Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by this?

78 replies

thatmakesmehappy · 13/04/2017 00:10

DS just turned 1, and DH has been mardy for a few weeks, but had put it down to work stress. I finally managed to get a moment with him to ask him what was going on and after a lot of cryptic answers, he finally said that he was pissed off that I hadn't lost my baby weight yet, and that my 'lack of effort' had made him lose interest in our relationship.

During pregnancy I put on around 3 stone, which is a lot, but due to an emergency C section and PND I couldn't motivate myself to exercise other than walking (which I do a fair amount of). I've not put on any more weight, but I haven't lost any either and my lack of confidence in my appearance has made me put off exercise even more.

I get that it's hard for some new dads to adjust to the role, and he does work full time, but I literally do everything for my DS, and when I say everything it's no exaggeration. He's never even given DS a bath and that's not from my lack of encouragement, I'd be more than happy if he did! By he end of a day the last thing I want to do is go to the gym or do a fitness class. When I say this to him he takes it as an attack and we fall out more. I just can't win.

So my question is, AIBU to feel hurt that he wants to criticise me and my lack of motivation to lose weight, when he isn't prepared to lift a finger to enable me to do so?

OP posts:
salmaahmed · 13/04/2017 03:15

Don't let him use his work full time as an excuse if he ever tries to do that! You've had a baby, your body worked hard carrying a child for nine months and then raising a baby for the 1st year is hard anyway! Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the way you look, just know your ds looks upto you regardless of the way you look. Worry not about the weight, hel be running around soon and you'll be running around after him too, you'll soon suddenly realise you're losing weight. As for your husband, he's being a dick. Love yourself xx

RogueBiscuit · 13/04/2017 04:00

you have it easy, you're at home all day' and 'you can't be tired all you do is play with DS

He sounds horrible. Refusing to do basic care with the baby is completely unacceptable and misogynistic. Tell him he's got two options, buck up or be a single parent to baby half the week paying for childcare.

OldGuard · 13/04/2017 04:02

Sounds like you have two children.

Graphista · 13/04/2017 04:12

Ugh! Sounds like my ex! I don't get the 'I work full time' bullshit either. As if you're sat doing nothing! It's CONSTANT with babies and toddlers and very gradually gets less.

Sorry no solution as I say mines an ex (has 5 Dc with 2nd wife and STILL does bugger all more fool her).

But solidarity sister! Tell him to grow the fuck up!

aforandromeda · 13/04/2017 04:40

Shakespeare sonnet 116 : Love is not love, that alters when it alteration finds.

You can google the rest of it. But it's pretty accurate IMO

TheWitTank · 13/04/2017 04:42

I think this goes far beyond the OP just going away for a few days and leaving him to it (fuck that, he sounds like he is clueless AND isn't interested in the baby, no way I would leave my child with him). I seriously could not be with somebody with that lack of respect, kindness or interest in their own child. I find it breathtakingly cruel that anyone would say such things, even if they thought them! No support, moody because you are overweight, checked out, lazy -what exactly do you get out of this relationship? Fuck that. He sounds a total arsehole.

Chloe84 · 13/04/2017 05:24

So you're expected to be both svelte and the SAHM? Fuck that.

What does he look like, is in peak of physical health?

sailawaywithme · 13/04/2017 05:54

He's not a complete arsehole for being honest that your 3 stone weight gain/retention. Makes you less attractive to him. It hurts to hear it, but I know that my attraction to my DH is partly physical.

But playing zero role in the child rearing then bitching that "all you do is play" is outrageous. You need to hand your toddler over of an evening and walk out the door. (And probably spend some time meal planning or working out. I don't mean to sound bitchy - although acutely aware that on MN any suggestion that a husband/partner is perhaps justified in feeling somewhat disgruntled at their partner's weight gain is anathema - but it would have such benefits to you.

elkegel · 13/04/2017 06:00

I put four stone on with DD1 and have only ever managed to lose two of those (DD1 is 11). I was very skinny for me before we had kids, because of the lifestyle I could lead then. I don't need to be that skinny now and two stone heavier is still a healthy weight. Either he accepts the new reality of you as a mum and life with kids or he doesn't. Life is not ever going to be just the same but with a kid tacked onto it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/04/2017 06:45

but when he constantly says 'you have it easy, you're at home all day' and 'you can't be tired all you do is play with DS'

I was coming on sat exactly what MrsTP said -

If it's so easy, and 'playing' that you do all day, how come he doesn't do any of it?

He knows exactly how hard it is (well, he suspects how hard it is, he doesn't actually have the first clue), which is why he doesn't get involved at all.

You need to start picking him up on these comments, and throw them back at him.

Take a regular weekend morning - go to the gym, if you want to.

Leave him to have the nice, easy time, playing with his own DC - he'll welcome the nice leisurely break from his work routine, won't be? Wink

hettie · 13/04/2017 07:14

So if you do all child/house related stuff and you DC sleeps 7-7 then you clearly work tonnes more hours a week don't you? Every weekend for a start and an hour extra every day.... He needs to step up. Did he want kids? You seem to have fallen into letting him get away with this crap....I'd suggest Relate or harnessing the power of mumsnet to help you get him to step up. If he can't/won't well....

WanderingTrolley1 · 13/04/2017 07:18

He has no respect for you, OP.

You should consider LTB, things will not improve.

Mysterycat23 · 13/04/2017 07:19

Leave him alone to look after DC, don't prep any food or help him in any way! Saturday morning sounds a good time.

Then when you come back and the house is a tip, DC not fed etc, calmly tell him to sort it out and leave again.

By Saturday afternoon DH might have had a penny or two drop!

Underthemoonlight · 13/04/2017 07:21

What a dickhead, I think as lucky enough to lose the baby weight with my other two but the last baby was a struggle, I knew the weight was there but dh was lovely and said he loved me for me. I decided for myself to go to slimming world and lost 1 and half stone was down to me signing up off my own back and dh looked after the DC so I could go. DS has only just turned one. You are suppose to be a team, when dh comes through the door he will see to the kids whilst I'm cooking tea then we both get them sorted for bed.

LindyHemming · 13/04/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbs1 · 13/04/2017 07:40

The answer is not to do battle and start name calling. The answer is to agree and tell him your so pleased he made you see the light. Then book yourself onto classes- dance, Zumba, Pilates, yoga, running, book club, wine tasting ......literally anything that gets you out of the house for three evenings a week and allows him the opportunity of doing the evening routine. He'll understand the work involved, you'll have a break and even feel better about yourself and might lose weight as well.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 13/04/2017 07:44

So he works full time, and? So does my DH but he's currently downstairs sorting breakfast, will get them dressed, plays with them, takes them out, does bath and bed. Because that's what parenting is. He didn't have them to ignore them and do the 'well I work' bullshit.

You need to get your DH to start doing bath and bedtime, it's actually a really good opportunity for your DH to spend some time with DS, join a gym and leave them to it. Your DH needs to step up to parenting, and I would be telling him this.

GloGirl · 13/04/2017 07:51

Actually I would think that he doesn't think it's that hard as long as you are a woman. It's hard for him because of his penis. He's not realising that OP looks after her baby so we because she works at it. She doesn't instinctively know what baby wants, she's learned it.

OP, he sounds like a prize arse. I know it's difficult but if you can ask him to do some parenting when he's right there, like at the table during dinner. I remember weeping feeding mine and not being able to relax and eat my own food. It was too tempting to always do it myself which was the 'right way' I forgot to make sure father and son were bonding and eat in peace.

The children are older now but some dinnertimes I still walk off and leave them all to it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/04/2017 07:56

He's a disgusting manchild sexist pig.
And, if he's been mardy for a few weeks, I would put money on there being a potential "someone else" out there. He may not have done anything about it yet, but he's given you a big hint. I'm not for ONE MOMENT saying that you should take his hint - fuck that - but he's telling you where his priorities are, and it's not family life with you. :(

Msqueen33 · 13/04/2017 07:57

What a peach! My youngest is four and I'm three odd stone overweight (stress eater as younger two have disabilities). But the cheeky fucker. Seriously do not have any more children until he bucks up his act! I thinks some people have the impression sahp sit about all day. Maybe he needs a reality check.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/04/2017 08:08

If you, YOU not him, want to lose the weight, find an exercise class or Slimming World running at bathtime /bedtime, and leave him to it.
Or tell him that's where you're going and do whatever the heck you like.
But he needs to get off his arse and learn that there's more to being a parent than going to work to pay for the nappies

FairyAnn · 13/04/2017 08:12

Tell him to read this: www.lifebuzz.com/letter-to-mothers/

It's from a stay-at-home dad who used to think stay-at-home mums had it easy. Now he knows better :)

LindyHemming · 13/04/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonFire99 · 13/04/2017 08:20

I think your weight issue a is a red herring. If I were you, I'd be wondering about the long-term future of the relationship. Your husband sounds:
selfish
lazy
inconsiderate
uncaring
and totally uninterested in his DS.

You must be knackered.

If he says 'you have it easy, you're at home all day' and 'you can't be tired all you do is play with DS', then why not make a list of all the household chores you do and a separate (ie very short) list of the stuff he does?

Add in night wakings, the time you're up each day, how much sleep you get, and see what he says.

When you have seen his reaction, you'll know what to do.

He sounds like a complete tool.

Pollydonia · 13/04/2017 08:26

Hope you feel better this morning op, your dhs attitude stinks Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread