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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my mum unreasonable?

85 replies

user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:37

I live at home with my mum, dad and siblings. I'm 24 years old and have recently started dating a guy. I'm going to spend the night with him next week and I told my parents tonight - they have freaked out completely. am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's ok for me to do this??

OP posts:
melj1213 · 16/04/2017 23:27

I'm not saying I don't expect them to worry, of course I do. I'd just like them to respect my decision and treat me like an adult

Then say that. "Mum, Dad I know you are concerned because you don't know this guy but I am 24 years old and you can't treat me like a child. I have made the decision to stay with my new boyfriend on X date, that is not going to change just because you disapprove."

Perhaps you could try to manage their concern by agreeing some sort of contact while you're away since this is the first time you're staying with your new bf ... so would they settle for you calling/texting them a couple of times - eg when you arrived at his house, at some point in the evening and then in the morning? That way you can show that you've not been kidnapped/locked in the basement etc and you can then show your parents that they can trust your decision ... and in future you will be able to just let them know you'll be away and then leave.

Sometimes parents can forget, if you're still at home, that you're actually an adult and come across as overbearing. By 24 I had been moved out of my parents since I was 18 when I went to Uni, had my DD and was with my (now)Ex living abroad (as we had been for 3 years at that point) but as soon as I stepped through their front door for visits they seemed to think I was 12 again.

When I was in Spain they had no clue what I did and I didn't update them with all the details ... but for the couple of weeks I was home seeing them I had to face a barrage of questions every time I went out. I could understand wanting detailed answers if they were babysitting DD so that they could contact me in an emergency; but I'd give my parents a heads up that I was going out for the day and since I wasn't sure when we'd be home, they didn't need to count us in for dinner ... well for most people that would be fine but I wouldn't be able to leave the house until I'd told her that we were meeting Sally Smith, her daughter Sophie, Jenny Jones and her son Jimmy for lunch at the McDonalds in town and then we were going to take the kids to the soft play centre on the High Street and then to Jenny's house on Park Lane and give the kids tea etcetc.

It only stopped when I was running late for meeting a friend one day, DD was having a tantrum about putting her coat on to go out to the car (I'd normally let it go if we were just running the few feet out to the car, but it was hammering with rain and she was getting over an illness so it was non-negotiable) and my mother just kept asking questions even when she could see I was trying to deal with DD's tantrum. I ended up losing my temper and shouting that I didn't have to tell her anything because I was an adult with a child of my own and if a condition of me staying with her was literally telling her every movement I made outside of her house, then I'd pack our bags and then and just go back to Spain, before scooping up DD and legging it out to the car. By the time we came back later that day I'd calmed down, felt really guilty for yelling at her and was all ready to apologise for my behaviour but as soon as I got in the door my mother apologised to me for being so overbearing and we actually had a great adult conversation about boundaries and respecting each other's decisions.

WorraLiberty · 16/04/2017 23:42

Has the OP mentioned she's actually staying at his house?

I've checked but I might be missing it.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 23:46

My mum was just like this, she didn't even let my DH stay over in the same room as me when we went for Christmas until after we were married! Unfortunately sometimes parents find it hard to accept that their kids are no longer teenagers. I'd just ignore them and crack on. They obviously are being unreasonable, but I'm sure they'll come round and accept the new normal.

user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 23:55

I'm staying at his house yes. I'm staying there as we are spending 2 days together, and he lives an hour away - it'd be silly to come home to travel back really (plus I do really want to stay).

I'm fine with him meeting my parents, but it all feels a bit too soon - he's not even officially my boyfriend yet!

I've explained to them this evening plans aren't going to change, I know they disagree with it but it's happening - I was just letting them know. They've told me I'm selfish and I don't care what they think or believe. Which I think is silly, I am listening to them but I'm also living my life haha.

I will be safe, people will know where I am, I will keep in contact with my parents a couple of times via text - I've no issue with even doing that, especially as it's the first time. I do consider myself a sensible person and I'm not going into this without any thought

OP posts:
sadsquid · 17/04/2017 00:05

I don't think I appreciated my parents enough for being chilled out about this sort of thing! I started staying over at my then (and first ever) boyfriend's house the summer before uni. The first time BF asked me to stay over I'd known him maybe a month and my dad gave me a lift to the station, bless him. By the time I came home for the summer after my first year, it was utterly normal for me to stay out.I'd text to tell my family I'd not be home, but I didn't leave names and addresses. I regularly stayed over at that summer's boyfriend's house, starting from something like a week after meeting him. No one at home breathed a word about it. I was a young adult with a sex life, it's normal.

Of course there's a slight risk to stopping over at a new person's house, but it really is slight. My biggest fear for my own kids is that they'll get into a relationship that turns abusive once they're deeply involved, like so many of the ones you can read about on the Relationships board. Not that they're going to end up kidnapped and held in a torture dungeon by someone they've known for ONLY! three months. Confused

AdoraBell · 17/04/2017 00:18

I would say I am a virgin, the DCs were miracle babies due to immaculate conception.

Then refuse to discuss anything private again.

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2017 08:51

I think your patents will chill out rapidly once the first time is over. They will have got over that barrier in their minds. They have no choice, unless they want to make their house feel very uncomfortable permanently.
I hope you have a great time on WednesdayGrin

SparklesandBangs · 17/04/2017 09:03

I'm a mum to 2 young adults and much more relaxed than your DP.
I do worry about them but I can also remember what I did at there age.
I lived at home until I was 25 to save for my first house and because my DP were reasonable. I would tell them where I was going and when to expect me home, and I never stayed out without letting them know. This wasn't because they demanded it of me but because I respected them and also didn't want them to worry.

pipsqueak25 · 17/04/2017 09:20

i told mum was was getting married and her response was 'he's taking her away from us' and to burst into violent sobs [confused.
i was living next door to her and the prat of a step father and had been for 9 years, oh, did i mention i was 27 when announcing my engagement ? Grin

Meekonsandwich · 17/04/2017 17:59

Awwww that's hilarious xD I left home at 17,I couldn't have coped with parents that treated me like a child into my 20 s!

It's a bit weird to ask a guy you're not super serious with or havent slept with yet (unless you're waiting for marriage) to meet your parents! It's none of their business!

There's a whole world out there and you're missing out on the best years of your life, if that's the way your parents react to staying somewhere else for the night!
Get out there, house share, flat, decorate it, have parties, get a pet if you want one, ruin your first load of washing, make mistakes! That's what your 20 s are for!I never looked back and couldn't imagine living at home now.

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