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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate people holding my newborn?

86 replies

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 14:53

That's it really, I hate it. Especially hate how people like to use newborns as photo props. And how people I haven't heard from in months suddenly want to rush over to 'have a cuddle'

Realise I sound like a miserable cow but I really don't like it - except very close family I don't want anyone having a hold/cuddle. Starting to turn down visitors just to avoid the inevitable 'can I have a cuddle'

I'm a first time mum - not sure if that's why I'm feeling so strongly about it!

OP posts:

SpecialStains · 16/04/2017 15:41

I still feel like that about DS 8months. It's not rational, I know, but I can't help feeling that way. I fucking hate it when people wander out of my sight with him as well.

I agree with pp that, to me, my little baby feels like an extension of me. I'm still breastfeeding and get the milk let down reflex whenever he cries or when he's due a feed - I'm definitely biologically linked to him!

The worst is when people don't automatically hand the baby back when he gets upset and say stuff like 'but I've only just got to hold him'. Makes me stabby!

GinIsIn · 16/04/2017 15:47

How new is your newborn? I might have felt a bit like you at first.... he's 8 weeks now and I will chuck him at anyone who volunteers to get a few minutes with the use of both my arms

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 15:47

Hmm.. Interesting responses

Just to enlighten the people who seem angry or offended at my post.. I actually had plans for loads of friends and family to come over quite soon but after the birth I felt completely different and I was quite surprised by how strongly I felt about it.

Had a few complications with the delivery- not sure if that has anything to do with it?

My baby isn't a week old yet

OP posts:

TheFirstMrsDV · 16/04/2017 15:48

I LOVE holding newborns and will always ask for a cuddle.
I wouldn't want to cuddle a baby if their mother didn't want me to though.
People will ask, its normal and to be expected.
Its fine for you to say 'not right now if you dont mind'. If they get snarky they are being unreasonable.

Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are abnormal or wrong.
Far to much snarking at new mothers happens on MN.
No one can accuse me of being PFB.
I have five DCs.

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 15:49

And I'm completely fine/comfortable with close family, it's just the people popping up I haven't seen or heard from in absolutely ages

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 16/04/2017 15:49

YADNBU. It's maternal protection, who cares if it's irrational, it's just part of that overwhelming love you feel and different people feel it differently and NO-ONE has the right to argue with you if you're not comfortable with them holding your LO, your baby is not someone else's toy.
God, I feel quite angry on your behalf, where are you, I'll come and growl at them (over-protective nana here...)

GinIsIn · 16/04/2017 15:51

If your baby is not even a week old, where on earth are you encountering all these ransoms you haven't seen for ages?

Just take it easy at this point and do whatever feels right to you, and further down the line you will probably relax a bit.

Congrats!

coconutpie · 16/04/2017 15:51

Nope, YANBU at all.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 15:52

I understand it entirely. Some people are super relaxed about their newborn DCs. I was not one of them and that's an understatement. I also get the "using baby as a prop" thing. I had people come over with outfits, who wanted me to wake my DS up after I'd finally got him to sleep, dress him in the outfit, and let them take pictures.

No.

Don't worry, OP. There are very sensible biological reasons behind being protective of our DC, and for some of us it fires off extremely strongly directly after birth. Somehow, people get it entirely when it's a mother animal with her newborn offspring - we respect the fact that she may have absolutely no tolerance for curious visitors grabbing her newborn, no matter how well-meaning the visitor is. There isn't much reasoning with the reaction, like you can't reason with how much you love your DC, or why you blink when something flies at your face. It's hard-wired. Probably, the intensity of the feeling will gradually subside, and you'll feel a bit more relaxed, but till then, do what makes you comfortable, and hold onto your baby.

INeedNewShoes · 16/04/2017 15:52

Gosh OP it's very early days for you to be inundated with visitors. I'm not at all surprised that a few days post birth you feel like this if you've had so many visitors. Aren't our hormones designed to do this so soon after birth?

I'm 36 weeks' and I've said 'no visitors' for the first week apart from my parents who will be staying with me to help out. I'll allow them some cuddles however I feel about it though!

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 15:53

Fenella- I'm not encountering them, I'm at home and they know where I live and invited themselves over.

OP posts:

OhhBetty · 16/04/2017 15:53

You'll be glad of it one day! Trust!

ArriettyClock1 · 16/04/2017 15:54

Totally daft - enjoy that people want to hold your baby and stop being ridiculous. This will be over in the blink of an eye.

I have zero desire to hold babies; never have. But I know most people seem to love it.

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 15:55

Also my family like sharing and including everyone and I've woken up and had visitors waiting.. I do love that people care about my baby! I just feel really uncomfortable with it this early. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll feel completely different.

Just wasn't sure if it was normal to feel this way at the start!

OP posts:

GloriaGilbert · 16/04/2017 15:56

Soon enough they'll be toddlers and no one will be that interested.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 15:57

I think most of my relatives would be genuinely upset to hear that I hated them holding my baby. They're just trying to express love. I don't mind at all, unless they're pushy/refuse to give her back.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 15:59

INeed: I'll allow them some cuddles however I feel about it though! That's what I thought, and then the moment arrives and I found that I would rather walk over hot coals. I did actually do it, but I hid upstairs in near-hysterics, and when I went back down to reclaim DS, I was told I was being selfish. That ended in gigantic, monumental fireworks, so we won't be doing that again.

OP, I forgot to add - for my DTDs (due in about thirteen weeks) I've insisted on a fortnight of absolutely no visitors unless and until I request them. The relatives have grudgingly agreed, though I suspect mainly because it's just not so exciting the second time round. If you do decide to have another, and you now know that this is who you are directly after childbirth, you might want to consider something similar. Some people I know have given out false due-dates to prevent the ones who would ignore them from turning up anyway. Things to think about.

GloriaGilbert · 16/04/2017 16:01

I had people come over with outfits, who wanted me to wake my DS up after I'd finally got him to sleep, dress him in the outfit, and let them take pictures.

Really? This really, really happened?

nuttyknitter · 16/04/2017 16:01

Yet another example of Mumsnetters living in a parallel universe. Get a grip OP.

CherriesInTheSnow · 16/04/2017 16:02

Why are people saying it's ridiculous and daft?? Honestly..

Lots of mums feel this way. The day I bought my DD home (first baby) I was overrun with visitors, some of whom also thought it appropriate to bring their small children with them, and I felt completely driven up the walls, expected to stand there letting people hold her and pass her around between them, with me getting more and more internally twitchy. I locked myself in the bedroom with her after some relatives let all 3 of their young children climb on me holding DD.

I was extremely happy that people were so in love with DD. There is not a correlation between hormones and new mum feelings telling you you want to hold your baby yourself all the time, and being ungrateful that people want to cherish your new offspring.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:03

Trifle That's pretty sad from the other side though, don't you think? Imagine your DD (hypothetical, if you don't have one) said to you, "Mum, I'd love you to hold her but honestly it's awful. I can't even explain it. I feel utterly distraught at the idea. Can you give me time?" You might be sad, and I would be too if my DDs said the same, but what would you do? I'd like to think that would suck it up, tell my DD "Whenever you're ready. I want to do this when you want me to" and let her have her space.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 16:06

Me: I had people come over with outfits, who wanted me to wake my DS up after I'd finally got him to sleep, dress him in the outfit, and let them take pictures.

GloriaGilbert: Really? This really, really happened?

You don't really want to hear stories of my MIL, do you? I mean, I will, if you like, but this was one of her classic moves in the beginning. Her argument was that she was coming from miles away (true), she wouldn't get to see him in the stuff she'd bought otherwise, and she wanted pictures to show off to her friends. She had the same ideas about wanting cuddles even if he was breastfeeding or asleep.

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 16:06

ForTheSakeOfFuck - makes sense; thank you

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 16/04/2017 16:06

I find it happens to me the other way around. I visit a new mom and she thrusts her baby into my arms saying here l know you want a go. But actually lm happy to coo from a distance as l believe babies belong with their parents. Everywhere l go this happens and then theyre taking pictures of me etc. So maybe people feel if they didnt gush and coo you wouldnt think they were suitably excited.
In the animal world a mother would kill if you touched her baby.

Original poster

Lillyrose2 · 16/04/2017 16:09

Yes there's definitely no correlation for me between how I feel and being ungrateful- it's a shame that connection is immediately made! I really enjoy everything else and appreciate it all.

OP posts:

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