Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want to take XH with DCs to see in laws..

18 replies

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:18

My ex MIL occasionally comes to visit my DCs maybe once every 6 weeks. She lives a couple of hours away and drives.
I'm having real problems with arrangements like holiday dates-Easter/Xmas etc when she asks me to drive up with the children and my X to see her and the DCs other family there for the day and even tries to persuade me to stay the night there with them-which I've never agreed to but still doesn't stop her from asking. I just don't think that this is on. I don't want to spend that time with XH especially in the car as he is quite abusive.
XH isn't at the moment through mutual agreement spending time alone with the DCs due to his issues so he cannot take them on his own nor does he want to.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable not wanting to go along with their wishes. I'm also not sure what kind of arrangement I should expect?
The DCs do like to visit so it's tricky.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 14/04/2017 21:20

Christ no yanbu - he's an ex for a reason. Why would you want to spend any additional time with him?

QuiteLikely5 · 14/04/2017 21:21

If your children benefit emotionally and socially and it makes them happy then I'm afraid I'd be trying to help them spend time with granny.

Starlight2345 · 14/04/2017 21:24

What is the issue ? is supervised likely to continue..

I initially would of said no ex to arrange...

I also wouldn't want to spend 10 minutes with mt abusive Ex.. I would think how you see this going long term..Do you care about maintaining contact with other children?

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:25

Yes but it's not just granny its with XH too. Having said that I find being with all his family for a day plus the driving quite difficult but perhaps I should facilitate that. I'm just not sure what is a 'normal' arrangement...
The DCs do see them here but like visiting there too.

OP posts:

Batghee · 14/04/2017 21:27

YANBU its important for your children to see GPs to some extent of course but if your ex is unstable and emotionally abusive towards you its not going to be in anyones best interests for him to sit in a car with you for hours,

Id refuse to drive the ex there and let him and his parents sort out how he gets there. Dont feel guilty about that, you need to respect yourself and not let your children see a man emotionally abuse you.
Thats the most important thing for them.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/04/2017 21:27

OP didn't say she didn't want them to visit granny. She said she didn't want her abusive ex in the car, or to stay overnight at granny's if he's going to be there, which IMO is fair enough.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:28

They have a cousin there that my older DD is fond of but there is no reason they can't visit here which they do occasionally

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 14/04/2017 21:29

You don't have to go to her house at all, regardless of special occasion. If your children do like to visit and it keeps them in touch with wider family, it would be good if you can but your XH doesn't have to be in the car.

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:32

Yes that's what I'm thinking more or less Batghee and what I've done this time but has ended up with many phonecalls, texts from all his family with various arrangements that have all been cancelled so the DCs won't see them...unless of course I take them. Feel like I'm being a bit emotionally blackmailed to go along with what they want to stop the DCs being disappointed but don't want to keep having to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:33

I have thought about visiting without XH but he would be very unhappy about that...I'm not sure his family would go along with it either...

OP posts:

NewIdeasToday · 14/04/2017 21:38

I would be prepared to take the kids to the grandma's house. However I would not give a little to an abusive Ex. Let him travel separately. If the family say anything, just remind them that he's your Ex for a reason.

IdaDown · 14/04/2017 21:41

It's fine to take the DCs to see their paternal family - but you don't have to be a taxi service for your X, especially if he's abusive.

He's an adult - he can get to his family under his own steam.

Alternatively, why can't your X take them to see his family?

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 14/04/2017 21:42

He's not 'well' enough to spend time with the kids on his own plus he doesn't feel able to take them on his own anyway.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2017 21:44

I would take the kids but I would definitely not take the xh. Not stay the night with him. You need to stay tough and if the grandparents aren't happy with this say 'oh I thought you really wanted to see them! They will be disappointed poor darlings.' (If the x isn't happy say you could take them yourself so fuck off. I don't see you taking them to visit my parents, you don't know how lucky you are.'

froofroomcgoo · 14/04/2017 21:48

Take DC to see granny but get exdh to make is own way there.

Cherrysoup · 14/04/2017 21:58

Wouldn't take xh, not your circus, not your monkeys. How he gets there is no longer your problem.

Inertia · 14/04/2017 22:24

I wouldn't spent a minute driving an abusive ex anywhere.

Wouldn't take too kindly to being emotionally blackmailed into doing all the driving to see the in-laws either. Could they meet you halfway, and have days out on neutral ground?

emmyrose2000 · 14/04/2017 23:37

I wouldn't take the abusive ex in my car with me. It's his problem as to how he gets there.

Could you drop the kids off with the relatives and then go and do something on your own elsewhere in the area?

Flip