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AIBU?

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Original poster

Exh and this evenings drop off

51 replies

nigelforgotthepassword · 18/04/2017 20:37

Long, sorry.Exh had our two girls today as they don't go back to school until tomorrow and I was at work.
Dd1 (11)has had a lot of homework to do over Easter as she is about to do her SATS. She had done all but three bits and the plan was that she would do the remainder today. He tends to do the maths with her as I am rubbish at Maths, and me the other stuff as Im better at helping with that if she needs it.She had Maths left to do.
I got home at 6pm and exh arrived shortly afterwards with the girls.
Dd1 announces she still has homework to do. Exh took her shopping this afternoon and so she hadn't done it.She gets it out and starts doing it.At this point exh realises he has forgotten some stuff for the girls and goes back home to get it, returning half an hour later. Dd1 is still doing her homework, at which point he sits down and starts helping her.I am trying to sort stuff for tomorrow and about to take the Dog for a walk. I don't really like having him in the house more than he needs to be and especially when I'm not there, but I go anyway as I've got loads of stuff to do later.
At this point dd2 (nearly 10) starts moaning that there is no fruit she likes for her snack, and demanding to go to asda to get some. I say no-she can do without the thing she wants which is also pretty expensive-she can live without it and eat what I do have-lots of other fruit that she likes.Dd2 has been quite grabby and demanding lately and I want to try and nip it in the bud.
I go to take the dog for a walk and say bye to exh, thinking he would've gone by the time I get back.
I get back, at about 7.20-he is still there.Dd1 has finished her homework.dd2 is still mithering for said fruit.
I again say no and send her up for a shower-she refuses initially and has a bit of paddy re fruit etc, and it emerges that's whilst I've been out, ex has said he will
Go and get her some fruit if she gets in the shower. I again say no and tell her to go and get in the shower. She eventually goes.
I quietly say to exh-that I don't feel it's the correct thing to get her what she wants every time she demands it, to bribe her into having a shower-she needs to do that anyway when asked, and to undermine me when I've said no.
Honestly by this time I'm getting fed up-it's 7.40 and he has been 'dropping them off' for over an hour and a half.
He then says he is going to Asda for the fruit.I say please don't. He leaves and I go up and chivvy dd2 into the shower.
He returns 10 minutes later with the bloody fruit.
I say to him, now quite exasperated that I don't want it-she is now in the shower and I've said no, and I'm sticking to it.
He replies, very arsey-that I can give it her tomorrow then, he's 'only trying to save me a problem with her'. I say 'but it's causing a problem the next time this happens-its ridiculous to pander to her when she is being spoiled and making demands like that'.He tuts and stalks out.
Aibu to a) be slightly cross that he has managed to spend an over an hour and a half in my house, uninvited,and b) that he has ignored everything I've said re dd2 and the bloody fruit.
I just wanted a nice evening with the girls after what has been a long day at work.Its not 8.30 and dd2 is still low level stroppy re the fruit and has managed to use all the hot water so dd1 can't have a shower...sigh.

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 18/04/2017 20:42
Flowers
PeaFaceMcgee · 18/04/2017 20:44

Trying to wheedle his way back in...

limon · 18/04/2017 20:46

Yabu. Pick your battles.

Allthewaves · 18/04/2017 20:51

Very irritating. He doesn't get your putting boundaries down and he thinks he's helping - something my dh would do and drives me crazy

TheUpsideDown · 18/04/2017 20:52

Personally I think its good he stayed to help your DD1 finish her homework. I know it was in your home, and I appreciate thats not ideal for you. But he could've just buggered off and left you to do the homework with her.

I do think it was unfair of him to undermine you about the fruit demand though. My DS is going through a similar demanding entitled phase that I'm trying to nip in the bud but other people like PIL keep undermining me. Its very frustrating and is prolonging this phase.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 18/04/2017 20:54

To be honest, I don't see why this escalated so big over some fruit. Your couldn't be arsed to get it. Ex did. Hardly like it's 10 stone of chocolate she wants to eat Hmm

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 18/04/2017 20:54

I do get the undermining bit but i don't see that it had to turn into that iyswim

trappedinsuburbia · 18/04/2017 20:58

Agree with TheUpsideDown.
I get that your annoyed he was in the house, but at least it got the homework done.
Thats the sort of thing my ex would do re the fruit, its bloody annoying but in the scheme of things it could be worse.

KC225 · 18/04/2017 20:58

Irritating but as someone further up said, choose your battles

TheReefer · 18/04/2017 21:01

Hmmm I have to say that this really isn't about the fruit

It is about control

You say you don't like having your ex in the house - but have him there anyway for 1.5 hours without saying anything (he wins that battle), but are happy to engage in battle over a piece of fruit (you win that battle

I think you need to have a chat about what 'dropping the kids off' means. You don't have to have him take root in your house for the evening.

FanaticalFox · 18/04/2017 21:01

Sorry but i have to know - what fruit is it that is expensive but she really wanted? I must know!

TheReefer · 18/04/2017 21:03

I want to know, if the kid is hungry and wants a snack, why fruit is off the agenda? what snack is offered then? Why such drama over food?

It is not a healthy attitude to have with kids over food, turning food into control, brings unhealthy eating habits in later life

theduchessstill · 18/04/2017 21:08

I sympathise with you entirely. This is exactly the sort of thing my ex would do/has done, and I think unless people have been in the situation they can't understand how infuriating it is.

He should have done the homework with her today, rather than playing 'good guy' taking her shopping. I think he engineered that knowing he would then have an excuse to be in your home. That could be because he wants to worm his way back in or just a control thing - you will know which.

I know it is very hard, but I would try and move towards doorstep handovers - he really shouldn't be coming into your home at all. I found that transition very hard to make, and there are still occasions when my ex comes in, but it's only for specific reasons. Also, and I'm not saying this to be critical, I would really avoid 'using' (I don't mean it pejoratively) him as an 'extra pair of hands', although I do know how hard it is on your own so I totally get why you did. But really (unless there are SN/other factors) if your youngest is 10, the two of them should be ok at home while you take the dog out, or, if not, youngest has to go with you while dd1 does homework. I have had to move away from allowing ex to 'help' in this way, and, though it has sometimes made things more difficult on a practical level, it has been much healthier for me from an emotional perspective not having him hanging around interfering.

Hope I'm not projecting too much OP - your thread really did resonate with me, right down to me being bad at maths! H

TheUpsideDown · 18/04/2017 21:11

TheReefer I dont think the OP is preventing her DD from having any fruit, its that her DD was demanding a specific fruit that they didnt have in the house and insisting a parent goes out to the shop to get for her. But there was other fruit in the house her DD likes and could've eaten instead.

Im with the OP on this. Such a demanding attitude, where a child expects a parent to drop everything and run to the shop for her specific request of fruit, when she could have just had an alternative piece of fruit shouldn't be entertained imo.

KayTee87 · 18/04/2017 21:13

It's annoying but all he really did was help with homework and go to the shop to buy fruit so I'm not sure there's much you can say to him without looking very unreasonable.

theduchessstill · 18/04/2017 21:17

There are plenty of fruits that are more expensive than average, and OP says there was other fruit available that the dd likes.

Original poster
nigelforgotthepassword · 18/04/2017 21:18

Fruit isn't off the agenda.As I said there are plenty of alternatives to want she was demanding.
In the house right now are Oranges, fresh strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apples, satsumas and frozen mixed summer fruit.That I could and was 'arsed' to go and get for them during my lunch hour.None of that was apparently acceptable to dd2, as what she wanted was frozen raspberries-which she likes to eat without them being defrosted from the packet-which probably isn't particularly healthy either.
It's not really about using food as control-in fact they can help themselves to whatever is in the house.Its about a child demanding that I drop everything and go to asda to get her something, and not even asking in a particularly nice way.I am trying to give her the message her she cant get exactly what she wants every time she demands it.

I take the point re the homework-I probably was annoyed that he was in the house for so long.Although it might have been better to do it during the day as planned rather than leaving it til this evening. It's annoying having to do homework with them when you can be doing fun stuff-but it's what I've had to do over the holidays at times-just the way it is.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 18/04/2017 21:19

theReefer

I want to know, if the kid is hungry and wants a snack, why fruit is off the agenda? what snack is offered then? Why such drama over food?

If you RTFT, you would know. OP has plenty of fruit in the house that DD2 likes and could have had, but DD2 was insisting on having fruit OP doesn't have, and demanding someone go to Asda to get it for her. The fruit is also quite expensive (guessing raspberries). DD2 needs to learn that people won't jump to do her bidding.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 18/04/2017 21:21

YABU - I would bloody love to have a DH who helped with the DC's homework and volunteered to go to the supermarket without being nagged and nagged and nagged to go.
misses point of thread entirely
need new DH

Religionorno · 18/04/2017 21:24

Drop offs should be just that, drop off at the door, you standing there to welcome kids back in, close door. Don't know why you let him in to do the Maths homework, even if it's not your subject.

theduchessstill · 18/04/2017 21:26

NotInMyBackYard1 It's really not funny you know, dealing with difficult exes.

Original poster
nigelforgotthepassword · 18/04/2017 21:27

He definitely isn't trying to worm
His way back in...
I wasn't using him as an extra pair of hands-I very much avoid doing that-I just needed to take the dog out as he was going crazy for a walk and I knew I would be a while getting the girls in the shower later-plus I have some work to do for tomorrow so a finite amount of time this evening.Im fine to leave them alone and assumed he would go whilst I was out.

OP posts:
TheReefer · 18/04/2017 21:27

Why did you post the question, if folk are only allowed to agree with you, OP?

Original poster
nigelforgotthepassword · 18/04/2017 21:29

Um, I've said I take
The point about the homework. I haven't taken objection with anyone disagreeing. I was accused of making food a control issue and not allowing dd2 fruit as a snack, so I pointed out that that wasn't the case I think?

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 18/04/2017 21:31

It's good he cares.you are both clearly great parents working together for yr girls,let it go..this way is better for them...he sounds a lovely involved dad.you sound like a solid supportive mum..they need you both..don't fall out xx

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