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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum unreasonable?

85 replies

user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:37

I live at home with my mum, dad and siblings. I'm 24 years old and have recently started dating a guy. I'm going to spend the night with him next week and I told my parents tonight - they have freaked out completely. am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's ok for me to do this??

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:52

They're not banning me from going but they're now refusing to talk to me and making me feel like I'm doing something wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:53

Yes I pay rent, and I help around the house a lot

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2017 21:54

Have you recently talked about house "rules" regarding you coming and going?

It's entirely possible they're still thinking of you as a teenager.

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:55

We've not discussed rules no, but I do believe that they see me as a teenager. I'm expected to let them know where I'm going and when I'll be back "just so they know I'm safe". It's kinda suffocating, I wish I could move out but it's not financially viable at the moment. I don't know how to have the chat without causing more problems :(

OP posts:
LemonyFresh · 16/04/2017 21:58

Can you not get a house share? Where I live a room can be less than £90 per

LemonyFresh · 16/04/2017 21:58

Per week, that's supposed to say

SquinkiesRule · 16/04/2017 21:58

Ignore them too, don't change your plans, you are an adult and allowed to have relationships. Don't let them guilt you into not going or thinking you are doing something wrong.
I have a 23 year old who doesn't even tell me half then time when he stays over at his girlfriends house (she lives with her parents too)
You have to be allowed to grow up and move on at some point.

ToastyFingers · 16/04/2017 21:59

Woah, I really feel for you OP.

I'm 26 and married with two children. I've not had to ask my parents permission for anything, let alone my own personal life, for about 8 years.

Next time, I'd not bother telling them where you're going, just that you won't be home till the next day.

averylongtimeago · 16/04/2017 22:01

User, you need to leave home I think. You are 24, and other than being well mannered and telling your parents you are going away overnight, so they don't panic when you don't turn up, you don't have to tell them all this detail. It is none of their business if you sleep with your bf or not, you are an adult.
At 24 I had a husband, mortgage and two DC. At your age my dd had left home and would have been outraged had I interfered. My DS was still at home, but his sex life was his own business. Some times he and his gf stayed at our house, sometimes at hers. No big deal.
It sounds like they are treating you like a young teenager, both you and they need to realize you are a grown up.

Sleepybunny · 16/04/2017 22:08

Do you have a disability or is there different cultural values at home? Can't help think there has to be some backstory here.

I would be sleeping rough to avoid controlling parents! Your paying rent, surely a room share as a pp suggested could be affordable?

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2017 22:10

I would be sleeping rough to avoid controlling parents!
That's a very bold statement to make from the privileged position of not being homeless. Hmm

sadsquid · 16/04/2017 22:11

I was only a year older than you when I married DH and got pregnant. Shock Your parents are mad to think they should have any say in whether you stay over with a boyfriend or not. It's completely OK to stay nights at his. (Also totally normal to mention it to them beforehand if you've always previously been home at night, so they'll know where you are and not worry - no idea why you've been getting stick on here for that.)

They obviously still think of you as a teenager and need to get to grips with the fact that you're not. I think the best way you can help this along is to tough it out, keep on doing what you know is perfectly OK for an adult in their twenties, and continue to be your civil mature self around the home. Hopefully it'll soon become the new normal and they will lose this fear of... whatever it is they're scared of. Confused

If you have a conversation about it, keep your cool and be clear that you're going to carry on with your perfectly normal adult behaviour. Don't let them force you into the petulant teenager role.

AliMonkey · 16/04/2017 22:13

For those saying you don't need to tell them where you are going, I disagree. You don't need their permission and them not talking to you is ridiculous. But it's polite - and presumably those saying don't tell them would tell their DH where they were going if staying away overnight? While you live there, you should do them the courtesy of telling them if you will be home late or stay away. I'm sure they are just worrying about you.

Ten years after leaving home, having got married, I spent a year living two nights per week at my parents due to work and always told them my whereabouts or if I was expecting to be back later than usual.

However given their over the top reaction, I can see why you might choose to not tell them next time!

Gooseygoosey12345 · 16/04/2017 22:13

I had over protective parents too but also had a 5 year old at your age. I moved out at 18 because I still had a curfew!! You sound very sensible and they need to give you a bit more credit!! Don't get me wrong, I adore my parents and they were doing what they thought was best for me but it's so draining! Yanbu

HecateAntaia · 16/04/2017 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MelanieCheeks · 16/04/2017 22:16

Wow some rough responses already! I thought the fact that more young people were continuing to live in the parental home due to rent and mortgage difficulties was well known. "Just move out" isn't really a practical solution.

It's polite and proper of you to let them know that you won't be home on certain nights. They don't need to know why, and they don't get to veto your choice.

SleepingBooty · 16/04/2017 22:18

Holy fuck I was married at 24, why are they freaking out??

brasty · 16/04/2017 22:18

Can you find a room that you can afford to rent?

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2017 22:20

My children came and went a number of times for various reasons. As long as they gave me some indication of what time they'd be home (if at all) I was happy with that.

Wasn't up to me to monitor where or with whom.

thecatsarecrazy · 16/04/2017 22:21

Are your parents very over protective? I was married at 24 first child at 25 but before that was treated like a child. My brother who is younger was always given much more freedom.

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:22

I'm not disabled, I'm a relatively normal person, and there's no different cultural values, they're just very very controlling of me.

I'm really pleased (most) of you agree with me, it makes me feel a lot better about this situation.

I totally agree I need to move out, and I have been taking steps to do this, but the last year or so have been quite hard on me financially, so I'm saving up so I can move out sensibly - having some money saved for a rainy day.

I'm not going to change my plans, I'm going to have a lovely time with him and they won't dampen my spirits regarding it.

Thanks for your support. X

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/04/2017 22:24

They do seem OTT.

However, I would be concerned if a loved one or even a friend of mine went off overnight with a man she's only been with for 3 weeks, and has seen him rarely during that time.

How well do you know him OP? Are you sure you'll be safe?

I'm not saying they're right to stop talking to you over this btw.

Xcrispypancakesx · 16/04/2017 22:26

What do you mean by freaked out ? Are they/ you religious ? I don't get what they're freaking out about, you need to elaloborate on the freaking out bit - how has it manifested itself ?

Also, you seem very unsure of yourself, attempting to gain your parents approval so you can stay out and then running to mn to get ours when you're parents weren't forthcoming with theirs ?

ohdeaeyme · 16/04/2017 22:26

im 24 at the end of this month, i have 2 dc and more or less moved out at 16

Darbs76 · 16/04/2017 22:26

I'd just ignore them if they are being funny with you. I think you're right to tell them, id expect a child living in my home to let me know they wouldn't be home all night so I wasn't worried - that's just called respect not sure why so many are so horrified you told them.

Also agree it's not that easy to move out. It's very expensive for young people to get onto the housing ladder now. Good luck