Exh and this evenings drop off

[nigelforgotthepassword]

Long, sorry.Exh had our two girls today as they don't go back to school until tomorrow and I was at work.
Dd1 (11)has had a lot of homework to do over Easter as she is about to do her SATS. She had done all but three bits and the plan was that she would do the remainder today. He tends to do the maths with her as I am rubbish at Maths, and me the other stuff as Im better at helping with that if she needs it.She had Maths left to do.
I got home at 6pm and exh arrived shortly afterwards with the girls.
Dd1 announces she still has homework to do. Exh took her shopping this afternoon and so she hadn't done it.She gets it out and starts doing it.At this point exh realises he has forgotten some stuff for the girls and goes back home to get it, returning half an hour later. Dd1 is still doing her homework, at which point he sits down and starts helping her.I am trying to sort stuff for tomorrow and about to take the Dog for a walk. I don't really like having him in the house more than he needs to be and especially when I'm not there, but I go anyway as I've got loads of stuff to do later.
At this point dd2 (nearly 10) starts moaning that there is no fruit she likes for her snack, and demanding to go to asda to get some. I say no-she can do without the thing she wants which is also pretty expensive-she can live without it and eat what I do have-lots of other fruit that she likes.Dd2 has been quite grabby and demanding lately and I want to try and nip it in the bud.
I go to take the dog for a walk and say bye to exh, thinking he would've gone by the time I get back.
I get back, at about 7.20-he is still there.Dd1 has finished her homework.dd2 is still mithering for said fruit.
I again say no and send her up for a shower-she refuses initially and has a bit of paddy re fruit etc, and it emerges that's whilst I've been out, ex has said he will
Go and get her some fruit if she gets in the shower. I again say no and tell her to go and get in the shower. She eventually goes.
I quietly say to exh-that I don't feel it's the correct thing to get her what she wants every time she demands it, to bribe her into having a shower-she needs to do that anyway when asked, and to undermine me when I've said no.
Honestly by this time I'm getting fed up-it's 7.40 and he has been 'dropping them off' for over an hour and a half.
He then says he is going to Asda for the fruit.I say please don't. He leaves and I go up and chivvy dd2 into the shower.
He returns 10 minutes later with the bloody fruit.
I say to him, now quite exasperated that I don't want it-she is now in the shower and I've said no, and I'm sticking to it.
He replies, very arsey-that I can give it her tomorrow then, he's 'only trying to save me a problem with her'. I say 'but it's causing a problem the next time this happens-its ridiculous to pander to her when she is being spoiled and making demands like that'.He tuts and stalks out.
Aibu to a) be slightly cross that he has managed to spend an over an hour and a half in my house, uninvited,and b) that he has ignored everything I've said re dd2 and the bloody fruit.
I just wanted a nice evening with the girls after what has been a long day at work.Its not 8.30 and dd2 is still low level stroppy re the fruit and has managed to use all the hot water so dd1 can't have a shower...sigh.

Sounds like a good Dad to me! ExH's can never win on MN!

Of course, I completely agree with you, the issue is all your EX. How bloody dare he help your daughter with his homework, and buy her food

HOW VERY DARE HE.

I'm sorry but if he was no longer living at the house and acting like that, no way would he be coming in again.

Let him parent the way he sees fit and you the way you feel fit and ffs don't parent together. Was this the main reason he's your ex?

Sounds like PA behaviour -- determined not to co-operate with you OP re the homework (surely enough time in day to complete homework and go shopping) and re DD2's unreasonable demands.
I fear from my own experience that you'll never win as ex will delight in thwarting you.

He had all day to help her with her homework. Why did he wait until the very end of the day? I would be interested to know if it works both ways - does the OP go into his home when she drops off? Does she undermine his decisions?

ExH's can never win on MN! The place is rife with apologists for them in fact.

You had raspberries in the fridge already, why didn't you just stick some in the freezer for tomorrow for your DD2? No need for anyone to go & buy already frozen ones and no issues. 🤔🙄
YABU & making mountains out of molehills.

I did do that pengymum, but that didn't solve issue of dd2 refusing to get in the shower because she didn't have frozen raspberries there and then.

TheReefer-I've said twice I take the point about the homework aspect.
And I actually never said anything to him in person about the homework at all.
I said here that I found it annoying that he hadn't done it with her earlier, as planned, and that he was in the house for an hour and half doing it this evening.
Ive asked was I being unreasonable re that and I've taken the opinion that I was.
I've also asked it is unreasonable that he appeared to undermine me re pandering to DD's demands for the one fruit I didn't have in for her.Opinions seem mixed on that.

Unless you are actually my exh, im not sure why you are being so aggressive really?

Then he should have left you to it. Not undermine you. In that case YANBU!

The duchess- I take them upstairs-he lives in a flat-so I carry their stuff up-go and say hello-I think it's important they see us being civil-and then leave.
I don't want encroach on his time with them, and I don't particularly want to be in his flat for any amount of time-it's his space not mine.
I try not to undermine his decisions. And I very rarely question him on what he does with them on his time. The break up has not been amicable and I try to avoid questioning him as far as possible.

I go to take the dog for a walk and say bye to exh, thinking he would've gone by the time I get back.....I get back, at about 7.20-he is still there

So you expected him to leave a 10 and 11 year old at home alone whilst you were out walking the dog?

You ^allowed* him to stay and help with homework.
You could very easily have spoken up and asked why both he and your dd had prioritized shopping over homework?

You could have told them to sit in his car and do it if you didn't want him in the house.

Re the fruit - you could very easily have spoken up and told him it isn't his 'time' so he doesn't get a say in it.

You didn't have to open the door when he came back.

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill when it could have been sorted with assertive communication.

Yes-I frequently leave them home whilst I pop to the shop for twenty minutes/walk the dog.They walk twenty minutes to school on their own daily and the same back.
He also leaves them alone for up to an hour at times. Neither of us, or they, have any issue with that.

It's would be pretty harsh to refuse to let the girls dad in though? Or to make him sit in the car with her to do her work? Might not be the best thing for them to see.I don't like him.But he's still their Dad.
As a rule during drop off he comes in, says hello, goes.As I do when I drop off at his house. He sometimes still walks in as if he still lives here-which is annoying.And other times as per this evening he stays, for me, far too long. Probably good for the girls however so I don't say anything.It was the whole going to asda when I had said no to dd, that really annoyed me today.
None of what I did say (about the fruit-I didn't even mention the homework to him in person-I am just internally annoyed-unreasonably I now think re that) was said within ear shot of the kids.

I don't think it is actually good for the dc to have this sort of thing going on. Even though I'm sure you didn't discuss it in front of them they will be able to pick up on tension and one of the benefits of splitting is that they don't have to be exposed to it.

You may be happy with him coming in briefly but if he pushes boundaries, which he clearly does, it may be better to establish something more clear cut - like he doesn't come in. The dc can still see you being civil with each other without him coming in.

YANBU.he should have had the maths done instead of taking her shopping,and no way should he have undermined you about the fruit.Your house,you said no-end of story.You are totally right to be annoyed,if he had the homework done instead of being super dad out shopping today then this evening OP could have had a pleasant evening with the girls rather than this nonsense.Annoyed on your behalf OP.

Op I totally understand why you are frustrated, I have an exh who irritates me.
On paper, it sounds like silly little things tbh. But it all adds up. My exh undermines me and attempts to invade my personal space, I hate it. Yes, he is my ds's Father and yes I am friendly towards him in front of ds, but he made my life a misery and I don't want him sitting around in my home or undermining my parenting.

Hollocks yup! Super dadding on his time, then trying to make up for it with the display of helping with homework and offering to get dd whatever she wanted so that he looks the good guy. Turd.

You might be right duchess... That makes me sad though. I was determined this was going to be an amicable break up-other stuff has happened that has made that more difficult-but we have mostly remained ok in front of the kids.We have even managed a few days out-and even Christmas- all together which I and I'm sure he, have found hard-but worth it because the girls enjoyed it. I figure we are going to have to have some sort of basic relationship for them for a good while yet, the friendlier the better and I am trying-but some days, like today, are infuriating.
If he would just stick to drop off, say hi, go, all the time unless we have specifically planned something more, then I guess we wouldn't have these issues.
He used to have a key which he no longer does and that is certainly better but perhaps doorstep drops are the way to go for now. Just not what I or he wanted but perhaps we were being too idealistic.

Yanbu.

In fairness he has apologised via text now for putting me in that situation and also texted dd2 to say he agreed with me and that she could only have the fruit he got her when I said so.

So...That was decent of him.I will think on the advice around drop offs and what's going to work best.Thankyou for your thoughts everyone...
I'll forget it for now and hope for better tomorrow. I'm off to freeze a Punnet of raspberries...🙄

He is trying to worm
His way back in I think

Follow all the good advice about boundaries, and sounds like you
Are doing a very good job of being civil - well done !

Personally I think you both sound like lovely parents, both trying to do whats best for your kids and trying to minimise the stress of the split for them.

I wish my parents had made this kind of effort to keep 'collateral damage' to a minimum when they split. Instead our lives were made more of a misery than when they'd been together. The stress, tension, pushing-&-pulling us in every direction because they didn't like each other and refusing to be amicable ruined our childhoods. Their hatred for each other outweighed their love for us and the war went on for years!

You're both trying your best. Well done for that. I just think you need to communicate a little more with him to set some firm boundaries. If your DDs take homework to him it must be done at his home. Not ignored to do nicer things until he drops them off, then outstays his welcome in your home. I understand it crossed a line to stay an hour and a half. I'm just pleased to hear he didn't just waltz off and leave it to you.

And obviously discipline and not undermining each other will need to be addressed a little more. He's probably trying to overcompensate for no longer being a resident parent any more, and giving in to your DD to make her happy. But ultimately it will cause a spoilt entitled attitude and she'll try to run rings around you both and play you off against each other to get her own way. You may not be together but you still need to be a united front on the discipline.

I think you're doing a great job though OP

Re the homework - don't know what the split was over the holiday between OP/ex but if DD has 3 pieces left for KS2 SATS that rather shouts of "leaving it to the last minute". If I was in ex's shoes I'd be annoyed that the homework had all been left to do with me rather than being more spread out! And I can see why he felt he had to get the fruit rather once he'd promised it ... probably he thought he was helping you out!

I would be more annoyed that my dd had been given so much homework to do over her Easter holiday tbh.

It was kind of her dad to stay and help and to also go to the shop for the fruit.

YANBU.

This is absolutely what my ex would do - all wide eyed disingenuous 'but I was only trying to help!', that, in fact:

1. invades your space like a dog marking his territory
2. means having done cool shopping not boring old homework himself, you are immediately the Fun Sponge who has to get your tired kid to sit down to it
3. presents you as a miserable bossyboots who won't even get your daughter the snack she likes BONUS POINTS to him because it's healthy fruit you are refusing to supply! & he can zip off in 10 minutes & get it & ta dah! Be Superdad again!
4. sends you off to bed tired, pissed off & with a subtext of doubting your own judgement, whilst he has had a lovely evening being The Nice Guy helping out his ex who is obviously struggling, poor dear.

Sorry OP, you've been played like a fiddle. Door step handovers in future - think of it like a vampire that has to be invited in & then you're stuck with it - you wouldn't let him in to drain you if he rocked up in a cape & fangs, right? .

Same thing - this crap saps your energy so nip it in the bud.