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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum unreasonable?

85 replies

user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 21:37

I live at home with my mum, dad and siblings. I'm 24 years old and have recently started dating a guy. I'm going to spend the night with him next week and I told my parents tonight - they have freaked out completely. am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's ok for me to do this??

OP posts:
Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:27

I speak to him every single day. We FaceTime a lot, I've known him since January but only been met up a few weeks ago. I absolutely trust him, he's a decent bloke. I feel 100% safe doing it or else I wouldn't do it!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/04/2017 22:28

Do you know any of his friends or family?

Perhaps this is what they're worried about?

RubixCircle · 16/04/2017 22:29

I had the same issues as you when I was younger. It's really tricky I totally understand. My mother would always say "as long as I know you're safe it's fine." But then when I'd tell her I'd be staying out she would get arsey with me and want to know where, who with, why did I "feel the need to stay out when it's just as easy to come home" etc etc. (Stupid question with an obvious answer but not one I could say!)
She would then wonder why I never told her if I was seeing someone. I also wasn't ever allowed boyfriends staying at their house so basically she never wanted me to have sex with anyone ever I think.
Even when I first moved out aged 27 she would want to know if I was going out at a weekend and always asked me to text her when I was home (??) and would be ringing me the next day to check I was ok and if I didn't answer I'd be getting texts all day checking I was ok. It was draining. Luckily now I'm 36 she has calmed down. Took a long long time though. Not much helpful advice though but I feel for you.

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:35

I know his friends. Not met his family but i wouldn't expect to at this stage. I'm safe, that's really no issue!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 16/04/2017 22:37

I would be worried if you were my dd tbh . You don't say what he is like, his background, is there any back history for them to be worried about you ? Also to be going away to stay at his place so early in your relationship he could be anybody! A murderer ,a sex attacker, a fraud,a pervert, a thief married or engaged . Noooo I think they are right to worry about you my dear

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/04/2017 22:38

Moussemoose- exactly what I was going to say!

OP, go, have fun, make sure someone knows where you are in case you change your mind/discover he's a bit odd. If he's lovely, you may even end up changing your mind about going slow. That's ok too. Be safe and enjoy yourself.

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:39

My mum has since said that it's a sign I'm desperate to be liked, I'm going to get there and he's going to rape me/lock me in a room, she's never going to see me again, she knows nothing about this man (I'm not against telling her - but it's always met with anger so I keep it to myself). My mum sounds very similar to yours rubixcircle. I'm glad yours has calmed down!

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/04/2017 22:39

"I'm safe, there really is no issue"

But you've only met him a few times.

My dd is 23 and away at uni, but if she told me she was going off to a man's house, who she had only met a few times, I would worry too. I think you should go on a few more "dates" first.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 16/04/2017 22:40

I think you need to redraw some your boundaries for them, politely but clearly.

'I am 24 now, I've been an adult for a while; when I let you know about my plans, its a courtesy, not me asking permission. I know you are just concerned for me, but I know what I'm doing, and 24 year olds don't generally bring people home to meet their mum and dad until they've been an item for months/ years. I'll text you when I get there, and when I'm setting out home.'

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:40

I'm not saying I don't expect them to worry, of course I do. I'd just like them to respect my decision and treat me like an adult

OP posts:
Madeyemoodysmum · 16/04/2017 22:41

How did u meet him. I know of someone who was sadly murdered by a man she met online for only a few weeks.
A lovely bright girl. Seems he was very clever at gaining trust.

I can't say I'd be happy if I was mum and dad either.

Theimpossiblegirl · 16/04/2017 22:43

This is why most young people tell their parents nothing about their personal lives. Parents worry but this is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure lots of young women go to men's houses and have a lovely time without being attacked, murdered etc. Always have a plan B, but you have to live your life.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/04/2017 22:43

Fuck me, your mum sounds a bit excitable Confused

Next time don't tell them what you're doing/where you're going until you're on the way there. And continue to make plans to move out!

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 22:43

I've met him through friends. We've mutual friends, met around New Years, exchanged details and messaged for a while before we met up again for our first date. Sorry if I didn't make that clear!!

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 16/04/2017 22:43

Made- that seems insensitive to your post, I'm sorry, I was typing at the same time.

Madeyemoodysmum · 16/04/2017 22:45

That seems better then if you know his friends etc.

MeadowHay · 16/04/2017 22:52

Haha, OP I feel you. I'm 23 and my parents would be the same as yours, if it weren't for the fact that I'm already married. They absolutely freaked the fuck out when they found out I was sexually active with a boyfriend I had at 18 whilst still living at home. We got engaged about a year after and married a year after that so they had to adjust very quickly. I moved out to go to uni not long before I was 19. I know it can be hard moneywise but I think if your parents are anything like mine, moving out will do you all a world of good. My relationship with my parents is much better now that I only visit them every 3 months or so (as DH and I live in a different city and neither of us drive).

WorraLiberty · 16/04/2017 22:56

Well just make sure you tell your friends exactly where you'll be staying overnight and keep in touch.

I know you're 24 but you're staying overnight with a man you've only met a few times, and didn't know at all just over 3 months ago.

Have fun and stay safe.

MeadowHay · 16/04/2017 22:59

Oh for what it's worth I agree you need to give a good friend or two of yours the address of where you are going if you don't trust your parents to have it. I'm not trying to frighten you - I stayed at DH's (dad's) house when I was 18 for a night about 3 weeks after we first met and my parents thought I was at a friend's house - but I did let my best friend of the time know that I was going and gave her the address etc. I trusted him totally and was excited, and as I say he's now my DH - but it's always better to take tiny safety steps like that. It's not safe for nobody to know where you are, doesn't matter how old you are or where it is you are going, imo.

Batghee · 16/04/2017 23:01

YANBU they are very very strange. It would be more understandable (altho i would never be like that with a 24 year old myself) if they were upset about him staying in their house when they had never met him, but to be upset about a fully grown adult staying at another fully grown adults house? No, that is crazy.

Original poster
user1492374848 · 16/04/2017 23:01

Of course I'll be letting people know where I am :)

Thanks for all your advice x

OP posts:
Batghee · 16/04/2017 23:03

and yes, its completely your decision to make. If you feel safe then go. No one elses call but yours.
I cant imagine you being a reckless person with parents like that anyway so i believe you when you say you think its totally safe!!!

Dragongirl10 · 16/04/2017 23:10

YANBU but your parents are very overprotective......

Sensibly though, if you had any concerns once there do you have a car/plan to leave if needed...always a good idea.

I agree you should have a fab time and ignore your parents outdated views....

Also a sharp conversation about boundaries, as you are a contributing adult in the household, is well overdue....

BunnyChickChocolateEgg · 16/04/2017 23:17

I know you're 24 but you're staying overnight with a man you've only met a few times, and didn't know at all just over 3 months ago.

I think a lot of people stay over a lot quicker than this (for example at uni - I don't think all those first years wait til after Xmas to really get to know someone well, before they stay over with another student...!). some will be in halls, so there are other people around, but many won't...

There is always a small risk, but 3 months seems quite a while to me, to get the measure of someone. I would tell a friend and let them know you're ok in the morning, but otherwise just have a nice trip OP :-).

MrEBear · 16/04/2017 23:25

OP I can see why your parents are worried. Is there a reason for staying at his house? Could you invite him to yours, let your parents meet him?