I've taken on a narc and now I'm wavering. WWYD?

[needallthehelpicanget]

Basically, to cut the long story short, I've decided recently after suffering at the hands of possibly narc MIL, that I'm not putting up with her behaviour, so today is the second logger headed incident.

Recently, she has been complaining that she doesn't get to see GCs, it's the hols, we have relies visiting soon for a few weeks, and the DC are back at school next week etc. so I (selfishly) said do you fancy having the kids next week as I need a haircut and do a few things. She said yes.

Roll on today, I dropped them off at 10:00 am, stayed for 20 mins while we discussed what she was making them for lunch (I am happy with whatever she wants to do), how they have an appointment at 3:30 for their haircuts. I also mentioned that my elder child has brought a toy to play with while the younger,one has his nap after lunch. I can't remember if I had mentioned the time that I'd be back to collect DCs.

Anyway I go off, get my hair done, go home, get a few jobs done as there is no point me going to MILs any earlier as the younger child will be napping and I'd have to hang around being a nuisance while waiting for him to wake up (this has happened before).

So, at 3pm, when I get to MIL , she informs me that BIL has been and just left and taken DS1 swimming. I then say but you knew he had a haircut booked?
She says nothing. I ask to borrow her phone and try in vain to get hold of BIL who doesn't answer his phone. I am at this point, angry, because no one had rung me to ok the swimming trip (I would have been happy under planned circumstances), and that she'd let him go despite knowing that they'd had an appointment.
So I say to her calmly, in future, could you ring me before letting DS go or else I won't be sending them to hers.

I then take DS2 and leave. I didn't storm off but I was angry.

I then try to get hold of BIL again but he doesn't answer, as I thought there may be a chance that he could turn back or I could meet him to collect DS1. However, DS2 is giving me merry hell as he doesn't like having his hair cut and so I phone DH at work to try and get hold of his brother and try and get my elder son to the hairdressers. BIL doesn't call back until 4pm. This is after the embarrassment of turning up to a booked appointment without DS1 and the trauma of a haircut with snot and tears. I say please can you bring DS1 home in 10 mins. He says ok.

30 minutes later I send him a text saying DS1 has a swimming lesson at 5:30 please can u bring him home as I have to feed him and get him to swimming. I then phone MIL wondering if they'd turned up there and she informs me that they have not and she doesn't know where they are.

BIL eventually brings him home at 4:45pm, apologises half way down the drive. I call out after him, "next time , just ring me"

DH then comes home and gives me a right telling off for upsetting his mum over a haircut.
Then BIL texts DH saying sorry for taking DS1 swimming. I tell DH to text back that I really appreciate him taking DS1 and sorry it was a disaster.
He then comments that MIL is really upset, has been crying over the way I treated her.
Apparently the kids were only supposed to be there an hour.
So DH replies that I'd discussed lunch with her, he replied, lunch is not 5 hours, then DH had to defend me again by saying DS was left with toys to play with during DS's nap time, etc.

So this is the second time I have called her out on this type of behaviour and this is the second time she has started the waterworks.
What do I do? Do I cave and apologise. am I being petty as according to BIL and DH 'it's only a hair cut', or do I stand my ground against a woman who has downright bullied me for the last 14 years? My issue is not so much the haircut but lack of text/call to me which could have avoided the whole fiasco.

I feel that I've finally found the courage to quietly but firmly stand up to MIL but I am feeling a bit stupid. But it's her and BIL, who always panders to her that have blown it out of proportion?

Me and DH have had an argument over this, and we are so happy right now, and I don't want to spoil that, but at the same time i won't tolerate these hissy fits just because she can't accept she made a mistake.

It does sound like she tries to goad you/wind you up. Whilst you may be able to distance yourself it's not really possible to keep your DCs away considering that your DH doesn't see the problem. I think that the best thing in future would be to make sure arrangements are in writing and/or they are witnesses to everything as much as possible.

You have to understand that although she will act all upset and affronted, she is loving the drama and thriving on it.

Creating all these situations is probably what she lives for. It's hard to understand for those of us who want a drama free life, but this is why you can never take on a narc and "win"

The only possible way of "winning" is to disengage as far as you possibly can. It may feel like you are giving in but you aren't. You are depriving her of a source of warped entertainment.

Thanks for the replies again, I guess I am going to have to continue to 'manage' her. Many of her family members know what she's like and there's a lot of eye rolling that goes on around her but they all live far away, so she gets way with it.

Luckily, my lovely hairdresser came in extra early to the salon this morning and squeezed DS1in, which made me feel extra awful about turning up without him, so,left a big tip.

I still don't think that they've got the message that I was offended about being treated with contempt by them, not missing the haircut.
That's my wider struggle with them. Managing the situations treats the symptoms of this behaviour, but not the cause, which is their lack of respect for me.

Luckily, I am a positive, resilient person, but I think they feel it gives them the right to treat be badly because I am usually thick skinned and act oblivious to their passive aggressive behaviour. I often park up at her house, tell myself to put on my teflon armour and then go in. I didn't do that this time.

Name change fail OP

If it makes you feel any better about the name change fail, OP, I don't remember seeing you under either moniker and haven't got a clue who you are.

FlyingElbows Narcissistic Personality Disorder is very rarely actually diagnosed, mostly because there's no treatment because the narc never accepts they're the problem. The only time it's really 'diagnosed' by professionals is during criminal trials

^^ this

And this "A genuine error over timing would result in an apologetic MiL and who is concerned about DS making the hairdressers appointment

^ This.

Wouldn't any normal person who genuinely made a mistake simply be naturally sorry? I can imagine myself making the same mistake and then being genuinely sorry, and saying so!

My underlying reason for feeling so offended is that generally she ignores me when I speak to her, walks away mid sentence and talks over me a lot

Ha mine does this too. Bloody rude.

Yabu I'm afraid. I would never ever escalate a situation by withdrawing threats of access to children - especially over something pretty meaningless like a kids haircut. Regardless of the back story you automatically escalated the situation and put yourself in the wrong. I'd apologise sweetly and say it was clearly confusion on everyone's part and you should all try harder in future to ensure arrangements are clear.
I'd then play a more canny game in the future and ensure I was not wrong footed by MIL.
Unfortunately your post presents you as unreasonable, aggressive and controlling which may be how MIL and BIL see you. So if you are not you need to handle DH MIL & BIL in a much silkier fashion

Name change fail lol. I'll change it again, just goes to show that I just can't do this underhand stuff. I agree I did over react, but I did mean it that I'd not leave the children as I have been genuinely worried about her forgetfulness in the past, and have changed my hours at work to reduce the amount of childcare she has to do. They're my children, my responsibility. I definitely won't be leaving them under those circumstances, i.e. when she complains she doesn't get to see them. She lives 7 minutes away and always makes her excuses when invited to come and visit. She'll only visit if she can't get out of it, i.e. Visitors, and we've invited her over. I'm. I'm pretty ashamed of the way I spoke to her, but feel that if I apologise, she will get away with not apologising for the situation she created for herself.

OP we're in the same boat right now. MIL does the same thing. She's nearly caused us to split before because she's very good at saying things without witnesses. I now won't see her without DH. When he leaves the room so do I. But it's other PPs are right. You don't have a MIL issue. You have a DH issue. My DH now sees it but it's taken a long time (7 years) to get there. I decided for my own MH that I didn't need MIL to change her behaviour but I needed to protect myself & DCs from it & be assured that when he did her the nasty comments and she'd turn on the water works when challenged that he would have my back.

Your DH sounds like he is in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).
Good luck, it is a long road. Personnally, I would minimise contact. You need to protect your self esteem. When contact occurs, going "grey rock" and not engaging in drama is the best way like you seem to have found out.

Also, about narcissism, we all have some narcissism and it's healthy. There is a spectrum And problems occur when someone has a lot more than average, that is what I would call a narcissist. That does not necessarily mean NPD. You would need to be a psychologist to diagnose NPD but you can realise someone is a narcissist without a medical background.

Yes, DH is the issue, but he did defend me this time to MIL, which is why she went crying to BIL. He did defend me with BIL also.
I'm bringing him round with cold hard facts that he can't deny, but presented gently. Nobody wants to hear that their mum is a liar, I don't get much pleasure from telling him that. Our marriage is solid enough to withstand her histrionics but I don't want to test it and my life is fulfilling enough in every other way. I think DH knows in his heart of hearts her true nature, that's sad enough as it is. He actually minimises her himself, and i think her mind that I have turned him against her. I am going to retreat and keep out of the firing line. I am sure she's taken something away from the whole fiasco.

I'll carry on reading your replies but am not going to respond any more as I need to get some perspective back, and erm name change (so hard to come up with a decent one) but thanks to all of you that replied, even if I have disagreed. I needed the balanced point of view.

Seems a big drama over something so small

She wanted to see her gc and that could be fitted in when you have a haircut

I am sure she is quite capable of agreeing that bil is safe to take your ds swimming

As for narc maybe passive aggressive but it's sounds to me as through you are too and have just jumped on this and it's become a much bigger issue than it needs to be

never ask a favour from her again.

If you want help, ask someone who you can exchange with if you can't afford it. When your DH mentions it in future, I would say ' not after the last fiasco it caused so much negativity, let's just play it safe. These people are not your friends. They are your husbands family. Don't believe any of this family is family stuff.

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