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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate people holding my newborn?

86 replies

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 14:53

That's it really, I hate it. Especially hate how people like to use newborns as photo props. And how people I haven't heard from in months suddenly want to rush over to 'have a cuddle'

Realise I sound like a miserable cow but I really don't like it - except very close family I don't want anyone having a hold/cuddle. Starting to turn down visitors just to avoid the inevitable 'can I have a cuddle'

I'm a first time mum - not sure if that's why I'm feeling so strongly about it!

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 16:10

ForTheSakeOfFuck:

Do you want my real opinion? Okay. If my DD wanted me not to hold her baby (and I don't mean monopolise him/her for hours) I would think she was very strange. It simply isn't the way we do things in our family and I would wonder what had gone wrong between us that there was so little trust. I would absolutely respect her wishes and wouldn't show her my feelings at all but I would be very hurt.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:13

June: I visit a new mom and she thrusts her baby into my arms saying here l know you want a go.

That is the weirdest thing. I just visited a new mother about four weeks ago who did more-or-less this, and remembering my own reaction with my own baby, I was all "Oh god no, not at all, she's not a parcel, don't feel obligated" etc. etc. I probably handled it very awkwardly tbh because it took me so much by surprise. She was absolutely adamant, though, and once I'd taken over she vanished into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I was just gobsmacked that she was happy for me to be in a totally different room with her weeks-old newborn despite only knowing me in passing. God knows the baby cuddles were magical but it reminded me forcibly how different we all are in our new-baby days.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 16/04/2017 16:14

I think it is quite natural to feel very protective of your newborn and to feel on edge when other people hold them. A lot of people don't feel that way (I didn't) but I don't think you are odd or peculiar at all because you do. I am sure I have read of mothers feeling similar to you on other sites.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 16/04/2017 16:16

Can I ask those who have felt this way how long it lasts? The reason I ask is that a couple I am friends with had a baby 3 months ago - before the birth (and during labour!) I was getting lots of texts saying how I was going to be 'aunty whatthefuck' and have a special role in the babies life. After he arrived I sent a pressie and a card, and got lovely message back with photos, again calling me aunty.
After 2 weeks I sent a message saying I'd love to pop in some time to meet him if that's ok, they live round the corner so I explained I'd be happy to stay just a few mins or longer, whatever they preferred. No response.

When he was 6 weeks old we were messaging again, all lovely until I mentioned maybe getting together, then it went silent again.
I've obviously taken the hint that they don't want to meet up right now so have stopped suggesting it, but the baby is now three months old and I'm wondering when I'll ever meet him!
So if you were a mum who wanted to keep your newborn away from others, how long did that last for??

GinIsIn · 16/04/2017 16:18

In the first 2 weeks, nevermind not wanting them to hold the baby, you should be telling them to piss off and come back in a few weeks time!

Although you have a baby less than a week old and you were sleeping?!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:19

Trifleorbust: Do you want my real opinion? Okay. If my DD wanted me not to hold her baby (and I don't mean monopolise him/her for hours) I would think she was very strange. It simply isn't the way we do things in our family and I would wonder what had gone wrong between us that there was so little trust. I would absolutely respect her wishes and wouldn't show her my feelings at all but I would be very hurt.

The monopolising thing is a good point, actually. Probably from my own unpleasant experiences, that's more what I had in mind, rather than a brief cuddle. That was the bit that nearly killed me with my own DS. I have to agree, if she literally didn't want you to touch the newborn at all, even for a brief two-minute hold, then there might be something to wonder about.

5moreminutes · 16/04/2017 16:20

I hated it too.

The worst thing is the pressure to pretend you're a cool mum and relaxed about it, and the know it all sanctimonious twats telling you to be grateful for things you don't want and that you'd moan if it wasn't happening.

People are different and there is a powerful instinct to keep a newborn close in the few months after they leave your body and before they can express any preference.

Mine are older now - I felt comfortable separating from my babies as they became capable of separation g fromme of their own accord (crawling, toddling, and so on - no problems waving them off at the door to catch the bus to school earlier than most UK parents would contemplate it, nor waving them off on school trips, just because I didn't joyfully hand them off them with anyone and everyone at a few days or weeks old.)

The newborn cuddle tourists are generally fair weather friends who lose interest once the newborn phase is over in my experience. The friends and family in it for the long haul are not the thick skinned grabby newborn groupies in it for the Kodak Moment or the newborn novelty where it could be any baby asking as it's small...

Not everyone wants to hand their babies offend they are small - it's such a brief moment, it's not lonely at all for many of us to keep our newborns close in a sling and go about our for a business and it's no more valid to insist it will be than that it won't.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 16/04/2017 16:22

Ps I don't have children myself but when other close friends have had babies they've wanted me to meet the baby within the first couple of weeks, so I'm prepared to accept that I had unrealistic expectations. But I am feeling a bit sad that it's looking like there is no prospect of meeting my new 'nephew' at all!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:24

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake I can only speak for my own case, which was made WAY worse by relatives trying to force the issue, but I think I started getting over the worst of mine - with them specifically - the minute he learned to crawl, because he then started to make his own very loud, inctrovertible decisions about who he wanted to be with.

With people that I genuinely trusted to hand baby back at the first hint, I found it much easier and was happy for them to have short cuddles even out of my direct eyeline when DS was quite small - about three or four months? I was still angsty about it, but nowhere near as bad as those first few weeks when I felt like I was tangled in live electric fencing every time someone held him.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 16:24

ForTheSakeOfFuck:

I think the onus is on the visitor to be respectful, or my hackles will definitely go up and I am very relaxed! My DD is 4 months but even a hint of someone trying to hold onto her when I have my arms out for her will result in me firmly removing her and not offering again.

If I had a rule book, it would go:

Wait until you are offered a hold
Read mum's signals - if she looks tense or anxious, offer to hand baby back
Do not attempt to remove baby from mum
Do not disagree when mum says she thinks baby wants to come back to her

People who follow those rules stay on my relaxed side!

BeaderBird · 16/04/2017 16:25

I was the same - made my blood boil and I had to seriously grit my teeth.

It becomes less fierce after a few months but not much x

StarUtopia · 16/04/2017 16:25

Just bear in mind...

If you invite a close friend (of 20yrs+) over to meet you and said newborn, and they won't even let you cuddle newborn, frankly you're being overly precious and somewhat rude imo.

BeaderBird · 16/04/2017 16:28

Trifle - if only.

I will never ever forget standing with my arms open while my baby cried and I was made to wait a long, long minute while this person tried to 'shush' her. My baby was crying for milk and as a first time mum, barely stringing a sentence together on Day 5, I had never felt so murderous.

I'll never let that happen again. I felt powerless as I didn't want to come across as a mad woman.

BuckinghamLass · 16/04/2017 16:31

YANBU. I am not maternal or clucky over small babies and never expected to feel this way but the force of feeling over this really surprised me.

The feeling abated after about two months but it was strong while it was there.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:32

Trifleorbust: I think the onus is on the visitor to be respectful, or my hackles will definitely go up and I am very relaxed! My DD is 4 months but even a hint of someone trying to hold onto her when I have my arms out for her will result in me firmly removing her and not offering again.

This ^^. So, so much. This was where it all went horribly, horribly wrong for me and the ILs. I should have realised the first time MIL was holding DS, he started to cry, and she walked out of the room with him, telling me she'd sort him out. He was hungry. And breastfeeding. WTF was she going to do? (She was going to make him formula, as it turned out, but she didn't get the chance.) Anyway, your rules are perfect and if I could have a giant poster made of them for when the DTDs arrive, it would be stuck up in every room for when visitors first start arriving.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 16:32

BeaderBird:

I would have physically removed the baby. That is dreadful and probably why so many new mums get so anxious.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 16:33

ForTheSakeOfFuck:

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 16/04/2017 16:34

See I think I'm a very respectful visitor (although admittedly I would think that!), I never ask to hold a baby and if I do hold them I give them back at the slightest squawk because I'm not really massively into babies, I don't particularly enjoy holding them and I definitely have no interest in holding a crying baby!
I do however like to meet them because I care about them by virtue of caring about their parents, and it's nice to meet the tiny human who has entered the world and become part of the 'family'.
Trouble is these friends aren't even giving me a chance to show what a non baby grabber I am as they don't even want to meet up! And yet they want me to be his aunty.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:41

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake The other thing I'd say is that the sleep-deprivation in the first few months years is brutal. And then they get colds. And then they teeth. And then you get their bugs and wish you could just fall off the edge of the planet. Somehow, despite doing not very much in that first year of their life, they keep you close to the edge of being overwhelmed. Then you have a good day and think "OMG I could actually have a coffee with a frie- wait. Is that snot? You have another cold. Fuck my life."

The idea of hosting anyone in my first year was enough to make me want to cry. Unless it was someone who could see me in pyjamas with greasy hair and unbrushed teeth, then the sheer slog of getting myself and then the house anything like presentable was just appalling. Don't think of it as something you're doing wrong.

Adjusting to parenthood is like being handed a massive, screaming blender full of baby puke and poo that starts and stops totally at random, and has a very loose lid. Being a gracious host in the midst of that takes the sort of calm, unflappable character that some people simply don't have.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 16/04/2017 16:46

ForTheSakeOf, I do always try to make it clear that I don't expect anyone to get dressed or stand on ceremony when I pop round, and also that they are welcome to bring the baby round to mine if that's easier, I am literally ten minutes all away. I can only imagine how hard and exhausting it is, and I'm not going to suggest any more meet ups as I don't want them to feel pressured at all.
I just feel a bit sad but I know I just have to accept it. Hopefully I'll be able to meet at some point before he leaves home :)

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 16:48

Hmm I've learned that people can get offended if you don't ask to hold their baby when you come over to "meet" him/her. I'm not fussed about tiny tiny babies myself (love toddlers and children) but having offended in the past I now always ask. People may just feel under a social obligation.

cansu · 16/04/2017 16:51

Get a grip! Most people like to hold a newborn if only for a few minutes! Actually people who only care or are interested in their own kids are more worrying tbh. You sound petulant and a bit mean spirited. If I was a friend of yours I would be giving you a wide berth. As someone said earlier you will soon be moaning that no one gives a shit about you and your baby. Thank god you are not my friend. A friend and colleague of mine had a baby fairly recently. She is happy to meet up for a cuppa and is secure and unprecious enough to hand over her lovely daughter for a cuddle whilst having a sandwich or cake without all your pathetic angst.

CherriesInTheSnow · 16/04/2017 16:55

"pathetic angst"

ODFOD

summerfling · 16/04/2017 16:58

Only a select few have held my newborn....not because I don't want them to but solely because I don't see people!

cansu · 16/04/2017 17:01

Of course when you dislike someone else's opinion tell them to f off. It is pathetic and precious. I have children. I have had visitors. I have friends who have had children. I have only ever read about this kind of crap on mumsnet. We are not talking about people taking a baby away from its mum for a long time. We are talking about a friend visiting and holding the baby for a short time.

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