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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex expecting me to get the train..

102 replies

andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 09:18

Ex's brother and his gf had their first baby a week ago. They live an hour away in the same town as ex (ex moved down there after we broke up). It would take 2 trains and cost me £30 to get there but he says I need to take dd to meet her cousin. He said he's not a taxis service and I shouldn't expect him to drive him to pick dd up to drive back down and then drive back up to drop her off.

Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 15/04/2017 10:34

Sorry - posted too soon - I meant the last sentence to be what you could say to him.

Ceto · 15/04/2017 10:39

Clearly you aren't stopping her from seeing his family, as you have never suggested that you would prevent him from picking her up and taking her. He's just too lazy/tight to come and get her.

pictish · 15/04/2017 10:53

Even if the scenario was that he is totally tied up and just could not find the time to facilitate this meeting (unlikely but let's just say), the normal response would be for him to approach you acknowledging that it's a big ask, a favour to him and that you have the right to say no.

But that's not what is happening. This is about control.

innagazing · 15/04/2017 11:04

If 'family' contact is really so important to him' why the hell is he buggering off for two years abroad?
Yanbu, he could, and should, easily take her to see the new baby himself.
Practise being assertive with him, as other people on here have suggested.. Say what you need to say to him, and don't let him prolong the conversation into an argument- tell him you're not prepared to discuss it further and put the phone down, or walk away if you're face to face with him.

Cherrysoup · 15/04/2017 11:07

Good for you, OP. He's not in charge of you, please don't let him guilt you into stuff when he could come and get his dd himself.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 15/04/2017 11:11

Not your circus.

AlternativeTentacle · 15/04/2017 11:12

I've just called him and told him I'm not doing it, and he accused me of stopping her from seeing her family.

It seems to me you are setting yourself up here. Why even phone to tell him? He is not your keeper.

PovertyPain · 15/04/2017 11:19

You've made the first step, op. He will probably try to bully you or get his family to phone you and try to guilt trip you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

TalkingintheDark · 15/04/2017 11:19

Exactly. Why are you even phoning him at all? With someone like this you need to keep it to email/text contact only except in emergencies.

If he wants her to meet her cousin, he takes her himself. It really couldn't be simpler - if there were no long-standing abusive/controlling dynamics involved.

It sounds like you've never really separated from him somehow and that's a shitty place to be.

I would suggest you do the Freedom Programme. It could be a really great support for you and you deserve that.

TalkingintheDark · 15/04/2017 11:21

The gall of him saying he's not a taxi service in relation to a family event on his side that he wants her to go to!!

What would happen if you used the same line to him? It would make far more sense for you to be telling him that you are not a travel escort service!

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 15/04/2017 11:23

I think this is connected to his departure. It's possible that this is a classic displacement activity. He subconsciously realises what an appalling thing he's doing by deserting his only child and is flailing about trying to focus on trivial things and lashing out finding other people to blame for things to lessen his own guilt. I'm not justifying his behaviour, which is clearly appalling, just explaining - even nasty pieces of work operate according to normal human principles of behaviour. Unfortunately this doesn't help the OP.

There is scope for a grown up discussion about all this behaviour, but it doesn't sound like the OP is psychologically able to have it, and the damage is done now - he's already made his choice.

WitchQueenofNewOrleans · 15/04/2017 11:26

His family are asking to see her and he's blaming you.

You think that he is going to be away for 2 years that he'd want to spend time with her. I guess he's out boozing with his mates having leaving parties etc.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 15/04/2017 11:31

He just wants the satisfaction of controlling you. He wants to see spending a whole day doing his bidding because he said so.

Quite.

Well done for refusing, OP. He can't control you like he thinks he can and that'll be making him fume right now. Grin

pictish · 15/04/2017 11:44

He'll be furious...outraged...not to have got his own way.
Be prepared for further backlash yet. Flick it away...like a fly.

Nousernameforme · 15/04/2017 11:52

Everytime he comes back with something just say noones stopping you taking her

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/04/2017 11:59

I'm sorry that he clearly did such a good job' on you that you did anything other than laugh. You definiteltly still have work to do on realising what a controlling, stupid, twat he is!

Still. We'll put you straight 😊

'He's not a taxi'. 😂😂🤣😂🤣

If HE wants HIS daughter to go somewhere then it's HIS responsibility to get her there. It's not rocket science.

WTAF does he think you are? A Child Delivery Service?

Twat.

HappyFlappy · 15/04/2017 12:01

As others have said - let hi shift his arse if it bothers him s much.

AND - if their baby only arrived a week ago, the new mam is probably not bothered about ads of visitors - probably sick of the sight of people TBH. Send a card and a small welcome gift, and give them you best wishes.

Look at the pictures on FB and tell them what a lovely baby they have.

KingsCross88 · 15/04/2017 12:22

You didn't explain why her father isn't arranging this visit. Is it the usual - useless, feckless arsehole?

There's really no reason at all for you to be in contact with his family anymore. After a split it really should be the case that he organizes any contact with his family. If he can't be arsed, that doesn't mean it falls on you. If you want to accommodate them fine, but make sure it's convenient to you.

SoulAccount · 15/04/2017 12:29

"There's really no reason at all for you to be in contact with his family anymore"

However much of a fecking arsehole the father is many women do consider it in the child's best interests to keep contact with both sides of their child's family. And make the extra effort on their part rather than make it a stand off.

No need to be rushing down at his beck and call, but there may come a time when your dd appreciates a relationship with her cousin(s).

Original poster
andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 12:52

A pp is spot on by saying he's more interested in spending his last few weekends here having leaving parties and getting pissed etc. He's not seeing dd this weekend now because I won't go down today. What's stopping him picking her up today or tomorrow? He's full of shit.

I do need to learn how to be more assertive. I'm much better than I used to me which shows how bad I must have been when we were actually together.

Is it wrong that I can't wait for him to fuck off? Feel bad saying that cos dd will be without her dad for 2 years.

OP posts:
GeillisTheWitch · 15/04/2017 13:02

Is it wrong that I can't wait for him to fuck off? Feel bad saying that cos dd will be without her dad for 2 years

Nope, I'd feel the same. Sounds like he brings nothing positive to you or your DD anyway. Hope you have your maintenance arrangements sorted before he goes.

Astro55 · 15/04/2017 13:09

You need some stock answers

'I'll think about it'
'No wint work'
'Sorry you'll have to think of another plan'

Don't excuse - don't explain - don't get dragged into an argument -

Keep it simple

Whys bows etc aren't his business

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 15/04/2017 13:17

God I feel feel for you OP, he sounds awful!

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/04/2017 13:29

You're 'stopping' her seeing her family - which basically means his view of contact is that he and his family sit there on their bums and wait for you to ferry dd there to present her for 'seeing'.

What is he, part of the royal family or something? Unless you're under contract as a Norland Nanny, fuck that.

As pp says, it's all about control, laziness and expectation that inferior beings with vaginas are there to enable and do what he can't be buggered to. Not something you want dd to learn and internalise.

innagazing · 15/04/2017 13:30

I can fully understand why you are looking forward to him being abroad for a couple of years, and it will give you peace of mind.
However, it could be very hard for your daughter to cope with, and you should tell him that he needs to explain to her why he is going away and to reassure her, and to tell her what contact they will be having during this period. there's skype, telephone calls and letters and postcards that if all used regularly, will go some way to reassure her that he is still a part of her life (I'm afraid you have to just suck that bit up, as it's in DD's best interests).
Most people have opportunities to return to their home country fairly regularly- will he? This will make it much easier for DD to deal with...