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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For some of the family to go away at half term?

96 replies

Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 11:33

Tricky dilemma. Dd1 is in Year 11 so has GCSEs coming up soon. We had a lovely family holiday last summer but could all do with a short break even if just for a few days.

We thought about going away over Christmas/New Year but didn't because dd had Mocks in January so thought she needed to be at home to work. She did pretty much NO work

Now we are having a debate about some of us having a few days away over May half term while dd1 in the midst of exams. We were thinking of either me or dh with either one or two younger children (dd1 is oldest of 3) so dd1 would always have a parent at home with her. And perhaps dh and I could have a few days each so we both get a break.

Dd1 is not happy about this and feels she would be missing out.

We will be having a family holiday this summer too just haven't booked anything yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 14:14

Can just imagine saying to one child 'Sorry love, DDX & I are off to (insert warm sunny place) for a week, see you when we get back

Errmm metalmum I suggest you read the thread.....

OP posts:

TheNoodlesIncident · 16/04/2017 14:23

How did you justify the extra holiday you and DD1 had at Center Parcs last year to your other dcs? Did they mind her getting a treat they weren't?

Does DD1 think that it was fair that she had that then, when the other dcs didn't? How does she compare the situations? It does seem like a total cheek to object to her siblings having a holiday without her, given she's up one holiday on them...

5madthings · 16/04/2017 14:23

We haven't done trips abroad, more trips to stay with family etc. . Anyway it works well and ds1 isn't remotely bothered. Guess it depends on the child /almost adult as he is 18 on Aug.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 14:29

How did you justify the extra holiday you and DD1 had at Center Parcs last year to your other dcs? Did they mind her getting a treat they weren't?

My middle one did a bit noodle

Oh I don't know....

OP posts:

bigmac4me · 16/04/2017 14:31

I know you have been given a bit of a hard time on this thread, OP. But perhaps if you could explain the "need" for the holiday others may be more understanding. You say you are going away in the summer, so it's perhaps difficult to understand why the half term holiday (6 or so weeks beforehand) is so vital.

I'm not being PA, with disabled children myself and now foster children from difficult situations, a short break often saves our lives. Just to get away from things at home makes such a difference. Giving children (who haven't had the attention we wished because of having been focused on other's need) some fun time away was important. We can't afford it now but when we could it gave us all enough energy and strength to cope with things better when we returned home. So I promise I understand the "need" for a holiday. It's just that we don't understand your families "need".

(Once took a short break in May along with my daughter and her books, kidding ourselves she would have time to revise for her GCSEs in the evening - don't think a book was even opened once!)

Aderyn2016 · 16/04/2017 14:36

I have done this. Had big event abroad and took younger dc out of school to go. Older dc were doing A levels and couldn't be taken out of school without it having a detrimental effect on their education. I felt guilty about it but youngest dc had never been on a foreign holiday before whereas older dc had quite a few when smaller and truthfully, if I had taken older dc then the cost would have skyrocketed to the point where none of us could have gone.

I figure that it is not actually essential to do the exact same things with all dc at the exact same time, so long as it balances out in the end and that the needs of each dc are not exactly the same at any given time and so fair doesn't always = exactly the same treatment.
I will take older dc on holiday in the summer, hopefully (if dc1 isn't working). The important thing is to make sure it roughly balances out overall amd that everyone gets their specific needs met.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/04/2017 14:38

The last day of school for Year 11 is the Last Friday in June, which this year is the 30th.

You should have her GCSE time table already. My DS last exam is the 16th June.

Is it really that hard for you to book then?

relaxo · 16/04/2017 14:40

Ds1 is doing GCSEs this year and I've taken ds2 away for the weekend.

I plan to do the same over half term. It's pretty stressful at the moment and it's good for ds2 to have some space to relax. We've been doing stuff that ds1 wouldn't want to do anyway ski don't feel guilty.

Ds1 is with his dad and I'm a lone parent so it's been good for me too.

relaxo · 16/04/2017 14:40

I think that you need to remind dd that she went on a trip without siblings last year so she needs to suck it up.

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 14:53

I think that you need to remind dd that she went on a trip without siblings last year so she needs to suck it up.

Well you can remind her and tell her to suck it up but is it really worth risking her ballsing up her GCSEs so you can "win"? Her GCSE results have a shit load more benefit to her future than her having to sit this holiday out because she got one last year. It's really short sighted to think of this in that way. If she is likely to be resentful and refuse to study in protest then sack the holiday off.

chickenjalfrezi · 16/04/2017 15:23

is it really worth her ballsing up her GCSEs so you can win?'

If this is really her attitude in response by refusing to study, then OP really has a lot more issues on her hands than missing a holiday.

As she progresses through life and if her GCSEs weren't as great as she should do, if her reason is 'it's because my family went on holiday without me' she'll be laughed out of almost situations.

My mother was very ill and went away to stay with family during my entire exam period so as not to disrupt me and left me with my useless father who was no support at all. Tough at the time but I just got on with it. As OP's daughter should do for her siblings going away with ONE parents for a short break in half term.

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 15:58

If this is really her attitude in response by refusing to study, then OP really has a lot more issues on her hands than missing a holiday.

Not necessarily, 15/16 year olds don't always think that far ahead, they don't know the actual real life consequences whereas her parent, the adult, does and can do some damage control.

As she progresses through life and if her GCSEs weren't as great as she should do, if her reason is 'it's because my family went on holiday without me' she'll be laughed out of almost situations.

There is nothing to suggest she will go through life with that attitude. Most people mature, it just isnt generally before their GCSEs.

A parent's illness and an optional family holiday aren't comparable.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 16/04/2017 16:45

Glad you are not my mother!

Taking your children on a break/holiday without their siblings is really mean.

For me it's like saying; "your siblings are more important at this time than you" even if it does mean that the role is reversed because then the OTHER siblings would feel like that.

For bloody hell sake, treat all kids equal and don't exclude your child/ren for whatever reason.

Crumbs1 · 16/04/2017 17:21

You aren't wanting to be around for her exams? Taking others away? Just plain mean and selfish. Take a long weekend when the exams are over.

metalmum15 · 16/04/2017 17:44

Dancer I did read the thread. My comment was in response to your post stating you were a little surprised that some families only go away as a whole family, and not one parent / one child while the others stay at home. And personally I couldn't imagine that working for us, but if it works for others then so be it.

metalmum15 · 16/04/2017 17:44

Original poster

Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 17:55

Ok but 2 or even 3 members of a family going away for a few days whilst leaving one parent at home is wildly different to the rest of the family just buggering off on holiday leaving little regard for the exam child at home.

And I am surprised it's so frowned upon. I know of families where one parent and one child have gone away on holiday or one parent has gone with both children without their other half, for a variety of reasons.

And I would agree that being fair sometimes means they don't get exactly the same thing at the same time.

OP posts:

Emboo19 · 16/04/2017 17:57

How old are the younger dc? Could you or dh take them for a weekend away to somewhere the eldest wouldn't really like, then when exams are finished the other parent take dd for a weekend away?

If not I'd be inclined to say it's not fair, but I'm a only child so never been in this situation.

Aftershock15 · 16/04/2017 18:03

I suspect that those of us that think this is a fine and normal thing to do will never agree with those that feel this is some sort of child abuse and will leave a lasting mark on your dd. It does seem rather ironic to me that we get lots of posts complaining about 'entitled' people and here is a teen behaving little an entitled little madam, in my opinion, and everyone is saying pander to her. Why should everyone else's life go on hold. If she throws a strop and won't work, well failing or under performing in GCSEs isn't the end of the world.

I would maybe offer a compromise - talk to her about what she needs to achieve so that she can move on to whatever she is planning for next year. Ask her what she needs to do to achieve that. Agree that if she feels she is on track that you and her will have a night or 2 away at half term, but that you will not book until the last minute. Send the others away for the week. By half term she may have changed her mind anyway, but if not take her away. If she is in a panic by half term and you had all planned to go away that could ruin everyone's holiday anyway.

My ds knows the grades he needs and pretty much knows what to do. We have talked about what happens if it all goes pear shaped as we don't have a plan B. I know from experience that you can't actually make children revise, you can just offer support. It's actually easier to do this when their aren't siblings round vying for attention.

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 18:13

will never agree with those that feel this is some sort of child abuse and will leave a lasting mark on your dd.

yes, because that's what people have said.

daisypond · 16/04/2017 18:16

I think people have different attitudes or experiences as regards a "break" and that might affect their opinions as to whether or not it's reasonable. To some people, a break is their one holiday a year - it's a significant thing, looked forward to all year, and it would be unfair for a DC to be excluded. To others, a break is one of several holidays, minor or major, even if it's just a few days or a weekend, and for a DC to miss one might not be such a big deal if there are other breaks planned or possible.

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