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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give birth alone . . . ?

67 replies

Flowers54 · 19/04/2017 21:10

DH works away; the plan was for him to relocate nearer to home prior to DC4 being born in a few months. He's told me today that he probably wont have a job near to home by the time the baby comes so for him to make the birth it would need to fall on his odd weekend home or a long labour (10+ hours) to allow him to leave work & get home etc . . . I blame myself a bit because if I wasn't so laid back he might have tried harder to look for other work however it is what it is.

My issue now is whether to have someone else at the birth. My mum passed away, so have MIL, aunties, friends, cousins etc who would step in BUT i actually don't know if I want anyone there. (Most are overbearing or i just dont feel naturally comfortable with the thought of them there) Previous births were not straight forward; DH was there and despite his best efforts didn't give a huge amount of support (im probably being harsh because I unfairly compare to how fab my mum would have been). But, childbirth is not dignified; im a prude, im 99.9% only interested in whst midwife / Dr has to say, so is there any point in having anyone else?? I dont want to offend anyone but I know they will think Im mad 'you cant do it alone / ill come / you need somebody with you'.

By the time I've got to the end of this post, the fear of child birth has set in and Im thinking do I need someone with me.

Has anyone done it alone? Any experiences or just any advice / suggestions?? [I'll be another left over Easter egg while i await your responses]

OP posts:

hellomarshmallow · 19/04/2017 23:34

You sound just like your username, jolly how lovely
Reported.

avamiah · 19/04/2017 23:39

Hi OP,
Don't worry too much about it as I think you will prefer giving birth alone, I know i wish I had.
My OH was there and he was just useless and during my 14 hour labour I told him to go home as he was looking more exhausted than me and he really annoyed me.haha
Good luck .
Keep the relatives outside.

Amperoblue · 19/04/2017 23:39

My partner bailed early doors into the pregnancy so I was all for doing it alone. However I did have several friends that offered. Obviously I thought this was an appalling idea....who wants their best mates seeing them have a shit whilst looking full on at an expanding ivergriwn fanny.
However in reality it took days from first to last to get him out. I was very grateful for both sympathy and support and more importantly someone who knew what was happening to talk to. I didn't need "you're amazing darling girl" but I did need " wow this is much better than having my own"!!. It was very calming, slightly funny and actually useful to have women around.

FeralBeryl · 19/04/2017 23:43

Ffs Jolly
** Are you reading the same OP as the rest of us?

OP it's a very individual choice, no right or wrong. Doulas are a fantastic resource if you can afford one. Or a mumsnetter

Please don't feel any responsibility for being 'laid back' it's what will get you through whatever you choose to do.
I'm sorry your lovely Mum can't be with you.
I realise no one will ever compare

avamiah · 19/04/2017 23:53

Yes I'm sorry your mum can't be there with you.
Xx

zonkin · 19/04/2017 23:59

I had my 4th alone. Was a planned c-section (after complications from my previous 3 deliveries). All childcare in place but I went into labour early, bleeding, etc and ended up with him and the kids dropping me off i the early hours at the hospital whilst he went to get back up.

By the time he turned up 3 hours later I had given birth by emergency c-section. Although I was terrified, the staff were fab and once I was in there it just felt like it was meant to be. DH turned up to find me and DD2 on the recovery ward, all serene.

On reflection, I think it was actually better that it might have been a better experience than if he had been there.....

zonkin · 20/04/2017 00:02

Arrghh, should have previewed.

On reflection, it was a better experience than if he was there. Looking back on the previous 3 deliveries, although caring, he kind of annoyed me.

Runningbutnotscared · 20/04/2017 00:05

FWIW I had dc2 on my own and the only difference between birth no.1 (where dh was there) and birth no.2 (where he was on a train trying to get there) was in the hour or so after the birth.

When the mw leaves you alone to get to know your baby and I was too tired to pick her up really. With no one else there she lay swaddled in the cot. Perfectly content, but not in the loved way the movies, or even OBEM, would have you believe happens. It felt a bit lonely and sad.

She is fine though, and very much loved. Both dh and I love her to bits.

If you want to do it alone I am sure you can.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

TheWernethWife · 20/04/2017 19:24

I had all my children in hospital with midwives, my husband was neither use nor ornament. I felt safe and secure with just women around me.

Instasista · 20/04/2017 19:27

I would happily birth alone with just the midwife. In fact I didn't want her there- I just wanted to be alone. I tried to leave the hospital about 4 times to go home where I had built a den 😭

fourquenelles · 20/04/2017 19:33

DD was 3 weeks early and arrived 4 and a half hours after my waters broke. I couldn't get hold of anyone so had her with just the medical people around. I was fine, she was fine. You'll be fine!

Allthewaves · 20/04/2017 19:50

Also could you r dh be phone contactable. Our plan was if I went into labour would be to do it solo BUT with dh to be contactable incase any medical decisions needed to be made if I wasn't fit to make them

Mollyboom · 20/04/2017 19:56

Yes, just me and the midwife. Far less of a circus. Each to their own but in my view men add very little to the process.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 20/04/2017 20:35

DH openly told me he didn't think he could watch me in pain when we started TTC our first and we agreed to just see how things went. No Mum, no sister etc. He stayed with me for a little while but left when he couldn't stand it anymore (with my blessing), he was still in the vicinity though but the midwife refused to let him back in after DD was born "he clearly isn't interested in you BuggerOff", it took me a while to persuade her to let him meet his daughter!

Then when it was time for DS to put in his appearance he had to take care of DD so after they took me to the hospital he went home with her.

He never saw me poo during contractions, he never saw me lose my temper with a consultant who clearly hadn't read a VERY important detail in my notes, he never saw me throw up over a student midwife!

He DID adore his children immediately and never had any problems bonding. PERSONALLY I found it wonderful to not have to think about anybody other than me and my baby and would recommend it.

OutComeTheWolves · 20/04/2017 20:59

I accidentally gave birth without dh (went from 2cm dilated to 10 ridiculously quickly). I wouldn't necessarily choose to do it again but it was fine. I certainly don't feel like I missed out or anything.

Mordenapple · 20/04/2017 21:27

I had a doula with me for my home birth - only one midwife turned up in time, and even then only 20 mins before dd was born. I ended up choosing to spend almost all my labour (pretty quick, about four hours) on my own - it felt right to me but of course I can understand that some people would prefer to have someone there. I found I was able to kind of go into myself which helped with the pain and allowed me to stay calm. i was hypnobirthing so doing my best to stay relaxed and not think too much. It worked, except for the last half hour when I went into a fully panicking adrenalised state, (but I think maybe you need the adrenaline for the pushing?)

TheWernethWife · 21/04/2017 09:06

I had all my children in hospital with midwives, my husband was neither use nor ornament. I felt safe and secure with just women around me.

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