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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For some of the family to go away at half term?

96 replies

Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 11:33

Tricky dilemma. Dd1 is in Year 11 so has GCSEs coming up soon. We had a lovely family holiday last summer but could all do with a short break even if just for a few days.

We thought about going away over Christmas/New Year but didn't because dd had Mocks in January so thought she needed to be at home to work. She did pretty much NO work Hmm

Now we are having a debate about some of us having a few days away over May half term while dd1 in the midst of exams. We were thinking of either me or dh with either one or two younger children (dd1 is oldest of 3) so dd1 would always have a parent at home with her. And perhaps dh and I could have a few days each so we both get a break.

Dd1 is not happy about this and feels she would be missing out.

We will be having a family holiday this summer too just haven't booked anything yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 12:25

Is there even a weekend or day for a trip spare in between exams and ncs?

Not really but dd1 has plenty of fun stuff planned. Year 11 prom, her 16th birthday party...and we (except dd3) are going to see Michael Macintyre just before NCS starts.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 16/04/2017 12:27

Blimey... you go on a lot of holidays! Do you always generally go away every time there's a school break?

Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 12:29

No we don't ilike but we might have a few short breaks during the year. This thread wasn't about what we spend our money on.

OP posts:
acquiescence · 16/04/2017 12:30

What not stay in a cottage so she can come and do her work? Or just plan some day trips or an odd night away so she can come too.

BanginChoons · 16/04/2017 12:30

You say you are "trying to be fair to all the dc" but how are you possibly being fair by excluding one of them? Being fair in a separate holiday situation would be taking the younger two away for a few days while the eldest takes a holiday with her friends or similar, not while she revises for her exams. Your children do not desparately need a break 4 times a year. I have booked a week in a caravan which will be my 12 year old 's second holiday ever. Guess what, she has survived this far!

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 16/04/2017 12:32

It wasn't about the money, just the idea that you seem to feel like you are missing out on something if you don't go away at half term because you didn't go away at Christmas.

We do go away a couple of times a year on short breaks while DCs are at GPs and then a summer holiday. DS1 is in year 11 and there is no way we are going anywhere in May half term : but then we wouldn't ever go anywhere with just the other child; just hasn't occurred to me to do that.

I agree that resentment is not a good atmosphere for quality revision.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 12:34

bang I know it's not a holiday as such, but dd1 regularly takes part in youth dance productions which cost a few hundred pounds a time.

OP posts:
VacantExpression · 16/04/2017 12:36

I don't think your younger children "need" to go away similar to other pp - but then your eldest didn't "need" centre parcs last year did she.

I think there are pros and cons either way- she gets more peace and quiet at home with the little ones away and surely she should see the benefits of that? Especially with all the treats she has lined up- does she have no perspective at all?

disclaimer- my eldest is only 12 so I haven't "done" the teenage years yet.,. but I can remember being one, the oldest of 3 too.

chickenjalfrezi · 16/04/2017 12:41

Haven't RTFT but two things stick out.

Her lack of revision for mocks which needs to be addressed for GCSEs regardless of holiday or not.

She got a trip last summer with you without other DC and doubt they complained this much.

It's okay for families to do stuff in batches as it's not always possible to coordinate being together. I would say YABU if you were leaving her totally alone and recipe for disaster too.

I think given the drip feed about all the things she has coming up, she needs to suck it up a bit.

gillybeanz · 16/04/2017 12:41

OP, if you are who I think you are Grin then I'm going against the grain.
YANBU, but people on here won't understand the sacrifices that have been made for young dancergirl.

We are lucky as only one to consider in our plans, but if dd had other young siblings we too would be considering the same.

Maybe just talk to her about the sacrifices you have all made at certain times to accommodate her and obviously whilst you would never have stopped her or not encouraged her that you have the others to consider too.

I can't believe she's Y11 already, the time certainly goes very quickly. Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 12:44

Hang on. Op took her to center parcs last year by herself because the others weren't available. This is doing the same with the other dcs now she's not available.

How well does she work with reasoning this type of argument through? No point stating the obvious about how she could have gone away but for her mocks at xmas when she did no work. I'd probably negotiate something nice for her either the two of you or some kind of treat in return whilst still reiterating she already has the time away minus her siblings.

I know teenagers are sensitive and tend to think the world is against them. But it isn't necessarily doing her any favours to appease her when she's denying something for her siblings she was happy to have for herself last year.

HotelEuphoria · 16/04/2017 12:50

It sounds to me as though you aren't getting the approval you hoped you would Hmm

Aftershock15 · 16/04/2017 12:53

Well I have the one doing GCSEs at home at the moment & dh is on holiday for a week with the others. It's not like he is locked away revising the whole time - we've had various treats & trips out. He finishes school early and has an expensive trip away booked.

Before we got onto the exam treadmill we always went away at Easter and May half term. We now have 4 years of someone doing exams. Don't see why the little ones shouldn't get holidays. Luckily ours understand that being fair doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same at the same time.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 16/04/2017 12:58

That sounds nice Aftershock but that's now no May half term, which makes a difference in my head.

I guess if that's the way a family dynamic works , it's lovely - but it sounds like OP will have a sulky DD1 (whether she is right to sulk or not is a moot point) who will not, therefore, want to revise.

However, the pressure will be really on by that point so she may change her view.

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 13:05

Personally, as GCSEs are pretty important, I would be inclined to placate the one sitting them in order to get the best possible work out of her. Even if she doesn't deserve to have the family dance to her tune right now, teens can be arses and not realise just how important their GCSEs are so I wouldn't want to sabotage her future options because she was in a grump over Easter break. I'd offer her to come away and study or to all stay at home and support her study, whatever will make her least resentful just to get her through the exams. Then take everyone else where you like once she has sat them and she can silk all she wants. The rams exams would be over so there would be no long term consequences of her sulking in June. Grin

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 13:07

Sulk! And I don't know where rams came from. I got a C in English language Hmm Grin

chickenjalfrezi · 16/04/2017 13:08

But Zilphas she didn't work when the family did dance to her tune at Christmas! So no guarantees even if everyone stays home she'll actually revise anyway.

ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 13:12

I know, however if she is even less likely to revise because of sulking when they go away then I would choose to stay at home. TBH it sounds like OP is saying "ah fuck it DD, do what you like, we're going on holidays" as some sort of punishment for her not studying at xmas.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 13:13

hotel I wasn't looking for approval, I was looking for opinions. And I am trying to take them on board. And yes of course they are important exams and dd needs full support, I am not denying that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 16/04/2017 13:17

She is revising now chicken Not as much as I would like but she is working. And I've organised private tuition for some subjects at her request.

And no zilphas I am not saying that at all. I am weighing things up, I thought that was the point of AIBU??

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 16/04/2017 13:19

And no zilphas I am not saying that at all. I am weighing things up, I thought that was the point of AIBU??

Fair enough, that's how it comes across to me though. And possibly to your DD.

jay55 · 16/04/2017 13:21

I don't think it's so bad. The youngest will have a quieter home to prepare for their exams when the time comes. Clearing the others out so the oldest can focus sounds fair.

metalmum15 · 16/04/2017 13:43

I could never imagine going away as half a family. That's the whole point of family holidays. Can just imagine saying to one child 'Sorry love, DDX & I are off to (insert warm sunny place) for a week, see you when we get back! ' If you've already got one holiday booked, why do you need another? It's not essential. Instead, over May half term, why not do some nice days out? Maybe take the other children somewhere they particularly want to go that eldest doesn't while she's revising, then make sure she has something special to look forward to at the end of all her hard work.

foundoutyet · 16/04/2017 14:01

Aftershock : Luckily ours understand that being fair doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same at the same time.

I agree so much .
I would not use it as punishment for her not revising at Xmas. Just that GCSE exams are important so she stays at home. But not that everyone else have to put their lives on hold for it.

5madthings · 16/04/2017 14:05

We have done this for gcse and a levels. We did it this Easter, Dh took four middle kids, I stayed home with ds1 revising for a levels and baby. It means ds1 gets peace and quiet to revise and we had some good chat and quiet meals together. We are all going on holiday in July and he has his own things planned for after exams etc. Works well for our family.

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