To feel hurt by this?

[thatmakesmehappy]

DS just turned 1, and DH has been mardy for a few weeks, but had put it down to work stress. I finally managed to get a moment with him to ask him what was going on and after a lot of cryptic answers, he finally said that he was pissed off that I hadn't lost my baby weight yet, and that my 'lack of effort' had made him lose interest in our relationship.

During pregnancy I put on around 3 stone, which is a lot, but due to an emergency C section and PND I couldn't motivate myself to exercise other than walking (which I do a fair amount of). I've not put on any more weight, but I haven't lost any either and my lack of confidence in my appearance has made me put off exercise even more.

I get that it's hard for some new dads to adjust to the role, and he does work full time, but I literally do everything for my DS, and when I say everything it's no exaggeration. He's never even given DS a bath and that's not from my lack of encouragement, I'd be more than happy if he did! By he end of a day the last thing I want to do is go to the gym or do a fitness class. When I say this to him he takes it as an attack and we fall out more. I just can't win.

So my question is, AIBU to feel hurt that he wants to criticise me and my lack of motivation to lose weight, when he isn't prepared to lift a finger to enable me to do so?

I second what CRUMBS said, get out of the house even if you don't feel like it he will have to step up a bit with DS and you will definately feel better..

Also if YOU want to to lose the baby weight l have just lost (fairly easily) 2 stone doing the Louse Parker Fit For Life plan...wish l had tried it 6 years ago as have been miserable about my post Dcs weight gain all that time.....a friend recommended it over a year ago and l didn't try until end of Jan...l have little energy for exercise so managed the 2 stone with only dog walking and the odd bike ride...remember it is 80% what you eat and 20% exercise for most people.

Good Luck op

The absolutely loads of households have at least one parent that works full time. Loads. But they do things in the home as well. Firstly because it's their home that they live in, secondly because they care about their partner and want to help them and in the case of babies they actually want to spend time with them.

My dh works hard and every night he did the bed and bath part of the day and he still does bedtime now for our ten year old. That's his time with her.

If its amy consolation I'm currently 3st overweight and my youngest is 18

Sorry Euphemia, it worked okay for me, but here's a better one:

www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-cavender/my-apology-to-stay-at-home-moms_b_5523450.html

Chloe, he's definitely not as slim as he once was and with a sweet tooth he is gaining each day, but again, he blames me in saying he doesn't want to get fit because I don't want to.

Sailawaywithme, I would love to shift the weight. I am by no means naive enough to honk that it is all his fault and that I should just carry on, I really do want to lose the weight but my self esteem is so rock bottom at the min that the Thoth ought of going to a class and people seeing me huffing and puffing along just fills me with dread. It's a vicious circle for me. It's not as though I don't do any exercise at all, I walk 4-6 miles a day with DS around local parks and countryside, and if I need to go shopping I walk the 4 mile round trip into our local town.

Thank you all for your comments and advice! I feel better that I have all the support of the MN'ers! I definitely need to hand the reins over more, even if I have to force him! DS doesn't cook and I do all of the housework and laundry too, so there really isn't much left for him to have to do other than watch our DS!

If it helps, he said he felt bad for upsetting me last night, and got DS out of bed for the first time ever this morning! So that's a start I suppose

I'm still upset on your behalf that your husband is in a depressed state frequently, so much so that you're worried about him and it's because you are carrying some extra weight? Please check nothing else is going on and this isn't the start of some script...

Like you're idea of an exercise class that sees you out of the house until after lunch. I would then make sure that as a family you go out for afternoon so that baby isn't being handed back to you while he goes to pub/does hobbies.

it's easy to lose around 12 stone in one go..... tel him to fuck off

Good! But he needs a change in attitude permanently not just now and then, he needs to be involved in his sons life.

I was just going to add that if and when you are thinking about tackling weight loss it is actually diet that helps you lose the lbs and not really exercise. Exercise will make you feel better and will strengthen your muscles but it is what you eat (or not) that affects weight loss.

Oh OP and hugs. YANBU. That was an absolutely horrid thing for him to say to you.

How on earth are you supposed to have time to exercise and take care of yourself if he won't step up to the childcare responsibilities at all? This happens in so many marriages (including my own - I actually had a massive argument wth my DH a couple of weeks ago because he complained about me going to the gym instead of cooking his dinner...!!!) I wonder if now is your chance to introduce some change. When he gets home from work, announce that after his comments about your weight you're off to gym/for a run/to go swimming and he needs to look after your DS and get him to bed.

You need time for yourself - not just to exercise, but to take care of yourself and your mental health.

Glad to see from your most recent post that your DH has done some childcare at last!!

If,and I mean a biiiiig if, you want to lose weight, I did find using my fitness pal and then latterly my Fitbit to track what I was eating and to help me lose my baby weight. But I only did it because I wanted to.

With regards to your DH, I think you need to find yourself a weekend boot camp spa because 'you want to make an effort'! Cheeky fucker! Tact goes a long way! See how he copes with a weekend of routine with your bubba!

YADNBU

he blames me in saying he doesn't want to get fit because I don't want to

Seems that your place is in the wrong

Everything seems to be your fault. Why did he have a child? Was it a token gesture?

He is an utter knob! I would tell him, that if he pulled his weight more with the kids, that you would be able to go to the gym and excercise more.

Dragongirl, thanks for that, I will check it out!

Kathkim, I honestly feel like it is at the minute! it's not often I hear much in the way of positive comments.
I know I sound truly pathetic and I really didn't post on here to DH-bash, but I just had to know if this was a common reaction to parenthood.

Not pathetic at all, OP. You sound quite down on yourself. I think your DH maybe affecting your self-esteem?

Tbu I think your husbands attitude might be contributing to your issues, you would feel a whole lot better once you loose the 12 or more stone you need .

Your aren't daft tonne upset. I would be horrified to be so disrespected and unloved. Honestly he steps up and grows up or I would leave to be happy. There is no point to a partner who doesn't see us as the best thing around and who doesn't make us feel safe and happy. This man is limited:(

Kathkim I never used to be. When we married I was truly happy with the way I looked and my figure, I've never been skinny but I wasn't overweight either. Now I've put on 3 stone, and am maintaining that, and my post baby body just depresses me.

If your DH had created an ENTIRELY NEW HUMAN BEING out of his own body, then he would be in a position to comment on the physical strain it puts your body under.

You did the extremely hard work of creating a whole new human being when you were pregnant, and it sounds like you are doing the extremely hard work of looking after a newborn and then a 1-year-old, too, without any help from the one person who should be there for you, your DH.

And yet he accuses you of "lack of effort"? He can fucking do one.

He sounds like an utter tosser. I'd put on a few more stone to keep him away from me.

If I were you and as you say you do feel down about your weight, I'd stop buying unhealthy snacks, especially the sugary treats DH likes, cook healthy meals and when he asks for cake, sweets blah blah say in a swift and smug tone that you've stopped buying them as you are making an effort to eat healthier and at the same time inform him of your next gym class, coffee morning, shopping treat when he'll be looking after the baby. Do you ever treat yourself to new clothes op? For me if I feel good in nice clothes and makeup regardless of figure then I treat myself better and maybe don't crave comfort in chocolate etc...just a thought. But your husband does sound like a prick especially if he's no oil painting!

Buster, no I don't often buy new clothes. I live in t shirts, hoodies and jeans because I don't feel like I look nice in anything.

Chloe, he's definitely not as slim as he once was and with a sweet tooth he is gaining each day, but again, he blames me in saying he doesn't want to get fit because I don't want to.

You are not responsible for keeping him fit. This is just a cop out from him, I hope you give him short shrift when he tries this line, OP. I would have lost my shit with him long before now.

My DH tried something similar, saying he wants to lose weight and then asking me why I don't prepare him salads. I told him I cook what I cook and he is more than welcome and capable to buy ingredients for salads and prepare them.

You need to get your confidence back Op, and I don't mean lose weight. I mean buy yourself nice things, see your friends, leave him with the baby once in a while. Be you again. Tell him how to look after the baby, tell him once and tell him to listen, then arrange something to do just for you. He will never learn unless he's left to do it. Having a baby ravages your body and being a sahm ravages your confidence.