the fact you must miss your mum dreadfully at times like this.

I wish I had advice, but all I can offer you is to say that asking the wrong person to be with you, would be much worse than being alone (not that you will be literally alone of course).

Hope it works out in the best way possible for you x

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 19/04/2017 21:18

In your position I would go it alone

I wouldn't feel comfortable having anyone other than DH present so if he wasn't available I would absolutely do it alone (with a midwife obviously!)

John4703 · 19/04/2017 21:18

My DW (or ex wife to be exact) have 4 children, The first was born overseas and there was no way I could have been with her, the next two were adopted and the fourth was born in Scotland and I was really pleased and wanted to be there. I felt like a spare part, I did nothing except hold her hand and cuddle her, I loved her and wanted to help but the midwife, and my exw did it all. The staff were brilliant and caring and wonderful.
I'd say if you do not want anyone with you then go for it as the staff, nurses, midwives, doctors, auxiliaries and all know what they are doing and will look after you and your lovely wee baby.

LobsterQuadrille · 19/04/2017 21:18

Yes, I was alone as I was living overseas and ex H had left me. A colleague drove me from work to the hospital and it was absolutely fine (admittedly very quick). After DD was born, I called home - four hour time difference so only my mother - and then a couple of friends on the island who came to visit the next day. I think if I'd had another, I'd have chosen to be alone again. Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

amysmummy12345 · 19/04/2017 21:19

YANBU to go it alone, however if you want someone there could a doula be an option?

KayTee87 · 19/04/2017 21:19

I'd do it alone second time round if we didn't have childcare or dh was working away etc. He wasn't much use first time round anyway to be honest.

motherofdaemons · 19/04/2017 21:19

Can you afford a doula? No problem being alone if that's what you want, but a professional birth partner can be very helpful if you feel you would like support

user1488721675 · 19/04/2017 21:20

I've never done it but I'd be happy to do it alone if I was in your position & DH couldn't be there. I pretty much zone out & ignore everyone when in labour anyway so having to think about others in the room wouldn't work for me.

Libitina · 19/04/2017 21:23

I was also going to suggest maybe a doula? They will support you but will not be overbearing.

SleepWhatSleep1 · 19/04/2017 21:23

I had a Doula for no2 and tbh other than always having someone to pass the gas and air if the midwife was seeing to someone else, i personally didn't find it that helpful. I felt much more empowered and assertive about my wishes when it was just me with dc3. Don't know why - I'm sure there's some psychological reason! Grin

CointreauVersial · 19/04/2017 21:26

I would happily go it alone. You do tend to "go into yourself" during delivery - also you will get a lot of support from the midwife. Better that than a load of randoms filling the delivery room.

Allthewaves · 19/04/2017 21:26

I didnt have to but i was all set with dc3. Dh works away and had not long been in new job so wasn't expecting him to be around. Mil thought she could come (hell no) but said no i want to do it alone as she would need to be with other dc. Best friend was all set to drive me to hospital and get me to delivery room but tbh prob would have got a taxi.

Ended up giving birth at weekend so dh was home, but he was just hand holding during delivery. Then left straight after ti be with other dc.

Vegansnake · 19/04/2017 21:31

I've had 4' and wished I'd been able to say I want to be alone...hated dh being there..hated that everyone assumed it was his right to be there..I was younger then..so do what you want.i wish i had x

Original poster
Flowers54 · 19/04/2017 21:35

Thank you all so much - go it alone it is.

OP posts:
burninglikefire · 19/04/2017 21:38

My then DH looked after the older DC when I had DC 3 and 4, so I was alone. This was my choice because it was more important for me to know that I didn't have to worry about the DC than to have him with me. It was fine.
All the best to you, whatever you decide.

DearMrDilkington · 19/04/2017 21:41

Yanbu. You could always have someone on standby to call in case you change your mind mid labour.

GuinefortGrey · 19/04/2017 21:43

I gave birth alone to DC3. My DH couldn't be there and I didn't want anyone else so alone it was.

HarrietSchulenberg · 19/04/2017 21:48

To be honest, once you're "in the zone" you probably wouldn't notice if anyone was there or not. My exH was present at all 3 of my births and I have no real memories of him veing there at all.

Bluebell28 · 19/04/2017 21:51

I had then H with me first time but as I am very private person I really wasn't comfortable with it , not his fault I just wanted to swap him for a big painkiller. Second time he looked after first dc and that made me less stressed and had much nicer birth. I think men in a labour room are about as useful as tits on a bull

Legofriends · 19/04/2017 21:51

I was alone as DH minded DS. It was fine. As per PPs, it was nice to just do my thing. I was very worried about it, but it was absolutely fine.

miserableandinpain · 19/04/2017 21:52

My partner has never been in the room for giving birth. My choice. We have 3 dcs. Its easier so the other kids where looked after by him and i could concentrate on the labour and not worry about the kids or his reactions or emotions regarding what wohld be seen. 3rd baby was born last week at home and he stayed downstairs with the kiddies. Just make sure you have child care with someone you trust completely and you will be fine. Good luck xx

DowntheTown · 19/04/2017 21:53

I sent partner away for birth of dc1 as he was grumpy and u thought I'd rather go it alone. It was fine, no probs. Did have him there next time but that was C-section with twins so whole different scenario. Go for it!

museumum · 19/04/2017 21:54

In your position I'd hire a doula.
I didn't really notice dh once I got into the birth suite at 8cm but the 12 hours before that would have been lonely alone 🙁