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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to make amends..

82 replies

PurpleDove · 17/04/2017 18:14

I will try and keep this relatively short and fill in what I think is required.

DH and I have been married just under a year and decided to elope. Numerous reasons, financially we don't have a lot between us, he had a cancer scare which thankfully turned out fine but will need some surgery in the next year and we both felt the marriage was far more important than the actual "wedding day". So we had no one attend apart from two witnesses unknown to us. His family were cool, relaxed and supportive about the whole idea as were friends and unfortunately only a couple of family members my side.
My mum, my sister and brother were both extremely angry and upset and made sure we knew. We were aware it would probably cause hurt to some but tried to explain our reasons that if we didn't do it this way we probably would never "get married". The wedding idea does not suit either of us.
My DB point blanked refused to speak with me and only contacted me to say I was no longer part of the family, I am incredibly selfish not to include anyone and all I think about is myself (he's single). My DS remained quiet but had a few things to say behind our back. She has also from day one of meeting my now husband has been fairly judgemental. Questioning why I chose him, I spend too much time with him, I drink too much with him (we had a few crazy couple months together going on holiday, vineyards but nothing of a daily worrying alcohol abuse nature!) enough for my parents to have tried to reassure my partner and I that they will come round (this was before we got married). I am still unsure exactly why and what it is they dislike so much about my choice of partner and relationship. He is truly an amazing man.

I left them be and discovered we were pregnant late last year which I wanted to reach out and share the news, with a response from my sister that it was my terrible news to share and my brother that "he doesn't care because I don't respect his feelings or my mothers".

At this point I had enough. It was stressing me out how unsupportive and critical they have been from the very beginning and seeing my husband baffled to why he is not liked or cared for.

The past 5 months have been lovely. We have focused on each other and our now growing family without the dread of my siblings reactions. I am still in contact with DM but it's far more limited than what it used to be.
Last week both my DB and DS reached out to meet up and "discuss" everything and put it behind us. I'm not ready, I was enjoying the peace and realised how angry I feel towards everything not to hold my tongue. My DS wouldn't take that as an answer and harassed in every way possible to ask why I won't meet up and I'm being incredibly unreasonable (Instagram, fb, text, call, Pinterest and even got hold of my work email!) As of today I haven't heard from her but my Dad and Step mother have reached out that I must make amends, life is too short and I am depriving my unborn child of an Uncle and Auntie.

Sorry it's incredible long.

So AIBU to just not want to make amends right now? I didn't imagine I would before the baby is here nor straight after either. I hadn't thought when I would but possibly when I can speak about them without feeling angry about everything. I let a lot of things go at the beginning.
Also, how would I put this across to my parents without it causing a strain on the relationship there.

Thank you

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 20:16

If you do move forward with them, you need to have very clear positive boundaries.

Original poster
PurpleDove · 17/04/2017 20:18

My siblings are both in their mid 30s. if that makes a difference at all.

I've realised I haven't completely forgiven for what's been said and done which would make it incredibly difficult to see them and involve them in my life and my unborn child's at the moment.
And when I do forgive them.. I don't think I could ever have the same relationship with them again.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 17/04/2017 20:21

Your DB & DSIS sound childish and selfish, but for the sake of the rest if the family I would just meet up, make all the right noises and get it over with before the baby gets here. You're going to have to do it at some point, may as well be now.

But take care to protect yourself from this unreasonable behaviour in the future, don't allow them to get too close, set clear boundaries. Protect your emotions. Your family sound like very hard work, good luck.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/04/2017 20:22

You owe them nothing. Enjoy time with DH and getting ready for your baby. Once the baby arrives they MAY realise that being courteous and undemanding might be a better way to approach you. Or not.
Good luck!

tweezers · 17/04/2017 20:29

"Depriving the family of a wedding" ?? and this is their excuse for your brother to say you are no longer part of the family ? This meeting based on what you have said, sounds like it could turn into a "browbeating" session to push you back into line.
One poster suggested writing to them, That might be a way to deal with this latest demand. Make it an open letter, so you don't get one relating select pieces to the other.
Restate your case.. remind them that you apologised about not having a big wedding ( how many people make the same decision based on the cost anyway and no one blinks an eye) remind them of the hurtful way they acted at the time and ask straight out if they accept that their behaviour was hurtful and if they now intend to welcome your husband who is part of their life? Yes or no. Then you can decide whether to meet with them. Being part of your children's lives is a privilege they have to earn with reasonable, kind and pleasant behaviour, not cold shouldering you ever time you don't follow orders

WoopWoop200 · 17/04/2017 20:29

I am NC with my mother and brother.
The moment i told my other brothers i was pregnant they were worried my mother would be hurt if i didn't tell her and that i need to make amends. Life's too short. What if she dies tomorrow. Blah de blah de blah.
I don't feel ready. What about my feelings. I am the pregnant one. She already has a GC she doesn't bother with.....
I will be faced with this again when DD is actually born......
Do what you need to, when you are ready. Screw their feelings. You need to look after you and your unborn child right now.
I have been much h happier without the stress and am happy to keep going as i am. It's up to you and your DH Flowers

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 17/04/2017 20:39

Dear batshit brother and sister,

I am writing to ask that the incessant texts, emails - including to my work address - phone calls and bombardment via social media stops immediately.

I do not "owe" anyone a wedding.
I do not "owe" anyone a role in my child's life.

My main responsibility to my child is to ensure that they are loved and cared for - and part of that love and care means surrounding them with people who have their best interests at heart. My child is not a toy to be played with, or a pawn to be used in this ridiculous game of oneupmanship that you both seem intent on playing.

I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear from you. Your behaviour means that I do not want you to be a part of my, or my child's, life as I believe you are both toxic and harmful to be around.

If you persist in contacting me then I will treat this as harassment and take whatever steps are necessary as a result.

PurpleDove.

jay55 · 17/04/2017 20:45

You need to take care of yourself and your baby right now. They do not deserve the headspace.

DaintySong · 17/04/2017 21:10

I don't know, I'd probably give them one more chance to see if they actually want to make amends as I do think that family is important, especially when you have children, and if they're still behaving like it's your fault then I'd just say that it's the reason why it's not going to work and walk away.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/04/2017 21:17

Sorry but fuck that.

Have they always bossed you around like this?

Tell your dad you have nothing to make amends for. If they want to apologise they can do so via letter/email/floral arrangement - your choice.

But if they were really sorry I doubt they would be harassing you and making you anxious. It sounds like they want to be in control again.

Your dh sounds lovely. His family sound lovely. Concentrate on the upcoming family addition. You have a lot on your plate and it sounds like, a lot of loving people to back you up.

Quite frankly, you don't need the drama. If they're truly sorry, they will understand and wait. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 17/04/2017 21:19

I can't leave this like it, im depriving them has really rubbed me up the wrong way.

But you can 'leave it like this', you know. And you should. They aren't going to 'hear' what you say. You think that if you just use the 'right words' they'll say 'Well of course!! How unreasonable we've been and how right you are. We are so ashamed and sorry." But that's not going to happen. There are no 'right words' to them other than their own, and other than you saying how terribly you've treated them.

Let it go. They add nothing positive to your life and apparently add quite a bit negative! Remember: Never JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, or Explain).

I know it's painful leaving it without resolution. But it's 1000 times more painful to speak your piece and have it either ignored or twisted and thrown back in your face.

I'd send a neutral polite text asking them to please not contact you in the future. And that you are going to block them on your phone and Social Media to insure the no contact from your end.

Mysteriouscurle · 17/04/2017 21:30

So let me get this straight? They decide to cut you off but when they decide to snap their fingers you will come running and if you don't, youre an awful person Hahahahaha hilarious!

flippinada · 17/04/2017 21:34

I like your take on it AcrossthePond.

unicorn5629 · 17/04/2017 21:35

I'm with you OP. We're NC with my sister in law. We danced to her tune too many times and when we chose the highway instead of her way we were cut out. Called many a name, dead to her etc... she's tried clawing her way back several times but we're happy without the drama in our lives and without the fear of upsetting her. Yeah life's short... too short for us to deal with their BS! Enjoy your husband and new baby!

SabineUndine · 17/04/2017 21:40

It sounds to me as though they took you for granted and then you upped and did something they weren't expecting! Good for you. You've got your own family now, and they are on the sidelines. I'd keep it that way.

SaveMeBarry · 17/04/2017 21:52

It sounds to me as though they took you for granted and then you upped and did something they weren't expecting

Yes and I'd add they may also have expected that you would be the one to make the first approach, attempt to build bridges and no doubt admit your wrong doing. The fact you've not done this is a shock to them but I wouldn't take it that them contacting you is a sign of having mellowed or accepted your right to live as you choose.

Families are so bloody complicated and in my experience it's not unusual for dysfunctional families to "reach out" after low or no contact only to start all the crap again.

Op you've seen another type of family in your ILs that you obviously feel is healthier. Having done the difficult bit i.e. Making the break, id think long and hard before getting sucked back in by your siblings.

Religionorno · 17/04/2017 21:54

Yabu for having apologised, OP. For what? Getting married the way you wanted?!

I would send them something similar to what PaulDacre said. Bang on. You're not depriving your child of anything as he/she will not know them anyway. They are emotionally backmailing you and can frankly sod off.

You do what you want to do, when-if-you're ready for contact. They need to apologise to you first. I take it you're the youngest and they think they're the boss of you? Dumb, dumb. Send a message via dad or whoever to tell them to stop the harassment and make sure you use that word. They're unbelievable!

EweAreHere · 17/04/2017 22:15

You don't owe them anything.

They owe you an apology.

Stand firm. Decide what you want, tell them clearly and concisely what that is, then stand firm.

PidgeonSpray · 18/04/2017 08:03

If you never ever want to make amends in the future then don't bother now.

But if you feel you may want to make amends eventually ... I hate to say it sounds like this will be your only chance.

They've offered an olive branch (hopefully realising they were wrong!) and I doubt they will want to make up in future if you don't accept this olive branch now. I know how stubborn people can be!

Original poster
PurpleDove · 18/04/2017 09:30

I really appreciate all your responses. There have been so many it's hard to respond directly to every one.

I feel stronger in myself reading that I do not owe anyone a part of my child's life and that it's my responsibility that they are surrounded by caring and reasonable people. My siblings have not shown that at all throughout this relationship and I don't want to seek reconciliation with them yet or be pushed into it by my parents.

I have sent both a message along the lines that I have heard from our parents whilst they want to meet and put this all behind them I am not ready and still incredibly hurt by what has been said. My marriage and the news of my baby was belittled. I need more time and not to expect to hear from me in the next few months.

I await what my parents have to say as no doubt they will go running to them...

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 18/04/2017 09:53

So these two people in their thirties will go running to mum and dad wailing about you? Says it all, really. They should grow up.

Original poster
PurpleDove · 18/04/2017 10:09

I expect them to from the times I've seen my parents and what they have said.

I don't think I will say anything to my parents about what I will be doing regarding my siblings unless it's brought up again. Then go along the lines of, I don't owe anyone a role nor do I want to feel emotionally blackmailed into moving forward so they have a part of the baby's life. That's the plan anyway. I normally don't have the words or confidence to until after I've seen them.

Especially as they both had tears in their eyes last time and said it's not fair and don't allow this to continue. It's very hard!

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 18/04/2017 10:20

purple
When my DSis did this, I told my DPs that I had no intention of involving them in anything between us but that my DC would not be left with in tears because of their aunts actions and if I had to chose, I'd chose my DCs over them any day. It had largely stopped them getting in the middle.

user1471558436 · 18/04/2017 10:27

That's a great message. You've basically highlighted how upsetting it was and that you're not ready - which is totally normal and appropriate considering the circumstances. Take you're time and work through the issues internally. Maybe after the birth you might feel differently?

I do believe in second chances and that people can change (my brothers only radically improved on hitting 40!). Hopefully because you've been very reserved about taking the next step, they will be more thoughtful and kinder in the future because they realise how much is at stake.

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