AIBU to not want to make amends..

[PurpleDove]

I will try and keep this relatively short and fill in what I think is required.

DH and I have been married just under a year and decided to elope. Numerous reasons, financially we don't have a lot between us, he had a cancer scare which thankfully turned out fine but will need some surgery in the next year and we both felt the marriage was far more important than the actual "wedding day". So we had no one attend apart from two witnesses unknown to us. His family were cool, relaxed and supportive about the whole idea as were friends and unfortunately only a couple of family members my side.
My mum, my sister and brother were both extremely angry and upset and made sure we knew. We were aware it would probably cause hurt to some but tried to explain our reasons that if we didn't do it this way we probably would never "get married". The wedding idea does not suit either of us.
My DB point blanked refused to speak with me and only contacted me to say I was no longer part of the family, I am incredibly selfish not to include anyone and all I think about is myself (he's single). My DS remained quiet but had a few things to say behind our back. She has also from day one of meeting my now husband has been fairly judgemental. Questioning why I chose him, I spend too much time with him, I drink too much with him (we had a few crazy couple months together going on holiday, vineyards but nothing of a daily worrying alcohol abuse nature!) enough for my parents to have tried to reassure my partner and I that they will come round (this was before we got married). I am still unsure exactly why and what it is they dislike so much about my choice of partner and relationship. He is truly an amazing man.

I left them be and discovered we were pregnant late last year which I wanted to reach out and share the news, with a response from my sister that it was my terrible news to share and my brother that "he doesn't care because I don't respect his feelings or my mothers".

At this point I had enough. It was stressing me out how unsupportive and critical they have been from the very beginning and seeing my husband baffled to why he is not liked or cared for.

The past 5 months have been lovely. We have focused on each other and our now growing family without the dread of my siblings reactions. I am still in contact with DM but it's far more limited than what it used to be.
Last week both my DB and DS reached out to meet up and "discuss" everything and put it behind us. I'm not ready, I was enjoying the peace and realised how angry I feel towards everything not to hold my tongue. My DS wouldn't take that as an answer and harassed in every way possible to ask why I won't meet up and I'm being incredibly unreasonable (Instagram, fb, text, call, Pinterest and even got hold of my work email!) As of today I haven't heard from her but my Dad and Step mother have reached out that I must make amends, life is too short and I am depriving my unborn child of an Uncle and Auntie.

Sorry it's incredible long.

So AIBU to just not want to make amends right now? I didn't imagine I would before the baby is here nor straight after either. I hadn't thought when I would but possibly when I can speak about them without feeling angry about everything. I let a lot of things go at the beginning.
Also, how would I put this across to my parents without it causing a strain on the relationship there.

Thank you

I would hazard a guess that pre meeting your dp you were at their beck and call a little bit?? And now they resent your priorities shifting?? this happened with my friend and her sister!! They have tried criticising it failed, the have tried kicking off it failed so now they are trying a'Discussion'. It's all for the same purpose getting their own way!!! Continue to ignore them when/if they are really ready to reconcile they will be respectful of your feelings i.e. Taking no for an answer!

Fuck them..they made their bed they can lay in it...do it when yr ready

Is your brother the golden child?
I'm in a situation where my sibling has behaved badly but my parents pussyfoot around her feelings and try and tell me I should make it up with her "as she's so sensitive" and apparently I'm unreasonable because I haven't. (There is no making up to do in my part - she walked away from me because she was jealous of one aspect of my life - what am I supposed to be sorry for?)
Sorry for hijacking thread but your situation smacks of your parents protecting your siblings feelings above your own.

My DSis did the exact same last year. I was very happy for them, they had the wedding they wanted and are happy together. I would have liked the chance to celebrate with them but it wasn't about me (or my noisy kids and my family) and we respected that.

At the end of the day, if you want someone in your life then you will accept them as they are. And if you don't, you might use something they have done to engineer a falling out. It sounds like that is what your siblings have done.

I would agree with everyone who has said don't reach out to them. But having said that, maybe it affects you or you wouldn't be asking for other people's thoughts? One thing to bear in mind is, do you want people like that around your child? They would likely not be a good influence on him or her.

If you don't feel you can be totally honest with all parents involved, perhaps just say to them that you need some time to think it all over/you are feeling emotional with the pregnancy/you are not sure what you want. Something to buy yourself some time and space. Your husband sounds lovely - and it's great that the scare he had was just a scare - so remember how you felt when you took the decision to put your relationship first and elope when moving forward here.

I think your siblings are unreasonable but I get they prob were also hurt for being cut out wedding but then suddenly contacted with baby news. I don't understand why you did that. You can't have it both ways.

They clearly overreacted. But I'm not surprised that they were very hurt by being excluded from the wedding. If my brother got married and didn't invite me, I'd be hurt not to be invited. But I'd be fucking livid at how totally broken up over it my parents would be. Of course, I'd try to be the grown up and get over it.

They've been very childish since. But...you mention you tried to explain your reasons. Did you, back then at the beginning, apologise for the pain you caused? Or did this turn into one of those situations where both sides were jumping up and down that their side was right, and the other side should just back down?

You don't have to talk to them. Or listen to them. But you're angry because when you held out an olive branch afterwards they weren't ready. Now they're holding out an olive branch. If you're too hurt, then leave it. If you're too angry, then leave it. But if you'd actually like to try to rebuild the relationship, someone needs to be prepared to take the olive branch. Or when you're next ready to offer, they may be too hurt from your refusal this time...and so it will go on.

If the fear of being hurt again is too great, then don't do it. But if the wish to rebuild is there, then do think about trying.

Good luck.

YANBU at all.

My Not-Dsis pulled a stunt to engineer an argument with me too. We haven't spoken since, it was the last in a long line of paper cuts. I've had the same crap spouted at me - I'm depriving my DCs of an aunt. I've always replied that I'm not, they have an different aunt and uncle who are actively involved with them and are capable of acting like adults around them. I also pointed out that all she has to do was to acknowledge what she did and I may be inclined to see if there was middle ground anymore. But as that would mean accepting she's not faultless then she hasn't bothered. She's depriving herself of DNs, they truly aren't missing anything.

My sister did as you did. Got married on the quiet with only two friends as witnesses.

Family members on both sides were hurt, but neither family ostracised them. They were given wedding presents and Mam made them a lovely cake, albeit after the event. That was how they had wanted it, so although we would have all liked to have seen the wedding, it was not the end of the world.

Your siblings sound a real pain in the arse.

They cut off communications when it suited them. Now, for some reason, it suits them to renew the relationship, so sod how you feel.

tell them that you appreciate that they want to be "family" again, but that you are presently too hurt and need time to come to terms with things. Tell them that when you feel able to cope, then you will get in touch with them. A PP has suggested that you tell them how much this is stressing you and that that is unfair on the baby and on you. Point out that if they really do care, and really want to support you, they can d this by allowing you to come round to their change of mind in your time, to allow you to come to ter=ms with things.

If they care about you then they will do that. If it was me in their position I would accept this. I would probably keep in touch (e.g. birthday andChrstmas cards etc), but not put pressure on.

If they continue to make your life a misery, block them from everything, and set your work and personal e-mails to block them, or put their messages straight into "junk". You don't need this.

Many congratulations on your baby.

They don't want the embarrassment of people knowing they have a niece/ nephew they don't see. I hate to say it, but would they have any interest if you weren't pregnant?

Actually, on second thoughts, they probably don't give a shit about the baby, but are sick of hearing your parents talking about it. They don't want baby being centre of attention. It would suit them if your parents took sides, against you.

From the very beginning of the elopement I was clear on our reasons and extended sincere apologies on any hurt that may be caused from our decision but that this is how we wanted our day.

I fear getting hurt again, putting my husband through it when I could start seeing the stress it was causing to him whilst he's from the beginning tried hard and they've been difficult. That I'm not ready to put it behind and carry on like "normal" I'm even wondering what normal was now I've been surrounded by my partners family. They are close but give one another a lot of breathing space and are just seriously cool and down to earth. Nothing could possibly faze them.

I just can't help but really dislike what my dad and step mum said. I can't leave this like it, im depriving them has really rubbed me up the wrong way. But in no way do I want to damage that relationship..

Sigh

I'm not sure how to tag people.. hope this works
@PovertyPain
I do wonder if I wasn't pregnant and the due date is approaching (not too soon but soon enough!) that they'd be interested..

I'm not sure a child can be "deprived" of aunts & uncles - some children don't have any at all anyway, & do just fine.

I'm guessing they have no children of their own yet, & want a "go" with the baby...

No children for them as of yet. DB hasn't really had a serious relationship yet (early 30s) DS has always said she doesn't want to get married but may have a child in the future. (Just remembered she also said I was depriving the family of a wedding as I would potentially be the only one to get married!)

I just don't want to have to listen to my parents each time I and or both my husband and I see them about my siblings and making amends. Or that I am depriving our child. I fear it will only get worse once the baby is here and god knows how hormonal/emotional I may feel days/weeks following the birth..

I don't think you have anything to make amends for, they both like a pair of overbearing bullies (and I bet it's not out of character either).

If it's easier for the time being not being in touch then carry on as you are.

I would just say that you are willing to accept their open and genuine apology when they are ready to give it, and that if they make amends towards your dh, in time you may allow them some contact with your dc.

If they are not willing to, then they are still not accepting your family on its own terms, and you would be foolish to expose your dc to them. They will only try and coopt them and undermine you at every turn.

There a bit mad but does strike me that you didn't want to attend your family stuff but wanted to prioritise your dh and his family. Did you go from being quite close to your family to not seeing them much once you met dh

Oh dear OP, you sure are depriving a lot of people of a lot of things!
I wonder when you were appointed the official supplier of everyone else's happiness?
I think you need to stick to your gut feeling and if your gut tells you that "making amends" will add stress to your life, then don't do it.

My opinion is that you have fuck all to make amends for and your siblings need to get lives of their own and take responsibility for their own feelings!

"The past 5 months have been lovely."
Of course they have been - they haven't been ruined by your self-absorbed arsewipe siblings!

You have no amends to make. They were rude to you and have yet to apologise. And your sister's hectoring, badgering, just plain harassing - I'd block her from contacting me on any device at all. If she's so determined, let her write a letter.

"I just don't want to have to listen to my parents each time I and or both my husband and I see them about my siblings and making amends."
Then I suggest you are blunt and upfront. 'I have no amends to make, unlike them. And if you insist on badgering me about this, then you will drive me away.'

And TBH, a bad relationship is far worse than no relationship at all. You will not be depriving your child of an aunt and uncle; you will be protecting them from two batshit adults.

I'm not sure how you can avoid this causing stress with your parents. Apologies if I'm way off beam here but your family set background (I mean your mum, dad etc not your husband) sounds dysfunctional. It sounds like it's just accepted that your brother and sister need to be placated and pandered to

Have they ever been pulled up on this behaviour? Has anyone stood up to them before?

Excuse random extra word, set isn't meant to be in there.

So your dsis doesn't have to have a wedding at all but you have to have a huge one?? I'd connect with your dad, and say you'd love to be in contact, he should know though that the double standards your siblings have had gone far enough, if they bring your baby into it don't expect you to be nice to them. Want to come for afternoon tea dad? X

It's always been known for my DB to have a grump, be stubborn and we must just let it go and let him get on with it. I'm starting to realise how childish he has been over the years. His way or no way.. sigh.

Be honest. Say you're not ready just yet because you feel upset and critisised. Maybe add that you just need time and some space. Take things at your own pace.

Your sibling sound incredibly immature and possibly jealous. People do change with age and experience though.

Personally I would give them a second shot. I would try to clear the air before the baby is born so that things are less complicated when new born arrives.

To move on everyone needs to look forward and think about how they can all make the relationship work better. Nobody can change the past and turn back time

Whether you continue the relationship or not, to stop feeling angry and to feel peace, you basically need to internally forgive them completely.