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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex expecting me to get the train..

102 replies

andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 09:18

Ex's brother and his gf had their first baby a week ago. They live an hour away in the same town as ex (ex moved down there after we broke up). It would take 2 trains and cost me £30 to get there but he says I need to take dd to meet her cousin. He said he's not a taxis service and I shouldn't expect him to drive him to pick dd up to drive back down and then drive back up to drop her off.

Who's being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 15/04/2017 09:29

i doubt dd is really bothered about meeting a week old baby let you ex sort it out, i take it he sees dd ? let him take her to meet baby then.

Semaphorically · 15/04/2017 09:30

Guilty? Don't give guilt the time of day, it's a useless emotion.

One of my former bosses had a rule that I like - the person who cares the most about the outcome owns the problem.

Also, what ProudBadMum said.

Chloe84 · 15/04/2017 09:30

I agree, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Does he pick up DD for his time with her? He chose to move so he should pick her up.

BadKnee · 15/04/2017 09:31

Not your family, not your problem??? Really. And your daughter?? Is her father not her family? Is her new cousin not her family? Would it be nice for her to be part of a family celebration of a new baby? Of course it would.

I'd do it for her.

gamerwidow · 15/04/2017 09:31

As others have said he doesn't get to tell you what to do during your time with DD. If he wants DD to meet the baby he takes her.

Parisinthespring · 15/04/2017 09:32

Practice some of the perfect phrases from this thread. Say them to him but with a smile. Take deep breathes, make eye contact and smile as you say them. Be firm. Practice, practice, practice.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 15/04/2017 09:32

Well he's a prize isn't he? He is still trying to control you now. Tell him where to get off in no uncertain terms.

gamerwidow · 15/04/2017 09:33

badknee yes it would be lovely for the OPs DD to meet her cousin which is why her ex should get off his arse and take her himself.

pipsqueak25 · 15/04/2017 09:34

by the sounds of it, he doesn't see dd then if he makes a fuss over this stuff, but you sound better off without him so well done for that rather than being in a bad relationship.
remember he only has control because you let him, why not look online for a book on self assertiveness and build up your confidence that way ? people like him don't like being told no but he will just have to learn to live with it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/04/2017 09:34

"Not your family, not your problem??? Really."

Yes, really. If the ex cared so much about his child meeting his brother's new baby, he'd get off his arse and take her! It's not OP's job to do so.

Original poster
andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 09:35

Of course it would be nice to see her family but I wouldn't expect my ex to go out of his way for my side of the family the way he's expecting me to.

OP posts:
ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 15/04/2017 09:36

If he's that fussed, he sorts it. It is exactly that simple.

eurochick · 15/04/2017 09:38

He can take her during his contact time. No need for you to be involved in any way.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2017 09:39

Oh, fuck him off. 'I'm not taking her.'

DancingPenguin1 · 15/04/2017 09:39

Does he have regular contact? His responsibility to create that relationship so he takes her absolutely not you

Dumbo412 · 15/04/2017 09:40

His family, his blimmin responsibility to take her to see them.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 15/04/2017 09:40

badknee it's women with attitudes like yours that lead to these loser men behaving in this way. Why exactly should the op go on a long train journey because the child's father CBA? It makes no sense to me at all.

RandomMess · 15/04/2017 09:41

Every time he mentions his family"your family, your contact time, your responsibility" do not waiver. He is bullying you!

Original poster
andshewillbeloved · 15/04/2017 09:41

He sees her once, sometimes twice, a week. In 3 weeks he's buggering off to work away for 2 years so won't be seeing her at all then (his choice).

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 15/04/2017 09:42

Why do I still let him control me?

I don't know. What happens to get to the stage of you even looking at costs and times of of trains to visit his family?

life07 · 15/04/2017 09:42

He sounds lazy, it's his family so his responsibility, don't let him guilt or manipulate you op.

MusicToMyEars800 · 15/04/2017 09:42

I agree with everyone else, it's his family so his problem, don't feel like shit because of him!! there must be a good reason he is your ex? tell him if he is that bothered then he can pick your dd up and take her.

feathermucker · 15/04/2017 09:46

Put your foot down and say no! His problem to sort out. If you do this, he'll try and manipulate you in the future too Flowers

OverOn · 15/04/2017 09:46

Well that's a long time for him to leave his DD.

Do you have contact with his side of the family? How will DD keep in touch with them while he's away for two years? Will they make the effort to come and see her or are they not bothered like the ex?

SoulAccount · 15/04/2017 09:48

An hour away on 2 trains isn't a big deal, the £30 is if you are on a budget.

Does your dd want to go?

How is travel for access usually shared?

Will you do anything to enable DD to keep in touch with her family on his side once he has gone abroad?

Trying to see it from your dd's POV.