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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable?

89 replies

user57289 · 16/04/2017 19:40

A friend (Laura) was invited to a mutual friends (Sarah's) hen do. The hen do was in London (about a 2hr drive from where we all live). It happened to be Laura's 3 year anniversary of when she met her partner. Not an actual anniversary, as in from when the started dating - just from when the met, they didn't start dating for about another year.
The hen do was booked and Laura said she would go, it was a spa day, then a meal followed by a cocktail event and then into town for some more drinks. They started booking hotels and deciding who was sharing rooms etc when Laura decided that because it was her anniversary she was going to bring her partner. Originally Laura, her partner and one of the hens would share a room, needless to say no one wanted to share with Laura and her partner. Can you blame them? Laura eventually got a room on her own with her partner, which meant one of the hens was on her own (it was a group of 20 - so should have been 2 to a room.
) Sarah is understandably fuming that Laura's partner came. Laura doesn't see an issue in it. Laura and her partner planned to go out for a meal the following day and have a day in London. In her mind she's paying for a room so she may as well 'enjoy her time away' Hmm
What makes it worse is after the cocktails Laura claims she felt ill and said to the girls she would grab a bite to eat and meet them later. Instead of catching up with everyone she went back to the hotel. She said she messaged sarah to say she wasn't coming back out. Sarah says she didnt get the message.
Laura is meant to be bridesmaid but sarah doesn't really want her too anymore, as she feels Laura was more concerned with spending time with the partner than celebrating the hen do. The whole weekend was planned to include as many family as humanly possible, so the under 18's and those that didn't want to go out for drinks joined in with the spa day and evening meal, and then the rest went drinking. So I think it was about 30 all together and 20 that stayed the night. Laura is meant to be Sarah's maid of honour. They have known each other for years.
I'm in the middle, I'm friends with both girls (couldn't make the hen do).
Basically who is being unreasonable?, Laura for inviting her bf and then ignoring the majority of the group (she didn't travel down with them, and didn't join them on either morning, despite saying she would. They had planned for a spa day on the Saturday morning and then everything else in the evening. They then met back up on the Sunday and travelled back together (apart from Laura), or is sarah unreasonable for expecting Laura to join in with things.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and the atmosphere between the 2 is glacial. Sarah has gone dress shopping with another friends and is no longer making any effort with Laura. Laura is saying that she did nothing wrong.

Apologies this is incredibly long Confused

OP posts:
longlostpal · 16/04/2017 20:02

I'm struggling to see what bits Laura went to and what bits she brought her partner to.

If she went to the spa day and cocktails on her own and then bowed out, then that's a bit shit for the maid of honour, but not the worst crime.

If she brought her bf to the spa day and cocktails (or any of the hen events) and then went back to the hotel with him after, then that's very rude.

Wanting to share a room with her bf and spend the next day with London with him is completely fine imo. She didn't leave the other hen she was originally going to share with in the lurch because she offered to have both her and her bf share (sharing a room with a couple after a night out is not weird in my book).

I reckon Laura will have just thought that it's fine for her to come to some stuff and do her own thing for other stuff because it's such a big event. I get that the bride would be disappointed that the maid of honour wasn't super-enthused about everything, and Laura hasn't played it particularly well, but I don't think she's acted awfully either.

Floralnomad · 16/04/2017 20:04

Laura is being unreasonable , but someone should have said as soon as she wanted to bring her partner that that was not going to work and she had to choose - hen do or made up anniversary .

TeaMeBasil · 16/04/2017 20:04

It's a hen do, not Laura's Anne ersatz weekend. She is BVU...who does that??

Two separate events and of course she could have postponed her anniversary weekend till the next weekend!

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2017 20:04

"Laura decided that because it was her anniversary she was going to bring her partner."
Shock WTF?

  1. It wasn't a real anniversary
  2. It's not her hen do, it's Sarah's - ergo if Sarah hasn't invited you, you're not invited.
  3. Laura then essentially sacked off the hen do anyway by feigning illness.

Off course it's Laura who is being unreasonable!

One question - why, instead of fuming, didn't Sarah just tell Laura that her partner was not invited to her hen do?

Tootsiepops · 16/04/2017 20:06

Everybody involved in this scenario need to get some perspective about the things that are actually important in life.

One of my closest friends left my hen night half way through to go and see her husband. That was 6 years ago and we're still close friends. Because these things don't matter.

What actually matters is that she was there for me consistently through ivf and my mum dying. Not a silly, drunken hen night.

Honestly. Is it really worth all the drama?

happypoobum · 16/04/2017 20:06

Laura is totally in the wrong here.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 20:07

But I'm not sure that it's clear that Laura did bring her partner to any of the hen events. I THINK what happened is that Laura went to the daytime hen events (spa/cocktails) on her own then did not go to the evening events (dinner/night out). She didn't bring her partner to any of them. She stayed with her partner the night after the hen and then spent the next day with him (a day on which no hen events were planned). So the shitty thing Laura has done is ditch the evening events in order presumably to hang out with her bf (although on a generous view she was telling the truth when she said she felt ill -- had she drank a lot?). That is a bit crap but not the same as bringing her bf to the hen events.

Namesarehard · 16/04/2017 20:11

My opinion is everyone needs to get a grip.
Why is this an issue? It's a hen weekend. I didn't even bother having one. Yet another reason to spend money on a pointless thing to do for someone else's wedding.

She attended what she needed to.

I wouldn't have said anything. I certainly wouldn't sack her as a bridesmaid.

A wedding is between 2 people not the rest of the world. And to be fair this was the even the wedding.

Sounds like she took the opportunity to spend some time with her partner since she was going to be in London anyway. Not worth ruining a friendship over.

This is why I refuse to attend any. So much pointless drama.

Whocansay · 16/04/2017 20:13

Laura is clearly a self absorbed bitch. She went out of her way to make the weekend all about her. She took her boyfriend on a hen do? Who does that? Totally out of line and I feel sorry for Sarah.

Gazelda · 16/04/2017 20:15

I can't believe anyone celebrates the anniversary of the day they met! And it was rude to invite BF along to hen weekend. Laura and bride need to have it out before The wedding.

But, thinking about this from Laura's (imaginary) perspective -
I am MOH for a good friend. A great big, all encompassing hen weekend was planned, loads of people coming and loads of activities to suit the different age groups. I started to realise this was going to cost a bomb. So BF said why don't we combine it with a weekend together, as we won't be able to afford a break this year. Great idea! I'll join in the spa and the drinks. Theres going to be another 20-30 or so other guests, so nothing will be spoilt by me not being there. Now bride is arsey and edging me out of the wedding.

I dont think either have done anything so bad that it's worth losing a friendship over.

CoraPirbright · 16/04/2017 20:16

The problem is that Laura said she could come. So the entire thing was booked on that basis, that the various people could make it, including Laura. The fact that she then produces this totally spurious "anniversary" and moves the goal posts is what makes it really crap. She should have just said that she couldnt make that date from the start (although what kind of bollocks is this anniversary of 'the first time we met'? Confused). That she couldn't make certain dates is totally fair enough. It's the changing of the plans that means that it seems like virtually anything else means more to Laura than the old friend who thought enough of her to make her MoH. I would be demoting her to 'guest +1'!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2017 20:16

Any suspicion that Laura's BF is controlling or abusive? It seems such an odd thing to do. And her leaving early etc. just seems like it could be him, not her.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 20:20

Hmm cora but it sounds like Laura raised this when the rooms were being booked, not after, so I don't think any money was spent on the basis that she was coming alone. If my interpretation is correct (i.e. she attended the daytime/early evening hen events, but travelled separately from the other hens, shared a room with her bf, and didn't go on the night out) I'm on team Laura here. She was a bit crap not going on the night out, but she probably thought it was ok as lots of people were ducking in and out for various bits. The bf part is a red herring as she did not actually bring him along to anything hen related.

sonyaya · 16/04/2017 20:20

mrsterrypratchett

Good point. It would explain a lot because otherwise I cannot imagine how or why Laura would choose to behave like such a dick.

sonyaya · 16/04/2017 20:23

longlostpal

Boyfriend not a red herring as what has happened (even on your interpretation) is that Laura has ditched her best friend on her hen night to spend it with her partner.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 20:27

Yes, sonyaya, true (if we assume the saying she felt ill is a lie, which it might not be depending how heavy the cocktail sesh was). But I'm not sure it's any better or worse than ducking in and out of the various hen events for any other reason. I'm just saying that it's not like she actually invited the guy along to the hen do.

I have to say, I wouldn't have done this in circumstances where I was maid of honour. BUT where people have multiple event hens I do think it's normal for different people to do different bits.

My hen do was actually pretty similar - couple of daytime events then dinner and a night out, and a few people didn't come on the night out. I wasn't offended.

Nanna50 · 16/04/2017 20:32

I think Laura's OH is a controlling jealous twat and she should LTB there is no other reason why a girl would take her OH on a hen do or why had would even want to go.

Nanna50 · 16/04/2017 20:33

Sorry crossed posts with Mrs T while reading the thread.

sonyaya · 16/04/2017 20:34

longlostpal

My hen is in a few weeks and I have no issue with people not coming but my maid of honour I do sort of expect to be willing to make the effort for one night. I agree it would be different if Laura was just a normal guest, or if this was one of multiple hens but I'm not sure that it was?

MrsDoylesTeabags · 16/04/2017 20:35

I agree with Mrs P, I think Laura's BF didn't want her going away on a girlie weekend and had to muscle in on the action. I'd say the bf is not so much of a red herrign as a big red flag.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 16/04/2017 20:36

Ha crossed post Nanna

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 20:39

sonyaya yeah I agree it's bad that it's the maid of honour. Not sure it would be worth losing a friendship over.

I'm not convinced the bf is necessarily controlling. Possibly they just fancied a day out in London together the day after the hen.

pictish · 16/04/2017 20:48

You don't invite your fella on a hen do. Neither do you combine a hen do with a weekend away with your boyfriend. Laura is tripping!

twisterinyogapants · 16/04/2017 20:48

Laura is in the wrong but who has a hen do before buying dresses Confused

Jux · 16/04/2017 20:48

It wasn't even a proper anniversary for Laura? So, she's taken advantage of going to London, and brushed everyone off in order to celebrate with her bf.

I'd not have her at the wedding if she'd done that to me. What her behaviour said was that at any opportunity she will be thinking of herself and not her friends, even at a hen do.

Unless her bf is abusive and forced her.

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