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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex expecting me to get the train..

102 replies

andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 09:18

Ex's brother and his gf had their first baby a week ago. They live an hour away in the same town as ex (ex moved down there after we broke up). It would take 2 trains and cost me £30 to get there but he says I need to take dd to meet her cousin. He said he's not a taxis service and I shouldn't expect him to drive him to pick dd up to drive back down and then drive back up to drop her off.

Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

life07 · 15/04/2017 09:48

he sounds awful op, as he's going away I would make it clear now that it not your responsibility to travel to see his family while he is gone and that if anyone would like to see your child they come to you.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/04/2017 09:50

He wants his daughter to see his new niece and you to spend a day and money providing the courier service because he can't be arsed? You know the answer to this one.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 15/04/2017 09:50

I didn't mean leads to - obviously men like him behave like twats because they choose to be twats. But acceptance of unreasonable male behaviour (by society ... both men and women) and the expectation that women will pick up the slack means that these utter Muppets often believe that they are in the right and that women should be at their beck and call.

LIZS · 15/04/2017 09:50

Then he has 3 weeks to use one of his contacts to take dd to visit. Not your problem. If xbil wants to continue contact they will have to make the effort.

PovertyPain · 15/04/2017 09:53

He's a fucker, op. If you fall for this bullying behaviour, he'll be expecting you to visit 'his' family regularly, while he's away. You'll end up being expected to do all the running. If he wants her to meet them, then he collects her and if he wants her to remain in contact with them, then THEY can visit you. Start as you mean to go on or you will create a rod for your own back. Don't fall for the "but they're her family too" that some posters will trot out. It's not just the mother's responsibility to maintain contact and it will become a chore for you and your daughter if you have to do this regularly.

Penfold007 · 15/04/2017 09:56

It really is up to him to facilitate contact between his DD and his family. He is his DD's taxi service and it's his responsibility.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/04/2017 09:57

Stand up to him as Poverty says and put plans in place now so you don't run around like a blue arsed fly meeting his parents whilst he works away (if you want to be cooperative sometimes when it suits your purse and schedule then fine).

My mum stopped contact with my dad for a variety of reasons when they get divorced and it honestly didn't harm us that much not seeing him til I was 13.

AuntMabel · 15/04/2017 09:59

Don't do yourself down OP, you posted this thread, you questioned who was BU. It's not you, and it's probably why he's an ex.

Msqueen33 · 15/04/2017 10:01

Would he do this for you? Highly unlikely. What a dick. It's up to him as although its your dds family it's not yours and he needs to make the effort. He's again trying to control you.

Original poster

andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 10:01

Dd isn't old enough to be bothered about going to meet her cousin to be honest. I've just called him and told him I'm not doing it, and he accused me of stopping her from seeing her family.

When he leaves for 2 years it will be up to his family if they want to see dd. I'm certainly not doing the travelling.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2017 10:05

Good for you.

If he gets in touch again about seeing her cousin just ask him when he will be collecting her to take her?

Hope you have gone to CSA for maintenance

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 10:05

GOOD on you! You're not stopping her, he's free to come over and get her himself. Oh, he's all about 'family' taking off for 2 years.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 15/04/2017 10:07

When he leaves for 2 years it will be up to his family if they want to see dd. I'm certainly not doing the travelling.

To be honest it just beggars belief. He is fucking off abroad for 2 years and then accusing you of stopping DD seeing his family? You couldn't make this up what a total and utter waste of space he is.

OverOn · 15/04/2017 10:09

Haha - he accused you when he could take his own DD to meet his own family.

Does DD see much of her dad's family - will she miss them while he is away? Could you send a messsge (after he's left) saying you're happy for them to see her and suggesting a few future dates they could visit? But only if having a relationship with them is good for DD (they haven't been abusive in the past).

life07 · 15/04/2017 10:09

glad to hear you're not backing down OP. He's the one blocking his family from your daughter by being so lazy.

BalloonSlayer · 15/04/2017 10:12

"You are not a taxi service? Well neither am I. If you want DD to meet a new member of YOUR family you need to organise it, not try to palm the job off on someone who is not even a member of your family. If you can't be bothered then it's YOU who have stopped her from meeting the baby. While I am on the subject, I hope you realise that it is up to your family to arrange to see DD when you are out of the country for two years, you needn't think I am going to be ferrying her to see them - that's your job."

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 10:12

'Does DD see much of her dad's family - will she miss them while he is away? Could you send a messsge (after he's left) saying you're happy for them to see her and suggesting a few future dates they could visit? But only if having a relationship with them is good for DD (they haven't been abusive in the past).'

It's never a good idea to enable or facilitate arsewipe 'parents' like this. They know where to find the OP and her DD. They can contact and 'suggest future dates' and all that.

ChasedByBees · 15/04/2017 10:13

Does he realise that he is a parent with equal responsibility? Why on earth does he think that this is anything to do with you?

zen1 · 15/04/2017 10:14

Good for you OP. Keep it up!

FerdinandsRevenge · 15/04/2017 10:15

She doesn't need to see a random cousin- she needs to see her father that's her family! Does he not care about her missing out on that? I wouldn't even ring the bastard in the future. Text only and follow the MN golden rule of "no is a complete answer". Just don't engage

pictish · 15/04/2017 10:18

Ignore his accusation entirely. This event is nothing to do with you. If he wants his dd to see his family, he has to facilitate it during his contact time.
Tell him to fuck off.

pictish · 15/04/2017 10:20

He just wants the satisfaction of controlling you. He wants to see spending a whole day doing his bidding because he said so.
I'd rather eat a bucket of cold sick with a fork than give in.

pictish · 15/04/2017 10:21

He wants to see you* spending the whole day doing his bidding

insancerre · 15/04/2017 10:24

Why can't the parents of the baby come and visit dd in her own house?

You have done the right thing op
You are not storing any contact because it doesn't have to be you that does the travelling or arranges the contact

kaitlinktm · 15/04/2017 10:33

he accused me of stopping her from seeing her family.

I am sure if your family want to see DD they will be happy to make the effort.

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